Questions to Ask a Filipina Girl
Questions for getting to know a Filipina woman as an individual rather than as a representative of her country: where she grew up, her family and work, what she finds funny, and what she is planning. A few touch on being Filipino, but none of them ask her to give a lesson.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What has been keeping you busy lately?
Why ask it
An open, present-tense opener puts her ahead of her nationality and lets her set the depth of the conversation. It also gives you something specific to follow instead of a topic you chose in advance.
Where did you grow up, and what was the neighborhood like?
Why ask it
This is concrete and answerable: a city, a province, a street with a particular noise at six in the morning. You get specifics rather than a discussion of Filipino culture in general.
What is the last thing you ate or cooked that reminded you of home?
Why ask it
Food works when it is personal rather than educational. Asking what reminded her of home avoids the quiz format of asking her to name her national dish.
Who in your family are you closest to, and how often do you talk?
Why ask it
Closeness and frequency are the useful parts. Assuming family must be central because she is Filipina is the mistake here, and asking who and how often lets her tell you what is actually the case.
What do you do on a day off when nobody needs anything from you?
Why ask it
The framing matters, because people supporting relatives or working long shifts rarely get a day that is theirs. The answer shows how much slack there is in her life.
What kind of work do you do, and is it what you expected?
Why ask it
Whether the work matched the expectation is where the real story sits: a qualification that did not transfer, a job taken for the visa, a plan that changed. Ask it plainly and then stop talking.
What are you saving for at the moment?
Why ask it
What someone saves for shows priorities and obligations without asking about income. If the answer involves other people, that is worth understanding early rather than later.
Which language do you think in, and which one do you count in?
Why ask it
Lighter and more revealing than asking whether she speaks Tagalog. The Philippines has many languages, and which one carries her private thinking says more than a list of the ones she knows.
What do people usually get wrong about you when they first meet you?
Why ask it
Most people have a view on this. If the answer is about her accent, her age or assumptions about why she is with someone, you have just learned what she is tired of.
What is a food you have given up trying to explain to people?
Why ask it
It invites a complaint rather than a lecture, which is more fun for her. It also acknowledges that being asked to explain your own dinner gets old.
If you have family in other countries, how do you keep in touch?
Why ask it
Distance is a fact for many Filipino families and not for all, so the conditional keeps it from being an assumption. If it does apply, the calls, time zones and money sent home shape her week.
Which holiday matters most in your family, and what actually happens on the day?
Why ask it
Asking what happens beats asking how she celebrates. You want the food on the table, who hosts, who argues, who has to work through it.
What did your parents expect of you that you have kept, and what have you let go?
Why ask it
Kept and let go is the useful pair. It gives her room to describe her own position instead of speaking for a culture, and it is where a real conversation about values starts.
Growing up, who looked after whom in your house?
Why ask it
Care runs in both directions in many families, and older siblings often carried a lot of it. The answer explains a great deal about her sense of duty without you having to ask about it head on.
What are you good at that never comes up in conversation?
Why ask it
The skills that never come up are usually the ones she is quietly pleased about. It is also an easy way to move the conversation off origins and onto her.
What is the last thing that made you laugh until you could not speak?
Why ask it
A recent, physical memory is easier to produce than a favorite anything. It also shows you her sense of humor, which matters far more day to day than any shared background.
What is a place near where you grew up that you would take me to?
Why ask it
Asking for somewhere she would take you makes her a host rather than an informant. Expect somewhere unremarkable and specific, which is a good sign.
What do you want the next couple of years to look like?
Why ask it
Near-future plans are more honest than asking about dreams. Notice whether the plan involves staying, moving, studying or supporting someone else, since all four change what you are talking about.
What kind of person is easy for you to be around?
Why ask it
It tells you what she needs from company: quiet, humor, directness, someone who plans. It also gives you a straight answer about whether that is you.
Is there something you would rather I asked you about than your background?
Why ask it
Asking it out loud fixes the main flaw in lists like this one. If she says yes and names something else, that is the most useful answer of the conversation.
Getting this right
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Worth knowing first
The Philippines is not one culture
It is thousands of islands with many languages, including Tagalog, Cebuano, Ilocano and Hiligaynon, and regional differences in food, religion and humor. Someone from Manila and someone from Mindanao may have little in common, so ask where she is from before generalizing about anything.
Ask, do not assume, about family obligation
Many Filipinos support parents or siblings financially, and many do not. Treating it as given can come across as either a stereotype or a comment on her money, so let her raise it.
Notice the power difference if there is one
If you met online, or there is a large gap in age, income or immigration status, she may be weighing what a wrong answer costs her. That is a reason to move slowly and to be clear about your intentions.
What not to ask
Anything about visas, remittances or money early on
These questions signal that you are assessing her situation rather than getting to know her. If the subject is relevant to a relationship, it will come up on its own once there is trust.
Compliments about Filipina women as a group
Saying that Filipinas are famously loyal, or caring, or good with family, is a comment about a category rather than about her. Most women have heard it and know exactly what it usually precedes.
The cultural interview
Twenty questions in a row about traditions, dishes and holidays turns her into a tour guide. Aim for one or two, spread through a conversation that is mostly about her life.
Anything you would not ask someone from your own country
This is the simplest test. Questions about her family's income, her religion or why she is single are not made acceptable by curiosity about her background.