Questions to Ask a Dad
For asking a father who is not your own. A father-in-law you are getting to know, a stepfather, a friend who has just had a baby, or a man you are interviewing about raising children. The questions are about fatherhood itself rather than a shared family history, so they work when you have no childhood in common. For your own father, the general set is the better fit.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
What did you think being a father would be like before you were one?
Almost every father has a gap between the picture and the reality. It is an easy opening question and it does not require any shared history.
- 2
What was the first month actually like?
The honest version of the first month is rarely the one on the cards. Fathers who are past it enjoy telling it, and new fathers are usually relieved to be asked.
- 3
What surprised you most about having a small child in the house?
Broad enough that he can answer lightly or seriously. The answer usually leads somewhere specific without you having to push.
- 4
What part of it did you enjoy more than you expected?
Fathers are asked about difficulty far more often than pleasure. This one tends to get the warmest answer in the conversation.
- 5
What do you find hardest now, at the age your children are?
Fatherhood changes shape completely between three and thirteen. Anchoring the question to the current stage gets a real answer rather than a general one.
- 6
What did you have to give up, and did you expect to?
Sport, sleep, friendships, a career move. Naming the cost is often a relief when someone asks properly.
- 7
What kind of father did you decide you wanted to be, and where did that come from?
This lets him talk about his own upbringing without you asking about it directly. It is a fair question even at a first meeting.
- 8
What do you do differently from how you were raised?
Most fathers have thought about this at length and rarely get to say it aloud. Let him decide how far back to go.
- 9
What advice did you get that turned out to be useless?
New parents are buried in advice, and the useless kind is easy to talk about. It usually produces a story.
- 10
What do you wish someone had told you before your first was born?
Practical, generous, and the single most useful question if you are about to become a parent yourself. Fathers answer it readily.
- 11
How did having children change what you do for work?
Hours, travel, ambition and money all shift, and men are rarely asked about it. The answer says a lot about the trade-offs he made.
- 12
What do you and their mother disagree about when it comes to raising them?
Ask this only once the conversation is comfortable. Kept general, it is a normal parenting question rather than a private one.
- 13
What do your children get from you that you are pleased about?
A warm question that most fathers answer with a specific example. It is a good one for a father-in-law you are still getting to know.
- 14
What do you worry about for them that you keep to yourself?
This is the question that goes deepest, so leave it until later on. Many fathers have never said the answer out loud.
- 15
What do you think they will remember about this stage?
It invites him to see the family from the outside. The answer is often more sentimental than he would admit to being.
- 16
What is the best day you have had with them?
A single day, rather than a general feeling, produces a story with detail in it. Ask what made that day different.
- 17
How do you handle it when you get it wrong with them?
Apology, repair and admitting error are the part of fatherhood least discussed between men. Ask for an example rather than a principle.
- 18
What do people misunderstand about fathers, in your experience?
This gives him room to say something he may have wanted to say for years. It works well with a father you do not know well.
- 19
What do you want from your children when they are adults?
Contact, honesty, distance, grandchildren: the answers vary more than people expect. It is a useful thing to know about a father-in-law.
- 20
What would you say to someone about to become a father for the first time?
A natural closing question that lets him summarise everything else. Even reluctant talkers usually have one line ready for this.
How to have this conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
Setting it up
Setting it up
Pick an activity, not a sit-down
Many fathers talk more easily side by side than face to face. A drive, a walk, washing up, or a job in the garage removes the pressure of eye contact and gives the conversation somewhere to pause.
Say why you are asking
One sentence is enough: that you realized you do not know much about a part of his life. Without it, a run of questions can feel like a test or like you have had bad news.
Ask three, not twenty
Three questions asked slowly, with follow-ups, produce more than a list worked through in order. Leave the rest for a second occasion, which is easier to arrange once the first went well.
While you are talking
While you are talking
Let the pause run
The first answer is often the short one. Waiting a few seconds without filling the gap is what produces the second, longer answer, and it works better than rephrasing the question.
Ask for the detail, not the meaning
Where were you living, who else was there, what did the room look like. Concrete follow-ups keep him telling rather than summarizing, and the meaning usually arrives on its own.
Do not correct his version
If his account of an event differs from yours, you are hearing what he carried rather than a claim about the facts. Arguing it ends the conversation and rarely changes his memory.
If it is difficult
If it is difficult
- If he deflects with a joke, take the joke and ask again later in the conversation rather than pressing immediately.
- Skip the questions about regret and the unsaid if the relationship is currently strained, and start with the ones about his own childhood.
- Ask permission before recording, and expect the first few minutes to sound stiff whether he agrees or not.
- If his memory is failing, ask about the distant past rather than the recent past, and follow whatever he offers instead of steering.