Questions to Ask When Officiating a Wedding
Questions to work through with a couple before you officiate their ceremony, covering their story, the wording they want, the subjects to avoid, the legal paperwork, and the practical details of the day. Written for friends and family officiating for the first time.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How did you two meet?
Why ask it
You need the version they tell together, including where they interrupt and correct each other, because that is what makes it sound like them rather than like a script. Ask them to tell it in front of each other rather than separately.
When did each of you know this was the person?
Why ask it
Asking each of them separately usually produces two different moments, which is better material than one agreed anniversary. The moments are often unremarkable, a drive home, a hospital waiting room, and that is exactly why they work read aloud.
What is something your partner does that nobody else would notice?
Why ask it
Small specifics are what make guests recognize the couple in your words. Ask for a habit rather than a quality: kind is unusable, keeps the passenger seat clear for you is a line people remember.
What does being married mean to each of you?
Why ask it
This determines what you can honestly say in the middle section of the ceremony. If one of them talks about faith and the other about partnership, you need to know that now rather than discovering it while they listen to you speak.
Are there cultural, religious or family traditions you want included, and any you are expected to include but would rather not?
Why ask it
The second half is the one that matters. Couples are often carrying pressure from a parent about a blessing or a reading, and being asked directly gives them permission to say no with you as the person who explains the decision.
What tone do you want: solemn, warm, funny?
Why ask it
Get this in their words and then check it against the guest list, because a joke that works for their friends may not for a grandparent. Couples who say funny usually mean warm with two jokes, and it is worth confirming which.
How long do you want the whole ceremony to be?
Why ask it
Most couples say twenty minutes and mean something closer to twelve. Agreeing a number now stops your remarks growing, and lets you tell readers how much time they have.
Are there readings, poems or songs you want, and who would you like to read them?
Why ask it
Naming the reader at the same time as the reading avoids a common failure: a piece chosen weeks in advance and handed to a nervous relative on the day. Ask for the exact text so you can time it and check the wording.
Do you want to write your own vows, or would you rather choose from traditional wording?
Why ask it
Some couples say yes to writing their own and then arrive with nothing, so ask when they expect to have them written and offer to hold a copy on the day. If they choose traditional wording, send two or three options rather than assuming which.
How do you want the declaration of intent and the ring exchange to run?
Why ask it
These are the parts where people freeze, because they involve repeating words and handling objects. Deciding whether you feed them a line at a time, and who holds the rings until then, removes almost all of the risk.
Is there anything you do not want mentioned?
Why ask it
This is the question that prevents the worst kind of mistake: a reference to a parent who is not speaking to them, a previous marriage, a pregnancy that is not yet public, religion that one family assumes and the other does not share. Ask it plainly and write the answer down.
Are there people who have died that you want acknowledged, and how?
Why ask it
How is the important part. Some couples want a name spoken, some want a chair or a photograph and no words, and some would rather nothing, because they do not want to cry before the vows. Their preference is not something you can guess.
Do you want your children or other family members to have a role?
Why ask it
If children are involved, ask what they have been told and whether anything will be said about the new family, since the wording matters to them and to any other parent present. Ask their ages too, which decides how long they can stand still.
Who is in the wedding party, and where is everyone standing?
Why ask it
You need this to know where to look, where to leave a gap and how to hand off the rings. Ask for a photograph or a sketch of the intended lineup, because a wedding party that arranges itself on the day often ends up standing between you and the couple.
Which of your names do you want me to speak during the ceremony, and how is each one pronounced?
Why ask it
Legal names, chosen names, middle names, a surname that will change: all of these come up in the pronouncement and the paperwork. Say each one back to them and ask them to correct you, rather than assuming you have it right.
What are the legal requirements here, who is collecting the license, and who signs it?
Why ask it
Rules for who may solemnize a marriage, and any waiting period or witness requirement, are set locally and are your responsibility to confirm, not the couple's. Check the filing deadline as well, since a late return can mean the marriage is not recorded.
Where is the ceremony, and will I have a microphone?
Why ask it
Outdoor ceremonies swallow an unamplified voice, especially with wind or traffic, and a lapel microphone needs somewhere to clip. Ask where the sun will be too, because facing into it for fifteen minutes is worse than it sounds.
What happens if the weather turns?
Why ask it
The indoor fallback usually has a different layout, worse acoustics and less room, and the decision is often made an hour before. Knowing the alternative plan means you are not rewriting your positioning while guests are being moved.
How do you want to be introduced at the end?
Why ask it
The final line is the one guests repeat afterwards, and the wording is a real choice: names, titles, a shared surname, or none of those. Ask rather than defaulting to a traditional formula that may not fit them.
When is the rehearsal, and who is directing the processional?
Why ask it
If there is a planner they will run it, and if there is not, it will fall to you. Establishing that in advance is the difference between a calm twenty minutes the night before and a group of people guessing on the day.
Officiating for the first time
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the day
Confirm you are legally allowed to do this
Requirements are set locally and vary widely: some places require registration or ordination, some require the officiant to be resident, and some recognize a self-solemnized ceremony with no officiant at all. Check with the office that issues the license, in the jurisdiction where the wedding takes place, and do it before you agree.
Meet the couple twice, at least a month out
The first conversation is for their story and the tone. The second is for wording, order of events and the things they do not want said. Two shorter meetings produce a far better ceremony than one long one, because they will remember things in between.
Send them the script and ask for corrections
Names, pronunciations, family details and anything about their story should be checked by them in writing. It is not a loss of surprise; it is how you avoid the one mistake that would be remembered.
Read the whole thing out loud, standing up, on a timer
Silent reading hides the sentences you cannot say and the passages that run long. Print it in large type, on paper, in a folder that will not blow open, and bring a second copy.
A ceremony that holds together
The usual order
- 1Processional, then a short welcome that tells guests where to look and when to sit.
- 2Two or three minutes on the couple, using their own specifics rather than general praise about love.
- 3Any reading, with the reader introduced by name so guests know who is speaking.
- 4The declaration of intent, then vows, fed line by line if they want that.
- 5The ring exchange, with the rings already in your hand or a named person's pocket.
- 6The pronouncement and the introduction they chose, then the recessional.
What to cut when it is running long
- Your own remarks, first and always. The legal words, the vows and the rings are the ceremony; everything else is padding.
- Any second reading, which is the part guests are least likely to miss.
- General reflections on marriage, which are the easiest thing to trim without anyone noticing.
On the day
Arrive early and find three people
The couple, whoever is coordinating, and whoever controls the sound. Confirm the license is present and who is signing it, and agree a signal for starting.
Speak slower and louder than feels natural
Outdoors and in a large room, a normal speaking pace becomes hard to follow. Aim your voice at the back row rather than at the couple, and pause after each sentence rather than filling the gaps.
Let people cry
If one of them cannot get the words out, stop, wait, and say nothing. Guests will read your calm as permission, and the pause tends to be the moment everyone remembers fondly.
Handle the paperwork before you join the party
Sign the license with the couple and any required witnesses immediately after the ceremony, while everyone is in one place. Then note the filing deadline and who is responsible for sending it.
What goes wrong
Making the ceremony about your friendship with them
A short line about how you know them is welcome. Several minutes of your own stories turns their ceremony into your speech, and there is a reception for that.
Improvising the legal wording
Whatever your jurisdiction requires, say it as written and do not paraphrase it for flow. Everything else can be personal; this part is the reason you are standing there.
Skipping the rehearsal because it is a small wedding
Small ceremonies go wrong in the same ways, and with fewer people to absorb it. Ten minutes walking through entrances, positions and hand-offs is enough.
Overriding what the couple asked for
If you would have chosen different wording, a different reading or a different tone, say so once during planning and then deliver what they chose. The exception is a factual or legal problem, which you raise immediately.