Questions Not to Ask
For anyone who has watched a harmless-sounding question go wrong at a family dinner, a party or a checkout line and wants to know which ones to retire. The 63 questions are grouped by subject: Love life, Kids, Body, Money and work, Who you are and Hard times. Most are fine between two people who already confide in each other, so read the list as being about acquaintances, in-laws, colleagues and strangers.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Love life
How come you're still single?
Why ask it
Whoever hears this has to account for an absence, as if a partner were something they forgot to pick up on the way over. Relatives ask it most, usually at a table with an audience. 'What's been the best part of your year?' leaves room for a love life to be mentioned or left out.
So when are you two getting married?
Why ask it
One of the pair may be waiting on the other, saving up, or quietly decided against it, and you have just asked them to say which in public. Couples announce an engagement when there is one to announce. Ask what they have planned for the summer.
Are you seeing anyone yet?
Why ask it
'Yet' is the trouble: said to someone recently divorced or widowed, it starts a clock on their grief. Leave the timing to them and ask how the new place, the job or the dog is getting on.
Why did you two split up?
Why ask it
The honest account involves another person's behavior and probably a few things they are not proud of themselves. 'I was sorry to hear it. How are you doing?' gives them the same opening without requiring the story.
Are you two together, or just friends?
Why ask it
If they are a couple who have not told people, you have forced it. If they are friends, one of them may now be embarrassed in front of the other. 'How do you two know each other?' is the safe form, and it gets a better story.
Don't you get lonely living by yourself?
Why ask it
It supplies its own answer, so the person must either defend a life they like or admit to a near-stranger that some evenings are hard. Ask what they love about their place, which reaches the same subject from the side they chose.
Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?
Why ask it
No reply helps: it was the budget, the size of the room or a decision about you, and none of those can be said kindly. If the friendship matters, congratulate them and ask to see the photos. The guest list is closed either way.
Is he a lot older than you?
Why ask it
The speaker has already done the subtraction, so this is a comment wearing a question mark. Couples with a gap in age have heard every version of it, including the one where a partner is taken for a parent. Take the introduction, use his name, and talk to him as you would to anyone's partner.
Aren't you worried you're running out of time?
Why ask it
Said about marriage or children, it hands someone a deadline they have very likely lain awake over already. Nothing you could ask instead does the same job kindly, so drop this one and take an interest in what they are doing now.
Kids
When are you going to have kids?
Why ask it
You cannot see who is trying and failing, who has lost a pregnancy and who decided against it years ago, and the question lands on all three. If children are coming, you will be told. Until then, pick up something the couple has already mentioned and ask about that.
Are you pregnant?
Why ask it
If the answer is no, there is no recovering the moment. If it is yes and early, you have taken the announcement out of her hands. The only safe time to mention a pregnancy is after she has.
Was the baby planned?
Why ask it
Underneath, this asks about a couple's private life and whether the child was wanted, and the child may one day hear the answer repeated. 'How are you feeling about it all?' invites as much as the parents care to share.
Don't you want to give her a little brother or sister?
Why ask it
Families stop at one for reasons of money, health, age, a hard birth or plain preference, and several of those hurt to say aloud. It also hints that the child they have is missing something. Ask about the one who is here: what she is into this month.
Are you going to try for a boy?
Why ask it
Parents of daughters hear, often with the daughters standing right there, that the set is incomplete. Put a question to the girls themselves: what they are reading, building or refusing to eat this week.
Are they all yours?
Why ask it
Parents of large, blended or adoptive families get this at checkouts and playgrounds, and the children hear it every time. Yes is the only answer on offer, so nothing is learned. 'You've got a great crew' says what a kind stranger means.
Is that your grandson?
Why ask it
Older parents, young grandparents and anyone out with a child who does not look like them get the wrong guess often, and correcting a stranger stings a little each time. Speak to what you can see: 'He seems like great company.'
Do you know who his real parents are?
Why ask it
The people raising him are his parents, and 'real' says otherwise within his hearing. His history is his to tell when he is older. If the family talks about a birth mother or birth father, use their words and let them raise the subject.
Why don't you want children?
Why ask it
Nobody asks parents to justify having them, so the question marks one way of living as the one that needs defending. It also takes for granted that it was a choice. Ask what fills their weekends and you will hear what their life is built around.
Who will take care of you when you're old?
Why ask it
Usually aimed at people without children, this is a forecast of a lonely old age offered as concern. Having children does not promise anyone a caregiver either. Leave it unasked.
Are you breastfeeding?
Why ask it
Feeding a baby can involve supply, medication, work schedules and a good many tears, and the question tends to arrive with an opinion attached. 'How are the nights going?' asks after the parent, who is the one needing it.
Are the twins natural?
Why ask it
A question about fertility treatment, asked in a supermarket aisle. How children were conceived is the family's medical history, and the opposite of natural is not a word anyone wants put on their kids. 'Which one is the troublemaker?' is the stranger's question parents like.
Body
Have you put on weight?
Why ask it
They own a mirror. All the question adds is the news that other people are keeping track, and the cause may be medication, stress or an illness they had no plan to discuss. If you are worried about them, ask how they have been lately and listen to what comes back.
You've lost weight. What's your secret?
Why ask it
Meant as praise and often taken that way, but weight also comes off through illness, grief and disordered eating, and then the compliment is for the worst months of someone's year. 'It's really good to see you' is warm without measuring anything.
Are you sure you should be eating that?
Why ask it
Policing a plate in company shames one person and tells everyone else at the table that their food is being watched too. An adult's diet, whatever their health, is theirs to run. Pass the dish and change the subject.
Are you feeling okay? You look tired.
Why ask it
What gets heard is 'you look bad today,' usually at the start of a day they cannot go home from. If you are worried about someone, skip the report on their face and ask 'How's your week going?' somewhere private.
What happened to your leg?
Why ask it
A person with a cane, a wheelchair or a prosthetic is asked this by strangers who would never ask to see any other page of a medical file. Talk to them about whatever you would talk to anyone about. If they want you to know the story, they will tell it.
So what exactly is wrong with you?
Why ask it
People whose conditions do not show hear this when they use an accessible parking space or turn down a plan, and it asks them to prove they qualify. Take 'I can't today' at its word, then ask whether another day or a different plan would suit them better.
Have you tried cutting out gluten?
Why ask it
This is advice dressed as a question. Someone living with a long-term condition has usually heard about the thing you read last week and now has to be polite about it. 'What helps on a bad day?' lets them be the one who knows.
Have you had work done?
Why ask it
A yes confirms something they chose not to announce, and a no means you thought their face looked artificial. If someone looks well, tell them so and stop there.
What will those tattoos look like when you're old?
Why ask it
They thought about that before sitting in the chair, and decided. Put as a question, it is a verdict on something already chosen, paid for and permanent. If one catches your eye, 'Is there a story behind that one?' is the version people tend to welcome, and a short answer means no.
Can I touch your hair?
Why ask it
Often the hand is already moving when it is asked. People with curls, locs, braids or an afro get it from strangers, children can rarely refuse an adult, and in each case a person is being handled like an exhibit. Admire it in words: 'Your hair looks great.'
Why aren't you drinking?
Why ask it
The possible reasons include pregnancy, medication, recovery, faith and simply not wanting to, and most of those are private. Offer something else and let it rest: 'Can I get you a soda or some water?'
Money and work
So what do you earn?
Why ask it
Once a figure is out, both of you rank yourselves against it, and it cannot be taken back. Friends who agree to compare pay on purpose are doing something different and often useful. With anyone else, ask whether they like the work.
How much did you pay for the house?
Why ask it
A price tells you nothing about a home that a walk through it would not, and the owner can hear their net worth being estimated. Ask what made them pick it, or what they plan to do with the yard.
How can you afford that?
Why ask it
It sounds like admiration and works as a demand for receipts. People pay for things by saving, by going without something else, or with help they would rather not describe. 'That trip sounds amazing, where did you stay?' enjoys the thing without pricing it.
Is that a real diamond?
Why ask it
Someone showing you an engagement ring is sharing a happy moment, and this asks for an appraisal. Mined, lab-grown, inherited or costume, the stone is not the news. 'Tell me how it happened' is what they are hoping to hear.
Who's paying for the wedding?
Why ask it
It asks which family has money and whether the couple is taking it, a few months before all of them have to sit in one room. The budget already sits behind every decision the couple makes and they are tired of it. Ask about the music, the food or who is giving a speech.
Did she leave you anything in the will?
Why ask it
In the weeks after a death, this puts a price on the loss and can stir up whatever the family is quietly arguing over. An inheritance is the business of the people named in it. Ask what they will miss about her.
What does your husband do?
Why ask it
As a first question to a woman at a party, it places her by somebody else's job, and it guesses at a husband besides. 'What keeps you busy?' works for the employed, the retired, the parent at home and the job hunter alike.
What do you do all day?
Why ask it
Parents at home, retirees, caregivers and people between jobs hear this as 'justify your hours.' The curious version is narrower and kinder: 'What does a good day look like for you at the moment?'
When are you going to get a real job?
Why ask it
Artists, freelancers, servers and anyone building something small get this from relatives, and 'real' waves away the work that currently pays their rent. Ask what they are working on right now. It may turn out to be more solid than you assumed.
What are you going to do with that degree?
Why ask it
A student hears doubt about three or four years of their life from someone who has not seen the syllabus. Most do not know yet, and that is ordinary. 'Which class has surprised you most?' gets an actual answer.
So where are you going to college?
Why ask it
High school seniors are asked this by every adult they meet, in the very months when they are waiting on decisions, money or a rejection. It also assumes college is the plan. Try 'What are you most looking forward to after graduation?'
You're a doctor? Can you take a quick look at this?
Why ask it
Doctors, lawyers, mechanics, designers and the one relative who is good with computers all meet this at parties. It asks for unpaid work at an hour they came to rest, and refusing makes them look unfriendly. Ask how to book an appointment, or ask about anything except their job.
Who you are
Why are you so quiet?
Why ask it
Said across a table, it turns every head toward the one person who least wanted the attention, and the only reply on offer is an apology for their temperament. Quiet in a group is often just listening. Find them at the edge of the room later and ask about one thing they know well.
No, where are you really from?
Why ask it
The person has already answered, and 'really' says the answer did not match their face or their name. Someone born twenty minutes away is being told they will always count as a visitor. If family history comes up on its own later, 'What's your family's story?' is a question anyone can be asked.
What are you?
Why ask it
Put to people of mixed or hard-to-place heritage, usually by strangers, it asks for a box to file them in, and 'what' is a word for objects. Nobody owes a bystander their ancestry. Get to know the person, and where the grandparents came from tends to surface by itself.
How old are you, anyway?
Why ask it
Between adults it is nearly always asked in order to rule on something: too old for the job, too young to know, late to marry. Children love being asked, and plenty of grown-ups would like to pick who knows. If age matters to the conversation, give yours first and see whether they follow.
Who are you voting for?
Why ask it
People vote in private for a reason, and the asker almost always has a correct answer in mind. At a family dinner the reply gets remembered for years. 'Which issue do you care most about this time?' lets someone talk politics at the depth they choose.
What religion are you?
Why ask it
Between friends trading stories it is fine. From an acquaintance it tends to come just before an invitation or a verdict, and people who left a faith or keep one quietly may not want to explain. Ask about traditions: 'Do you do anything special this time of year?'
Do you have to wear that?
Why ask it
Headscarves, turbans, kippahs and other religious dress draw this one, and 'have to' assumes the wearer was given no say. Many would gladly explain what it means to them if the asking sounded like interest: 'I'd like to understand it better, if you ever feel like telling me.'
Your English is so good. Where did you learn it?
Why ask it
Often said to people who learned it where you did, at home as a baby. For someone who did learn it later, it marks them as foreign in the middle of an ordinary chat. Respond to what they said, not to how well they said it.
Can I just call you something easier?
Why ask it
A name is the first thing a person owns, and this asks them to give it up to save you ten seconds of practice. Say 'Can you say it once more? I want to get it right,' and then get it right.
So, are you gay?
Why ask it
Coming out is a decision about timing, audience and safety, and the question takes away all three. A no may be untrue and a yes may be one they were not ready to hand you. Use open words like 'partner' and 'anyone special,' and people tell you when they trust you.
Hard times
How did he die?
Why ask it
In the first days it asks a grieving person to narrate the worst hour of their life, and some causes are ones a family is not ready to say aloud. They share it if and when they wish. 'I'm so sorry. What was he like?' lets them talk about the man and not the death.
Did he smoke?
Why ask it
Asked on news of lung cancer or a heart attack, it goes looking for the way the sick man brought it on himself, which comforts the asker and nobody else. The family hears blame. Whether he did changes nothing you can do for them now, so ask what would lighten this week.
Shouldn't you be over it by now?
Why ask it
Grief, a breakup and a lost job keep to no schedule that anybody else can read, and the question tells the person their sadness has become an inconvenience to you. Ask 'How are things these days?' and accept whatever comes back.
Have you found a job yet?
Why ask it
Someone out of work gets this from everyone they know, and each no is a small defeat said out loud. They will tell you the day it happens. A practical offer does more: 'Want me to keep an ear out, or would you like a night off from the subject?'
So why did they let you go?
Why ask it
It presumes a reason that reflects on them, when a layoff can turn on a budget and bad timing. Whichever it was, the story is fresh and unflattering to tell. 'That's rough, I'm sorry' is a whole reply, and if they want you to know what happened they will go on from there.
How long have they given you?
Why ask it
Nobody with a serious diagnosis should have to say a number of months to satisfy someone's curiosity, and some have chosen not to hear one from their own doctors. Follow their lead on how much gets discussed. 'I'm thinking of you. Would you like company this week?' is more use.
Why don't you just adopt?
Why ask it
'Just' turns a process that can take years, cost a great deal and may not be open to them where they live into an errand a couple forgot to run. Anyone who has struggled to conceive has thought about it longer than you have. 'I'm sorry it has been so hard' is enough.
Why don't you speak to your family?
Why ask it
Estrangement usually has years behind it, and any short answer sounds either petty or alarming. The next thing the person hears is advice to make peace from someone who knows none of it. Treat 'we're not in touch' as a complete answer, and at the holidays ask what their own plans are.
What are you going to do now?
Why ask it
Asked in the week of a layoff, a death or a separation, it demands a plan from someone still working out what happened. A few months on it becomes a fair question, even a welcome one. For now: 'You don't need to have it figured out. Can I bring dinner Thursday?'
How to tell a question not to ask from one you can
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Why an ordinary question lands badly
It asks someone to explain their life
Still single, no children, not drinking, renting, between jobs. The questions on this page mostly take a fact about a person and ask them to justify it. A useful test before speaking: would I ask this of someone whose life had gone the expected way? Nobody asks a married couple why they married.
You cannot see what the answer costs
The asker pictures the easy reply. The person asked may be holding a miscarriage, a diagnosis, a debt or a separation nobody knows about yet, and now has to lie, deflect or disclose on the spot. If one of the likely answers is painful, the question is not small talk, however lightly it is said.
There is usually an audience
Most of these get asked at tables, in doorways and in line, with other people listening. A question someone might answer happily on a walk with you becomes a different one in front of an aunt, a child or a row of colleagues. If you would not want your own answer overheard, do not ask for theirs there.
Closeness changes the answer
A sister can ask what a neighbor cannot. Nearly everything in Love life, Kids and Money and work is fine between two people who already trade confidences, and wrong from someone who has not earned it. Hard times runs the other way: 'Did he smoke?' and 'Shouldn't you be over it by now?' hurt most from the people closest. Ask yourself whether this person would have told you by now if they wanted you to know.
Turning it into a question you can ask
Open the door wider
A narrow question has one sore answer. A wide one lets the person choose what to bring. 'What's new with you?' can be answered with a pregnancy, a promotion or a new bike, and you will hear about the first two when they are ready to be heard.
Wait for the announcement
Engagements, pregnancies, new jobs and house purchases are news that people enjoy delivering. Asking early does not get you the news sooner. It takes away the telling, or forces a 'not yet' that hurts to say.
Praise the choice, not the body
A comment on a jacket, a haircut or a pair of glasses compliments a decision the person made. A comment on weight, height, skin or age appraises something they did not pick. When in doubt, say you are happy to see them, which is nearly always the thing you meant.
Tell before you ask
With money, age, faith and politics, offering your own answer first changes the question from a probe into a trade. 'I pay more rent than I'd like to admit' lets the other person match you or laugh and move on. If they do not match it, you have your answer and nobody was cornered.
When one has already left your mouth
Withdraw it in the same breath
'Sorry, that's none of my business. Forget I asked.' Said at once and without fuss, it releases the other person from answering. Then change the subject yourself, so they are not left to do the rescuing.
Leave your good intentions out of it
'I only meant it as a compliment' asks the person to comfort you about a question that stung them. They generally know you meant well. One short apology is enough, and a second or third keeps the moment alive.
When a child asks it at full volume
Small children ask strangers about wheelchairs, skin, size and age out of curiosity, with no unkindness in it. A panicked hush can leave them thinking the person is something shameful. Answer quietly and plainly, 'People's bodies are all different,' apologize with a look if one seems wanted, and talk it over properly once you are home.
When you are the one being asked
A light line that shuts the subject
'You'll be the first to know.' 'Enough to pay the bills.' 'Old enough to know better.' A reply that sounds friendly and contains nothing works on most askers, who were making conversation and will take the hint.
Hand the question back
'Why do you ask?' said with real curiosity and no edge makes the asker hear their own question. Some will explain a worry you can answer without giving up anything private. Others will see what they did and drop it.
The plain no
'I'd rather not get into that' is a full sentence and needs no reason after it. Say it once, pleasantly, and offer a new subject straight away so the refusal does not hang in the air: 'Tell me about your trip.'
The relative who asks every year
A question that returns at each holiday is better dealt with before the meal than during it. A short call or message ahead of time, 'Please don't bring up the baby question on Sunday,' is easier for everyone than a scene at the table. Have someone on your side ready to change the subject if it comes up anyway.