Lesbian Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend
Twenty questions for a girlfriend, written for ordinary evenings rather than a big talk. They cover how she came to know herself, how out she wants to be at work and with family, what she needs from you in public, exes and chosen family, marriage and children, and what she wants from the coming year.
The questions
Open any question for the note
When did you first know you liked women, and who did you tell first?
Why ask it
The person she told first is often the more interesting half: a friend, a sister, a stranger online. Notice whether that person is still in her life, because who held the earliest version of her says a lot about who she trusts now.
What was coming out like for you, and is there anyone you still have not told?
Why ask it
Coming out is rarely one event, and the people still not told are usually a grandparent, a boss, or a parent who half knows. Ask what she wants from you around those people rather than offering an opinion on whether she should tell them.
What was your first relationship with a woman like, and what did it teach you?
Why ask it
First relationships often happen without any model to copy, which is why they carry lessons about boundaries and intensity that arrive earlier for us than for straight friends. Listen for what she promised herself afterwards, since that promise is probably still operating.
Where do you feel comfortable holding my hand, and where would you rather not?
Why ask it
Comfort varies by street, by city, by who is around, and assuming her limits match yours is how one of you ends up feeling either exposed or rejected. Agreeing it out loud means neither has to make a judgment call in the moment.
How do you want me to respond when people assume we are friends or sisters?
Why ask it
It happens constantly, and couples handle it differently: correcting cheerfully, letting it go, or leaving. What matters is having one agreed response, so that a waiter's assumption does not turn into an argument in the car.
Who in your family actually gets us, and who are we still managing?
Why ask it
You learn who to sit next to and who to avoid discussing your life with. If someone tolerated is described as fine, ask what fine involves in practice, since being tolerated tends to look like being asked nothing at all.
Are there queer friends or places you want us spending more time in?
Why ask it
Couples can drift into a life where nobody else around them is queer, and one partner usually feels that loss before the other names it. If she has a bar, a team or a group she has stopped going to, ask what got in the way.
Who counts as your chosen family, and how do you want me to fit with them?
Why ask it
For many people these are the relationships that carried them through their twenties, and they outrank some blood relatives. Being told where you sit among them is an invitation, so treat any birthday or ritual she names as non-optional.
What do you want holidays to look like, across both our families?
Why ask it
This is the question that decides several Decembers. Ask specifically whether she is welcome, whether you are welcome, and whether staying home together is a real option rather than a defeat.
How out do you want to be at work, and what would you want from me at a work event?
Why ask it
Her level of outness may differ from yours and can differ by job, client or country. Ask what word she wants used for you in front of colleagues, since guessing between girlfriend, partner and friend in the moment is where people get hurt.
What do you need from me when someone says something ignorant in front of us?
Why ask it
Some people want you to speak first, some want you to let them handle it, some want to leave quietly. Deciding in advance means the ugly moment does not become a second argument about how you handled it.
Are you still close to any of your exes, and how do you want me to be with them?
Why ask it
Overlapping friendship circles are common, and pretending to be relaxed about it rarely holds. Ask which friendship is important to her and say plainly what you find hard, before you meet at somebody's party.
Do you want to get married? Does the wedding matter to you, or the legal side?
Why ask it
These are two separate wants and people often assume the other. The legal answer also carries practical weight around next of kin, medical decisions and parentage, so it is worth separating the ceremony from the paperwork.
Do you want children, and have you thought about how?
Why ask it
The how is not an afterthought for us: donor, reciprocal IVF, fostering, adoption, who carries, what it costs, what the law where you live says about the non-birth parent. Vague enthusiasm without any of that is worth exploring gently.
Where do you want to live in ten years, and does the place's attitude come into it?
Why ask it
Safety, healthcare and legal recognition are part of this decision in a way they are not for everyone. If she has ruled somewhere out, ask why, and if she has not thought about it, that is worth discussing before either of you falls in love with a house.
What made you feel most loved by me this month, and what did I miss?
Why ask it
The second half is the useful part and it needs asking directly, because most people file small disappointments rather than raise them. Take the answer without defending yourself, and repeat the thing that worked.
When we want different amounts of closeness, how should we handle it?
Why ask it
Two people who both prize closeness can merge fast, and then one of them quietly misses having a separate life. Naming what each of you wants alone, without it being read as withdrawal, prevents the resentment that follows.
Is there something about our sex life you would like to talk about and have not?
Why ask it
Ask when you are not in bed and not upset, which is what makes it answerable. Mismatched desire and long stretches of nothing are common and workable, but only once someone says the first sentence out loud.
What are you afraid of in this relationship?
Why ask it
Fears tend to be specific: being left for someone else, being absorbed, repeating what a parent did. Hearing hers gives you something you can actually reassure, which vague comfort never manages.
What do you want the next year of us to look like?
Why ask it
Ends the conversation somewhere hopeful and concrete. Listen for whether her picture involves a move, a wedding, a pet or a child, and whether she assumed you already knew that, which is often where two people discover they were planning different years.
How to use these together
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Pacing
A few at a time
These are for a long drive, a slow morning, or the end of an evening, three or four at most. Running the whole list in one sitting turns a conversation into a review.
Order matters
Start with how she came to know herself and what she likes about your life together. Leave outness at work, family holidays, children and fears until you have already had a good hour.
Answer everything you ask
Every question here has a version about you. Going first on the harder ones, particularly the one about what you missed, is what makes an honest answer safe to give.
Where to be careful
- Coming out stories can include rejection, a lost job, or a family that never came round. If her tone shifts, stop asking and stay with what she has said.
- Do not treat her level of outness as a measure of courage. It is often a calculation about a specific workplace, visa, client or relative, and she has done the arithmetic already.
- Never out her, including to your own family and in photographs online. Ask what she is comfortable with being posted before you post it.
- Avoid asking her to explain queer life in general. She is your girlfriend, not a representative.
- If a question lands on something you disagree about, children or marriage most often, note it and come back another day rather than trying to resolve it that night.
Afterwards
- 1Write down anything practical that came up: the ex she wants kept as a friend, the relative to avoid, the word she wants used at work.
- 2Do the small thing she named as making her feel loved, within the week, and without announcing that you are doing it.
- 3If you agreed a response for public assumptions or rude comments, use it the next time and check afterwards whether it felt right.
- 4Ask the harder ones again in six months. Answers about children, cities and being out change more than people expect.