Questions to Ask a Jewish Person
Questions to ask a Jewish person when you are a friend, colleague, classmate or partner who would sooner ask than guess. They run from easy openers through Shabbat and the holidays, food, practice and belief, and family and identity, to the harder topics and a few ways to close. The notes say what answers sound like from a secular home to an Orthodox one, and how to keep one person from having to speak for all Jews.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
How would you describe your own way of being Jewish: secular, cultural, Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, or none of those?
Why ask it
Start here: it tells you whether to ask about a kitchen with two sets of dishes or a family that gathers twice a year. Many people answer with a sentence in place of a label, such as Friday night dinner and not much else, and the sentence is the useful part. If they do name a movement, ask what it means where they live, because the same word covers different things in different countries.
What did being Jewish look like in the house you grew up in?
Why ask it
You get a kitchen, a calendar and a grandparent in place of a definition. If the answer is that it was barely mentioned, that is a real answer too, and the follow-up is when it started to matter to them.
When you say you are Jewish, do you mostly mean a religion, a family, a culture or a people?
Why ask it
People from a Christian background tend to hear Jewish as a set of beliefs, and this corrects that early. A common reply is all of them in different amounts. Someone who says they are Jewish and not religious is describing something ordinary, so do not treat it as a puzzle to solve.
What do you enjoy most about being Jewish?
Why ask it
Most of what Jewish people get asked by outsiders is about rules or about persecution, and this is about neither. Answers tend to be a table: a particular soup, an argument that has run for twenty years, a tune everyone sings off-key. Ask them to describe the last time.
What do people tend to assume about you once they find out you are Jewish?
Why ask it
They get to say it before you do it. The usual ones are that they must be religious, that they know every other Jewish person in town, or that they hold a particular view on Israel. If one of yours is on the list, own up and laugh, which clears the air faster than pretending.
Should I say Jew, Jewish person or something else, and are there words you would rather I skipped?
Why ask it
Many Jewish people call themselves Jews without a second thought, while some non-Jews hesitate because they have heard the word thrown as an insult. Ask, then follow their lead, and take the same approach to synagogue, shul and temple: say whichever one they say.
How often does being Jewish come up in an ordinary week for you?
Why ask it
For one person it is three daily prayers and a packed lunch, and for another it is a text from their mother about the holidays. The answer sets the scale for the whole conversation, and it stops you asking a secular friend twenty questions about ritual.
Shabbat and holidays
Do you do anything for Shabbat, and what does a Friday night look like at your place?
Why ask it
Shabbat begins at sundown on Friday and ends after dark on Saturday. One household lights candles and sits down to a family dinner, another spends the whole day without a phone, a car or work, and plenty do nothing at all. Worth knowing before you text them on a Saturday morning or book Friday night tickets.
If you had me over for Shabbat dinner, what should I know before I arrive?
Why ask it
Ask what to bring before you buy anything. In a home that keeps kosher, a bottle of wine or a dessert without the right certification cannot go on the table, and the host would much rather tell you than quietly set it aside. Check too whether phones stay in pockets, and expect a blessing or two before anyone starts eating.
Which holiday matters most to you, and which one do non-Jews think is the big one?
Why ask it
Hanukkah looks large mostly because of the month it falls in. On the religious calendar it is one of the smaller festivals, and many people will name Passover or the High Holidays instead. The distance between the two halves of the answer is the thing to take away.
What are Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur like for you?
Why ask it
The Jewish new year and the Day of Atonement fall within about ten days of each other in September or October, and people who do little else all year often show up for them. Yom Kippur involves a fast of about twenty-five hours for those who keep it, so ask whether they fast and what the meal afterward is like.
What happens at your family's Passover seder?
Why ask it
A seder is a dinner with a script: the Exodus story retold, symbolic foods, four cups of wine or grape juice and a good deal of singing. Some families take four hours and some reach the soup in twenty minutes. Ask who leads it and who argues with whom.
Which days do you take off work or school, and how does asking for them go?
Why ask it
Jewish holidays begin at sundown the evening before and land on different civil dates each year, so nobody around them remembers. Whether the time comes out of vacation depends on the employer, the school and the country, so ask how it works where they are. A colleague who hears a weary answer can keep the big meeting off those days.
What do I say to you on a holiday, and is there one where happy is the wrong word?
Why ask it
Chag sameach works for the festivals and shana tova at the new year, but Yom Kippur is solemn and people wish each other an easy or meaningful fast. Getting the phrase from them means you get the one their own family says, pronunciation included.
What is December like for you, and what do you actually do for Hanukkah?
Why ask it
The first half covers the office tree, the carols and being the family that does something else on the 25th. The second usually gets a modest answer: candles for eight nights, something fried, perhaps small gifts for the children. Some people enjoy the season as a guest and some find a month of being the exception wearing, and either way you learn what to write in the card.
Is there a holiday food you wait all year for?
Why ask it
You may hear latkes, matzah ball soup or hamantaschen, or a dish from a Moroccan, Persian or Iraqi kitchen that you have never come across. Ask who makes it and whether the recipe is written down anywhere. The dish often says where the family came from before they do.
Food, practice and belief
Do you keep kosher, and what does that mean in your own kitchen?
Why ask it
Answers go from not at all, through no pork or shellfish, to separate dishes for meat and dairy and nothing without a certification mark. Plenty of people keep one standard at home and another when they are out. Take their version as the answer and leave the rules you read online out of it.
When we eat together, what makes it easy for you?
Why ask it
Ask this before you book anywhere. You might hear a vegetarian place, a certified restaurant, anywhere at all, or that they will bring their own, and during the week of Passover even people who ignore the food rules all year often give up bread. Go along with it without commentary, and never say just try a bite.
Do you go to synagogue, and what gets you there when you do?
Why ask it
The honest range is weekly, twice a year, only for a cousin's bar mitzvah, or never. People go to pray, to see friends, or to say a prayer for a parent who died, and the reason is more interesting than the frequency. Seldom going does not make someone less Jewish, so do not react as though it does.
Do you pray, and what does that look like for you?
Why ask it
For an observant person it can mean set Hebrew prayers three times a day, and for many others a blessing over candles or nothing at all. If they do, ask whether they understand the Hebrew as they say it. If they do not, avoid sounding surprised.
Is there anything you wear, or keep on your door or shelf, because you are Jewish?
Why ask it
Most of these objects have a giver attached, so ask where it came from: the mezuzah on the doorpost, the Star of David on a chain, the candlesticks that were a grandmother's. In some Orthodox communities dress is a much larger subject, and a short answer there is a cue to move on.
Do you read or speak Hebrew, and is there Yiddish, Ladino or another language in your family?
Why ask it
Many people learned to sound out prayer book Hebrew as children and cannot order a coffee in it. The family language is the better thread: Yiddish, Ladino, Judeo-Arabic, Russian or Farsi each point to a different map. Ask for one word that still gets said at home.
Did you have a bar or bat mitzvah, and what do you remember of it?
Why ask it
It marks coming of age at twelve or thirteen, and what people recall is usually the months of practice and the fear of chanting in front of everyone, more than the party. Not everyone had one, and some choose to as adults, so ask it as an open question.
Where does belief in God come into being Jewish for you?
Why ask it
Christian friends often assume belief is the entry requirement. In Jewish life, practice and belonging frequently come first, and you may well be talking to someone who keeps the holidays and is unsure about God. An answer of it's complicated is complete, so do not press for a verdict.
What were you taught about what happens after we die, and what do you think yourself?
Why ask it
A shrug is a common answer, and an honest one. Many Jewish people say they heard little about an afterlife growing up and a good deal about how to mourn: the week at home, the prayer said for a parent, the candle lit each year on the date. If the answer turns to someone they lost, follow them there.
Is there a Jewish idea or value that shapes how you live?
Why ask it
You may hear giving as an obligation, repairing the world, welcoming guests, or arguing with a text instead of just accepting it. The definition matters less than the last time they acted on it, so ask for that. A reply that starts with a parent's saying is worth following.
What is one custom you keep without being able to fully explain why?
Why ask it
Someone might fast on Yom Kippur while doubting all of it, keep milk and meat apart out of habit, or touch the doorpost on the way in. That is practice running on family and memory more than on doctrine. Enjoy the answer and do not point out the inconsistency.
Family and identity
Where did your family live before they lived here?
Why ask it
It might be Poland, Morocco, Iran, Ethiopia or Argentina, or this same town for six generations, and you may hear the family called Ashkenazi, Sephardi or Mizrahi, so ask what that changes at their table. Some family trees stop abruptly at a certain year, and some people joined the Jewish people by conversion and have a different story altogether. Let them choose how far back to go.
Do you have a Hebrew name, and who were you named for?
Why ask it
Many Jewish people carry a second name that is used at religious moments, and there is usually a relative behind it. Customs differ: plenty of Ashkenazi families name a child for someone who has died, and many Sephardi families honor a grandparent who is still living. Not everyone has one, so ask lightly, and if they do, ask for a story about the person.
Is everyone in your family Jewish, or is it a mix?
Why ask it
Many families include a parent, a partner or in-laws who are not Jewish, and some include converts. Do not follow up with an opinion on whether that makes them really Jewish: the movements disagree about descent, and people who have been told they do not count remember who said it.
How observant are you compared with your parents and your siblings?
Why ask it
One family often spans the whole range, with a sister who became Orthodox and a brother who dropped all of it. Ask how a holiday meal works when one of them will not drive and another will not fast. Fondness in the telling is a good sign, and a clipped answer means there is a rift you should leave alone.
Who keeps the traditions going in your family?
Why ask it
There is usually one person: the grandmother with the recipes, the uncle who leads the seder, the mother who calls everyone about dates. Ask what would stop happening without them. If that person has died, you will hear how the family is managing, so go slowly.
When did you first notice that being Jewish made you different from the kids around you?
Why ask it
Often it is a school memory: sitting out the Christmas concert, a test set on a holiday, a remark in the lunch line. Someone raised in a largely Jewish neighborhood may say it did not happen until college or a first job. Both versions tell you what they carried into adulthood.
What is the Jewish community like where you live, and how much are you part of it?
Why ask it
Being one of three Jewish families in a town is a different life from growing up where school closed for Yom Kippur. It depends on the country and the city, so ask about theirs. Camp, a youth group or a campus organization is often where their closest friends came from.
Does it matter to you, or to your family, whether your partner is Jewish?
Why ask it
From a friend this is a question about expectations and pressure. From a partner it is the question, so ask it early, and ask about them and their parents separately because the two answers often differ. A vague reply is worth returning to before things get serious.
What would you want children of yours to grow up with?
Why ask it
The list might include Friday dinners, Hebrew school, summer camp and a bar or bat mitzvah, or come down to simply knowing who they are. Some people do not want children, so let them reframe it. A partner should listen for the items said without hesitation, since those are unlikely to be up for negotiation later.
If I am invited to a wedding, a bar or bat mitzvah or a shiva in your family, what should I know first?
Why ask it
Each has its own small rules, and they change from one family to the next: whether men cover their heads, whether a gift or a donation is usual, and what food, if any, to take to a shiva, the week of mourning held at home. Asking the person who invited you is normal and far better than guessing. Find out too whether you will be watching or handed a part.
Harder topics
What are you tired of explaining?
Why ask it
Likely candidates: that Hanukkah is not the Jewish Christmas, that a person can be Jewish and not religious, that they cannot answer for a country they may never have lived in. Whatever tops their list, strike it from yours. Laughing along is fine and adding your own example is not.
What is it like being asked what Jews think about something?
Why ask it
The center of this whole page. Jewish people disagree with each other on nearly everything, often inside one family, and being made the spokesperson is tiring. If you catch yourself doing it, this question is the reset: ask what they think and who in their family thinks the opposite.
What do you say when someone asks why Jews do not believe in Jesus?
Why ask it
Christian friends nearly always wonder, and the question grates when it is put as something missing. A usual reply is that Judaism was already whole and that Jesus is simply not part of it, much as another religion's founder is not part of yours. Ask once, out of curiosity, and do not answer with a verse.
Has anyone tried to convert you, or told you what your own scriptures really mean?
Why ask it
A common experience in Christian-majority places: a worried classmate, a pamphlet, a friendly church invitation with a motive behind it. Judaism does not generally seek converts, so it tends to land as rude more than kind. If you are Christian, ask how you can talk about your own faith without it sounding like a pitch.
Where is the line for you with jokes about Jews, and does it matter who tells them?
Why ask it
A great deal of Jewish humor is aimed at Jewish life itself, and the same line can be affectionate from a cousin and unpleasant from a coworker. Most people know exactly where their line sits and have rarely been asked. Listen to the example they give, and do not test the line with a joke of your own.
Have you run into antisemitism yourself, and what did it look like?
Why ask it
It might be a joke about money, a slur at school, graffiti, or a guard at the synagogue door that they stopped noticing years ago. Ask in private, believe what you are told, and do not explain what the other person probably meant or weigh it against something else.
Do you ever decide not to mention you are Jewish, or tuck a necklace inside your shirt?
Why ask it
Many people run this calculation in certain rooms, cities or weeks, and their non-Jewish friends rarely know. A yes is not a confession of weakness. The useful follow-up is whether there is anything you do, or could stop doing, that changes the math when you are around.
When there is frightening news about Jews somewhere, what do you want from the people around you?
Why ask it
After an attack on a synagogue or a run of threats, friends tend either to go silent or to ask for a reaction, and neither helps much. Some people want a short message that asks for nothing back, and some want a completely normal day. Ask in a calm week, so you already know when a bad one comes.
How do you feel when people expect you to have a position on Israel?
Why ask it
This asks about the expectation and not the politics, which is the fairer place to start. Jewish people hold every view there is, including attachment, anger, both together and exhaustion. If they want to tell you what they think they will, and nobody should be held answerable for a government.
How was the Holocaust talked about when you were growing up, at home or at school?
Why ask it
Some had a grandparent who survived and never spoke of it, some learned it in a classroom, and families from North Africa or the Middle East may carry a different history of loss. Ask only if you can stay quiet through the answer. No comparisons, and no asking them to react to a headline.
What do you find hard, or disagree with, inside Jewish life itself?
Why ask it
Answers include the cost of belonging, family pressure about who to marry, the roles open to women in some communities, or being too Jewish for one crowd and not Jewish enough for another. They are entitled to criticize their own community. Listen, and resist the urge to agree too eagerly.
Closers
What has a non-Jewish friend or coworker done that made things easier for you?
Why ask it
The answers are small and easy to copy: a manager who checked the calendar first, a friend who ordered something they could eat without announcing it, a guest who came to the seder and asked good questions. Pick one and do it.
Could I come to a seder, a Shabbat dinner or a service with you sometime?
Why ask it
Many families like a guest at the table, and a seder is built around explaining things to whoever asks. Leave an easy way to say not this year, since the table may belong to someone else. If the answer is yes, ask what to wear and when it is likely to finish.
What is one book, film or recipe you would hand me to understand your corner of Jewish life?
Why ask it
Whether they reach for a cookbook, a novel, a comedy or a prayer tells you where Jewishness lives for them. One is enough, because a list of ten will not get read. Then read, watch or cook it, and say what you made of it.
Is there anything you have wanted to ask me about my own background or beliefs?
Why ask it
By now they have done most of the explaining, and this hands them the other chair. Their questions show how your own family's habits look from outside, Christmas morning included. Answer as one person, the way you asked them to.
Did I put any of this the wrong way, or ask something I should not have?
Why ask it
This gives them an easy moment to correct a word or an assumption before it hardens into a habit. Thank them and do not defend the wording. If they say everything was fine, ask which question they had expected and did not get.
What is the question nobody asks you that you would enjoy answering?
Why ask it
It tends to land somewhere ordinary and loved: summer camp, a grandfather's jokes, the tune their family sings a blessing to. Finishing here means the conversation ends on ground they chose.
Asking well, and what to do with the answers
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Say why you are asking
Curiosity from a friend, a partner about to meet the family, a colleague sorting out a schedule and a classmate with an assignment are four different conversations. One sentence about which it is lets the other person decide how much to give you, and it separates you from the stranger who was building up to an argument.
One person, one answer
Jewish life runs from fully secular to strictly Orthodox, across many countries and several family traditions, and people inside one household disagree. Put you and your family in the question where you might have said Jews and Judaism, and expect the next Jewish person you ask to tell you something different.
Borrow their words
Copy what you hear: Shabbat or Shabbos, synagogue, shul or temple, kippah or yarmulke. Jew is an ordinary noun, and the hesitation over it is mostly on the non-Jewish side. If you are Christian, say Hebrew Bible where you might have said Old Testament, since the second name describes the book from outside.
Choose the moment
Not in front of a group, where the person becomes the exhibit, and not in the week of a frightening headline, when they have probably been asked for a reaction all day. A meal, a walk or a quiet car ride gives room for a long answer and for a pause.
Working through the list
How the groups run
Openers settle where this person sits and how much of their week is involved, which tells you which later groups apply. Shabbat and holidays and Food, practice and belief are the easy middle, full of concrete detail. Family and identity goes deeper, Harder topics needs trust and privacy, and the Closers are for the last ten minutes, when it is their turn to ask you.
If you only ask eight
For one lunch: how they describe their own way of being Jewish, what it looked like at home growing up, which holiday matters most, what makes eating together easy, how observant they are next to their family, what they are tired of explaining, what a non-Jewish friend has done that made things easier, and the question nobody asks. Stop there even if it is going well. The rest keeps for the next lunch.
For a partner
Your questions are decisions in disguise, so ask them before they are urgent: whether a Jewish partner matters to them or to their parents, what they would want for children, and what you should know before a family wedding, a bar or bat mitzvah or a shiva. Ask about their wishes and their family's expectations separately, and come back to anything that got a vague reply.
For a colleague or classmate
Stay with the practical ones: which days they take off, what to say on a holiday, what makes a shared meal easy. Rules about leave, exams and catering depend on the employer, the school and the country, so ask how it works there and do not quote a policy you have not read.
What tends to go wrong
Opening with Israel or the Holocaust
A person asked about either in the first five minutes feels summoned to testify. Both sit in the Harder topics group for a reason: they come after the Friday nights and the favorite foods, and only in private.
Correcting them with something you read
If their kitchen does not match the rules you looked up, their kitchen is the answer. The same goes for what they believe, how often they attend and what they call things.
Grading how Jewish they are
Remarks such as you don't seem very religious, or so you are only half, are heard as a ruling from someone with no standing to make one. Who counts is argued inside the Jewish world already, and it does not need an outside vote.
Compliments that are stereotypes
Praise for being clever, funny or good with money still files a person under a type, and it is hard to object to without seeming touchy. Compliment the person on something they did.
Making your own religion the yardstick
Questions shaped like so what do you have instead of Christmas, or instead of Jesus, assume a gap where they see none. Ask what the thing is, and compare notes afterward if they are curious.
After the conversation
Do one thing with what you heard
Put the holidays they named in your calendar, remember what they can eat, and say the greeting they taught you when the day comes. Acting on a single answer is what shows the questions were sincere.
Being a good guest
If an invitation follows, ask what to bring and what to wear, arrive on time, and join in whatever you are asked to join. Questions at a seder table are welcome. Photos and phones may not be, so check first.
Keep it two-way
Offer your own family's habits and oddities in return, and answer what they ask you. If only one of you has been explaining, it was a briefing, however kindly it was meant.