Questions to Ask a Gay Girl
Questions for getting to know a woman you are interested in or becoming friends with, from easy openers through to what she wants from a relationship, with her identity as context rather than the subject.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What is taking up most of your week at the moment?
Why ask it
Better than asking what she does, because it takes in work, a course, a sick relative, a move, or a project. It also gives her a way to mention something difficult without having to make an announcement of it.
How did you end up in this city?
Why ask it
Almost nobody is where they are by accident, and for queer women the answer is often the story of leaving somewhere. She can tell you as much or as little of that as she likes, which is why the question works better than asking where she is from.
What do you do with a completely free evening?
Why ask it
The honest answer is rarely impressive and that is the point. Someone who says she watches the same show and goes to bed at ten is telling you something more useful than a list of hobbies she wishes she did more often.
What could you talk about for an hour without checking whether I was bored?
Why ask it
Gives explicit permission to be enthusiastic, which people rarely take unprompted. Watch how she is when she stops managing the conversation, because that is more informative than the topic itself.
Who did you last send something completely stupid to?
Why ask it
A sideways route into who is close to her. The name that comes up is usually the person whose opinion of you will eventually matter, and you learn it without asking her to summarise her friendships.
What is the last thing that actually made you laugh out loud?
Why ask it
Asking for a specific instance beats asking about her sense of humour, which produces a self-description. If she cannot think of anything from the past week, that itself tells you something about how her week has been.
What are you bad at but keep doing anyway?
Why ask it
Reveals whether she can be unimpressive on purpose, which is a good sign in early conversation. It also tends to be genuinely charming, and it is much easier to answer than being asked about her flaws.
Where did you find your people here?
Why ask it
A team, a bar, a group chat, a job, a scene she has since drifted out of. For many queer women this is the story of how they built a life somewhere, and asking it as a practical question invites the story without demanding it.
Are you out at work, and does it come up much?
Why ask it
A practical, respectful question rather than a request for a coming-out story. The answer affects real things, such as whether photographs get posted and how she introduces you, and being asked plainly is usually a relief compared with being guessed at.
What is the most tiresome assumption people make about you?
Why ask it
Open enough that she can pick something about her job, her family, or her being gay, and hers to choose. It gets a real answer because most people have been sitting on this one for years without being asked.
What kind of tired are you these days: work, people, or something else?
Why ask it
A gentler and more accurate question than asking how she is. The three options make it easy to answer honestly, and the answer tells you what she needs from an evening long before she would think to say so.
What did you think your life would look like by now?
Why ask it
Invites a comparison rather than a summary, and the gap is where the interesting material is. Some of that gap will be about assumptions she absorbed young and has since discarded, which is a rich subject if she wants to go there.
What is your family like these days?
Why ask it
The phrase these days matters, because it lets her answer about the present rather than being asked to explain her history. Family is the area where queer women's situations vary most, from entirely easy to entirely severed, and the question leaves all of those open.
When you are having a bad week, what actually helps?
Why ask it
Specific and forward-looking, and it gets you the operating instructions most people never hand over. Answers split cleanly into wanting company and wanting to be left alone, and guessing wrong on that is how early relationships go quietly wrong.
Are you looking for something serious, or seeing what happens?
Why ask it
Asked directly and early, this saves months. Both answers are fine and the mismatch is what causes damage. Note whether she can answer without hedging, because someone who genuinely does not know is different from someone who does not want to say.
What did your last relationship teach you about yourself?
Why ask it
The about yourself is doing all the work. Without it you get an account of an ex; with it you find out whether she can see her own part in things. An answer entirely about the other person's failings is the answer.
What are you better at now than you were five years ago?
Why ask it
Almost everyone brightens at this, because it invites her to notice progress she has not credited herself with. The specifics, saying no, sleeping, asking for help, tend to be the qualities that actually matter in living alongside someone.
What have you changed your mind about in the last couple of years?
Why ask it
A test of whether someone is still moving. People who cannot name anything are usually not reflecting; people who name something small and concrete are. The topic barely matters, only that a revision happened.
If money and other people's opinions were not a factor, what would you be doing?
Why ask it
The second clause is what makes this different from asking about dreams. For anyone who has already made one big decision against expectation, the answer often reveals which other one they are still postponing.
What do you want more of, and what do you want less of?
Why ask it
A good closing question because it produces two concrete answers instead of a mood. The less-of half is usually more revealing and it is the one people have thought about hardest without ever saying out loud.
Getting to know her well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
What works
Talk to her, not to a category
Her being gay explains almost nothing about her taste in music, her job, her family, or what she wants from you. Ask the questions you would ask anyone you found interesting, and let the rest come up when it is relevant.
Let her set the pace on personal history
Coming out, family reactions, and past relationships are hers to raise. Leaving space and not filling it is more effective than asking, and she will notice that you did.
Answer your own questions
A run of questions with nothing offered back turns into an interview. Say your version after hers, briefly, and the conversation starts moving in both directions.
Ask what she needs rather than assuming
Whether she wants company or space in a bad week, whether she wants to be introduced or kept quiet at work. One direct question beats a month of guessing kindly and wrongly.
What to avoid
Asking for the coming-out story on day one
It is often the hardest thing that has happened to someone, and being asked for it as an icebreaker is exhausting. If it matters to her, she will tell you when she trusts you.
Treating her as a spokesperson
Questions about what lesbians think, or requests to be educated about queer life, put her to work. If you want to learn, read something; if you want to know her, ask about her.
Performing allyship
Listing your credentials, your other gay friends, or your politics reads as a request for approval. Being straightforward and asking normal questions does the same job without the audition.
Asking about sex early to seem relaxed about it
Curiosity about a queer woman's sex life, dressed up as openness, is the thing most often complained about. Wait until intimacy is actually on the table, then ask about her and not about the category.
Ignoring the safety dimension
Being visible in public, posting photographs, and being out at work carry different costs for different people. Follow her lead on all three rather than deciding that discretion is a lack of interest.