Dirty Questions to Ask
Twenty direct questions for couples who are willing to talk about sex plainly. They cover what each of you wants more and less of, what has been performed rather than enjoyed, what should stay a fantasy, and what nobody has asked for yet. For adults in a consenting relationship, with either partner free to pass.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What do you want that you have never asked anyone for?
Why ask it
Never asked anyone is a lower bar than never asked you, so it gets an answer without implying you were the obstacle. The reason it went unasked is usually the more interesting half.
What do you think about most often when you are on your own?
Why ask it
Recurring is the useful word here, since a repeated thought says more about someone's actual taste than a one-off. Answers frequently have a theme rather than a scene, and the theme is what to work with.
What turns you on that would surprise somebody who knows you well?
Why ask it
The framing supplies cover, which is why this gets fuller answers than asking directly. Watch for anything prefaced with it is stupid, because that is the real answer arriving with an apology attached.
What was the best sex we have had, and what made it that time?
Why ask it
The second clause turns a memory into something repeatable. Very often the answer is about the hours beforehand, being unhurried or unworried, rather than anything that happened in bed.
What do you want more of that you have hinted at and I have missed?
Why ask it
Assumes there is one, which makes it easier to name. Most long relationships have at least one hint that has been dropped repeatedly and read as nothing in particular.
What do you want less of, and how long has that been true?
Why ask it
The hardest question in the set and the most useful. The duration matters, because something that stopped working two years ago has been silently endured for two years.
What do you like being told while it is happening?
Why ask it
Words cost nothing and get skipped because nobody knows what the other person wants to hear. Ask for a phrase, not a category, since a category cannot be used in the moment.
What is a fantasy you want to keep as a fantasy?
Why ask it
Gives permission for the honest answer that something is better imagined than done, which people often will not volunteer for fear of being taken up on it. It also prevents a well-meant surprise going badly wrong.
What is a fantasy you would actually want to try?
Why ask it
Deliberately placed straight after the previous question so the distinction is already made. Whatever comes back here can be planned rather than interpreted.
What do you want me to do that I do not do?
Why ask it
Blunt and slightly uncomfortable, and the discomfort is why it works. If the answer is nothing, ask what you have stopped doing that you used to, which reliably produces something.
How do you like being approached, and how do you like to approach me?
Why ask it
Two halves, and mismatches between them cause more trouble than any difference in taste. Someone who only wants to be approached and never approaches has usually never noticed the pattern.
What does it take for you to finish, and how honest have you been about that?
Why ask it
The second clause is the whole question. Plenty of people have been vague for years to avoid an awkward correction, and the vagueness is what keeps the problem in place.
What have you performed because it seemed expected?
Why ask it
Easier to answer than asking directly whether something was faked, and it gets to the same place. Answers may include noise, enthusiasm, timing, or an entire preference.
What is the difference for you between good sex and sex you remember?
Why ask it
Separates competence from significance, and the answer is rarely about technique. It usually names a condition, such as being unhurried, somewhere new, or slightly nervous.
What would you want on a night with no interruptions and no early start?
Why ask it
Removing the practical constraint lets someone answer at full size. How much of the reply is about time rather than acts is worth noticing.
What is a hard limit for you, and what is a soft one?
Why ask it
Asking for both prevents everything being filed under no. Soft limits are the ones worth revisiting later, and they cannot be revisited if they were never distinguished.
What have you agreed to before that you did not really want?
Why ask it
Handle carefully; this can reach into a previous relationship or something worse, and the right response is to stop and listen rather than to continue the list. It also shows where an agreement from you might not have been a real yes.
What do you need afterward that you have never asked for?
Why ask it
The minutes after are unplanned in most relationships and matter more than people admit. Water, quiet, being held and being talked to are all common and not interchangeable.
What do you want to be asked for more directly?
Why ask it
Some people want hinting and some find it exhausting, and neither knows which the other is without asking. The answer tells you how to start every future conversation on this.
What is one thing you want us to do differently from now on?
Why ask it
A closer that converts an hour of talking into a single change. One agreed and acted on beats five discussed and forgotten by the weekend.
Having this conversation properly
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Where and when
Not in bed and not mid-encounter
Anything about what is not working sounds like a verdict when either of you is undressed. Have this with clothes on, somewhere neutral, with a normal task to go to afterward.
Not while something else is unresolved
If there is a live argument, these questions will be answered about the argument. Deal with that first or postpone.
Three or four questions, not twenty
The set is a resource rather than an agenda. Working through all of it in one sitting produces short answers and a sense of being processed.
Agree the pass rule out loud
Say plainly that either of you can skip anything and that skipping will not be brought up later. Then honor it the first time it is used, which is the only part that counts.
From talking to doing
- Naming a want is not agreeing to a date for it. Ask again out loud each time, however long ago the conversation happened.
- Question 8 exists so that a fantasy can be enjoyed without being enacted. Do not treat a disclosure as a request.
- Agree how to stop before you try anything new, including a word or a signal, and use it once on purpose so it is not theoretical.
- Revisit soft limits every so often. Something ruled out three years ago may not still be ruled out, and it will never come up on its own.
- Alcohol makes these conversations easier and the resulting agreements less reliable. Decide sober, or decide again sober.
When the answer is hard to hear
Questions 6, 12, 13 and 17 can produce something that lands badly: years of politeness, a preference you do not share, or an experience that was not consented to. Deal with the disclosure rather than the list. Say you are glad it was said, ask one question to understand it, and stop there for the evening. Whatever you feel about it can be raised tomorrow, and it will be received far better then than in the first ten minutes. If an answer points to coercion in this relationship or a previous one, the conversation is no longer about sex and a counselor or a specialist service is a better next step than another question. Defending yourself in the moment is the single most reliable way to ensure you never hear anything honest again.
What goes wrong
Comparing to anyone else
Questions about past partners produce answers that cannot be unheard and change nothing about what happens next. Keep the frame on the two of you.
Using the list as an accusation
Asking what someone wants less of while already angry is not a question. If you have a complaint, make it a complaint rather than dressing it as curiosity.
Repeating any of it
None of this belongs to friends, family or a group chat, however affectionately it is retold. One breach ends this kind of honesty for good.
Talking and never changing anything
If nothing happens differently afterward, the lesson learned is that honesty here is decorative. Pick one answer and act on it inside a fortnight.