Questions to Ask During Speed Dating
Short questions built for a four or five minute round, when you have time for two of them and one follow-up. Chosen to hear how someone talks rather than to collect facts you could read on a profile.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What made you come tonight?
Why ask it
Answers run from being dragged along by a friend to deciding to stop waiting for something to happen. Either is fine, and what you actually learn is whether they can be candid with a stranger in the first thirty seconds.
How is it going so far, honestly?
Why ask it
The word honestly gives permission to say something other than "great". People who can laugh about an awkward format are usually easier company than people determined to perform.
What do you do with your Saturdays?
Why ask it
Better than asking about hobbies, which invites a list. This gets the actual shape of a free day, and whether it is spent alone, outdoors, or with the same four people every week.
What is the last thing you got completely absorbed in?
Why ask it
You are looking for the change in how they talk when they hit something they care about. The subject matters far less than whether that shift happens at all.
Are you a planner, or a decide-at-the-door person?
Why ask it
A small compatibility question that predicts a lot of low-level friction later. Most people know their answer instantly, and the ones who claim to be both are usually the planner.
What do your friends come to you for?
Why ask it
It gets a description of their role in a group without asking them to describe their personality. Nobody has ever answered this with something they are not at least a bit proud of.
What is the best thing within walking distance of your place?
Why ask it
Concrete, easy, and it tells you where they live and how they use it. It also surfaces whether they know their neighbourhood or just sleep there.
What is taking up most of your attention at the moment?
Why ask it
A gentler route into work, family or study than asking what they do. What they name first is a fair indication of what a relationship would be competing with.
What do you wish people asked you instead of what you do for work?
Why ask it
Hands them the chance to steer, which is a relief for anyone whose job is dull to explain. Watch whether they use the opening or hand it straight back.
Is there a food you would defend in an argument?
Why ask it
Deliberately light, and it works because it gives permission to have a strong opinion about nothing. People who cannot commit to a view here often will not commit to one on anything in five minutes.
What is the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
Why ask it
You learn their sense of humour by example rather than by adjective. A specific answer beats "lots of things", which is what people say when they cannot remember the last time.
What is something you tried recently for the first time?
Why ask it
Recency is what makes this work: everyone has a story from years ago. Nothing in the last year usually means life is full of obligations, which is worth knowing without judging.
Are you close to your family?
Why ask it
Heavier than the rest, so it needs a warm tone and an easy exit. Both a yes and a no can be perfectly healthy answers; what tells you something is how comfortable they are giving one.
What does a good first date look like to you?
Why ask it
Practical, and it doubles as an invitation without being one. A specific answer means they have thought about what they enjoy; "anything, really" often means they are used to going along with whatever is suggested.
What is a green flag you notice early?
Why ask it
People describe what they value more clearly through what reassures them than through a list of qualities they want. The answer often turns out to be something they do themselves.
What are you definitely not looking for?
Why ask it
The polite way to reach dealbreakers in a few minutes, and most people answer it directly. If the whole answer is a description of one ex, they may still be in that story.
Where do you want to be living in a few years?
Why ask it
One of the few genuine compatibility facts you can establish in four minutes. Answers about another country or moving back home are worth hearing before you get attached to the evening.
What is your read on this format?
Why ask it
Turns the two of you into observers of the same odd situation, which is the fastest way to feel like allies. It also shows how they handle talking about the thing everyone is politely ignoring.
What is something people get wrong about you at first?
Why ask it
Invites self-knowledge without inviting a confession. Answers that are secretly compliments, being told they seem intimidating, tell you as much as the sincere ones.
If we run out of time, what should I write down so I remember you?
Why ask it
A closer that ends the round warmly and solves the real problem of twelve near-identical conversations. What they choose is often the thing they most want to be known for.
Making a four-minute round work
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Inside the round
Two questions, one follow-up
Four minutes fits roughly two exchanges done properly. Rattling through six questions turns the table into an interview and neither of you remembers any of it afterwards.
Answer your own question first if they stall
Going first takes the pressure off and shows what depth of answer you were hoping for. Keep your version to about fifteen seconds.
Let the follow-up be specific
Repeat one detail they gave and ask about that. It is the clearest signal that you were listening rather than waiting for your turn.
Between rounds
- Write one specific line per person right after the bell, not at the end of the night
- Note what you would want to ask them next, which is a better yes-or-no test than a rating
- Rotate your opening question rather than repeating the same one twelve times, or your delivery goes flat
- Drink water between rounds; most people talk far more than they expect to
- Expect two or three rounds to be genuinely awkward, and do not read that as your night going badly
What tends to go wrong
Interviewing instead of talking
Firing off questions without offering anything back makes people close up. Aim for something close to an even split of talking.
Going straight to the heavy questions
Past relationships, money and family history in the first minute mostly produce polite deflection. Save them for a longer conversation later.
Rehearsing the same answers all night
By round eight your own answers stop sounding like you. Change which story you tell to keep the conversation live for yourself.
Deciding in the first thirty seconds
Nervousness reads as coldness, and quiet rooms suit some people badly. Reserve judgement until after the second question.