101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
One hundred and one questions grouped by the areas that actually decide how a marriage runs: money and debt, work and time, children and fertility, the daily household, both sets of parents, faith, health, sex, how you argue, and the long view. Take one area per sitting.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What do you earn, before tax, and how steady is it?
Why ask it
Plenty of engaged couples have never exchanged this figure. Steadiness matters as much as the number, because commission, freelance work and bonuses change what you can borrow and how you should budget.
What do you owe, to whom, and at what interest rate?
Why ask it
Student loans, car finance, credit cards and money owed to a relative all behave differently. The rate is what tells you which one you should be attacking together first.
Is there any debt you have not told me about?
Why ask it
Hidden balances are one of the most common pre-marriage disclosures and one of the most damaging when they surface later. Asking directly, once, calmly, is the only way it gets said.
What do you own that is worth more than a month's rent?
Why ask it
Property, a vehicle, savings, equity in a business, or an inheritance already received. Knowing this before a wedding is what makes any later legal conversation ordinary rather than insulting.
What is your credit history like?
Why ask it
A poor record affects whether you can rent, borrow or buy together, and it can be caused by something as ordinary as an old phone contract. Better to find out now than at a mortgage application.
Do you expect an inheritance, and is anyone counting on it?
Why ask it
Silent assumptions about future money distort present decisions about saving and risk. Ask also whether the money is expected to stay in the family in some way.
Will we combine our money, keep it separate, or run both?
Why ask it
All three work. What does not work is one person assuming joint and the other assuming separate, and discovering the difference during an argument about a purchase.
What amount would you spend on yourself without mentioning it?
Why ask it
Set one number you both accept. Most money conflict in marriage is not about totals, it is about being surprised.
Who is going to actually handle the bills and the paperwork?
Why ask it
Almost always one person does it, and the other slowly loses track of the household's finances. Decide who, and decide how the other person stays informed.
How much should we keep as an emergency fund, in pounds or dollars?
Why ask it
One of you may find one month's costs reassuring and the other may need six. Agreeing on a figure prevents years of low-level friction about saving versus spending.
What would we cut first if our income dropped by a third?
Why ask it
Naming the order in advance, subscriptions, then holidays, then the car, then the house, is a calm exercise now and a frantic one later. It also reveals what each of you regards as non-negotiable.
Would you lend money to your family, and how much?
Why ask it
Requests from parents and siblings arrive in most marriages and are among the hardest to refuse alone. Agreeing a limit as a couple means neither of you has to decide under pressure.
What did money feel like in your house growing up?
Why ask it
Scarcity, secrecy, generosity and shame are all inherited, and they explain behaviour that otherwise looks irrational. Listen for whether money was ever discussed at all.
Are you a saver or a spender, and what does the evidence say?
Why ask it
Self-description and bank statements often disagree. Compare last month's actual spending rather than trading adjectives.
Should we make wills, and what would they say?
Why ask it
Marriage changes inheritance rules in most places, and without wills the default may not be what either of you wants, particularly with children from previous relationships. This is an hour of admin that prevents a great deal of grief.
Do we want a prenuptial agreement, and why or why not?
Why ask it
The conversation matters more than the document, because it forces you to say what you each think is fair. Watch for whether the objection is to the terms or to being asked.
What does financial security mean to you, in one sentence?
Why ask it
For some it is a paid-off house and for others it is enough cash to leave a job. Two different definitions produce two different lives, and they need reconciling before the mortgage.
How many hours a week do you want to be working in five years?
Why ask it
Ambition and availability trade against each other, and this puts a number on it. A partner planning eighty hour weeks and one planning school pickups need to hear each other now.
Would you move cities for your career, and would you expect me to?
Why ask it
Answering both halves is the point, since many people say yes to the first and have never considered the second. Ask which cities are genuinely out of the question.
Whose job gives way if both cannot be accommodated?
Why ask it
There is no fair general answer, but there is a fair method: highest earner, best prospects, or taking turns. Agree the method rather than the outcome.
What would you do if you lost your job tomorrow?
Why ask it
The answer covers savings, pride, and whether they would tell you immediately. How someone plans for this predicts how they will behave in it.
Is there a career change you have not mentioned because it seems impractical?
Why ask it
Suppressed plans tend to reappear at forty as a crisis. Hearing it now lets it become a project with a timeline instead of an eruption.
How much of your work do you bring home, in hours and in mood?
Why ask it
The mood part is the one that shapes a marriage and the one nobody negotiates. Ask what the first twenty minutes after work should look like.
What does a good weekend look like to you?
Why ask it
Rest, socialising and errands compete, and mismatched defaults cause a surprising amount of resentment. Ask how many weekend days you each want free of plans.
How much holiday do we take, and doing what?
Why ask it
Some people want one large trip and some want six long weekends, and budgets rarely stretch to both. Also ask whether visiting family counts as a holiday, because opinions differ sharply.
Would either of us want to stop working for a while, and when?
Why ask it
A sabbatical, retraining, a period at home with a baby, or early retirement all need to be planned for years ahead. Saying it out loud is what makes saving for it possible.
What do you want your work to have amounted to?
Why ask it
This gets at whether work is a living, a vocation or an identity, which determines how much of your shared life it can claim. Answers change over time, so ask again in a few years.
Do you want children, and how sure are you?
Why ask it
The degree of certainty matters as much as the answer, because probably is a different conversation from definitely. Neither of you should treat the other's answer as an opening bid.
How many, and how far apart?
Why ask it
Two people who both say yes to children can want one and four respectively. Spacing also determines whether one of you will be out of work for two years or six.
By what age would you want to have started?
Why ask it
Putting a rough year on it converts an intention into a plan, including the saving and the career timing. It also brings any fertility questions into the open early enough to matter.
What would we do if we struggled to conceive?
Why ask it
Treatment is expensive, physically demanding and can go on for years, and couples who have never discussed it tend to disagree about when to stop. Ask what each of you would want the limit to be.
How do you feel about adoption or fostering?
Why ask it
It deserves to be a considered position rather than a fallback discovered under pressure. Ask whether they see it as equivalent or as a different thing entirely.
What if we ended up with no children at all?
Why ask it
Some people would grieve and adapt, and some would consider the marriage's purpose gone. This answer is important whatever your plans are.
Who gets up in the night?
Why ask it
The tiny logistics predict the first year better than any philosophy of parenting. Vague answers here almost always resolve into whoever is on parental leave doing all of it.
Would either of us stop working, and for how long?
Why ask it
This has consequences for pensions, career trajectory and the balance of power in the household for a decade. Name the likely arrangement and what it costs the person doing it.
How much childcare would we pay for, and out of whose money?
Why ask it
Childcare is often the largest line in a young family's budget and it is frequently framed as coming out of the lower earner's salary. Deciding it is a household cost changes the whole conversation.
How were you disciplined, and what will you do differently?
Why ask it
People default to their own upbringing under stress regardless of what they read. The differences you find now are the ones to agree on before there is a two year old in the room.
What role would our parents have in raising our children?
Why ask it
Weekly childcare, occasional visits, or a strong say in schooling are very different arrangements. Ask what each of you would find intrusive.
How would we handle religion or faith with a child?
Why ask it
Baptism, schooling, holidays and what you say when a child asks a direct question all need answers. Couples who postpone this tend to have the argument in front of a relative.
What schooling do you imagine, and what would we pay for it?
Why ask it
State, faith, private and home education carry very different costs and commitments. This is also a conversation about whether either of you would move house for a school.
What would you do if a child of ours needed far more support than we expected?
Why ask it
Disability, illness and serious difficulty at school reshape a family, and nobody plans for it. What you want to hear is willingness rather than a plan.
Where do we live for the next five years, and where after that?
Why ask it
One of you may be assuming an eventual return to a home town. Getting the assumption on the table stops it appearing as a surprise ultimatum.
Do we rent or buy, and what are we prepared to compromise on?
Why ask it
Space, commute, area and cost cannot all be satisfied, so decide the order in advance. Also agree what deposit you are aiming for and by when.
Who does the cleaning, and to what standard?
Why ask it
Standards differ more than willingness does, and the person with the higher standard usually ends up doing more. Name the specific tasks rather than agreeing to share.
Who cooks, and what do we eat on an ordinary Tuesday?
Why ask it
This is one of the most repeated activities in a marriage and one of the least discussed. Ask what happens on the nights when neither of you wants to.
How tidy does the house need to be for each of us to relax?
Why ask it
Mismatched thresholds here cause daily low-grade conflict for decades. Comparing your current homes is more informative than describing your preferences.
How much time do you need alone in a normal week?
Why ask it
Solitude needs are not a comment on the relationship, but they are read that way if never explained. Answer in evenings and hours.
What are our rules about phones in the evening and the bedroom?
Why ask it
Devices absorb the hours couples assume they will have together. Agreeing something small and specific works better than a general resolution.
Do we want pets, and who looks after them?
Why ask it
This is a fifteen year commitment with real costs and constraints on travel. The care question is the one that actually causes the arguments.
How do we handle it when one of us is ill?
Why ask it
Some people want to be left alone and some want company, and getting it wrong feels like neglect. Say plainly what you want when you have flu, and what you want if it were serious.
How much do we drink, and would either of us like to drink less?
Why ask it
It is easier to answer before it becomes a grievance. Compare your own answer with your partner's answer about you.
What does a good ordinary evening look like to you?
Why ask it
Most of a marriage is made of these, not of holidays or milestones. If your two answers do not overlap at all, that is worth solving now.
How often do we see each set of parents?
Why ask it
Expectations range from weekly to twice a year, and both people usually assume their own family's rhythm is normal. Put a number on it.
Where do we spend the big holidays?
Why ask it
Deciding a rotation before the first year means the argument happens once rather than annually. Also decide whether some years you stay at home.
Can your parents let themselves in?
Why ask it
Keys, notice and unannounced visits are the specific issues behind most in-law conflict. Answer with the actual rule, not the sentiment.
Who tells your family bad news, and who tells mine?
Why ask it
Agreeing that each person handles their own relatives prevents one of you becoming a messenger for a conversation you cannot control. It also protects a spouse from being blamed for a decision you made jointly.
Is there anyone in your family I need to be careful with, and why?
Why ask it
There is nearly always someone. Knowing the history in advance prevents you walking into an old dispute at a wedding.
What happens when one of our parents needs care?
Why ask it
This lands on most couples eventually and it involves money, space, distance and often one person's career. Talking about it before it is urgent is the entire benefit.
Would we ever have a relative live with us?
Why ask it
In many families this is an expectation rather than a question, and one partner may not know that. Ask what the answer would be for each set of parents.
What are we going to do about the family member neither of us wants at the wedding?
Why ask it
Guest lists surface estrangements and obligations that have been dormant for years. Deciding as a couple, in advance, stops either of you being ambushed by your own relatives.
How much of our life do you want your family to know about?
Why ask it
One partner reporting money troubles or arguments to a parent is a common and corrosive habit. Agree what stays between the two of you.
If your family and I disagree, what do you do?
Why ask it
The answer people want to hear is that they will be backed in public and disagreed with in private. Anything vaguer than that will be tested within a year.
What do you believe, and how much does it govern your week?
Why ask it
Practice matters more than doctrine for a shared household: services, fasting, dietary rules, sabbath. Ask what would happen if you asked them to skip it.
What kind of ceremony do you want, and who needs it to be that way?
Why ask it
Often the pressure is from parents rather than the couple, and separating the two is useful. Ask what each of you would refuse.
Would you want our children raised in your faith?
Why ask it
This is the point where an interfaith relationship becomes concrete. A partner who has not thought about it should be asked to, before the wedding rather than after a birth.
What are your politics, and what could you not tolerate in a partner's?
Why ask it
The second half is the real question, since living with disagreement is possible and living with contempt is not. Ask how each of you would handle it at a family table.
What do you think we owe other people, in money or time?
Why ask it
Charitable giving, volunteering and looking after neighbours are joint decisions once your money is joint. Some people want a percentage and some want spontaneity.
What tradition from your childhood do you want to keep?
Why ask it
Concrete answers, a specific meal, a birthday ritual, a holiday, are easy to grant and matter for decades. It is also how a couple starts building their own.
What would you want done at your funeral?
Why ask it
Burial, cremation, service and who is told are things a spouse may be asked to decide with no guidance. One conversation now, plainly, removes an enormous burden later.
What do you want our marriage to be for?
Why ask it
Answers include companionship, family, faith, security and building something. Two different answers are workable as long as both are said.
What health conditions run in your family?
Why ask it
This affects children, insurance, and what you both watch for. It also tells you what each of you already fears.
Is there anything about your health I should know now?
Why ask it
Chronic illness, mental health history and medication are all easier to say before a wedding than after. A partner who conceals it is telling you something about how bad news will travel in this marriage.
Have you ever had treatment for your mental health, and what helped?
Why ask it
What helped is the useful half, because it tells you what to reach for in a bad month. Judgement at this question is the fastest way to guarantee you are never told again.
What do you do when you are struggling, and what do you need from me?
Why ask it
Most people want either company or space and cannot say so in the moment. Getting the answer now means you are not guessing during a crisis.
How would we know if either of us were drinking or using too much?
Why ask it
Agreeing on a marker in advance, a frequency, a behaviour, someone else's opinion, makes it possible to raise later without it being an accusation. Refusing to name any marker is itself a finding.
Would you go to counselling, together or alone?
Why ask it
The answer predicts what happens in the first serious crisis. A flat refusal is worth discussing now rather than discovering at the worst moment.
What is your relationship with your body and with exercise?
Why ask it
It affects daily rhythm, food, holidays and how each of you responds to weight change over twenty years. Ask what they would want you to say and not say about it.
How do we look after each other in a serious illness?
Why ask it
Someone will be a carer at some point. Talking about it now is a way of promising something specific rather than something romantic.
Who would you want making medical decisions if you could not?
Why ask it
Marriage does not automatically give a spouse full authority everywhere, and the paperwork varies. Naming the person and writing it down is a kindness to whoever is left deciding.
What would you want if you were seriously ill and treatment stopped working?
Why ask it
This is a plain conversation, not a morbid one, and it is much easier to have while you are both well. Write down what you agree and tell one other person.
What do you want our sex life to look like in five years?
Why ask it
The honest answers are about frequency, initiation and effort, and they are far easier to say before they become a complaint. Silence on this topic before marriage rarely improves after it.
How do you want to be asked, and how do you want to say no?
Why ask it
Most long-term difficulty here is about rejection rather than desire. Agreeing on wording sounds unromantic and prevents years of misreading.
What would you do if one of us lost interest for a long stretch?
Why ask it
Illness, medication, a new baby and grief all cause this, and it is normal. What matters is whether you would talk about it or let it become a silence.
What does monogamy mean to you, specifically?
Why ask it
Definitions differ on messaging, flirting, pornography, old friends and nights away. Assuming a shared definition is how people find themselves betrayed by something the other thought was fine.
What would count as an affair to you?
Why ask it
Ask for the line rather than the principle. Naming it once is what makes it a boundary instead of a discovery.
Is there anything about your sexual history I should know?
Why ask it
The aim is not a full account, it is anything with present consequences: health, a person still in your life, an experience that affects you now. Ask once, and do not treat the answer as leverage.
What do you need from me to feel wanted rather than useful?
Why ask it
Long marriages drift into logistics, and this question names the drift before it happens. The answers are usually small and specific.
How do you feel about the way we handle affection in front of other people?
Why ask it
One partner may find public affection important and the other excruciating, and both read the mismatch as coolness. Agree a level rather than negotiating it in the moment.
What happens to you physically in an argument?
Why ask it
Some people flood and need twenty minutes, others need to finish the conversation immediately. Knowing which is which converts a pattern of walking out into an agreed pause.
Who calls the pause, and what happens next?
Why ask it
A pause with no agreed return time reads as abandonment. Say the words you will use and the time you will come back.
What is never said in an argument in this marriage?
Why ask it
Divorce, insults about family, throwing back a confided weakness. Writing the short list down while calm is what makes it hold when you are not.
How were disagreements handled in your house growing up?
Why ask it
Shouting, silence, or nothing visible at all are all training. It explains why one of you experiences a raised voice as ordinary and the other as frightening.
What does an apology look like to you?
Why ask it
Some people need words, some need changed behaviour, some need time. Getting this wrong means apologies land as dismissals for years.
What do you do when you feel criticised?
Why ask it
Withdrawal, counterattack and over-apology are the usual three, and none of them resolves anything. Naming your own pattern is what lets your partner recognise it.
What have I done that you have not fully forgiven?
Why ask it
Better to hear it now than to find it produced in an argument three years from now. Ask what would count as settling it.
What is our unresolved argument, and is it moving?
Why ask it
Every couple has one. A recurring argument that has not changed shape in two years will not be changed by a wedding.
What would you do if I broke your trust badly?
Why ask it
This is a question about their limits and their capacity for repair, and both are worth knowing. Answers of nothing could ever change how I feel are worth gently testing.
What does an ordinary Wednesday look like for us in ten years?
Why ask it
A Wednesday is more revealing than a five year plan because it contains who cooks, who is home and which city you are in. Two different Wednesdays need reconciling.
What would you want to have done together by the time we are sixty?
Why ask it
Long-horizon plans, a place, a trip, a house, a business, only happen if they are said early and saved for. Pick one to start this year.
What would you want me to do if you died first?
Why ask it
Remarriage, the house, the funeral, who to lean on. Giving each other permission in advance is one of the most practical kindnesses available to a couple.
What would make you say, in thirty years, that this was a good marriage?
Why ask it
The answer is the standard you are both actually being held to, and most couples have never stated it. Keep it short enough to remember.
How to Work Through 101 Questions Without Wrecking the Year
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
A Workable Method
One Area Per Sitting
This list runs through money, work, children, home, families, faith, health, sex, conflict and the long view. Take a single area, spend an hour, and then stop and do something else. Attempting the whole thing in a weekend produces fatigue rather than agreement.
Write Your Own Answer Down First
On money, children and time, answer privately before you compare. Spoken first answers pull the second person toward them, and you lose the information you were trying to get.
Insist on Figures and Dates
Careful with money, near our families, some time off and eventually are not answers. A number, a year or a place name is something you can hold each other to, and something you will notice changing.
Keep a Shared Page of What You Settled
Write down the emergency fund figure, the spending threshold, the holiday rotation and the pause phrase. Six months later neither of you will remember, and the page prevents the same argument twice.
Sorting the Disagreements
- 1Put every mismatch into one of three piles: a preference, a plan that needs work, or something that would genuinely change whether you marry.
- 2Preferences need naming, not resolving. Say them out loud and let them sit.
- 3Plans need an owner and a date. Write who is doing what by when, even for something as small as making an appointment.
- 4For the third pile, say plainly what you would need in order to go ahead, and give yourselves weeks rather than one evening.
- 5If one topic ends the conversation every time it is raised, take that specific topic to a counsellor rather than dropping it.
- 6Book a date to revisit the unresolved list, because wedding planning will otherwise bury it entirely.
What Goes Wrong
Answering as Your Future Self
Describing the saver you plan to become, or the parent you hope to be, gives your partner a forecast instead of a fact. Answer as the person you were last month.
Scoring the Exercise
A couple who find six real disagreements have got more out of this than a couple who find none. Agreement reached quickly on everything usually means someone is being agreeable.
Treating Silence as Consent
A partner who says nothing about children, money or their family has not agreed with you. Ask again, directly, and wait through the pause.
Doing It During Wedding Planning
Once there is a date, a deposit and two families involved, raising a real objection costs far more. The value of these questions is highest before any of that exists.
Using an Answer Later as Ammunition
If something disclosed here reappears in an argument, you will not be told anything difficult again. That single rule matters more than any question on the list.