Good Questions to Ask a Priest
Questions for a conversation with a priest: how to begin, what stays confidential, what to ask about prayer, forgiveness and doubt, and the practical questions about funerals, returning after years away, and asking on someone else's behalf.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How do people usually start when they do not know where to begin?
Why ask it
A useful first question if you are nervous. Priests field this often, and the answer tells you what an ordinary conversation with them looks like, which is less formal than most people expect.
What is the difference between talking with you and going to confession?
Why ask it
Worth settling early. One is a conversation, the other is a sacrament with a set form and a different rule about confidentiality, and knowing which you are in changes what you say.
What is said here, and what stays here?
Why ask it
Plain and reasonable to ask. The seal of confession and ordinary pastoral confidentiality are not the same thing, and a priest will tell you where the line falls.
How would you suggest praying when I do not feel like praying?
Why ask it
Most priests answer this practically rather than devotionally: shorter prayers, a fixed time of day, saying the words without waiting for the feeling to arrive first.
What do you do when your own prayer feels empty?
Why ask it
Asking about their experience rather than yours tends to get the more candid answer. Hearing that clergy also have long dry stretches is often the reassurance people came for.
How do I tell whether a decision is the right one?
Why ask it
Questions about discernment get vague answers unless you bring the actual decision with you. Bring it. Priests are generally more useful on a specific choice than on a method.
What does the Church teach on this, and where is there room to disagree?
Why ask it
Separates settled doctrine from discipline from personal opinion, three things that get blurred in ordinary conversation. A good answer names the source it comes from.
How do I forgive someone who is not sorry?
Why ask it
The hard version of the forgiveness question and the one people actually carry. Watch whether the answer distinguishes forgiveness from reconciliation, because those are not the same act.
How do I stay in a relationship with someone I keep resenting?
Why ask it
Practical rather than theological, and priests hear it constantly. Answers often concern what you can stop expecting rather than what you ought to feel.
What do you say to someone who is angry at God?
Why ask it
Anger is common and usually unspoken in religious settings. A priest who takes it seriously rather than correcting it is one you can keep talking to.
How do I raise children in the faith when I have doubts myself?
Why ask it
Specific and widely shared. Look for whether the answer allows honesty with children or asks you to conceal the doubt, because that difference will shape your household for years.
What do I do with doubts I cannot resolve?
Why ask it
Doubt is treated either as a fault to correct or as an ordinary part of belief. Which framing you get tells you whether this is the right person for you to keep talking to.
What do you say about suffering when there is no lesson in it?
Why ask it
Asks for the version they would use at a hospital bedside rather than the version for a homily. If the answer still arrives as a lesson, that is worth noting.
How do you sit with someone who is dying?
Why ask it
A plain question about practice. Answers tend to be quiet ones: presence, silence, prayers said aloud, and not filling the room with explanation.
What happens at a funeral here, and what do I need to decide?
Why ask it
If you are arranging one, this is the practical question. Readings, music, who may speak and what is permitted vary by parish, and it is easier asked before you are grieving.
How does someone come back after years away?
Why ask it
People carry more shame about this than the situation warrants. Ask what the actual steps are, because there are usually fewer of them than expected.
What should I read next, given where I am?
Why ask it
More useful than a general reading list. A priest who knows your situation will suggest something you will finish rather than something that sounds impressive.
What part of your work would surprise people?
Why ask it
Answers are often administrative: buildings, budgets, staffing, meetings. It reframes what you are asking of their time and usually makes the rest of the conversation easier.
What do you find hardest about this vocation?
Why ask it
Better asked late. Common answers involve loneliness, being present at repeated grief, and the distance between what people want from a priest and what one person can give.
Is there something you wish people asked you and never do?
Why ask it
A closer that hands them the floor. Answers often concern their own faith, their own doubts, or simply being asked how they are.
Arranging and using the conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Arranging the Conversation
Ask for a Time Rather Than Catching Them After a Service
The ten minutes after a service are the worst window: there is a queue, and the priest is still working. A call to the parish office usually gets you an unhurried half hour.
Say at the Start What You Came For
Guidance on a decision, a sacrament, help for someone else, or simply wanting to talk are different conversations. Naming it in the first minute removes most of the awkwardness.
Bring the Particular Situation
A priest can say something useful about your actual circumstances and only something general about a topic. The specifics are what make the difference.
Confidentiality and What to Expect
- The seal of confession is absolute and separate from an ordinary pastoral conversation. If it matters which you are in, ask at the start.
- A pastoral conversation has limits, particularly where someone is at risk. A priest will tell you what they are if you ask directly.
- A priest is not a therapist, and a careful one will say so and refer you on. Being referred is not being turned away.
- If you are in crisis, say that in the first minute rather than working up to it.
Common Pitfalls
Testing Rather Than Asking
Arriving with a debate about doctrine can make an interesting hour, but it is not the conversation that helps if you came for something else.
Asking for Permission Instead of Counsel
A question shaped to produce the answer you already want will usually produce it, and you will leave with nothing you did not bring.
Waiting for a Verdict on Yourself
Most pastoral conversations do not end in a judgment. If what you need is a clear answer about a rule, ask for the rule directly.
Saving the Real Question for the Last Two Minutes
It happens often. If you already know what the question is, ask it in the first ten minutes instead.
If You Are Asking for Someone Else
- Say clearly whether the person knows you are asking.
- Ask what the parish can actually provide: visits, communion at home, a funeral, practical help with meals or transport.
- Ask who to contact when this priest is away, and write the name down.