Juicy Questions to Ask Your Cousin
Twenty nosy but friendly questions for a cousin, built around the family you both grew up in: childhood memories only they can confirm, what they got away with, who the favorite grandchild was, the feuds nobody explains, and what they tell their friends about you.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What do you remember about me as a kid that I probably do not remember myself?
Why ask it
Cousins hold the only outside footage of your childhood that is not from your parents. Expect something unflattering and specific, and notice which version of you they kept, since that is the one they have been describing to people for years.
Out of all of us, who was the ringleader, and who was the one who told on everybody?
Why ask it
Every set of cousins has both roles, and the two of you may have cast them differently. Watch what happens if they name you: how they say it tells you whether it is still a joke or a small grudge with two decades on it.
What is your most embarrassing moment at a family gathering?
Why ask it
Opens easily because family events supply everybody with material. The better answers involve a relative who made it worse, which is usually the real story and the one nobody has told at the table.
What did you get away with back then that your parents still do not know about?
Why ask it
Cousins were often the alibi, so this frequently comes with your name in it. If they hesitate, it is usually because the story implicates a sibling rather than themselves, which is worth knowing before you push.
Which family story gets told wrong every single time?
Why ask it
You learn who in the family controls the official version and what got trimmed out of it. Compare their correction with the one you were raised on: two households can be repeating the same anecdote with opposite villains.
Be honest: who was the favorite grandchild, and how did you work it out?
Why ask it
The how is the interesting half, because it is usually a specific memory about money, attention or a photograph on a wall. If they name themselves without hesitating, that is its own answer, and probably accurate.
What is the worst thing you have seen happen at a family wedding or funeral?
Why ask it
These are the events where the family gathers under pressure, so the stories are unusually good. Take note of who they say caused it, since that often maps onto a rift the younger cousins were never told the reason for.
Which family tradition do you secretly find unbearable?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has one and nobody says it out loud, so the relief in the answer is part of the fun. It also flags what they attend out of duty, which is useful the next time you are both dreading the same weekend.
What is the most awkward question a relative has ever asked you?
Why ask it
Marriage, weight, money, religion: the answer shows you which relative has no filter and what subject they will start on with you next. It usually turns into swapping tactics for deflecting the same person.
Have you ever covered for me, or have I covered for you, without the other one knowing?
Why ask it
Cousins do this more than they remember, and unclaimed favors surface here. If one of you took the blame for something years ago and never said so, this is generally where it comes out.
Who do you actively avoid at family events, and what is your escape line?
Why ask it
Playful on the surface, and genuinely useful, since you may be steering clear of the same person for different reasons. If they name someone you like, ask why before defending them, because they may know something you do not.
What is the pettiest feud in this family that people are still committed to?
Why ask it
Long feuds usually start with something small and absurd, like a serving dish or a seat at a table. The answer maps who is not speaking to whom, which matters before you seat anyone at your own wedding.
Is there money owed anywhere in this family that everybody politely pretends not to know about?
Why ask it
Loans between relatives explain a lot of cold behavior that is otherwise unexplained. Tread lightly and accept a vague answer, because they may be protecting a parent rather than dodging you.
Did you ever find out something about a relative that changed how you saw them?
Why ask it
This is where the conversation turns from gossip to something real: an illness, a first marriage, money trouble, a period nobody discusses. If it lands somewhere heavy, follow their lead on how much they want to say.
What did you overhear the adults say when they thought we were not listening?
Why ask it
Children retained oddly precise fragments and made sense of them wrongly. Comparing fragments tends to reassemble one event neither of you had the whole of, which can be funny or genuinely clarifying.
Who in our family has the most surprising life story, once you actually know it?
Why ask it
Points you at the relative worth sitting next to at the next gathering, usually a quiet great-aunt or an uncle nobody asks about. If nobody comes to mind, it may be that nobody has asked them anything in years.
What do you think our family looks like to someone marrying into it?
Why ask it
Forces both of you outside the family for a second, and it is often the funniest answer of the set. The details they choose, volume, food, questions at the door, are the ones a partner has already complained to them about.
What do you tell your friends about me?
Why ask it
You find out which single story of you is in circulation, and whether they describe you as a cousin or as a friend. A pause before the answer usually means the story is not flattering, and it is worth hearing anyway.
If you have kids, what would you do differently from how we were raised?
Why ask it
The lighter version of a serious question, and cousins can answer it more honestly than siblings because they are criticizing different parents. The specifics tell you what they found hardest about their own childhood.
If you had to take one relative on holiday for a week, who would it be, and who would be unbearable?
Why ask it
Ends the set on a laugh while quietly ranking the family. The first name is often someone they wish they saw more of, which is a good place to leave the conversation.
Getting real answers out of a cousin
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Where these actually work
The edge of a family event
The best setting is the gap in a gathering: the kitchen after dinner, the car park, the drive home. You have shared material in front of you and a natural reason to talk about the family.
One to one, not in the group chat
Anything involving a relative by name is a different conversation with three cousins watching. Group chats keep receipts, and a screenshot of the favorite-grandchild answer has ended actual friendships.
Not in front of the parents
Half of these are only answerable when nobody's mother is in the room. If you cannot get that, stay with the childhood memories and save the rest.
How to get past the polite version
- 1Go first, and go worse. Offer your own embarrassing story before you ask for theirs, and make yours the one that costs you something.
- 2Name a year or an event. 'That summer at Grandma's' unlocks far more than 'when we were kids'.
- 3Ask how they know, not just what they know. The evidence behind a family belief is usually more interesting than the belief.
- 4Let a silence sit. Cousins often decide mid-pause whether to tell you the real answer.
- 5Confirm what you already half-remember. Saying 'I thought I imagined that' gives them permission to fill in the rest.
Where this goes wrong
Relaying it upward
The fastest way to end this kind of closeness is for something to reach a parent. Assume anything said about a relative stays between the two of you unless they say otherwise.
Hitting a real wound by accident
Questions about feuds, money and relatives who changed can land on a divorce, an illness or an estrangement they live with. If the tone drops, drop the subject and say plainly that you did not know.
Making them the family informant
If every question is about someone else, you are using them as a source rather than talking to them. Alternate: one about the family, one about them.
Keeping score on childhood
Old rankings, who was favored, who got away with more, can still sting. If they get defensive about a story, let their version stand rather than correcting the record.
Ways to start
- 'I have a question I can only ask you, because everyone else in this family is either your parent or mine.'
- 'Settle something for me. Am I remembering this right, or did I make it up?'
- 'You can tell me the honest answer. I am not repeating it to my mother.'
- 'Worst family event you have ever been to. I will go first.'