10 Questions to Ask Your Dad Before He Dies
Questions for a son or daughter who wants their dad's stories written down while there is still time: childhood, family history, regrets, pride, and the advice he would leave behind.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What are your favorite memories from your childhood?
Why ask it
An easy opening that asks him to describe a place rather than assess his life. Ask where he was living and who else was in the house, and you get names and streets you can trace later.
How did you meet Mom, and what did you think the first time you saw her?
Why ask it
Couples keep two versions of this story and you may only have been told hers. Asking what he thought at the time gets you his, including the parts that never got repeated at anniversaries.
What are you most proud of in your life?
Why ask it
Expect a long pause, because many men his age were never asked. The answer is often unglamorous, such as holding a job through a bad decade or clearing a debt nobody knew about.
Which story about our family do you find yourself telling most often?
Why ask it
The story he repeats is the one he has decided the family is about. Ask who told it to him first and you usually get a generation further back than you were expecting.
What are your favorite memories of me growing up?
Why ask it
You will hear about ordinary days rather than the milestones you remember: a drive, a routine, something you said at six. It is also the question most likely to change what you believe about those years.
What was your first job, and what did it teach you about work?
Why ask it
Concrete and easy to answer, which makes it a good question for a day when he tires quickly. The pay, the hours, and the man who trained him usually explain what he later expected of himself and of you.
What did your own father teach you, for better and for worse?
Why ask it
Naming both halves gives him permission to be honest about someone he may still feel loyal to. What he decided to do differently with you is normally the most useful part of the answer.
What was the hardest year of your life, and how did you get through it?
Why ask it
Asking for one year rather than the hardest thing gives him a frame he can manage. Note who he names as helping him, because those are often the people to call when he dies.
What are your biggest regrets, and what would you do differently?
Why ask it
Ask this well into a conversation rather than early. Some men decline it, which is an answer of its own, and if he does answer, resist reassuring him, because reassurance closes the subject.
What are the most important lessons you have learned in life?
Why ask it
Broad enough that he will need a moment. If he stalls, narrow it to work, money, or marriage, and the general answer tends to arrive after the specific one.
Who in the family do I remind you of, and in what way?
Why ask it
This puts you in a line of people rather than on your own, and it often produces a relative you never met. It also shows which of your traits he reads as inherited rather than chosen.
Which music, films, or books mattered most to you, and why?
Why ask it
A light question that leaves you something to keep. Write the titles down exactly, because playing his records afterwards is a specific comfort that a vague memory cannot give you.
What did you believe strongly at twenty that you no longer believe?
Why ask it
Describing a change of mind is easier than admitting a mistake, so this gets answers that a direct question would not. Politics, religion, and what he thought a man was supposed to be are the usual territory.
What have you learned about staying with one person for a long time?
Why ask it
This asks about maintenance rather than romance, which is why it works better than asking his views on love. Expect something unsentimental about tolerance, money, or knowing when to say nothing.
What are your hopes for me and for the rest of the family?
Why ask it
Hopes are easier to say out loud than instructions, so this often carries the thing he has been meaning to tell you. Listen for whether the hope is about your happiness or about a decision he wants you to make.
What are you most grateful for right now?
Why ask it
The present tense is what matters. Late in an illness the honest answer is usually very small, a window, a visit, a dog, and knowing it tells the family what is actually worth arranging.
Is there a decision ahead of me you want to say something about while you can?
Why ask it
This gives him one clear chance to say the thing he has been holding, and it makes plain that you are asking rather than dreading it. Whatever comes, do not argue with it in the moment.
What do you want me to remember about you?
Why ask it
Most people answer with a quality rather than an event. If he cannot answer at all, ask what he would not want forgotten, which is the same question approached from the other side.
What do you want us to say about you when we gather without you?
Why ask it
This is practical as well as personal, because some of the answer belongs at a funeral and being told directly saves the family guessing. It also lets him correct a version of himself he thinks is wrong.
Is there anything you have never told me that you want me to know?
Why ask it
Ask this last, after an hour of listening, and then wait without filling the silence. It is the question that produces the earlier marriage, the estranged brother, the illness nobody mentioned, or nothing at all.
Recording These Conversations
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting It Up
Ask first, do not arrive with a list
Tell him you would like to write some things down while you can, and ask when would suit him. Being handed a set of questions without warning makes people feel they are being interviewed for an obituary, and that is usually the end of it.
Plan for twenty minutes, not an afternoon
Illness and medication cut stamina hard, and thirty minutes of real attention is a good day. Three short conversations across two weeks will get you more than one long session, and mornings are generally better than evenings.
Record simply, and say that you are
A phone on the table running a voice memo is enough. Tell him it is recording, put it where he can see it, and leave it running rather than starting and stopping, because the pauses turn out to matter.
Collect spellings and rough dates as you go
Ask him to spell surnames and place names and to put a year on things, even approximately. A recording full of him and that place up north is hard to use later, and there may be nobody left who can fill the gaps.
During the Conversation
- Ask one question and then stop talking. Older people often begin answering after a silence long enough to feel awkward to you.
- Follow the detail rather than your list. If he mentions a car, a street, or a name you have not heard, go there instead of moving on.
- Do not correct his version of events, even where you know it is wrong. You are recording his account, and arguing tends to end the session.
- If he becomes upset, stay in the subject and say nothing for a moment rather than changing it quickly. Most people want to carry on, and a fast subject change tells him the topic is unwelcome.
- If he will not answer something, say that is fine and move on. Pressing a dying man for a story he has decided to keep is the one thing here you cannot undo.
- Watch for tiredness instead of asking about it. Shorter answers, repeated phrases, and losing the thread mean stop for today.
- Ask an important question again on another day if the first answer was thin. Answers move with mood and pain levels, and the second version is often fuller.
- Keep other relatives out of the room. Wives, siblings, and adult children all edit the account, usually without meaning to.
Afterwards
Back the files up the same day
Copy the recording off the phone to a computer and to one other place before you go to bed. A lost phone is an ordinary event, and this particular file cannot be recreated.
Write down what the recording missed
Note what was said while the phone was off, and how he looked and sounded. Those details fade within weeks and they are often the part you will most want back.
Ask what can be shared
Some of what he tells you is his to release rather than yours. Ask directly whether a recording can be played to the rest of the family, and hold to the answer even after he dies.
Ask his siblings and cousins the same questions
They hold the parts he has forgotten or edited, and they can date events he cannot. Doing this while they are also alive gives you a family history with more than one witness.