Questions to Ask a Catholic Priest
For parishioners, people new to the Church, and anyone considering a vocation. Twenty questions covering how to start attending, becoming Catholic, confession after a long gap, prayer and doubt, baptisms, weddings, annulments, illness and funerals, and what the parish actually needs.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What drew you to the priesthood, and how did you know?
Why ask it
Most priests are glad to be asked and rarely are. The answers are usually undramatic, involving one person or a slow realisation over years, which is worth hearing if you have grown up on conversion stories.
What does an ordinary weekday look like for you?
Why ask it
Useful practically as well as personally: you learn when he is likely to be free, and how many parishes and schools he is covering. It also explains why the answer to your later question may be an appointment rather than a conversation now.
I'm new here. What's the simplest way to start coming to Mass without feeling lost?
Why ask it
Priests hear this less often than they should and tend to answer with specifics: which Mass is quietest, where to sit, what a newcomer does at Communion. Asking removes the main reason people leave after one visit.
How would someone go about becoming Catholic, and how long does it usually take?
Why ask it
Most parishes run a process of instruction over months rather than weeks, often beginning in autumn and leading to the sacraments at Easter. Ask what happens if you are already baptised in another church, since that changes the route considerably.
I haven't been to confession in years. What do I actually do?
Why ask it
The practical worry is almost always about the words and the order, not the content. A priest will normally offer to walk you through it as you go, and knowing that in advance is what makes the first visit possible.
What do you suggest for someone who wants to pray more but has twenty minutes a day at most?
Why ask it
A time limit produces a concrete recommendation rather than encouragement. Expect something specific and small, and be wary of taking on a routine you cannot keep for a month.
What do you do when prayer feels like nothing at all?
Why ask it
This is well-travelled ground in Catholic spiritual writing, and a priest is unlikely to be alarmed by the question. What you learn is whether he treats dryness as a problem to fix or a normal stretch of the road.
How do you handle your own doubts?
Why ask it
Asked respectfully, this is an invitation rather than a challenge, and the answer tells you what kind of pastoral conversation you can have with him later. A reply that admits nothing suggests keeping harder subjects for someone else.
Which Church teaching do people most often misunderstand when they come to you about it?
Why ask it
Lets him choose the ground, which usually produces a more careful answer than naming a contested subject yourself. It also shows you where the parish's real questions are.
What do you say to someone who is angry at God after a death?
Why ask it
Whether you are asking for yourself or for someone else, the useful part is his tone rather than his theology. Anyone who reaches immediately for an explanation of suffering will be harder to talk to when you are the one grieving.
How do we go about having a child baptised, and what is expected of the parents and godparents?
Why ask it
Requirements vary between parishes and dioceses: preparation sessions, registration, and rules about who may stand as a godparent. Ask early, because the paperwork for a godparent living elsewhere can take weeks.
What's involved in getting married in the Church, and how far ahead should we come to you?
Why ask it
Many dioceses expect six months or more, along with preparation courses and documents including recent baptismal certificates. Ask what applies if one of you is not Catholic, or not baptised, since permission may be needed.
Someone in my family is divorced and remarried. What are their options?
Why ask it
There is a formal process for examining whether a first marriage was valid, run by a diocesan tribunal, and a parish priest is the normal starting point for it. Ask about timescales and cost, and about what the person can and cannot do in the meantime.
My relative is seriously ill. Can you visit, and how do I arrange it?
Why ask it
The sacrament for the sick is not reserved for the last hours, and many families wait far longer than they need to. Ask how to reach a priest out of hours, and whether the hospital has its own chaplain, before you are in a hurry.
What happens at a Catholic funeral, and what would the family need to decide?
Why ask it
Knowing the shape of it in advance, including the choices about readings, music, burial or cremation, and whether there is a Mass, removes a set of decisions from the worst week. Ask what the parish handles and what the funeral director does.
If I bring you something serious, how does confidentiality work?
Why ask it
The seal of confession and a conversation in an office are not the same thing in Church law or in civil law, and safeguarding obligations apply to parishes. Ask plainly which you are in, and he will tell you.
What does the parish need that nobody volunteers for?
Why ask it
Gets past the visible roles to what is actually short: lifts for the housebound, counting the collection, cleaning, someone to sit with the sacristy keys. The answer is usually immediate and specific.
Where does the parish's money go?
Why ask it
Parishes generally publish accounts, and a priest who is comfortable with the question will happily explain the split between the diocese, the building and the poor fund. It also tells you whether a repair everyone complains about is a matter of money or of permissions.
If someone thinks they might have a vocation, what's the first step?
Why ask it
The practical answer usually involves the diocesan vocations director and a period of ordinary conversation rather than an application. Ask what he would advise against doing first, which is often quitting a job or telling everyone.
What is the hardest part of this life, and what keeps you in it?
Why ask it
Ask this last, and only if the conversation has earned it. Loneliness, funerals and administration come up more often than doubt, and the second half of the question is what makes it a fair thing to ask.
How and when to ask
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Finding the right moment
- Not in the ten minutes before Mass. A priest is preparing then, and anything you say will be half heard.
- After Mass is fine for a short practical question or to arrange a longer conversation.
- For anything about a wedding, a baptism, an annulment or a death, ring the parish office and ask for an appointment. These need paperwork and time.
- For an urgent visit to someone very ill, say so plainly when you call, including which hospital or home. Parishes have an out-of-hours arrangement, and asking for it is not an imposition.
- If the parish has several priests or a deacon, ask who normally handles the thing you need. It is often not the parish priest.
What to expect from the answers
Practice varies by parish and diocese
Preparation requirements for baptisms and weddings, confession times, and who may be a godparent are set locally within Church law. An answer from another parish, or from the internet, may simply not apply where you are.
He may not answer immediately
Questions about annulment, or about a specific situation in a family, often need a look at documents or a call to the diocese. Being told he will find out is a better sign than a quick guess.
Confession is a different setting
If what you want is to talk something through at length, ask for a conversation rather than joining the queue on a Saturday afternoon, where time is short and other people are waiting.
A priest is not a therapist or a lawyer
For depression, addiction, debt or a legal problem, a good priest will listen and then point you to someone qualified. Take the referral rather than reading it as a refusal.
Small practicalities
Father followed by his first name is the usual form of address in most English-speaking parishes, and you will hear what the parish does within a minute of arriving. If you are visiting to arrange something, bring any documents you already have, such as baptismal or marriage certificates. Written questions are welcome by email in many parishes, and are often answered more fully than they would be at the church door.