Questions to Ask Non-Believers
These are questions to ask an unbeliever when you are a believer who wants a real conversation and not a debate, whether the person across the table is an atheist, an agnostic or someone who walked away from church. The 54 questions follow the order the talk usually takes: opening and getting permission, their story, life without faith, what they make of believers, questions to ask when witnessing, and how to part with the door still open.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Opening
Can I ask what you believe about God, even though we see it differently?
Why ask it
Naming the difference out loud is what makes the permission real, because they know who is asking and why. A yes to a question this plain is worth more than one coaxed out sideways, and a no saves you both an awkward half hour.
How would you describe yourself: atheist, agnostic, none of the above?
Why ask it
The label people choose is a statement about tone as much as belief. Plenty of people who believe in no god still decline the word atheist because it sounds like a position they have to defend, and knowing which word they are comfortable with sets the temperature for everything after.
Did you grow up with a religion, or with none at all?
Why ask it
This is the fork the whole conversation runs on. Someone who left a faith has a story and sometimes an injury attached to it, while someone raised with nothing finds religion foreign rather than painful. Ask it early, because every later question means something different depending on the answer.
Is belief something you think about much, or does it mostly come up when someone like me raises it?
Why ask it
Some unbelievers have read shelves of books on the subject and others have barely given it an afternoon. The indifferent answer is the one believers are least ready for, and it calls for shorter, lighter questions than the ones you rehearsed.
Has anyone ever talked with you about faith in a way you did not mind?
Why ask it
If they can name someone, ask what that person did, and expect it to be small: they asked first, they listened, they did not follow up with a leaflet. If nobody comes to mind, you have just been told how low the bar is and how seldom anyone clears it.
Would you rather have a proper debate, or just compare notes?
Why ask it
A few people love the sparring and feel patronised when you refuse to push back. Others have been argued at since they were teenagers and will leave the moment it starts. Let them pick the format, then hold yourself to it.
Their story
Was there a moment when you stopped believing, or was it slow?
Why ask it
People who say slow tend to describe a stack of small unanswered questions and no single argument. When someone does name a moment, listen for whether it was an idea or the way a person behaved, because evidence is no reply to having been treated badly.
What was church, or whatever your family practised, actually like for you as a child?
Why ask it
You are asking for the texture: the car ride, the boredom, the songs, the adult who was kind or frightening. Those memories usually explain more about where someone stands today than any doctrine they later rejected.
If religion was never part of your home, where did you first run into it?
Why ask it
For someone raised with none, the first meeting is often a school assembly, a friend's grace before dinner or a relative's funeral. That first impression tends to be the picture of faith they still carry, so find out whether it was warm, odd or hostile.
What question did you ask back then that nobody gave you a straight answer to?
Why ask it
People who left often remember one question being brushed off more clearly than they remember any answer. Resist solving it on the spot. Asking how it felt to be waved away will tell you more, and the answer you owe them can wait until you have thought about it properly.
Was there someone who made it harder to stay, or someone who made it harder to leave?
Why ask it
Both kinds of people are usually in the story, and the second kind is the one to ask more about. A grandmother or youth leader they still respect is often why the subject is not closed for them entirely.
Who was the first person you told, and how did they take it?
Why ask it
The first telling sets the pattern for how safe the subject feels afterwards. If it went badly, you are talking to someone who learned to keep this quiet, and the fact that they are answering you at all is a form of trust.
Did anyone try to talk you back into it, and what did they try?
Why ask it
Here you find out which approaches are already spent: the book, the guilt, the pastor's visit, the worried letter. Whatever they list, do not be the next person to try it.
Where do things stand with your family about it now?
Why ask it
A truce, a subject nobody mentions and a fight at every holiday are all ordinary places for a family to be. If it is still raw, your questions are landing on a live argument and not a finished one, so go gently around parents in particular.
Is there anything about belonging to a faith that you miss?
Why ask it
The answer separates loss of belief from loss of belonging. Music, a set rhythm to the week, and knowing everyone in a room come up far more than doctrine, which usually means the argument you want to have is not the one that matters to them.
Was there ever a time you wanted to believe and could not?
Why ask it
For some people unbelief was never a decision. It was something that failed to arrive however hard they tried, at a camp, at a bedside, in a confirmation class. They are describing a loss, so do not treat it as an opening, and never suggest they did not try properly.
Life without faith
Do you have a group that does for you what a congregation does, people who notice when you are missing?
Why ask it
Ask this as a real logistics question, not as a trap about whether community requires God. Some people have a clear answer, a team or a choir or a neighbourhood, and some go quiet, and that silence is a genuine thing to talk about rather than a point to score.
When things have fallen apart for you, what held you up?
Why ask it
Believers tend to assume the answer is nothing, and it rarely is. Expect a sister, a routine, a therapist, stubbornness, a dog. Hearing the real list corrects the idea that a life without God has no floor under it.
What gives you a sense of awe, and what do you do with it?
Why ask it
Non-believers usually have a vivid and specific answer to this one: a telescope, a coastline, a piece of music, deep time. It is one of the few places where two people from opposite positions can describe the same experience and disagree only about the cause.
Is there anything in your life you would call spiritual, or does that word not fit?
Why ask it
Not believing in God and having no sense of anything beyond the everyday are separate things, and people land on every combination of the two. Someone who meditates or feels a dead parent close by will say so if the word is offered with no hook in it. If the word irritates them, drop it and borrow theirs.
When you are frightened or grateful and there is nobody to address it to, what do you do with the feeling?
Why ask it
This is the nearest thing to asking about prayer without using the word. Some people write it down, some tell a friend, some say thank you to nobody in particular and feel slightly foolish, and that last answer is a good one to stay with for a minute.
How do you work out what is right when doing it will cost you something?
Why ask it
Ask about an actual decision they made, not about the theory. Framed as theory it is heard as the old accusation that a person without God has no reason to be good, and the conversation ends there. Framed as a story it gets you their real reasoning.
What makes a week feel well spent to you?
Why ask it
Meaning in the abstract gets a lecture or a shrug, and one particular week gets an actual list. Work that mattered, a child's bedtime, a long run: whatever they name is what they are living for, stated without any philosophy.
If you have children, what do you tell them about all of this?
Why ask it
Parents often have not settled this even with each other. The interesting part is what they do about grandparents, holidays, and school, because that is where an abstract position becomes a weekly negotiation.
How do you spend the religious holidays your family keeps?
Why ask it
Christmas, Easter, Eid or Passover is when an unbeliever in a believing family has to decide what to join in with. Some love the meal and the songs and skip the service, and knowing where this person draws the line stops you from guessing wrong when you invite them to something.
What do you do at funerals?
Why ask it
Ritual outlives belief, and this is where people notice the gap most sharply. Ask what they say to a grieving person and what they wish someone would say to them, since the standard sentences all assume a shared afterlife.
What do you think happens when you die, and how often do you think about it?
Why ask it
The frequency matters more than the content. Someone who says nothing happens and thinks about it weekly is in a different place from someone who says the same thing and never thinks about it, and only the first person wants to keep talking about it.
Faith and believers
What do believers most often get wrong about people who do not believe?
Why ask it
The list tends to be short: that they are angry at God, that they have no morals, that they are secretly miserable, that they simply have not heard the message yet. Check yourself against it while they talk, because it is easy to arrive carrying one of those without noticing.
What version of my religion do you find most reasonable, and which version is hardest to take?
Why ask it
Asking for both halves stops the conversation from becoming a fight about the worst example either of you can think of. It also tells you whether they have met your actual tradition or only the loudest public version of it.
What do you think people like me get out of believing?
Why ask it
Their theory of you is in this answer: comfort, habit, community, fear of death, or a sincere conviction they simply do not share. If the theory is unflattering, hear it out before correcting it, because it was probably built from believers they actually met.
What have believers done that pushed you furthest away?
Why ask it
Hypocrisy, pressure and politics tend to come up before any argument about evidence. Listen without defending the people involved. An apology on behalf of strangers is cheap, but admitting that it would have put you off too is honest and costs little.
Is there something religious people do that you admire?
Why ask it
Room to be generous without conceding anything lowers the defences on both sides. Common answers involve showing up for the sick, funerals done well, and organised help that does not depend on anyone feeling inspired.
When someone says they will pray for you, what actually goes through your head?
Why ask it
The honest answers run from genuinely touched to quietly annoyed, and the difference usually depends on whether the phrase felt like care or like a verdict. Worth knowing before you say it to this particular person.
When you picture the God you do not believe in, what is he like?
Why ask it
Quite often the God being rejected is one you would not recognise either: a scorekeeper, an angry father, a slot machine for wishes. Find that out before you defend anything, since saying that you do not believe in that God either is a truer start than an argument.
What is the objection you would lead with, if you had to pick one?
Why ask it
Suffering, the silence of God, the behaviour of the church and the sheer number of religions are the usual candidates. Picking one keeps the talk from scattering, and their choice shows which objection is personal and which ones are only ammunition.
Has any argument for God ever come close to landing?
Why ask it
A few people name the fine-tuning of the universe or the puzzle of why anything exists at all. Others say no argument ever has, but a person or an experience once did, which is a more useful answer than any syllogism and a better thing to follow up on.
Do you think I am being irrational, or just mistaken?
Why ask it
There is a large difference between thinking a person has reached a wrong conclusion and thinking they are incapable of reasoning. Asking directly forces a distinction most people never spell out, and the answer sets the ceiling on how far this conversation can go.
What would actually change your mind?
Why ask it
Be ready to answer it about your own position immediately afterwards, because you will be asked. If neither of you can name anything at all, you are not having a debate, you are taking turns performing one.
When witnessing
Have you ever been witnessed to, and what was it like from your side?
Why ask it
Use whichever word they would use: witnessed to, evangelised, preached at. Stories about a stranger at the door or a tract left in place of a tip are common, and listening to one without flinching is the best evidence that you are not about to repeat it.
If you had to sum up what my faith teaches in one sentence, what would you say?
Why ask it
What comes back is the message as it was actually received, which for Christianity is often be good and you go to heaven, or believe this or else. Do not correct it mid-sentence. You now know exactly what you would be adding to, or untangling, if they let you go on.
What do you make of Jesus himself, apart from the church?
Why ask it
For a Christian, everything else in the conversation is circling this. Separating the man from the institution lets people who are angry at a church say something generous or curious about him. A believer of another tradition can ask the same about its founder or its scripture.
Have you ever read one of the Gospels straight through as an adult?
Why ask it
Plenty of people who left church heard the Bible only in short readings chosen by someone else. The question is low pressure as long as no is an acceptable answer, and an offer to read Mark together, the shortest of the four, is easier to accept than an invitation to a service.
May I tell you why I believe, in about two minutes?
Why ask it
The time limit is the point. It tells them no sermon is coming, and it forces you to give the true reason and not the impressive one. Keep to the two minutes even if it is going well.
Now that you have heard my reasons, which part sounded weakest to you?
Why ask it
A request for the weak spot shows you were explaining and not closing a sale. Take the answer without rebutting it straight away. People remember that you could hear a criticism of your faith long after they forget the reasons themselves.
Is what stands between you and faith mostly an argument, an experience, or simply no interest?
Why ask it
Each one needs a different kind of conversation. An argument can be discussed, an experience has to be heard, and a lack of interest cannot be argued with at all. Witnessing tends to go wrong when someone answers the first while the person is living in the second.
If what I believe turned out to be true, would that be good news or bad news for you?
Why ask it
Some people would be relieved and some would be appalled, and the appalled answers are instructive. If the news sounds bad, ask which part, because it is frequently hell, judgment or a rule about how they live, and none of that surfaces in a debate about evidence.
Have you ever prayed as an adult, even once and even as an experiment?
Why ask it
More unbelievers have than you might guess, in a hospital corridor or on a bad night, and they can feel sheepish about it. Treat it as a confidence and not as a sign of anything. Announcing that it shows they believe deep down is the quickest way to make them regret telling you.
Would you ever come along to a service with me, purely to see what goes on?
Why ask it
Say exactly what will happen: how long it lasts, whether anyone will single them out, whether they can sit at the back and leave early. A clear no is a fine outcome. Ask once, and let them be the one to raise it again.
Is there something specific I could pray for, or would you rather I did not?
Why ask it
Offering both options is what separates this from announcing that you will pray for them. People who believe nothing will sometimes still name a sick parent or a job interview, because being thought of is welcome whatever its mechanism. If they would rather not, drop the subject for good.
Before you part
Is there something about my faith you have wanted to ask and did not?
Why ask it
Most people have held one back out of politeness, and it is often practical rather than philosophical: how you handle a rule you disagree with, whether you believe the parts you never mention. Flipping the direction is also the fastest way to prove this was not an ambush.
Did anything I said today come across as pressure?
Why ask it
You will not always be able to tell from inside the conversation, and they will rarely volunteer it. Asking gives them a way to say the part about hell stung, or the invitation felt like a test, while it can still be put right.
Is there a book, a talk or a writer you would want me to try, so I understand your side better?
Why ask it
Accepting homework from them evens the ledger, especially if you have just handed over a Gospel. Then do it, and say what you thought next time. Agreeing and never reading it is worse than declining.
Are we all right, you and I, if neither of us ever changes our mind?
Why ask it
Underneath a conversation like this, the unbeliever is often wondering whether the friendship is conditional. If your honest answer is yes, say it in so many words. Should you find that it is not, you have learned something about your own motives that needs attention before you witness to anyone else.
What would make it worth having this conversation again?
Why ask it
It closes the evening on terms and not on a conclusion. Answers like do not bring literature, or ask about my life and not just my views, are the actual requirements for a second conversation, and they cost nothing to agree to.
Talking about belief without it becoming a debate
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you start
Decide which conversation you are having
Curiosity and persuasion are different activities and people can tell within two questions which one they are in. If the plan is to persuade, say so plainly at the start. Being asked questions that turn out to be a route to a conclusion is what makes people stop answering.
Expect to be the first believer they have talked to properly
Plenty of non-believers have argued about this online for years and seldom had a calm conversation about it face to face. The novelty cuts both ways: they may be braced for a fight that is not coming, and the first few minutes are mostly spent proving it is not.
Ask about their life before you ask about their reasoning
Questions about upbringing, community, and funerals get real answers. Questions about the origin of the universe get positions that were formed elsewhere and are recited rather than thought through in the room.
Traps on both sides
- Asking what stops you from doing whatever you want. It is heard as an accusation that they have no conscience, and few sentences end the discussion faster.
- Treating agnostic as a softer word for undecided. For many people it is a specific claim about what can be known, not a failure to pick a side.
- Quoting a verse to someone who does not accept the source. It reads as ending the conversation rather than continuing it.
- The mirror image, arguing against a version of faith the person in front of you does not hold. Ask what they believe before you argue with it.
- Making the whole conversation about the existence of God. The disagreements that actually touch daily life are more often about authority, money, marriage and how children are raised.
If you are witnessing
- Ask before you tell. The group called When witnessing opens with their experience of being witnessed to, because that answer shows you what not to repeat.
- Keep your own story to a couple of minutes and stop. A testimony that ends with a question hands the conversation back, and one that ends with an appeal takes it away.
- Answer the objection they raised, not the one you prepared for. If you have no answer, say you will think about it, and then come back with one.
- Take the first no as a no. An invitation to a service or an offer to pray that is turned down and dropped can be made again next year. One that is pushed cannot.
- Do not measure the talk by whether anything was decided. An unbeliever who would gladly talk to you again is the outcome you can actually bring about.
If this is your own family
- Pick a time that is not a holiday, a hospital, or a funeral. Those settings load every question with a deadline.
- Ask what they want said at their own funeral once, early, while it is theoretical. It is a kindness later and it is a difficult conversation to start in a hurry.
- Agree on what happens at shared meals and services before the next one arrives. Standing up, sitting down, and saying nothing is a workable arrangement if both sides know it in advance.
- If there are grandchildren, settle who says what to them directly rather than through hints. This is the argument that quietly does the most damage.
- Let them finish. In families the interruption is usually the injury, not the disagreement.