101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
One hundred and one questions arranged along the arc of a marriage: what you each think marriage is for, the legal and administrative changes nobody mentions, the first year, the first five, the middle years with children and work, money across decades, aging and dying, and how the two of you repair things.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What actually changes for us the day after the wedding?
Why ask it
Couples who already live together often expect nothing to change and are surprised by how much the legal and family status does. A partner who expects a personality change is expecting the wrong thing.
What would be different if we simply stayed together and never married?
Why ask it
The honest answer is sometimes very little, and sometimes it is inheritance, immigration, family peace or faith. Knowing which reason is yours tells you what the wedding is for.
Whose marriage do you want ours to resemble?
Why ask it
Naming a real couple is more useful than describing an ideal, because you can see what they actually do. Ask what specifically they do that they would want to copy.
Which marriage you have watched up close frightens you?
Why ask it
The answer usually contains the fear they carry into this one: silence, contempt, separate lives, one person disappearing. It is much easier to reassure someone about a named fear.
What did you learn about marriage from your parents?
Why ask it
Whatever they say, the deeper lesson is in how their parents behaved rather than what they were told. Ask what they took as normal that they now think was not.
If your parents separated, what do you think went wrong?
Why ask it
Their explanation is a map of what they will be watching for in you. It also shows whether they hold one parent responsible, which affects how they will handle blame here.
What do you think marriage asks of people that living together does not?
Why ask it
Answers range from nothing at all to a promise not to leave when leaving would be easier. A partner who cannot answer this may be marrying for someone else's reasons.
What promise are you actually making?
Why ask it
The vows are a script and this is the substance. What you want is something specific and slightly awkward rather than a formula.
Do you think it is possible to fall out of love and back in?
Why ask it
Someone who thinks love is a permanent condition will read a flat year as failure. Someone who expects the flat year will handle it very differently.
What do you think divorce is for?
Why ask it
A partner who believes it is never justified and a partner who sees it as a reasonable remedy will behave differently in a crisis. It is better to know the position now.
What would you want us to try before either of us considered leaving?
Why ask it
Naming the steps in advance, counselling, a separation, a specific conversation, means there is a plan available on the worst day. Couples who never do this tend to improvise badly.
Are you marrying me, or the life you think marriage brings?
Why ask it
Both are usually present and the ratio matters. Ask what they would want if the house, the children and the approval were somehow not part of it.
Is either of us changing our name, and how do you feel about the answer?
Why ask it
It is treated as a small question and it carries a lot: family expectation, professional identity, what children will be called. Whatever you decide, decide it rather than defaulting.
How does marrying change our tax position?
Why ask it
In many places it changes allowances, thresholds and what you must declare, sometimes to your advantage and sometimes not. Half an hour with an accountant before the date can be worth a great deal.
Whose name goes on the lease or the deeds, and does it matter?
Why ask it
It matters more than couples expect if the relationship ends or if one of you dies, and defaults vary by place. If only one name goes on, ask what protects the other person.
Do we need to update the beneficiaries on our pensions and policies?
Why ask it
These often still name a parent or a former partner, and the paperwork overrides what anyone assumed. It takes one afternoon and it decides who receives the money.
Who is the beneficiary on your life insurance right now?
Why ask it
Asking the current fact rather than the intention is the point. People are frequently surprised by their own answer.
Do we need life insurance, and for how much?
Why ask it
The figure follows from the mortgage, the income being replaced and whether there are children. Buying it young is cheap, and this is one of the few questions here with an arithmetic answer.
Which of our debts becomes a shared problem once we marry?
Why ask it
Rules differ by country and state, and joint accounts and joint borrowing complicate it further. Get the actual answer for where you live rather than the one you assume.
Do we make wills before the wedding or after?
Why ask it
Marriage can invalidate or alter an existing will, and dying without one leaves the default rules to decide. Doing it in the same month as the wedding is the simplest way not to forget.
If we both died, who would raise our children?
Why ask it
Nobody wants this conversation and every parent needs to have had it. Ask the person you name before you write it down.
Do we want powers of attorney for health and for money?
Why ask it
Being married does not automatically let you make decisions or access accounts if your spouse loses capacity. The paperwork is dull, cheap and enormously useful in a hospital.
Does marriage change either of our immigration positions?
Why ask it
If either of you is on a visa, timing, paperwork and evidence requirements can matter a great deal. Get advice from someone qualified rather than from a forum.
Where are the passwords, accounts and documents if one of us is suddenly not here?
Why ask it
Households run on one person's knowledge of the utilities, the insurance and the logins. A shared list is one of the kindest hours of admin a couple can do.
Does anyone have a legal or financial claim on either of us?
Why ask it
A former spouse, a child, a business partner, a guarantor arrangement or a family loan. It is far better disclosed now than discovered by a solicitor later.
What paperwork has to change in the first month after the wedding?
Why ask it
Passports, banks, employers, insurers, licences and the electoral roll all take time and some have deadlines. Making the list before the honeymoon saves a bad fortnight after it.
Where are we living in the first year, and is anything changing?
Why ask it
A wedding plus a move plus a new job in one year is a lot of upheaval, and it is often unplanned. Deciding to keep one thing stable is usually wise.
Who is doing which chores, specifically and in writing?
Why ask it
Agreeing to share leaves the person with the higher standard doing more and resenting it quietly. Naming tasks rather than proportions is what makes it hold.
Do we go to bed at the same time?
Why ask it
It sounds trivial and it is one of the strongest predictors of how much you actually talk. Mismatched sleep patterns need a deliberate substitute for that hour.
How do we want to handle our first big argument as married people?
Why ask it
The first one carries extra weight because it feels like evidence about the marriage. Agreeing in advance that it is ordinary takes most of the sting out.
What are we deliberately not taking on this year?
Why ask it
A saved no, to a promotion, a puppy, a renovation, a house move, protects the year. Say the specific thing out loud so you both recognise it when it arrives.
What do we do about the flatness people describe after the wedding?
Why ask it
After a year of planning and a day of attention, a quiet February is a common and unremarked experience. Expecting it stops either of you reading it as a verdict.
If we borrowed for the wedding, how are we clearing it and by when?
Why ask it
Starting a marriage with an unplanned debt colours the first two years. Put a monthly figure and an end date on it in the first month.
How much do we each see our own friends separately?
Why ask it
Newly married couples often collapse into each other and then feel isolated a year later. Answer in evenings per month rather than in principle.
What weekly thing are we going to protect no matter what?
Why ask it
One reliable hour beats an ambitious plan that lasts three weeks. Pick something small, cheap and repeatable.
What do we call each other in front of other people?
Why ask it
Husband and wife feel odd to some people for a long time, and partner feels evasive to others. It is a small thing that comes up constantly in the first year.
What are we going to say when people start asking about babies?
Why ask it
The questions begin immediately and can be painful if you are trying, struggling or have decided not to. Agree a short line so neither of you has to improvise.
What does a bad week look like for each of us, and who tends to notice first?
Why ask it
Knowing your partner's specific signs, going quiet, working late, getting tidy, is more useful than asking how they are. Say what you would want done when you are in one.
What are we doing on the first anniversary?
Why ask it
Deciding now, cheaply, creates something to keep rather than something to organise. Small annual rituals outlast expensive ones.
What is one thing each of us wants to learn this year?
Why ask it
Marriages that keep two separate people in them are more interesting to be inside. Naming it makes it likely rather than aspirational.
What do we want to be true about our lives in five years?
Why ask it
Answer with two or three specifics, not a mood. Comparing your two lists is the whole exercise.
Would we buy a home, and what would we give up to do it?
Why ask it
Deposits come out of holidays, hobbies, going out or where you live. Deciding the sacrifice in advance stops the resentment about it later.
What happens if one of us is offered something much better somewhere else?
Why ask it
This is when a general commitment to supporting each other meets a specific cost. Agree the method for deciding rather than the answer.
When are we going to revisit how we handle money?
Why ask it
The arrangement you set as a couple in your twenties rarely suits you at thirty five. Put a date in the calendar rather than waiting for an argument.
What would we do if we drifted apart quietly?
Why ask it
Slow disengagement is more common than dramatic failure and much harder to name. Agree now that either of you may raise it without it being an accusation.
How do we keep making new friends as a couple?
Why ask it
Couples often live on friendships formed before they met and find themselves thin at forty. It takes deliberate effort and one of you will have to do the organising.
What do we do if one of us wants to retrain or change direction?
Why ask it
It usually means less income, more study and a stretch of strain on the other person. Talking about the terms in advance makes it a plan instead of an ultimatum.
When do we treat the children question as settled?
Why ask it
Leaving it open indefinitely is itself a decision, and biology eventually makes it for you. Set an age or a date at which you will decide properly.
What would we do with a sudden windfall?
Why ask it
An inheritance or a bonus reveals differences in risk, generosity and priorities very quickly. Deciding the split between saving, giving and spending in advance is easier than in the week it arrives.
What would we do about an unplanned pregnancy?
Why ask it
Whatever your plans, this is a conversation to have while calm rather than in a bathroom. It is also one where a vague answer is not much use to either of you.
How do we handle the first serious crisis in one of our families?
Why ask it
A parent's illness or a sibling's collapse pulls one person away and leaves the other holding everything. Say what support you would each want and what you would need from the other.
What annual conversation are we actually going to keep?
Why ask it
Most couples never review anything until something breaks. One evening a year with the money, the calendar and this list is enough.
What happens to us when children take all the attention?
Why ask it
Almost every couple loses ground here and most are surprised by it. Naming one thing you will protect, however small, is more realistic than promising not to change.
How do we get time alone together once there are children?
Why ask it
It requires money, a babysitter or a reciprocal arrangement with friends, and none of it happens spontaneously. Decide who is going to organise it, because otherwise nobody will.
What do we do if one of us starts resenting the division of work at home?
Why ask it
Resentment about domestic labour builds silently and then arrives as contempt. Agree now that either of you can call for a redistribution without it being a criticism.
Who is going to be the one who remembers things, and is that fair?
Why ask it
The birthdays, the appointments, the school forms and the shopping list usually land on one person. Naming the load is the first step to sharing it.
What do we do if one of us stops being ambitious?
Why ask it
Ambition changes with children, illness and age, and a partner can experience the change as a broken promise. Agreeing that it is allowed is worth saying explicitly.
What if one of us becomes considerably more successful than the other?
Why ask it
It affects money, decision-making and self-respect, and it goes unspoken in a lot of marriages. Ask what each of you would need in order not to feel diminished.
How do we get through a long stretch where we are both exhausted?
Why ask it
Small children, a demanding job or illness can produce two or three years of it. The answer is usually lowering standards deliberately rather than trying harder.
What would we do if we stopped having sex for a year?
Why ask it
This happens in many long marriages and the silence around it does more damage than the fact. Agree now that it is a thing you would talk about rather than tolerate.
What do we do if one of us is unhappy and cannot explain why?
Why ask it
Demanding a reason tends to produce a fabricated one or a shutdown. Ask what would help while it is unexplained.
What if one of us has to look after a parent more or less full time?
Why ask it
It can last years and it reshapes money, geography and time. Talking about the limits now protects the carer from being left to it alone.
How do we talk about money if one of us stops earning for a long time?
Why ask it
The person not earning often stops feeling entitled to spend, which nobody intended. Decide in advance that the household income is the household's.
How would we handle a serious diagnosis in our forties?
Why ask it
Naming the practical things, who tells whom, who comes to appointments, what happens with work, gives you something to hold. It also reveals whether either of you tends to manage fear by going silent.
What do we want our children to see about how we treat each other?
Why ask it
This is the most durable thing you will teach them, and it is mostly conveyed in ordinary irritated moments. Pick one specific behaviour you both want them to witness.
What do we do with ourselves when the children leave?
Why ask it
Couples who have been co-parents for twenty years can find they have not been much else. Starting something joint before then is the only real preparation.
What are we saving towards, and how will we know we have enough?
Why ask it
Without a target, saving becomes an anxious habit and spending becomes guilt. A figure and a purpose settle a surprising number of arguments.
At what age do you want to be able to stop working?
Why ask it
The answer sets the required saving rate, which makes the trade-offs concrete. Two very different ages need reconciling long before either arrives.
What are your pensions actually worth, and do you know?
Why ask it
Most people do not, and the gap between assumption and reality is often large. One afternoon of looking is worth more than a decade of intending to.
If one of us has the bigger pension, what protects the other?
Why ask it
Time out of work for children permanently reduces one person's retirement income in most systems. It is worth deciding whether to compensate for that deliberately.
How much risk do you want to take with our savings?
Why ask it
One of you may find the stock market obviously sensible and the other may find it gambling. Agreeing a split beats one person quietly doing what they prefer.
How much do we want to help our children financially, and until when?
Why ask it
Deposits, tuition and ongoing support are among the largest decisions a middle-aged couple makes. Discussing the principle before your children are adults keeps it from being decided case by case.
Would we downsize, and roughly when?
Why ask it
Housing is most people's largest asset and the timing shapes retirement entirely. Ask whether either of you is attached to the house itself.
What do we do about a relative who keeps needing money?
Why ask it
Repeated requests wear down the more sympathetic partner and harden the other. Agreeing an annual limit as a couple means the answer is not personal.
How do we actually decide on a large purchase?
Why ask it
Not the threshold but the process: who researches, who has the veto, how long you wait. Most couples have never articulated it and argue about it repeatedly.
What would we do if one of us were made redundant at fifty?
Why ask it
Re-employment can be slow at that age and the financial shock is larger than at thirty. Knowing your runway and your fallback removes some of the panic.
What do we want to leave behind, and to whom?
Why ask it
Children, other relatives, charity, or nothing much because you intend to spend it. Saying it plainly avoids leaving your family to guess.
Where do we want to be living at seventy?
Why ask it
Nearer children, nearer a hospital, somewhere warm, or the same house. The answer has consequences for the property decisions you make in your forties.
What do we do if one of us can no longer manage the house?
Why ask it
Stairs, driving and maintenance decide this more than health in the abstract. Deciding the trigger in advance is easier than deciding after a fall.
What would you want if you developed dementia?
Why ask it
Care at home, a care home, who decides, and what you would want your family told. Saying it while you can is a considerable gift to whoever has to act on it.
Would you want to be cared for at home if you were seriously ill?
Why ask it
The honest answer sometimes changes when the person hears what it would ask of their spouse. Discuss both sides of it plainly.
If you were dying, what would you want said to our children?
Why ask it
This is a difficult conversation and it is much easier now than in a hospital. What people usually want is to be told the truth in plain language, but ask rather than assume.
Are there treatments you would refuse?
Why ask it
Ventilation, resuscitation, feeding tubes and aggressive treatment with poor odds are the usual subjects. Writing it down is what makes it usable by a doctor.
Who do you want making medical decisions for you if you cannot?
Why ask it
It is not automatically your spouse everywhere, and the paperwork differs by country. Name the person, tell them, and file the document.
Do you want to be buried or cremated, and where?
Why ask it
Whoever survives you will be asked this within days, often while in shock. A single sentence from you now removes an impossible decision then.
What would you want done with your things?
Why ask it
Specific items matter more than the estate: a ring, a workshop, a collection, a set of letters. Naming three or four is enough.
What would you want me to do about the house if you died first?
Why ask it
Staying is often assumed and is not always right. Giving permission to move, in advance, is a practical kindness.
Would you want me to find someone else?
Why ask it
The question sounds morbid and widowed people frequently say they wished they had been told. Answering it costs nothing now.
What do you want the last few years to look like?
Why ask it
Quiet, near family, still working, travelling, at home. It is the clearest way to say what you have been aiming at all along.
What is the earliest sign that we are in trouble?
Why ask it
For most couples it is not fighting, it is going polite and separate. Naming your own specific sign makes it possible to catch.
If I noticed it first, what would you want me to do?
Why ask it
Some people want it said directly and some need a walk and an indirect opening. Getting this wrong turns a rescue attempt into an argument.
Would you go to counselling before things got bad, or only after?
Why ask it
The honest answer predicts a great deal. Couples who treat it as maintenance rather than emergency treatment tend to need less of it.
What have we already come through, and how did we manage it?
Why ask it
Your own history is the best available evidence about your capacity to repair. Name what each of you actually did that helped.
What do you need in the twenty minutes after an argument?
Why ask it
Contact, space, food, an apology or a joke. Providing the wrong one sincerely is one of the most common ways couples prolong a row.
What do you need me to stop doing?
Why ask it
Ask for one thing, not a list, and accept the answer without negotiating it. If nothing comes, ask again in a week when they have thought about it.
What do I do that you have decided to tolerate?
Why ask it
There will be several and hearing them plainly is more useful than being told everything is fine. Notice whether they are habits or judgements about your character.
Is there anything I have never apologised for?
Why ask it
Old unsettled items resurface in arguments years later with full force. Asking directly is the only reliable way to find them.
What is the kindest thing I could do for you this month?
Why ask it
Specific and small beats grand and vague. Ask for something you can actually do before the month ends.
What should we do on a day when neither of us particularly likes the other?
Why ask it
Every long marriage has these and they are not emergencies. Having an agreed low-effort plan, a walk, a film, an early night, prevents a bad day becoming a bad week.
What would make you say at eighty that you were glad we did this?
Why ask it
It is the standard you are both actually being measured against, and most couples never state it. Keep the answer short enough to remember.
What do you want me to remind you of when you forget it?
Why ask it
People know what they lose sight of: their own worth, a plan, a promise, a reason. Being told what to say is what lets you say it usefully.
Working Through the Arc of a Marriage
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How This List Is Arranged
It Moves Through Time, Not Through Topics
The sections run from what marriage means to you, through the legal and administrative reality, the first year, the first five years, the middle years, money across decades, aging and death, and finally repair. Reading it in order is the point, because the later questions are easier once the earlier ones are answered.
Do the Paperwork Section as Admin, Not Romance
Names, wills, beneficiaries, powers of attorney, insurance and tax are unglamorous and consequential. Set aside one evening, make a list of what has to change, and treat it as a task rather than a conversation about feelings.
Do the Aging and Death Section While You Are Both Well
These questions are ordinary in a quiet living room and unbearable in a hospital corridor. Write the answers down, tell one other person where they are, and then leave the subject alone for a few years.
One Section Per Sitting, With Something Afterwards
Do not finish an evening on the hardest question in a section. Plan something ordinary to do next so the conversation has somewhere to land.
The Practical List Most Couples Miss
- Check whether marriage invalidates or alters any will either of you already has, and make new ones in the same month as the wedding.
- Update the named beneficiaries on pensions and life policies, which often still list a parent or a former partner.
- Find out how marrying changes your tax position where you live, before the date rather than after.
- Put powers of attorney for health and finances in place, because being a spouse is not always enough on its own.
- Write down where the accounts, policies, passwords and documents are, and make sure both of you can find them.
- If either of you is on a visa, take proper advice on timing and evidence rather than relying on what a forum says.
- Name a guardian for any future children and ask that person before you write it down.
- Agree who changes their name, if anyone, and list every organisation that has to be told.
What Goes Wrong
Answering for the Wedding Instead of the Marriage
A year of planning can absorb every serious conversation you meant to have. If your answers are all about the day rather than the decades, the list has not done its job.
Treating the Death Questions as Bad Luck
Superstition about discussing illness and dying leaves the surviving spouse guessing at a funeral director's desk. Ten minutes of plain talking now prevents that entirely.
Confusing Reassurance With an Answer
We will figure it out is a statement of goodwill, not a plan. On money, children, careers and care, push gently for a number, a name or a date.
Making the Answers Permanent
Most of these should be asked again at forty and at sixty, because the honest answers change. Treating this year's answers as binding is how couples end up keeping promises neither of them wants.