Questions to Ask a Personal Reference
For a hiring manager, landlord or volunteer coordinator about to call a personal reference, also called a character reference: a friend, neighbor, coach or teacher who knows the applicant but never employed them or rented to them. The questions follow the call, from how the two know each other, through character, reliability and how the person handles pressure and conflict, to what this reference cannot tell you and how to close. Each has a note on what a good or a worrying answer sounds like, and since what you may ask differs from place to place, check how it works where you are.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The relationship
How do you know the applicant, and how long have you known them?
Why ask it
Everything else on the call is weighed against this answer. A coach of four seasons or a neighbor of ten years has seen the person through good stretches and bad ones, while someone who met them last spring is describing a first impression. Write the years down beside the name before you go on.
How often do you see or talk to them now?
Why ask it
A reference who was close to the applicant in school and has traded birthday messages since is describing someone from the past. Regular contact means the account is current. If it has been years, ask what they think has changed, and treat the rest as history.
Where have you mostly seen them: at home, on a team, in a classroom, in a community group?
Why ask it
Someone who knows the applicant only across a dinner table cannot tell you how they behave with a task and a deadline. Settings with duties in them, such as a team, a committee or a shared house, sit closer to what you are deciding. Use the answer to pick which later questions this person can answer at all.
Have the two of you ever worked on something together, paid or unpaid?
Why ask it
Shared work is the nearest a character reference comes to an employer's view: a fundraiser, a house move, a group project, a season. Ask who did what and how it ended. If there was nothing, stay with the questions about character and go lightly on the ones about getting things done.
Are you related to them, by family or by marriage?
Why ask it
Ask it plainly, since a cousin or an in-law can sit on a reference list under a different surname. A relative may still tell you something useful, but the praise counts for less and you will want another name. If your form asks for references outside the family, this is where you find out whether it was followed.
What have they told you about what they are applying for?
Why ask it
An applicant who briefed their reference took the application seriously, and the reference can then answer for this job, lease or placement in particular. If they know nothing, describe it in two sentences before you continue. Surprise at being called at all is worth a note and a question to the applicant afterwards.
Character
How would you describe them to someone who has never met them?
Why ask it
Open questions go first so the reference chooses the ground. Note which qualities they reach for unprompted, because those are the ones they are surest of. A description that is all warmth and no detail, such as 'great person, heart of gold', calls for one more question: when did you see that?
What do you admire most about them?
Why ask it
Friends answer this easily, so the content matters more than the enthusiasm. Hold the quality against what you need: 'the most fun person I know' is real praise and says nothing to a landlord, while 'she does what she says' speaks to nearly any decision.
How do they get along with other people in a group, such as a team, a class or a shared house?
Why ask it
A friend mostly knows the applicant one to one, so point the question at a group the reference has watched them in. What you want is the part they usually take: the organizer, the one who joins in, the one who hangs back, or the one who pulls against the rest. None is wrong in itself, and a volunteer crew or a shared building will get the same person.
Would you call them an honest person, and what have you seen that makes you say so?
Why ask it
Nobody answers no to the first half, so the weight is all on the second. A good answer is an incident: money handed back, a mistake owned before anyone noticed, an awkward truth told to a friend. If the reference can only repeat that the applicant is honest, you have learned that they like them.
Can you think of a time they did the right thing when it cost them something?
Why ask it
This is the harder version of the honesty question, and not every reference will have a story. One who does usually tells it quickly and with detail. A long silence is no black mark on the applicant, since it may only mean the friendship has never been tested that way.
Have you ever trusted them with something that mattered: your keys, your kids, your money, a secret?
Why ask it
Trust that was acted on is stronger evidence than trust that is declared. Ask what it was and how it turned out. 'I would, I just never needed to' is a fair answer from a newer friend and a thinner one from someone who has known the person for fifteen years.
How do they treat people who can do nothing for them?
Why ask it
You are asking about waiters, younger players, the new kid in the class, the neighbor nobody talks to. For a volunteer role with children or vulnerable adults this may be the most useful answer on the call. A general 'kind to everyone' is not enough, so ask for one occasion the reference was there to see.
How do they talk about people who are not in the room?
Why ask it
A reference who is a friend has heard the applicant on former bosses, landlords, exes and teammates. Fair, even when hurt, is the answer you hope for. If every past landlord or manager was the villain of the story, expect to be cast the same way one day.
When they are in the wrong, what do they do about it?
Why ask it
Close friends have nearly always been on the receiving end of an apology, or of the lack of one. The good answer has an action in it: they called, they paid for it, they fixed it. 'Oh, they would never admit it', said with a laugh, is affection and still an answer.
What do they give their time to when nobody is asking them to?
Why ask it
The answer might be a youth team, an older relative or the neighbors' fences, or it might be nothing much, which is no fault in itself. A volunteer coordinator should hear whether this role continues something the person already does or would be the first time they have given hours away. If it is a first, spell out the weekly commitment before they sign up.
How do other people who know them tend to talk about them?
Why ask it
It lets the reference report a reputation instead of giving a verdict, which some people find easier to do honestly. Agreement between the reference's own view and the general one is reassuring. 'People either love them or find them a lot' is useful, and worth a follow-up about who falls into the second group.
Is there one story that sums them up for you?
Why ask it
Leave a pause after asking, since a good story takes a moment to choose. What the reference picks shows what they think matters most about the person. Check afterwards whether the story is about how enjoyable the applicant is or about how they behave, because only the second helps you decide.
Every friend has a habit that drives you up the wall. What is theirs?
Why ask it
Framed as ordinary friendship, a fault is easy to admit. Set whatever comes against the role: a friend who runs late is a problem on a roster and nothing much in a tenant, and one who takes over the planning may be exactly who a committee needs. A reference who insists there is nothing either does not know the applicant well or is selling.
Reliability
When they say they will do something, does it get done?
Why ask it
Listen to how fast the answer comes and whether it carries a condition. 'Always' from a teammate of three years needs nothing added. 'Eventually', 'if you remind them' or a fond laugh describes a person you would have to chase, which matters more for a rent date or a shift than for a friendship.
Are they on time when someone is counting on them?
Why ask it
Friends forgive lateness that an employer or a volunteer roster cannot, so ask about occasions with a fixed start: a game, a ride to the airport, a shift. 'Late to parties, early to practice' is a perfectly good answer. Chronic lateness told as a running joke is still chronic.
When there is work to be done, such as a move, a cleanup or an event, what part do they take?
Why ask it
This is as near as a friend can get to describing work ethic. The answer you hope for names a job, like running the sign-in table or staying to stack the chairs. 'They keep everyone's spirits up' is pleasant and may mean someone else did the lifting, so ask who was still there at the end.
Have you ever split rent, a bill or a trip with them, and how did the money side go?
Why ask it
This is the landlord's question, asked about the reference's own experience and nothing beyond it. What you hope to hear is that their share arrived without anyone having to bring it up. Stop there: the applicant's income and debts are not the reference's to tell, and if you need them, ask how checks of that kind work where you are.
How do they look after things that are not theirs?
Why ask it
Small things count here. A lender remembers whether the drill came back clean and whether the team van had fuel in it, and the same habits carry into a rented apartment or a job with equipment. If the answer is vague, ask whether they have ever lent the applicant anything, since a reference who has not is guessing.
Have you lived with them or been to their place often, and how do they keep it?
Why ask it
For a landlord, a former housemate is about the most useful personal reference there is. Ask about noise, guests and the state of shared rooms, and about what happened when something broke. Skip it for a job or a volunteer role, where how a person keeps their kitchen is none of your business.
What is the longest they have stuck with a commitment that you have seen?
Why ask it
Staying power shows in what a person kept doing after the novelty went, so ask how long it lasted and what the dull middle looked like. A reference who can only name things the applicant began with great energy has told you something a coordinator about to spend weeks on training needs to know.
What happens when they have taken on too much?
Why ask it
Some people say so early, some go quiet, and some cancel on the day. A friend has seen which, because friends are the first to be canceled on. If the answer is that plans get dropped at the last minute, ask whether that reached commitments to a team or a class as well.
If you needed help at short notice, would you call them, and have you?
Why ask it
The second half turns an opinion into an event. A reference who can say 'she drove two hours when my car died' has answered several earlier questions at once. If they would call someone else first, ask what they would call the applicant for instead, because the reply names the applicant's real strength.
Pressure and conflict
How do they act when they are under real stress?
Why ask it
Ask for a particular time, such as exams, a move, a losing season or a family emergency, and for what the reference saw from the outside. Someone who goes quiet or gets short with people under strain is workable if you know it in advance, and someone who vanishes is harder. Keep to behavior and leave the cause of the stress alone.
Have you seen them have to make a quick decision with nobody to ask, and what did they do?
Why ask it
A friend cannot rate judgment in the abstract, but most can remember a child hurt at practice, a breakdown on the road or a party that got out of hand. The reassuring version has the applicant doing the sensible thing and then telling someone. Be warier of a story in which they froze or carried on as though nothing had happened, above all for a role where they would be alone with other people's children or property.
Can you tell me about a disagreement the two of you had and how it ended?
Why ask it
A friendship of any length has had one, so 'we have never argued' can mean the two are not that close, or that the reference is being careful. Take in how the applicant argued and who made the first move to mend it. The ending matters most: settled and forgotten is good, and so is settled and still remembered fairly.
What are they like when they are angry?
Why ask it
Blunt, and better asked that way than dressed up. Going quiet or needing an hour alone is ordinary. Raised voices, slammed doors or grudges that run for months are worth weighing wherever the role involves the public, children or shared walls.
How do they take being corrected or coached?
Why ask it
Coaches and teachers answer this best, because correcting the applicant was their job. The good version has a change in it: they adjusted at the next practice, or they asked how to fix it. From a friend, 'defensive at first, then comes round' is honest, and tells a manager to give feedback and wait a day.
How have you seen them handle a big disappointment?
Why ask it
It might be a team they did not make, a place they lost out on or a plan that collapsed. What matters is the weeks afterward, and whether they sulked, blamed someone, regrouped or tried again. Let the reference choose the example, and do not dig into anything about health, family or money that they would rather leave out.
How do they deal with someone they simply do not get along with?
Why ask it
Every team, building and volunteer crew has that person. Civil distance is a fine answer. So is 'they had it out and it was better afterwards'. The worrying version has the applicant recruiting other people to their side, which is what turns one difficult relationship into a problem for the whole group.
What do they do with a rule they think is pointless?
Why ask it
Tenancies and volunteer programs run on rules that will not always make sense to the person following them. Following it and raising it with someone is the answer to hope for. 'They ignore it' is useful to hear before you hand over a lease or a safeguarding policy, and so is 'they argue until it changes'.
When plans change at the last minute, how do they react?
Why ask it
A friend sees this constantly: the canceled trip, the venue that fell through, the ride that did not come. Easygoing or rattled, it tells you how the person would take a changed shift, a delayed repair or a reassigned task. Ask what they did next, since the first reaction matters less than the recovery.
Have you seen them leave something, such as a team, a job or a shared house, and how did they go about it?
Why ask it
The way a person leaves is the part you will one day experience yourself. You hope to hear that they gave notice, played out the season or left the room clean. A string of sudden exits with someone else at fault each time is a pattern, though one such story is only a story.
Limits
Which parts of their life have you never seen?
Why ask it
It gives the reference permission to say 'I have no idea what they are like at work', which most would otherwise paper over with something kind. Take the answer as a map of the gaps, and fill them with a different reference or with questions to the applicant.
How much of what you have told me did you see yourself, and how much did they tell you?
Why ask it
Friends hear the applicant's side of every job and every falling out, and repeat it in good faith. Asked gently, most will sort the two for you. Whatever they only heard about is the applicant's own account arriving by a second route, and should be weighed as that.
Here is the part of this that matters most to me. Have you seen them do anything like it?
Why ask it
Name the one thing your decision turns on before you ask: handling cash, working alone with young people, living quietly above a family. A reference who has seen something similar will say so with an example. 'No, but I'm sure they would be great' is goodwill, and should be written down as no.
Is there any part of this you think they would find hard?
Why ask it
Predicting is easier for a friend than criticizing, so the reservation you could not get earlier often arrives here. Compare whatever is named, whether early mornings, paperwork or taking instructions, with how much of it the role holds. 'Nothing at all' from someone who knows them well is rare, so ask once more.
Is there anything about them you would rather I asked them myself?
Why ask it
A friend sometimes knows something that is not theirs to tell, and this lets them point toward it without telling it. If the answer is yes, do not press for the detail. Should they name a subject, put an open question about it to the applicant and let the applicant decide how much to say.
Who has seen them as an employee, a tenant or a volunteer that I could also speak to?
Why ask it
A personal reference vouches for character and cannot confirm a work record or a rental history. Ask who could, then go back to the applicant for permission and contact details before calling anyone new. If there is no such person because this is a first job or a first lease, the personal references simply carry more of the load.
Closing
Having heard what I am deciding, would you back them for it?
Why ask it
Save it until the person on the phone knows enough about the role or the tenancy to speak to this one and not to the applicant in general. Nearly every friend says yes, so listen to what comes with it. A yes that arrives with a because carries more than a louder yes with none.
If it were your house, your team or your program, would you take them on?
Why ask it
Putting the reference in your seat makes the question cost something. Friends who would happily praise a person will sometimes stop at 'well, as a tenant' or 'for that age group, hmm'. An instant yes is the best thing you can hear on a character call.
Has anything ever made you hesitate about vouching for them?
Why ask it
Asked calmly, near the end, it gets a straighter answer than you might expect. Most say no, and an easy no is reassuring. If something comes out, thank them, ask whether it is in the past, and take it to the applicant as a question, never as an accusation resting on one phone call.
Do you know of any reason they should not work with children or with adults who need care?
Why ask it
Ask it only when the role involves either, and in words this plain. A quick, untroubled no is the ordinary answer. Anything else, a long pause included, goes to whoever is responsible for safeguarding in your organization before you take another step, and the question never stands in for the formal checks your organization or local rules call for.
What would help them settle in well here?
Why ask it
Advice is easier to give than judgment, and it is often where the practical truth sits: tell them things straight, give them a written list, check in during the first week. Each tip is also a small disclosure about what the applicant needs, so note it either way.
Is there anything I have not asked about that you think I should hear?
Why ask it
Then wait. People who agreed to vouch for a friend sometimes carry one thing no question gave them a way to say, good or bad. What follows a long pause is often the most considered sentence of the call.
Is this the best number if I have one more question later?
Why ask it
It leaves the door open if two references disagree or the applicant's account raises something new. Take down the number and a good time of day. A reference who would rather not be contacted again has usually said all they are willing to, which is worth knowing too.
How to run a personal reference call
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you call
Know what this call is for
A personal reference, sometimes called a character reference, is someone who knows the applicant from outside a boss's or a landlord's seat: a friend, neighbor, coach, teacher, mentor or faith leader. They can speak to character, honesty and how the person treats others. They cannot confirm a job title, a rent record or how the applicant takes direction at work, so do not ask the call to do that job.
Tell the applicant first
Let the applicant know which day you will be phoning and roughly what you will ask, and suggest they brief the people they named. Call only those people. A reference who has been told about the job, home or volunteer role gives answers about it. One caught cold gives pleasantries.
Confirm who is on the line
Open by checking the name, how they know the applicant and that now is a good time. If the relationship turns out to be different from what the form says, such as a partner or relative listed as a friend, note it and ask the applicant for another name.
Choose about ten questions
Plan on ten to fifteen minutes, which is about what you can fairly ask of someone giving their time for free. Take two or three from The relationship, then the questions from each later group that bear on your decision. A landlord will lean on Reliability, a volunteer coordinator on Character and on Pressure and conflict, and a hiring manager on whichever the job tests hardest.
Ask every reference the same core set
Use the same handful of questions for each reference and each applicant. Answers can then be compared, and nobody is judged on a harder call than someone else got.
Phone if you can, a form if you must
A written form gets a considered answer and loses the pause, the laugh and the 'well' that carry the most on a character call. If your process needs the reference in writing, keep the form short and phone about any answer that came back as a single word.
Weighing a friend's praise
Start from the fact that they were chosen
The applicant picked this person because they expected kind words, and a friend's loyalty is to the friend. Warmth on its own is therefore the baseline and tells you little. What tells you something is detail, and anything that falls short of warmth.
Stories over adjectives
'Reliable', 'honest' and 'lovely' cost nothing to say. An incident with a place, a year and a consequence is harder to invent on the spot. After any general answer, ask when they saw that, and count the answers that came with an example.
Seen, or heard about
A friend knows much of the applicant's life from the applicant's own telling. Praise for how they handled a bad boss is the applicant's version, passed on. Give full weight only to what the reference watched happen.
Years and settings
A lukewarm sentence from a coach who saw the person twice a week for four years can outweigh a glowing one from a friend of six months. Weigh each reference by how long they have known the applicant, how recently, and whether they ever saw them carry a responsibility.
Where two references meet
One call is one opinion. When two people who do not know each other describe the same strength, or hesitate at the same question, that is the nearest a character check comes to evidence. Where they contradict each other, ask the applicant about it openly.
What a personal reference cannot tell you
Work record and rental history
Dates, duties, attendance and whether the rent arrived are known to employers and landlords, and a friend can only repeat what they were told. If the applicant has such people, speak to them as well. The personal reference adds to that picture and seldom replaces it.
First job, first lease, first placement
Students, young people and those returning after a long gap may have nobody but teachers, coaches and family friends to name. Then favor the references with the most structure around the relationship: a teacher saw deadlines, a coach saw attendance, a youth leader saw the person given a task.
Screening that a call does not replace
Roles with children or vulnerable adults, and some tenancies and jobs, come with formal checks that differ from place to place and from one organization to the next. A warm phone call is not one of them. Ask whoever sets policy for your organization, or the relevant local authority, what is required before you rely on references alone.
A good friend is not always a good fit
Someone can be a loyal friend and still be wrong for a night shift, a quiet building or a role with strict procedures. Keep the reference's evidence on character apart from your own judgment of fit, which rests on the interview, the application and anyone who saw the person work or rent.
What not to ask
Personal details that should play no part
Leave out age, health, disability, religion, ethnicity, sexuality, marital status, pregnancy and plans for a family. A friend may know all of these and mention them innocently. Do not write them down or follow up. Which characteristics are protected, and in which decisions, depends on where you are and what you are deciding, so ask your HR contact, your organization or a local housing or employment body how it works there.
The reason behind a hard time
It is fair to ask how the applicant behaved under strain. It is not fair to ask a friend what the strain was. Illness, a breakup, a death in the family or trouble with money belong to the applicant, who can tell you as much as they choose.
Finances and background, at second hand
Do not ask a friend what the applicant earns, owes or has on any record. The reference would be guessing, and the applicant has not agreed to it. If income or background checks are part of your process, run them the way your local rules and your own policy set out, with the applicant's knowledge.
Questions with the answer inside
'They are reliable, would you say?' gets a yes from anybody. Ask what happens when they promise something, and let the reference find the word. The same goes for reading out the applicant's own claims and asking for agreement.
Making the friend feel on trial
A personal reference is doing an unpaid favor and may never have taken a call like this. Say at the start how long it will take, ask the harder questions in a level voice, and thank them at the end. People who feel cross-examined stop offering detail.