Questions to Ask a Russian
Questions for getting to know a Russian colleague, classmate, exchange student, date or language partner, written for anyone who wants to ask about more than vodka and the cold. They run the way the conversation tends to go: Hometown first, then Food, Traditions, Growing Up, Words and Humor, and Bigger Topics for someone you already know a little. Each has a note on what the answer tends to sound like and when to drop the subject, and the guide explains why politics and the war are theirs to raise, not yours.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Hometown
Where in Russia are you from, and how would I get there from here?
Why ask it
Russia covers eleven time zones, so the route may be a second flight as long as the first or several nights on a train. Asking for the journey, not 'are you from Moscow?', lets them put their own city on the map. Pull one up and have them show you before you ask anything else.
What is your hometown known for inside Russia that nobody abroad has heard of?
Why ask it
Expect a factory, a hockey club, a kind of gingerbread or a writer who was born there. A long, fond answer means you can stay on the subject of home all evening. A quick 'nothing, really' can mean they were glad to leave, so try asking where they would choose to live instead.
What did winter really look like where you grew up?
Why ask it
Someone from Sochi will describe rain and palm trees, and someone from Siberia will tell you the temperature at which school was called off. The clothes and how long the dark lasted are the details to draw out. It retires the 'is it always freezing' joke without your having to make it.
If I came to visit, which month should I pick and where would you take me first?
Why ask it
People argue with themselves over the month: June for the long northern evenings, September for the gold, or January for the full effect. The first stop is rarely a monument. It tends to be a riverbank, a market or a grandmother's kitchen, which tells you what home means to them.
Did your family have a dacha, and what was your job there?
Why ask it
A dacha is a plot outside the city with a small house and vegetable beds, and children are often put to work on it. Listen for whether it is told as paradise or as forced potato labor, since both versions are common and both are funny. Not every family has one, so a 'no' just moves you on to where the summers went.
Did you grow up in an apartment block, and what went on in the courtyard?
Why ask it
For many city children the courtyard between the buildings was the whole social world: the swings, the bench of grandmothers who knew everything, games that ran until someone was called in from a window. Someone raised in a village or a house of their own will draw a different map, so ask who lived next door.
Is there another city that yours has a rivalry with?
Why ask it
Moscow and St. Petersburg argue even over vocabulary, with different everyday words for a curb and for the entrance to an apartment building. Other regions have a neighbor they tease in the same spirit. Let them do the teasing and do not pick a side.
What is the longest train ride you have taken, and what do you remember about it?
Why ask it
Overnight trains have customs of their own: tea in a glass with a metal holder, bedding handed out by the carriage attendant, food shared with strangers in the compartment. People who rode one as a child usually remember which bunk they fought for. Someone who has only ever flown will have little to add, so move on.
Food
What would you cook to show me what food at home is really like?
Why ask it
Home cooking and the 'Russian food' on a restaurant menu are two different lists. Notice whether the dish is even Russian in origin: plov, shashlik and Georgian khachapuri are everyday food in plenty of Russian kitchens. Should an invitation follow, say yes.
Was there soup on the table every day when you were a kid?
Why ask it
Plenty of Russians were raised on the rule that a proper midday meal starts with soup. Ask which one they would defend, borscht, shchi, solyanka or a cold summer okroshka, and who made it best. Leave the argument about which country borscht belongs to alone unless they bring it up.
Which food from home do you end up having to explain to people here?
Why ask it
Kholodets, a savory meat jelly, and the layered beet salad called herring under a fur coat are the usual ones, along with buckwheat and kvass. Your face is being watched while they describe it. Curiosity gets you an invitation to try some, and a grimace ends the subject.
Did your family make pelmeni by hand or buy them frozen, and what goes on top?
Why ask it
Families that make these dumplings tend to make hundreds at once, with everyone folding, and the story is about who was fast and who was sloppy. The topping, sour cream, butter, vinegar or broth, is treated as a matter of principle. Ask it of a student and you will mostly hear about the freezer.
How do you take your tea, and what has to be on the table next to it?
Why ask it
An invitation 'for tea' rarely means only tea: there will be jam, lemon, sweets or small dry bread rings, and a strong view on tea bags. A coffee drinker can be teased gently about what the parents make of that.
What happens when a guest walks into your family's home?
Why ask it
Shoes off and a pair of house slippers handed over is the detail most people mention first, followed by a table that fills up whether or not you said you were hungry. Useful if you are ever invited: ask what a guest should bring and what would be awkward to turn down.
What did your school cafeteria serve, and is there any of it you still crave?
Why ask it
Cafeteria food is a memory shared across generations: porridge, a cutlet with mashed potato, a cottage cheese bake, a glass of fruit compote. Most people have one dish they still want and one they cannot look at. Ask for both.
Traditions
What does New Year's Eve look like in your family?
Why ask it
For many Russian families this, not Christmas, is the big night of the year: a decorated tree, a table planned days ahead, mandarins, the clock chiming midnight, presents from Grandfather Frost. The dishes that have to be on the table are a conversation of their own. Someone spending it far from home may go quiet, so offer to hear about the menu and leave it there.
Which film is always on at New Year, whether or not anyone is watching?
Why ask it
The usual answer is The Irony of Fate, a Soviet comedy shown on television around every New Year. Have them describe the plot in one breath, then watch the opening together if there is time. Younger people may name a different film just to be contrary.
What happens on your birthday at home, and who brings the cake?
Why ask it
In many Russian schools and offices the person having the birthday is the one who brings the sweets, the reverse of what a lot of visitors expect. Plenty of people also think it is bad luck to be congratulated before the day itself. A colleague's answer tells you what to do, and what not to send early, when theirs comes round.
Does your family keep Orthodox Christmas or Easter, and what happens on the day?
Why ask it
Orthodox Christmas falls on January 7, and Easter brings dyed eggs and a tall sweet bread called kulich. Find out before you assume, though: many families are not religious, and Russia also has a large Muslim population and Buddhist and Jewish communities with calendars of their own.
What are you supposed to do for the women you know on March 8?
Why ask it
International Women's Day is a public holiday in Russia and a serious occasion for flowers, for mothers, colleagues and classmates alike. Opinion on it splits, with some people loving it and others finding it dated, so ask which camp they are in. Anyone planning to bring flowers should also hear about the custom of giving an odd number.
What is Maslenitsa, and what do you put on your pancakes?
Why ask it
The week before Lent is given over to thin pancakes called blini, and in many towns it ends with a straw figure of winter going up in flames. The toppings argument, sour cream, condensed milk, jam or red caviar, will tell you more than the history does. Someone who has never bothered with it will say so, and that is an answer too.
Which superstition do you still follow even though you do not believe in it?
Why ask it
Sitting down for a quiet moment before leaving on a trip, never whistling indoors and never shaking hands across a doorway are the ones you will hear most. The fun is in the 'I do not believe it, but'. Ask what is supposed to happen if you break one, and then do not break it in front of them.
Have you been to a banya, and what is the right way to do it?
Why ask it
A banya is a steam bath, and devotees have firm rules about the felt hat, the bundle of birch twigs and the cold plunge afterward. A person who loves it will talk for ten minutes. A person who shrugs was probably dragged there as a child, which is the better story.
Growing Up
What was the first of September like at your school?
Why ask it
The school year opens with a ceremony: children dressed up, armfuls of flowers for the teachers, and a first grader ringing a bell from an older student's shoulders. Some people loved it and some dreaded it, and they will tell you which without being asked. Nearly every family has a photo of this day, so ask to see theirs.
Did you stay with the same classmates all the way through school?
Why ask it
In many Russian schools one class moves through the years together, sometimes from age seven to graduation. That produces friendships and feuds a decade long, and often a class group chat that is still going. Arrangements differ, so ask how it worked at their school and who they still talk to.
Which poem did you have to learn by heart, and how much of it can you still say?
Why ask it
Memorizing verse is a staple of Russian schooling, and Pushkin is the likeliest answer. Ask to hear a few lines in Russian even if you understand none of it, because the sound is the point. Most people are surprised by how much comes back.
Which book on the school reading list did you love, and which one did school ruin for you?
Why ask it
Tolstoy, Dostoevsky and Gogol are assigned to teenagers, with mixed results. The one they name with real warmth, for many people Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita, is the one to ask more about. Resist the urge to show how much Russian literature you have read.
How did the grading work, and what happened at home when you brought back a bad mark?
Why ask it
The traditional scale runs from five at the top down to two for a fail, and marks went into a diary that a parent had to sign. Younger people may describe an electronic version, so ask how theirs worked. The story about hiding or doctoring the diary is the one you want.
What were you signed up for after school: music, chess, a sport, dancing?
Why ask it
Clubs and sports sections fill a lot of Russian childhoods, and music school in particular is an institution of its own with years of exams. Listen for the mix of resentment and gratitude, which usually arrive together. Someone who still plays or competes will often agree to show you.
What part did your grandparents play in raising you?
Why ask it
Grandmothers often do a great deal of the childcare, and whole summers at a grandparent's house are a common memory. This can touch on a loss, so let a short answer stay short. And do not use 'babushka' as a joke word for an old woman; it simply means grandmother.
Which cartoons did you grow up on?
Why ask it
The answer dates a person. Soviet classics such as Nu, Pogodi!, Cheburashka and Hedgehog in the Fog belong to parents and older siblings, and Masha and the Bear to the young. Find a two-minute clip and watch it together, since most of them need no translation.
What was the final school exam like, and how did people you know get into university?
Why ask it
School leavers now sit a unified state exam whose scores decide university places, and the tutoring and nerves around it are a rite of passage. Anyone who finished school before it came in went through a different system, so ask which one they had. Good for classmates and exchange students comparing notes.
Which sport did everyone around you play or watch?
Why ask it
Hockey, figure skating, football and biathlon are the likely candidates, and many neighborhoods flood a rink in the courtyard each winter. Whether they can skate is the natural follow-up. A flat 'I hated gym class' is a perfectly good answer and tends to come with a story.
Words and Humor
What do people call you at home, and how many versions of your name are there?
Why ask it
Russian first names come with a ladder of short and affectionate forms: an Aleksandr can be Sasha, Sanya or Shura depending on who is speaking. Ask which form you should use, and use it. Moving to the short form is a small sign of closeness, so wait to be invited.
Which Russian word should I learn first, and how do I say it properly?
Why ask it
Push past the textbook greeting to the word they say most in a day. It is often 'davai', which does duty as 'let's', 'OK', 'go on' and 'bye'. Say it back and let them correct where the stress falls.
How would I politely address your parents or your boss in Russian?
Why ask it
The formal way is first name plus patronymic, a middle name built from the father's first name, as in Ivan Petrovich. Have them work out what yours would be. It is a two-minute lesson that prevents a real mistake if you ever meet the family.
When do you switch from the formal 'vy' to the informal 'ty' with someone?
Why ask it
Everyone has a personal rule, and some colleagues stay on 'vy' for years. Language partners should ask this early and then ask which one the two of you are using. A pause before the answer means stay formal until they suggest the change.
What does 'da nyet, navernoe' really mean?
Why ask it
Word for word it is 'yes no, probably', and it means something like 'probably not'. Russians enjoy this one because few of them have ever had to explain it. Get them to say it with three different intonations and guess the meaning each time.
Which part of Russian do foreigners never quite get right?
Why ask it
Candidates include the vowel written ы, the six cases, stress that moves around inside a word and the many verbs for going somewhere. Learners can go one further and ask which of their own mistakes is the most noticeable. A blunt answer here is a favor.
In Russian, what separates a friend from someone you just know?
Why ask it
The word 'drug' is kept for a small number of close people, and there are separate words for a pal and an acquaintance. Hearing where they draw the line explains why 'my friend from work' can sound odd to them. Ask which word they would use for a classmate, a neighbor and a colleague.
Which saying did you hear most often at home?
Why ask it
Ask for the literal translation first and the meaning second. 'Better a hundred friends than a hundred rubles' and 'the quieter you go, the further you get' are common ones, and whichever a family repeated says something about what it valued. Offer one from your own family in return.
Can you tell me a Russian joke and then explain why it is funny?
Why ask it
The short joke, or anekdot, is a genre of its own with recurring characters such as the schoolboy Vovochka and the spy Stirlitz. Most of them lose everything in translation, and the explanation is the entertaining part. Laugh at the effort, then trade one of yours that fails just as badly.
Which lines from old films does everyone quote?
Why ask it
Soviet comedies such as The Diamond Arm and Ivan Vasilievich Changes Profession have supplied catchphrases for generations. They will struggle to translate the line and insist it is funnier in Russian, which it is. Write the film title down, because watching it gives you something to report back on.
Which song does everybody know the words to, whatever their age?
Why ask it
It might be a song from a children's cartoon, something by the rock band Kino, or a tune that comes out whenever someone picks up a guitar. Have them play it on their phone. If they sing along without noticing, you have found the right one.
Bigger Topics
Which joke about Russians have you heard one time too many?
Why ask it
Vodka, bears, the cold and the film villain's accent make up the standard list. Asking lets them name the one they are sick of, and the useful response is to retire it for good. A weary look before the answer tells you how often it happens.
Were you raised not to smile at strangers, or is that a myth about Russians?
Why ask it
A common explanation is that a smile is meant for people you know and should have a reason behind it, so a neutral face in public is not unfriendliness. What they made of all the smiling the first time they traveled abroad is usually the funnier half. It clears up a misreading on both sides.
What do people here do that would get a strange look in Russia?
Why ask it
Shoes worn indoors, ice in every drink, sitting on cold stone steps and going out with wet hair are regular entries. Each one usually comes with a warning a grandmother gave, and the warning quoted word for word is the best part. Leave it out with someone who lives in Russia, since there is no 'here' to compare.
What do films and TV shows get wrong when they write a Russian character?
Why ask it
Gangsters, spies, garbled Russian on signs and women given the men's form of a surname all come up. People who enjoy this question keep a mental list. Ask whether any foreign production got it right, which is the harder half.
Has anything you meant politely ever come across as blunt here?
Why ask it
Directness is often meant as respect: an honest opinion, little small talk, and 'how are you' treated as a real question. For colleagues this is the most practical question on the page, because the natural follow-up is how they would like to get criticism from you. Take any example about your own country without defending it.
What were you told about my country when you were growing up?
Why ask it
Now you are the one being summed up in a sentence, which is only fair after an hour of questions about Russia. Some of it will be unflattering and some oddly accurate. Laugh where you can, correct very little, and find out where they first heard it.
What from Russia are you proud of that people abroad rarely bring up?
Why ask it
Animation, mathematics, ballet, chess, a regional craft or the first flights into space may come up, or something purely personal such as a grandmother's garden. It gives them a way to talk about home with affection and without the news. If the answer drifts toward politics, follow their lead and push no further.
What from home do you miss most on an ordinary day?
Why ask it
Black bread, proper buckwheat, the fresh curd cheese called tvorog and snow that stays on the ground come up more often than monuments do. It is a gentler way into the subject than 'do you go back?', which for some people has a hard answer. Many cities have a shop that stocks these things, and turning up with a loaf is remembered.
What did your parents or grandparents tell you about life in the Soviet Union?
Why ask it
Family stories run from warm nostalgia to real hardship, sometimes from the same person in one sitting. Your part is to listen, not to deliver a verdict on the period. Save it for someone you already know a little, and keep it to their family and away from history in general.
How are your family and friends back home doing?
Why ask it
This is the one to ask in place of any question about politics or the war in Ukraine. It lets them say 'fine, thanks' or tell you a great deal, and the choice is theirs: some have relatives on both sides of the border, some left because of the war, and some cannot speak freely. Take a short answer as complete, and do not follow it with a question about the news.
If I watched one Russian film and read one Russian book, which should they be?
Why ask it
The first answer is usually the famous one, and it is often withdrawn in favor of the one they love. Go with the second. Then watch it, read it and report back, because coming back with an opinion does more for the friendship than any question on this list.
How to ask a Russian about home and get a real answer
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Find out what 'Russian' means for this person
A Russian speaker may come from Kazakhstan, Latvia, Ukraine or Israel and not call themselves Russian at all, and a citizen of Russia may be Tatar, Buryat or Chechen first. Start with the city they are from and let them choose the word for themselves. Then use their word.
Ask about one life, not one country
One person cannot explain a country that size, and being asked to is tiring. Every question here can be answered from a single life: a courtyard, a grandmother, a school diary. When you catch yourself starting with 'do Russians', change it to 'did your family'.
Trade answers
Answer each question yourself once they have finished, and expect to be asked. A list fired in one direction feels like a customs desk. Two or three questions with real answers on both sides is a better evening than twenty.
Leave the stereotypes to them
Skip the put-on accent, the vodka joke and 'comrade'. They have heard all three, and the Bigger Topics group gives them the chance to bring the tired ones up themselves. If they joke about home, laugh, but do not take it as permission to join in.
Topics to leave until they raise them
Politics and the war in Ukraine
Do not ask a Russian you have just met to state a position or to answer for a government. You cannot know whether they have relatives in Ukraine, whether they left because of the war, or whether speaking openly could cause trouble for family at home. Asking how their family is doing leaves the door open without pushing on it. If they bring the subject up, listen and ask about their own experience, and do not turn it into a debate.
Why they left and whether they go back
For some people the answer is a job or a degree. For others it involves visas, military call-up, money or relatives they cannot easily visit. 'What brought you here?' is fine once, and a short answer is a complete one.
Soviet history as an argument
Family memories of that period are personal and often contradictory. Asking what a grandmother remembers is welcome. Asking someone to defend or condemn a whole era is not, and they will notice the difference. The same care applies to Victory Day on May 9, which in many families is about a great-grandparent before it is about anything else.
Drinking
Assuming a Russian drinks heavily, or pressing them to prove it, is the quickest way to become one more person they have to manage. Many do not drink at all. Tea is the safer subject and usually the better conversation.
Who you are talking to
A colleague
Stay with Hometown and Food at first, then ask whether anything they meant politely has come across as blunt, since the answer tells you how they like to give and get feedback. Birthdays, March 8 and New Year are worth asking about before the dates arrive. Leave family history and the Soviet question for a colleague who has become a friend.
A classmate or exchange student
Growing Up is your group: the first of September, grades, the final exam, cartoons. Compare systems item by item and let them be surprised by yours. An exchange student far from home will also have a ready answer to what they miss on an ordinary day, and it is often something you can help find.
A date
Pick questions that let them tell a story, such as the dacha, New Year's Eve, superstitions and the versions of their name. Keep nationality from becoming the theme of the evening. After two or three, move on to things that have nothing to do with where either of you is from.
A language partner
Words and Humor was written for this. Settle 'ty' or 'vy' early, ask for the proverb and the joke in Russian before the translation, and invite corrections out loud. A partner who lives in Russia has no use for the few questions that say 'here', so pass over those and ask about their city instead.
Reading the answers
A straight answer is not a cold one
If you ask whether they liked a place, a film or your cooking, you may get a plain 'no' with reasons. Many Russians regard that as taking you seriously. Answer in kind, and do not go looking for the hidden offense.
A short answer is a closed door
One word on family, home or the reason for moving means the subject is not available today. Change to food or cartoons without commenting on it. People often come back to the closed subject on their own once they trust you.
Long answers are the compliment
When a question about pelmeni turns into fifteen minutes on a grandmother's kitchen, the question worked. Do not steer back to the list. Ask the next thing their story makes you curious about.
Follow through
Watch the film, look up the town, try the dish, learn the short form of their name. Mentioning it the next time you meet shows the questions were interest and not a routine.