Questions to Ask a Cheater
Difficult but necessary questions to ask when dealing with infidelity, helping you understand what happened and make informed decisions about your relationship.
1What exactly happened and when did it start?
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What exactly happened and when did it start?
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Why this works
Gets the basic facts and timeline to understand the scope and duration of the infidelity.
2Why did you choose to cheat instead of talking to me about our problems?
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Why did you choose to cheat instead of talking to me about our problems?
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Why this works
Helps you understand their decision-making process and whether they can communicate about relationship issues.
3What were you thinking and feeling when you made this choice?
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What were you thinking and feeling when you made this choice?
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Why this works
Gives insight into their emotional state and motivations at the time of the infidelity.
4How long have you been unhappy in our relationship?
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How long have you been unhappy in our relationship?
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Why this works
Helps you understand the timeline of relationship problems and whether issues existed before the cheating.
5What did you tell yourself to justify your actions?
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What did you tell yourself to justify your actions?
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Why this works
Reveals their thought processes and whether they can take responsibility or are still making excuses.
6Did you consider how this would affect me and our relationship?
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Did you consider how this would affect me and our relationship?
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Why this works
Shows their level of consideration for your feelings and the impact on your relationship.
7What did you get from this relationship that you weren't getting from ours?
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What did you get from this relationship that you weren't getting from ours?
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Why this works
Helps you understand what needs weren't being met and whether those issues can be addressed.
8How do you feel about what you did now?
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How do you feel about what you did now?
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Why this works
Shows their current perspective and whether they feel genuine remorse or regret.
9What would you have done differently if you could go back?
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What would you have done differently if you could go back?
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Why this works
Reveals their understanding of the situation and whether they can learn from their mistakes.
10How do you plan to rebuild trust if we stay together?
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How do you plan to rebuild trust if we stay together?
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Why this works
Shows their commitment to change and whether they have a realistic plan for rebuilding the relationship.
11What are you willing to do to make this right?
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What are you willing to do to make this right?
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Why this works
Helps you understand their level of commitment to repairing the relationship and making amends.
12How do you plan to prevent this from happening again?
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How do you plan to prevent this from happening again?
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Why this works
Shows their understanding of the factors that led to cheating and whether they can address them.
13What do you think our relationship needs to be healthy?
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What do you think our relationship needs to be healthy?
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Why this works
Helps you understand their perspective on what a healthy relationship looks like and what changes are needed.
14Are you willing to be completely transparent about your activities?
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Are you willing to be completely transparent about your activities?
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Why this works
Shows their willingness to be accountable and transparent to rebuild trust.
15What do you think I need to heal from this?
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What do you think I need to heal from this?
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Why this works
Shows their understanding of the impact on you and what you might need to move forward.
16How do you plan to address the underlying issues that led to this?
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How do you plan to address the underlying issues that led to this?
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Why this works
Shows their commitment to working on the root causes rather than just the symptoms.
17What do you think about seeking professional help together?
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What do you think about seeking professional help together?
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Why this works
Shows their willingness to get professional support to work through the issues and rebuild the relationship.
18How do you plan to handle temptation in the future?
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How do you plan to handle temptation in the future?
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Why this works
Shows their understanding of the challenges ahead and whether they have a plan for dealing with them.
19What do you think I should know about this situation?
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What do you think I should know about this situation?
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Why this works
Gives them a chance to share any additional information they think is important for you to know.
20How do you plan to show me that you're committed to change?
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How do you plan to show me that you're committed to change?
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Why this works
Helps you understand what concrete actions they're willing to take to demonstrate their commitment to change.
Navigating Infidelity and Rebuilding Trust
Expert tips and techniques for getting the most out of these questions.
Initial Response and Self-Care
Take Time to Process
Don't rush into decisions. Give yourself time to process the information and understand your feelings.
Seek Support
Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support during this difficult time.
Prioritize Your Wellbeing
Focus on your own emotional and physical health. Don't let their actions define your self-worth.
Understanding What Happened
Get the Facts
Understand the Why
Evaluate the Relationship
Making Decisions About the Future
Consider All Options
Think about whether you want to stay together, take a break, or end the relationship. There's no right or wrong answer.
Set Clear Boundaries
If you decide to work on the relationship, establish clear boundaries and expectations for rebuilding trust.
Get Professional Help
Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to work through the issues and rebuild the relationship.