Questions to Ask a Pastor
Written for the first visit rather than the tenth year. Twenty questions a newcomer can reasonably put to a pastor before turning up or in the ten minutes after: what actually happens in a service and how long it runs, where the children go, who is welcome at communion, what people wear, whether anything is expected of you financially, and how anyone here ends up knowing anyone else. It is the practical set. If you have visited a few times and are now weighing up whether to commit, the questions aimed at deciding whether to join cover governance, money and accountability instead.
The questions
Open any question for the note
How would you describe this church to someone who has never been?
Why ask it
An easy opener, and a revealing one. Whether they lead with belief, with the building, or with the people tells you what they think the congregation is for.
What happens in a normal service here, from start to finish?
Why ask it
Practical and rarely asked. Length, when to stand, whether there is communion, what the music is like: knowing removes most of the discomfort of a first visit.
What do I do with my children during the service?
Why ask it
Every congregation handles this differently, and getting it wrong is the most common reason families do not come back. Ask about ages, rooms, and whether children stay in.
What does this church believe that a visitor might find surprising?
Why ask it
Invites the specific rather than the general. A pastor willing to name something that sets them apart is being straight with you; a purely reassuring answer tells you less.
Who is welcome at communion here?
Why ask it
Practice varies widely between traditions and even between congregations in the same one. Better to ask in advance than to guess at the front of a line.
How do people here actually get to know each other?
Why ask it
Ask for the mechanism, a small group, a meal, a work party, not the sentiment. If the answer is that people are friendly, that usually means there is no route in for a newcomer.
If I wanted to help with something, what is most needed right now?
Why ask it
The honest answers are usually unglamorous: childcare, setting up chairs, driving someone to appointments. What they name shows where the congregation is stretched.
Is anything expected of me financially if I start coming regularly?
Why ask it
Better settled early than guessed at when the plate reaches you. Ask whether a proportion is taught, whether anyone is told what members give, and what happens if you give nothing.
What can I bring to you, and what should go to a counselor or a doctor?
Why ask it
Pastors are not therapists, and the good ones say so early. Knowing the line in advance means you will get help from the right place when you need it.
Is what I tell you confidential, and where are the limits?
Why ask it
Ask this before you need it. Clergy confidentiality has real limits, and in many places clergy are mandatory reporters for suspected harm to a child or a vulnerable adult.
How would I find out what is happening here during the week?
Why ask it
A newsletter, a group chat, a noticeboard, or word of mouth in the car park. Congregations that run on word of mouth are the hardest to join, and knowing that early saves months of feeling half informed.
What do people actually wear on a Sunday here?
Why ask it
A small thing that stops a surprising number of people coming at all. Ask what the range looks like rather than what is allowed, because the useful answer describes the room rather than the rules.
Is there someone here you would introduce me to on my first Sunday?
Why ask it
Turns an anonymous visit into two conversations. Most pastors can name the person who is good at this, and being handed to someone specific predicts coming back better than anything said from the front.
How does this church handle a death, from the phone call to the funeral?
Why ask it
Very practical, and worth knowing before you need it. Ask who to call, what the church does for the family in the first week, and whether there is a cost.
Will you visit someone in the hospital if we ask?
Why ask it
Pastoral visiting varies more than people expect, especially in larger congregations. Ask who does it and how they find out someone is ill.
What has this congregation been through recently that I should know about?
Why ask it
Splits, a departure, a building project, a scandal: most churches have a recent history that shapes the atmosphere. A candid answer here is a good sign.
What is a question you wish people asked you more often?
Why ask it
Turns the conversation over to them for a moment. What they choose usually points at something they carry that the congregation does not see.
What tends to put visitors off here, in your experience?
Why ask it
Invites honesty about the parking, the length, the music, or the average age of the room. A pastor who can name something has been paying attention to how the place feels from outside it.
What do you do when you do not know the answer to something?
Why ask it
Placed late on purpose. A pastor who can say plainly that they do not know is more useful to you over years than one with an answer for everything.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Why ask it
Rarely asked and often remembered. Pastors are asked for things constantly, and the answer, even if it is a small practical thing, changes the relationship.
Talking with a pastor
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Getting the time
- Email the office or ask directly for half an hour rather than trying to talk on a Sunday morning. That is the busiest half hour of a pastor's week.
- Say briefly what you want to discuss. It is not an interrogation, and a little notice means you get considered answers.
- In a larger church you may be directed to an associate pastor or a staff member. That is normal and often better, since they usually have more time.
- If you would rather not meet at the church, suggest somewhere else. Most will agree without needing a reason.
What a pastor can and cannot do
- Pastoral care is not therapy. Many pastors will offer a few conversations and then refer you on, and a good one tells you that at the start.
- In an emergency involving safety or suicidal thoughts, contact emergency services or a crisis line. A pastor can sit with you through it but is not the first call.
- Clergy confidentiality has limits that vary by jurisdiction and denomination. In many places clergy must report suspected abuse of a child or vulnerable adult. Ask rather than assume.
- Financial help, food, and housing referrals are often available through a church even when it is not advertised. Ask plainly; it is a normal request.
If you are deciding whether to stay
- Go three or four times before judging. Congregations vary week to week and one visit tells you very little.
- Ask to see the annual report or budget. How readily that is handed over is itself an answer.
- Ask how the congregation is governed and who can be a leader here. Denominational structures differ enormously and this is where differences on gender, sexuality and authority become concrete.
- If the answers do not sit right with you, it is reasonable to visit elsewhere. Saying so honestly is kinder than drifting away without a word.