Questions to Ask About Fear
Questions to ask about fear, whether you are talking with a friend or a partner, sitting on the edge of a child's bed, running a class discussion or writing in a journal. The list starts with light fears such as spiders and heights, then takes one fear and follows it: where it comes from, what it feels like in the moment and what it has decided for you, before the bigger fears and, last, what helps. The first group works for a whole room; from Bigger fears on, keep it to one person and plenty of time.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Light fears
Spiders, heights, needles, deep water or the dark: which one gets you?
Why ask it
A menu lets a shy student or a small child point at one fear instead of producing it from nothing. Add a local option, cockroaches or thunderstorms, and give your own answer first so nobody is the only one who admitted anything.
What were you scared of when you were small that seems funny now?
Why ask it
With a child, turn it around and tell them yours. Hearing that a grown-up once feared the bathtub drain makes their own fear sound ordinary, and adults asked this tend to remember the exact hallway or basement.
What is the silliest thing you are afraid of?
Why ask it
The word 'silly' gives permission to laugh, and that is how a group ends up comparing balloons, mannequins and escalators. Laugh along with the person, never at the fear: they chose to hand you something a little embarrassing.
Do you like being scared for fun: roller coasters, haunted houses, horror films?
Why ask it
This divides a room in seconds and nobody minds which side they land on. Follow up by asking where fun-scared stops and really scared starts, a line most people can place exactly.
What scary movie, story or picture stuck with you long after you saw it?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone has one, often seen too young at a cousin's house. Ask how old they were and who let them watch, because the circumstances usually make a better story than the plot.
Which animal or insect would send you straight out of the room?
Why ask it
Ask what exactly does it: the legs, the speed, or not knowing where it went. In a language lesson that detail is the vocabulary practice, and at a dinner table it tends to be the funniest part.
Do you remember a nightmare you still think about?
Why ask it
Keep it to the telling: where they were, what chased them, how it ended. Offering to interpret the dream shuts people up, while 'what happened next' keeps them going. Let a child draw it if the words won't come.
Do you believe in ghosts, and does anything supernatural scare you even a little?
Why ask it
A classroom favorite because belief and fear do not always match: plenty of firm non-believers still won't sleep in the room everyone says is haunted. Ask for the story behind a yes, and leave anyone's religious beliefs out of the debate.
Which is worst for you: speaking to a crowd, phoning a stranger, or walking into a party alone?
Why ask it
Three everyday fears that have people in them and no danger. The ranking tells you how to make your next invitation easier, a text ahead of a call or arriving together, and a person who shrugs at all three is your volunteer for reading aloud.
What is something most people find frightening that doesn't bother you at all?
Why ask it
A turn toward confidence that keeps the round from becoming a list of weaknesses. It also finds the one person in the group who picks up spiders, and that person is useful to know.
If you could switch off one fear for good, which would you pick?
Why ask it
People often skip the spider and choose the fear that costs them something: the phone call, the driving test, the plane. Whichever they pick is the one worth tracing back to where it started.
Where it comes from
Can you remember the first time you felt this fear?
Why ask it
Pick one fear from the light round and stay with it from here on. Some people have a scene with a date on it and others find it was simply always there. Both are complete answers, so don't dig for an origin that isn't offered.
Is anyone else in your family afraid of the same thing?
Why ask it
People can often picture a parent flinching from a wasp or gripping the armrest on a plane. Ask from curiosity and keep blame out of it: the aim is only to notice where a reaction might have been borrowed.
What did the adults around you do when you were scared as a child?
Why ask it
Answers run from a hallway light left on to being told not to be a baby. See whether they talk to themselves the same way when they are scared now, and if you are a parent, consider what your own child would say.
Was there a fear you were taught, on purpose, to have?
Why ask it
Some fear is handed down as protection: the stove, the road, the neighbor's pool. Have them sort those lessons into the ones that still seem right and the one that stayed around long after it stopped being needed.
Do you think we are born with our fears or pick them up along the way?
Why ask it
An opinion question, so it suits a class, or a person who would rather not get personal yet. Nobody at the table needs to settle the science. Have each person offer one fear of their own for each side and see which list is longer.
What did you overhear as a child that frightened you more than anyone knew?
Why ask it
Children catch more through a wall than the adults on the other side expect: the news, an argument about money, a diagnosis. Find out whether they told anyone at the time. Put to your own child in the present tense, it turns up what they heard on the car radio last week.
Has this fear grown, shrunk or changed shape as you got older?
Why ask it
'Changed shape' is there because a fear of the dark can turn up later as a fear of an empty house. What else was going on in their life when it shifted is the follow-up, since the timing usually says more than the fear does.
Is it the thing itself that scares you, or what you imagine happening next?
Why ask it
Someone afraid of flying might mean the crash, or panicking in front of strangers, or not being able to get off. Those are three separate conversations, so have them finish the sentence 'and then...' before you respond to any of it.
What do you think this fear is trying to protect you from?
Why ask it
This treats the fear as something with a job to do, which is easier to talk about than a defect. In a journal, write the answer in the fear's own voice. Leave it out with young children, who will find it too abstract.
In the moment
Where in your body do you feel fear first?
Why ask it
Adults usually know theirs without thinking: stomach, chest, hands, the back of the neck. A small child can point where they cannot explain, so hand over an outline of a person and a crayon.
When you are scared, do you freeze, bolt, get angry or go quiet?
Why ask it
Anger is the option people don't expect to pick and then recognize. If you live with the person, their answer may recast a moment you took for rudeness, so mention that moment and check.
What goes through your head in the first few seconds?
Why ask it
Some people hear words, some see a picture of the worst outcome, and some go blank. Blank is a real answer. Whoever gets pictures can usually describe the picture, and it is rarely the one you would have guessed.
If you had to explain this fear to someone who has never felt it, what would you say?
Why ask it
Comparison is the skill it calls for, which makes it a strong one for language students. With a friend, say back what you understood and ask whether you got it right: being described accurately is most of what people want here.
Are you good at hiding fear, and who can still tell?
Why ask it
Whoever they name has learned to read them, and that is worth knowing. People who hide it well will sometimes admit they wish somebody noticed anyway, so find out whether they would want you to say something when you do.
How long does it take you to come back down after a real fright?
Why ask it
Minutes for one person, the rest of the day for another, and neither is a flaw. It settles practical things, such as whether to talk through a near miss in the car right away or wait until evening.
Is there a sound, smell or place that brings a fear straight back?
Why ask it
Once you know it is the dentist's drill, a hospital corridor or one particular ringtone, you can warn them or steer around it, a small kindness that costs you nothing. Don't test it to see if it's true.
What is the difference, for you, between being scared and being worried?
Why ask it
Good for older students and for a journal page, since everyone draws the line somewhere different: now against later, the body against the mind. Ask which of the two takes up more of their week.
What is the most frightened you have ever been?
Why ask it
Heavy, so save it for one person who has enjoyed the lighter questions, and never go around a classroom with it. If the story is hard, hear it to the end and do not answer with a bigger one of your own.
Choices
What have you said no to because of a fear?
Why ask it
Take the answer as information and not as a confession, whether it was a party, a trip, a job or a swimming lesson. The follow-up is whether they would still say no today, never why they weren't braver then.
Is there something you go out of your way to avoid, and how much trouble does the avoiding take?
Why ask it
The second half measures a fear better than a score out of ten: three flights of stairs every day to dodge an elevator says more than 'quite scared'. If the detours are running their week, you can say so gently, once.
Which fear has cost you the most?
Why ask it
Expect a pause, and then something that is not a phobia at all: fear of looking stupid, of asking, of being turned down. Let them name the price themselves. It isn't your place to add to the bill.
What would you do differently if you were not afraid?
Why ask it
The best-known question on the subject, and it works better small than grand. Bring it down to this month or this week, and ask whose judgment they picture if it went wrong, which often turns a faceless crowd into one or two people.
Has a fear ever kept you safe or turned out to be right?
Why ask it
Not every fear is a problem to solve. Someone who got out of a car because the driver had been drinking has a story where fear was the sensible voice. Then ask how they tell a useful fear from a noisy one.
Have you ever done something precisely because it scared you?
Why ask it
A speech, a high dive, moving to a new city alone. Ask whether the fear left afterward or simply came along for the ride, and whether they would do it again knowing which it was.
Which of your fears do other people have to plan around?
Why ask it
The friend who drives because you won't, the partner who checks the bedroom for spiders. Asked kindly, it shows who is already helping and gives a chance to thank them. If you are the one doing the planning, say honestly whether you mind.
Is there a fear of yours you try hard not to pass on to someone younger?
Why ask it
Parents, older siblings and teachers tend to answer with some pride: staying calm near the dog, getting into the pool first. Find out what the act takes out of them, and whether the younger person has seen through it.
Bigger fears
What would you say is your biggest fear right now?
Why ask it
'Right now' is what makes this answerable, because a lifetime's biggest fear is too much to choose from on the spot. Whatever comes back, ask one question about it and then stop. A big fear met with five follow-ups feels like an interview.
Who or what are you most scared of losing?
Why ask it
It might be a person, their health, their memory, a home or their independence. Resist promising it won't happen. A better follow-up is what the fear already has them doing: the extra phone call, the checkup, the photos backed up twice.
What worries you about the future when you let yourself think about it?
Why ask it
The last clause admits that most people keep this at arm's length. Notice how far ahead the answer sits, next month or thirty years away, and ask what would have to be true for it to weigh less.
Are you more afraid of failing or of never trying?
Why ask it
People tend to give the answer that sounds better, so follow with an example from the past year when the fear they named actually decided something. The example is the honest part.
What is your biggest fear about how other people see you?
Why ask it
The answer tends to be a single word: boring, needy, a fraud, too much. You are not there to tell them it is untrue. 'When did you start thinking that' goes further than reassurance.
How do you feel about being alone: for an evening, and for good?
Why ask it
The two halves get very different answers, and some people who love an empty evening are frightened of the second. Stay with whichever half they answered at more length, and don't offer yourself as the fix.
What is a change you are dreading?
Why ask it
For a child, 'what are you nervous about for next year' is the same question in a smaller size. With an adult it may be a move, a child leaving home or retirement, and the useful follow-up is which single part they dread, since it is seldom the whole thing.
Who are you most afraid of letting down?
Why ask it
The answer is a name, sometimes of a person no longer living. Ask what letting them down would look like in practice, because the standard is often one that person never actually set.
What are you afraid of running out of: time, money, energy, chances?
Why ask it
The four options are four different lives. Time and chances usually point at something not yet started, so the natural next question is what that something is.
Does death frighten you, and is it something you want to talk about?
Why ask it
The second half is a real question, so take a no at once and move on. If it is a yes, listen far more than you speak and do not hurry to console. With a child, answer only what they asked, in plain and true words.
Is there a fear you have never said out loud to anyone?
Why ask it
Say first that you are not asking them to tell you, only whether one exists. A nod is a whole answer. Alone with a journal, this is the page to write and keep shut.
What helps
What helps most when you are scared: company, a plan, a distraction or being left alone?
Why ask it
People want opposite things here, and the wrong one feels like not being heard. Have them pick for a small fright and again for a serious one, because the two answers often differ.
What do people say when you are frightened that makes it worse?
Why ask it
'Calm down', 'it's nothing', 'don't be silly'. You are collecting sentences to retire. Ask what they would sooner hear, and if you share a home with them, write it down.
Who do you go to when you are afraid, and what do they do right?
Why ask it
The second half is a free lesson in comforting this particular person. It is often very little: staying on the phone, not asking questions, making tea. If nobody comes to mind, don't fill the gap with advice. Say you would like to be someone they could call.
What is a fear you have beaten, or at least made smaller?
Why ask it
Get the method in detail: time, practice, one patient teacher, being thrown in at the deep end. Whatever worked before is the first thing to try on the next fear, and they already know how to do it.
What is the bravest thing you have done while still being scared?
Why ask it
Counting courage as acting with the fear still on board lets people claim things they would wave away, like making the call or walking into the room alone. For a child, name one you watched them do.
What small step toward a fear could you take this month?
Why ask it
Hold them to the word small: a photo of a spider, the second rung of the ladder, one email sent. If the fear is severe or tied to something that happened to them, coaching it is not a friend's job. Suggest they ask a doctor or licensed therapist how help with it works where they live.
Do you have a trick, a phrase or an object that calms you down?
Why ask it
Counting backward, a song, a grandmother's saying, a smooth stone in a coat pocket. A child without one can invent it with you tonight. In a class, put every answer on the board, and the lesson ends with a list people can actually use.
What would you tell a child who had the same fear as you?
Why ask it
Most of us are kinder and more practical with an imagined child than with ourselves. When they finish, ask whether they would take that advice themselves, which was the point of asking.
What would you like me to do the next time you are afraid?
Why ask it
Ask it last and take the answer literally, whether it is 'hold my hand and say nothing' or 'remind me I have done this before'. Then do exactly that when the moment arrives. In a journal, write the request and decide who you could give it to.
How to talk about fear without making it worse
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Fitting the list to who is answering
A friend or a partner
Start in Light fears even if you have known each other for years, then follow one fear through Where it comes from and Choices instead of sampling every section. Answer each question yourself as well. A conversation about fear in which only one person is exposed turns into an examination.
A child
Ask while doing something else: drawing, walking, driving, the minutes before lights out. Use the Light fears and In the moment questions, keep it to three or four, and go first with a fear you had at their age. Believe whatever they tell you. 'There's nothing under the bed' closes the subject, and 'show me where' keeps it open.
A class or an ESL group
Light fears, the born-with-or-picked-up question and the first half of What helps are safe for a whole room. Put students in pairs, give each pair four questions, and have them report their partner's answer, not their own, which takes the pressure off and practices reported speech. Leave Bigger fears off the handout, and let anyone pass without giving a reason.
A journal
Take one fear and one question from each section, in order, across six sittings. Write the answer to 'What do you think this fear is trying to protect you from?' as a letter from the fear to you. Reread the earlier pages only after the What helps page is written.
Three running orders
Ten minutes at the dinner table
The menu question about spiders, heights and the dark, then the silliest fear, then the thing that frightens most people and doesn't bother you, and finish on the one fear each person would switch off. Everybody answers every question, adults included, and nobody is pressed for a reason.
A forty-minute lesson
Five minutes on fear vocabulary from the first question, fifteen in pairs on Light fears, ten of whole-class discussion on scared versus worried or on whether fears are born or picked up, and the last ten collecting calming tricks and phrases on the board. Keep 'What is the most frightened you have ever been?' out of it: you cannot know what a student would have to leave unsaid.
One long evening with one person
Two or three light ones, then a single fear followed from its first memory through what it has cost, and no more than two from Bigger fears. However the middle went, close with a question or two from What helps, so the last thing said is something they can do or something you can do for them.
When the answer is heavier than the question
Don't argue with the fear
Odds and logic are the first thing most listeners reach for and the least welcome. A person afraid of flying has heard about the safety record. 'That sounds exhausting' or 'how long has it been like that' shows you were listening, and a correction shows you were waiting for your turn.
Stay quiet a little longer than is comfortable
After a hard answer, count slowly to five before you speak. The sentence that follows the pause is often the one they were deciding whether to say. If nothing comes, 'thank you for telling me' is enough, and it is better than a new question.
Keep your own story short
Trading fears is right for the light sections. When someone has told you about the worst night of their life, a matching story from you moves the attention to your side of the table. Save it for another day, or keep it to one sentence and hand the conversation back.
Let them stop
Watch for shorter answers, a joke where a reply should be, a glance at the door or the phone. Offer the exit yourself by saying you can leave it there, and then really leave it there by going back to a light question or changing the subject entirely.
What you heard is not yours to pass on
A fear told in confidence should not come back as a joke at a party, a point scored in an argument or a worried report to their mother. The exception is safety: if they are in danger, getting help comes before keeping a confidence, and you tell them that you are doing it.
What a conversation can and cannot do
Talking is company, not treatment
These questions help two people understand a fear. They are not a method for curing one. When a fear is stopping someone from working, sleeping, leaving the house or seeing a doctor, the kind thing is to say that it sounds bigger than a chat and to suggest they ask a doctor or a licensed therapist what help is available where they live.
Don't spring the feared thing on anyone
Producing the spider, booking the surprise flight or shutting the elevator doors is not a shortcut. Facing a fear in steps is something a person chooses and paces, ideally with someone trained to guide it. Your part is the question about one small step, and respecting the answer when it is 'not yet'.
A child whose fear keeps growing
A fear that shows up for a season and fades is one thing. If one is spreading to school, sleep or eating, or has lasted long enough that you are worried, bring it to the child's doctor or the school counselor and ask what they would look at. You do not need to work out on your own what is ordinary for their age.
If someone is not safe
If an answer includes wanting to hurt themselves, or being afraid of a person at home, stop the questions and stay with them. Emergency and crisis line numbers differ from country to country, so look up the one for where you are and offer to make the call together. Teachers and tutors usually work under their school's own reporting rules: find out what they are before the lesson, not after.