Questions to Ask a Buddhist
Questions to ask a Buddhist friend, teacher or monk, written for a curious outsider, a student with a world religions assignment or someone thinking about trying the practice. The list runs the way a good conversation does: easy openers, what they do day to day, how their tradition is organized, the teachings on karma, rebirth and the self, how it shows up in ordinary life, and a few closers. The notes say which answers to expect, which follow-up is worth asking and where to tread lightly.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
Is Buddhism something you were born into, or something you found later?
Why ask it
Someone raised in it tends to talk about grandparents, festivals and a temple that was simply part of home. Someone who came to it later usually has a book, a retreat or a hard year to tell you about. Once you know which, drop the questions that do not fit: nobody raised in a temple has a conversion story.
What does being Buddhist look like in an ordinary day for you?
Why ask it
For a class assignment, lead with this one, because it gets you what a person does before what a textbook says they believe. The answer might be an hour of sitting before work, incense at a home altar, or simply how they try to speak to people. Write down whichever you get without ranking it against the others.
Which school or tradition of Buddhism do you practice in, and why that one?
Why ask it
Theravada, Zen, Pure Land, Tibetan and Nichiren Buddhism differ from one another at least as much as Christian denominations do. Family or the nearest center is the honest reason for many people. Write the name down, because much of what they tell you afterward belongs to that school and not to all Buddhists.
Is Buddhism a religion to you, or a philosophy, or something else?
Why ask it
Buddhists themselves split on this. A person raised with temples, monks and festivals often says religion without a pause, and one who arrived through meditation may resist the word. Ask what the label they chose leaves out.
Which idea about Buddhism do you end up correcting most often?
Why ask it
Common answers: that every Buddhist meditates, that the Buddha is a god people pray to, that the goal is to feel nothing. If the one they name was on your own list, ask it anyway, and begin by saying you have heard it is a misreading.
What has practicing given you that you would not want to lose?
Why ask it
A warmer way in than asking why they believe. People seldom claim much: a little more room before reacting, a community, a way to sit with a dying parent. When the answer comes fast, stay on it for a while before you move to the next question.
Who did you learn the practice from?
Why ask it
Buddhism is mostly handed from person to person, so there is usually a name: a grandmother, a monk, an author, a friend who dragged them to a sitting group. Ask what that person was like before you ask what they taught.
Practice
Do you meditate, and what does a session look like when you do?
Why ask it
Not every Buddhist does. In many Buddhist families the practice is chanting, offerings and giving, and sitting meditation is something monks do. From someone who does sit, get the plain details: how long, how often, and what they are doing with their attention.
What goes on in your head when you sit, on a good day and on a bad one?
Why ask it
This gets behind the serene picture. Believable answers include a sore knee, a grocery list and falling half asleep. If you hear only peace and stillness, ask what they do on the mornings the mind will not settle.
Do you chant or recite anything, and do you understand the words as you say them?
Why ask it
Chanting is the center of practice in a number of traditions, in Pali, Tibetan, Japanese, Chinese or the local language. Plenty of people learned the sound long before the meaning, and say so cheerfully. If they will chant a line for you, that is worth more than the translation.
Do you keep an altar or shrine at home, and what is on it?
Why ask it
Easy to answer because it is a list of objects: a statue, a teacher's photograph, pictures of relatives who have died, water, flowers, incense. Follow with what one of the offerings is for. The explanation of a bowl of water is often the clearest teaching you will hear all day.
When you bow to a statue of the Buddha, what are you doing?
Why ask it
Outsiders tend to see idol worship. You are likely to hear respect for a teacher, gratitude, or a reminder of what a person can become, and some people will also describe devotion and asking for help. All of those are Buddhist answers, so do not sort them into right and wrong.
What are the five precepts, and which one do you find hardest to keep?
Why ask it
The five that lay people commonly take cover killing, stealing, sexual misconduct, false speech and intoxicants. Which one is hardest gets the better answer, and speech is a common confession. Listen for whether they describe them as rules handed down or as training they took on.
Are you vegetarian, and does your tradition ask it of you?
Why ask it
There is no single Buddhist rule. Some schools expect it, many leave it to the person, and in some places monks and nuns eat whatever is offered to them. Find out before you cook for them, and check onions and garlic as well, since some temple kitchens leave those out too.
Have you been on a retreat, and which day of it was the hardest?
Why ask it
Retreats run from a single day to several months or longer, often in silence. People seldom name the silence as the hard part: it is the knees, the boredom, or whatever surfaced on the third day. If you are thinking of going on one, ask what they would pack, or leave at home, next time.
How do you practice on a day when there is no time for it?
Why ask it
You find out what they treat as the minimum: three breaths at a red light, a verse before eating, a moment at the altar on the way out. For someone exploring, that minimum is the part of the practice that would fit into a normal week.
What part does giving play in your practice?
Why ask it
In much of the Buddhist world generosity comes first, well before meditation: food for the monastery, time at the temple, money for a ceremony. The last thing they gave, and who received it, makes a better question than what generosity means.
Which festival or holy day matters most in your house?
Why ask it
The name and the date change with the country and the school: Vesak, a lunar new year, Obon, a full moon day. Get the name spelled and ask when it falls this year. After that, ask who comes and what is cooked, and you have a family story instead of a calendar entry.
Tradition
How does your tradition differ from other kinds of Buddhism?
Why ask it
A good answer names a difference in practice or emphasis and stays generous about the rest. Be a little careful with an answer that says only one group has the real teaching. Asking what they admire in another school is a fair test.
How does a person become a Buddhist: is there a ceremony, or do you simply start?
Why ask it
Many traditions have a formal step called taking refuge in the Buddha, the teaching and the community, sometimes with vows and a new name from a teacher. Plenty of people raised in it never had such a moment. If they did, ask what they remember of the day and whether anything felt different the morning after.
Can someone practice Buddhism and keep another religion, or none?
Why ask it
Teachers differ on this. Some are happy for a Christian or a Jew to meditate and leave it there, and others hold that taking refuge is a commitment that does not sit beside another one. Whatever they say is the view of their own community, and for someone exploring it shows how much would be asked of them.
Do you have a teacher, and what does that relationship involve?
Why ask it
Some traditions put a teacher at the center, and in others a person can practice for decades with a group and a shelf of books. For someone exploring, the reassuring signs are a teacher who can be questioned and students who are free to leave. Anything that sounds like the opposite deserves a second question.
What is your temple or center like on an ordinary week?
Why ask it
Some temples are the heart of an immigrant community, with language classes, shared lunches and services for ancestors. Other groups are a dozen people in a rented room sitting in silence. A visit to one is nothing like a visit to the other, so get the picture before you ask to come along.
What do monks and nuns do in your tradition, and what do lay people do for them?
Why ask it
In many places lay people supply food and necessities while monastics teach, chant and perform ceremonies. Other traditions have married priests or lay teachers. Do not assume the robes and alms bowl from a documentary: ask how it works in their community.
What do women do in your tradition, and can a woman be fully ordained in it?
Why ask it
This changes with the school and the country. Some lineages ordain nuns fully, in others the full order of nuns died out or never took root and reviving it is still argued over, and women teach or lead in many groups whatever the rule says. Ask who leads their own community first, and take the larger debate only as far as they want to go.
What made you decide to ordain, and what does a day in the monastery look like?
Why ask it
For a monk or nun only. The daily schedule is the easier half, so begin there: when they get up, when they eat, how many hours pass in silence. Rules about food, money and contact with family differ by order and by monastery, so ask what applies where they live.
Which texts do you read or study, and where would a beginner start?
Why ask it
There is no single book that works like a Bible. The collections are enormous and each school leans on different parts. The useful answer is one short text or even one verse. A person who says they hardly read the scriptures is describing something common, not admitting a fault.
Teachings
Who was the Buddha, as you understand him?
Why ask it
Expect to hear about a human being who woke up to how things are, and not a creator or a god. Some traditions also speak of many Buddhas, or of the Buddha as more than a man who lived in ancient India. Whether they think of him as someone to follow or someone to call on is the follow-up.
How would you explain the Four Noble Truths in your own words?
Why ask it
A world religions assignment will want this one. Notice the word they use for the first truth: suffering makes the teaching sound gloomy, and many people prefer dissatisfaction or stress. An example from their own week will make it stick.
What does letting go of attachment mean when you love your family?
Why ask it
This is the objection most newcomers carry. A thoughtful answer separates love from clinging, usually with something from home: a child leaving, a parent growing old. If what you hear sounds like not caring, ask again, because that is rarely what they mean.
What do you believe about rebirth?
Why ask it
Answers run from a literal belief in many lives, through honest uncertainty, to reading it as the way a person changes from moment to moment. Do not push for certainty. "I am not sure, and I practice anyway" is a complete answer.
If there is no permanent self, what is it that gets reborn?
Why ask it
Buddhists have been putting this question to each other for a very long time, so it is no insult. You will probably get an image, such as a flame passed from one candle to the next. Save it for a teacher or a keen student, because a casual practitioner may hear a quiz.
How do you understand karma, and what is it not?
Why ask it
In everyday speech karma means cosmic payback. Most Buddhists will describe intentional action and its results, closer to habit and consequence than to reward and punishment. The worrying version is karma used to explain away another person's misfortune, so ask how they think about that.
Do Buddhists believe in God or gods, and do you pray?
Why ask it
The teaching has no creator God, yet many traditions include heavenly beings and bodhisattvas, and many people do pray, to Amida, Guanyin or Tara among others. Find out who or what they are addressing when they pray. An answer that does not fit a tidy system is normal.
What is nirvana or awakening to you, and is it something you expect to reach?
Why ask it
Modesty is the norm: most people describe a direction and not a plan. Some hope for rebirth in a Pure Land, and some speak of the bodhisattva's vow to stay and help others. Treat a claim to have arrived with care, since in most communities that is not something people say about themselves.
Which teaching do you come back to most often?
Why ask it
They get to choose: impermanence, the Eightfold Path, a line their teacher repeats. For an assignment, have them spell the term and say where it comes from. What you learn is what sits at the center for this person, which may not be what a textbook puts first.
Who do you find it hardest to feel compassion for, and how do you work on that?
Why ask it
Many traditions train compassion on purpose, with practices that begin with oneself and work outward to difficult people. A story about an in-law or a boss beats a definition. Skip it if they have just told you about a painful falling-out.
What does your tradition do when someone dies, and how do you think about death yourself?
Why ask it
Buddhist teaching talks about death more openly than most polite conversation does. Funeral customs follow culture as much as doctrine: chanting, memorial days, merit offered for the person who died. Leave it out if they have lost someone recently, unless they bring it up themselves.
Is there a teaching you struggle with or are not sure you accept?
Why ask it
Doubt is fairly easy to voice here, since the Buddha is often quoted as telling people to test what they hear. Rebirth and the standing of nuns are answers that come up. Someone who says nothing troubles them may just be being polite to a guest, and you can leave it there.
Daily life
How has practice changed the way you handle anger or a bad day?
Why ask it
Push for a recent, specific time. The credible answers are small: a pause before answering an email, noticing the heat rise and saying nothing. An account that still includes losing their temper is more convincing than one that does not.
What would the people you live with say has changed about you?
Why ask it
It swaps self-report for a witness, and it usually gets a laugh before it gets an answer. Then ask what that same person would say has not changed at all, which is often the funnier half and the more truthful one.
How does your practice sit with your job, money and ambition?
Why ask it
Right livelihood is part of the path, and people draw their lines in different places about acceptable work and how much wanting is too much. Listen for a decision it touched, such as a job turned down or a purchase put off. Without one, the answer is still theory.
What does your family make of your practice?
Why ask it
A convert may have a parent of another faith who worried, and somebody raised Buddhist may have a grandmother who thinks the young meditate and skip the temple. Go lightly if you sense strain. A short answer here means the subject is closed.
What happens to a spider in your bathtub, or ants in your kitchen?
Why ask it
The first precept as it meets real life. Replies run from a cup and a postcard to calling the exterminator and feeling bad about it. It shows the precepts being worked out case by case, and a younger student can ask it without sounding rude.
What do you make of mindfulness being taught in apps, schools and offices without the Buddhism?
Why ask it
Opinion divides. Some are glad it helps anyone at all, and others think it has been cut loose from the ethics it came with. A Buddha head sold as garden decor is a good second question, and between the two you learn what they hold sacred and what merely irritates them.
Have you ever felt out of place as a Buddhist, at work, at school or at a temple?
Why ask it
Where they live decides a great deal, so let them set the scene. Two answers that surprise people: the convert who feels like a guest at a temple built by an immigrant community, and the person raised Buddhist who does not recognize what is taught at a meditation center.
Closers
If I wanted to try this for a week, what one thing would you have me do?
Why ask it
For a reader who is exploring and not only curious. The useful answer is modest: ten minutes of sitting each morning, or one precept kept with care. If the answer starts with a fee or a long commitment, ask what a first visit costs and what is expected after it.
Is there one book, talk or teacher you would point a beginner to?
Why ask it
A single title is easier to follow up than a list. Note which tradition it comes from so you know whose Buddhism you are reading, and whether it was written for beginners or for people already inside. Bring a question from the first chapter the next time you meet.
Could I visit your temple or sit in with your group, and what should I know before I come?
Why ask it
Many temples and centers welcome visitors, and a member who brings you will usually show you what to do. Shoes, clothing, where to sit, how to greet a monk or nun, photographs and offerings all vary from one temple to the next, so ask about each of them and set aside what you read about a different one.
If we swapped seats, what would you ask me?
Why ask it
Up to now the questions have all gone one way. What they choose to ask shows what puzzles a Buddhist about the way you live or believe, and it is rarely what you expected. Answer as plainly as they did.
What is at the center of this for you that my questions missed?
Why ask it
Your list came from a textbook or a search, and theirs comes from years of practice. Whatever they add here is often the best line in a student's paper, so keep the notebook open until they have finished.
Asking a Buddhist about their practice
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Say why you are asking
Curiosity, a class assignment and thinking about practicing yourself lead to three different conversations. Tell them which it is at the start. For an assignment, say how long you need, whether you will take notes and who will read the result.
Whose Buddhism you are hearing
The traditions differ widely, and so do countries, families and generations within one tradition. Record each answer as this person's practice in this school, and be slow to write a sentence that begins with the words all Buddhists.
Raised in it or came to it
Someone raised Buddhist may know the festivals, the chanting and the family duties far better than the philosophy, and someone who found it as an adult may be the reverse. Neither is the more real Buddhist. Aim your questions at what this particular person does.
A few words to have ready
The dharma is the teaching, the sangha is the community, and a sutra or sutta is a text. People bow to the Buddha or pay respect to him, and many would not call that worship. Titles for monks, nuns and teachers change with the tradition and the language, so ask how to address someone before you meet them.
Friend, teacher or temple visit
With a friend or coworker
Pick five or six questions and let the talk wander. The Daily life group suits a friend best, because you already know the life it is about. Offer something of your own in return so that it does not turn into an interview.
With a monk, nun or teacher
Ask whoever arranged the meeting about customs first: how to greet them, where to sit, whether a handshake is welcome, whether an offering is expected. These differ from one temple to another. A teacher will enjoy the Teachings questions, and their time is usually short, so decide on your three most important ones beforehand.
On a temple visit
Arrive early, follow what the people around you do, and keep your questions for after the service or the sitting. If nobody has been assigned to visitors, the person who greets you at the door will usually know who likes to talk.
If you are thinking of practicing
Add the practical questions a visitor would not need: what a first session involves, what it costs if anything, how the group is run and who the teacher answers to. A healthy group answers those easily.
Choosing from the list
The order
The groups follow the way a conversation tends to go. Openers and Practice are safe with anyone, and the opener about their school tells you where to file everything you hear afterward. Tradition is about how their community is organized, Teachings asks the most of the person answering, and Daily life is where the stories are. Save a Closer for the end: two of them hand the questioning over to the other person.
If you only have fifteen minutes
Eight will carry a short interview: whether they were born into it, what an ordinary day of practice looks like, which school they belong to, whether they meditate, how they understand karma, what they believe about rebirth, how practice has changed a bad day, and what your questions missed.
The follow-up to keep in your pocket
Whenever an answer stays abstract, ask when it last came up. Impermanence becomes a story about a canceled trip, and compassion becomes a story about a difficult neighbor. Those are the lines worth writing down.
Five ways it goes wrong
Expecting a calm person on display
Remarks like "I thought Buddhists never got stressed" turn a friend into an exhibit. People take up the practice because they get angry and anxious like everyone else.
Borrowing from pop culture
The laughing, round-bellied figure seen in restaurants is Budai, a monk from Chinese folklore, and not the Buddha who taught in India. The Dalai Lama is a leader within Tibetan Buddhism and not a pope for every Buddhist. Zen as a word for tidy or relaxed, and jokes about karma, wear thin quickly.
Translating everything into your own religion
Asking who the Buddhist God is, which book is their Bible or where their heaven is forces the answers into a shape that does not fit. Ask what they do and believe first, and make the comparisons afterward, on your own.
Turning it into a quiz or a debate
Most lay Buddhists are not scholars, and being unable to list the Eightfold Path says nothing about how seriously someone practices. If you disagree about rebirth or the self, say so once and go on listening.
Asking them to answer for the news
A Buddhist in your town is not responsible for violence or politics in a Buddhist-majority country. If it matters to your assignment, ask what they make of it and accept a short reply.