Questions to Ask in a Men's Group
Questions to ask in a men's group, written for the man who leads one and the men who sit in it, whether that is a church small group, a weekly circle in somebody's garage or a retreat weekend. They run in the order an evening does: openers that get past sports and weather, then work and purpose, family and friendship, anger, failure and what a man is carrying by himself, a section on faith for church groups, and questions for closing and for checking in next time. Three or four are plenty for one night, and the heaviest ones are meant for a group that has already met a few times.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
What's been taking up the most room in your head this week?
Why ask it
It asks for a subject and not a feeling, which is an easier first step for a man who has come straight from work. Whatever he names, a deadline, a kid, a truck repair, is usually the thing to come back to later in the night.
When someone asks how you're doing, what do you say, and how close is it to true?
Why ask it
'Fine' and 'busy' get a laugh of recognition, and then the real question is on the table. Follow with 'so what's the true version tonight?' and take whatever length of answer comes.
If you rated your week from one to ten, what's the number, and what would have made it one higher?
Why ask it
A number is quick to give and hard to hide behind, and the second half keeps anyone from saying 'seven' and stopping there. Go around the whole circle before anyone comments on another man's number.
What brought you to this group, and what almost kept you home tonight?
Why ask it
Best at a first meeting or when someone new has joined. The second half draws out tiredness, doubt or dread of being asked to share, and hearing those from the regulars settles a newcomer.
Who was the first man you looked up to, not counting your dad?
Why ask it
Coaches, uncles, shop teachers and first bosses come out, each with a story attached. The detail to listen for is what that man did that a boy noticed, since it is often the first picture he formed of what a man is supposed to be.
What's something you've fixed, built or figured out lately that you're quietly pleased with?
Why ask it
Starting with competence gives the quieter men a way in before anything personal is asked. Let them go into detail: a man explaining how he rehung a door is warming up to talk.
What did you do this week only because you wanted to?
Why ask it
Expect a long pause from the men whose weeks belong to a job and a family, and treat the pause as part of the answer. Ask the ones who come up empty what they'd have done with a free afternoon.
What were you like at seventeen, and what would that kid make of you now?
Why ask it
Stories and some ribbing follow, which suits a group still learning each other's names. Notice the man who says the kid would be disappointed. Don't chase it yet, but remember it when the evening gets to failure.
Work and Purpose
Leaving out your job title, how would you describe what you do all day?
Why ask it
Titles let men rank each other and stop there. The description brings out what he really spends his hours on, and you can usually hear whether he likes it.
What part of your work would you keep doing if nobody paid you?
Why ask it
The answer points at what he is good at or cares about, and sometimes it isn't in his job at all. For a man who says 'none of it', ask when that was last different.
How much of who you are is tied up in what you do for a living?
Why ask it
This one weighs most on men who are retired, laid off or between jobs, so don't call on any of them by name. They often answer more freely after a working man has admitted how much of himself is in his job.
When you call someone a good man, what do you mean by it?
Why ask it
Go around quickly and you'll hear provider, protector, honest and present, each from a different chair. The second round is the slower one: which part of his own definition does each man find hardest to meet?
What are you chasing right now, and what do you think it will give you once you have it?
Why ask it
The second half is where the conversation is. A promotion, a paid-off house or a number in the bank tends to stand for something else: safety, respect, proof to someone. Ask who the proof is for.
When did you last feel useful to someone?
Why ask it
Hard for a man whose kids have left, whose job has ended or whose health has slowed him down. If he can't think of a time, the others in the circle can sometimes tell him one, and that is worth more than moving on.
What does your work cost the people at home?
Why ask it
Most men know the answer before the question is finished: the late nights, the travel, the phone beside the dinner plate, the mood he walks in with. Keep it to what he sees for himself, because this isn't the moment for the group to guess what his wife must think.
What would you want to have built or left behind by the time you're done?
Why ask it
Not only a career question. Men answer with children, a business, a congregation, a farm with no debt on it. It suits the late hours of a retreat day, when nobody has to be anywhere.
Family and Friends
What's one thing your father taught you without ever saying it out loud?
Why ask it
Men tend to answer with a habit: how he handled money, how he went quiet when he was angry, that he was at every game. Ask whether it is something he kept or something he has worked to drop.
What did you need to hear from your dad that you never did?
Why ask it
Hold this one for a group that has met a few times, because few questions land harder. Some men had no father at home, or one they would prefer not to discuss. Say beforehand that a pass is fine, and mean it.
In what ways are you turning into your father, for better and for worse?
Why ask it
Both halves matter. A man who can only list the bad can be asked for one good thing. A man who can only praise his dad may not be ready for the other half, and that can stand.
If you have children, what do you hope they say about you when they're grown?
Why ask it
Follow with 'what would they say today?' and let him measure the distance himself. Men without kids can answer for a nephew, a player they coach or a younger man at work.
What's hard about being a father, a stepfather or a grandfather right now?
Why ask it
Asked in the present tense, it gets a specific child and a specific problem, and other fathers in the circle will have been there. They should hold their advice until he has finished, then ask if he wants any.
Which older man are you learning from right now, and which younger one is learning from you?
Why ask it
Plenty of men can name neither, and that is worth noticing without embarrassment. In a group with a spread of ages the answer may be sitting three chairs away, so leave room for someone to say so.
Who's the one person who knows how you're really doing, and is that a lot to put on one person?
Why ask it
A married man will often say his wife and nobody else. He doesn't have to say what she knows. What the question shows is how much one person holds for him, and whether a few other men could take some of it.
Where are you coasting in your marriage or relationship?
Why ask it
Coasting is an easier word to own than failing, so men answer it. Ask what one thing he would do this week if he stopped coasting, and make a note of it for the next meeting.
What's a conversation at home you keep putting off?
Why ask it
He need not give the subject, whether it's money, a move, one of the kids or an apology he owes. Admitting there is one is enough for tonight, and at the next meeting someone can check whether the conversation happened.
If you're single, divorced or widowed, what do you wish the married men here understood?
Why ask it
Groups slide into assuming everyone has a wife waiting at home, and this corrects that without a lecture. The married men's part is to listen and not answer back.
Who could you call at two in the morning, and when did you last talk to him?
Why ask it
The name comes quickly for many men, and the second half shows how long that friendship has been running on memory. A man with no name has told you something important. Don't try to fix it on the spot, but see that someone phones him this week.
Which friendship have you let go quiet that you'd like back?
Why ask it
Usually one lost to a move, a job or a new baby, with no falling out behind it. The practical follow-up is 'what would the first text say?', and a few men will send it from the parking lot.
The Hard Stuff
What gets you angry faster than it should?
Why ask it
Easy to admit and often funny, which makes it a good door into the harder part of the night: you'll get traffic, a teenager's tone of voice, being corrected at work. Once the laughing settles, ask what sits under it, whether that's feeling disrespected, ignored or afraid.
What do you do with your anger: let it out, hold it in, or take it somewhere else?
Why ask it
Three options make it answerable. 'Somewhere else' covers the gym, the garage, the bottle and the silent treatment, so ask which one, and who at home ends up paying for it.
What were you taught as a boy about what men do with fear or sadness?
Why ask it
Out come the rules a man still follows without ever having chosen them: don't cry, handle it yourself, keep it in the family. The follow-up that matters is which of those he has handed on, or would hate to hand on, to a son or a younger man.
What are you afraid of right now that you'd rather not admit?
Why ask it
Fear is the word most likely to get a joke back, so let the joke pass and wait. A job that might not last, a child heading somewhere bad and a test result are the kind of thing that comes, and the man who says his aloud often finds two others nodding.
What failure do you still think about?
Why ask it
Leave real silence after asking. The first man to answer sets how honest everyone else will be, so if you lead, be ready to go first. Nobody should tell him it wasn't that bad.
What are you carrying by yourself right now?
Why ask it
If a group asks only one hard question in a night, make it this one. He can name the load without the details: a debt, a diagnosis in the family, a job that might go. Thank him, ask what would help, and stop the group from rushing to solutions.
When did you last ask another man for help, and what made it hard?
Why ask it
Some will name a borrowed truck or a house move and nothing since. The second half is the real question, and the reasons that come back are pride, not wanting to owe anybody, or not knowing who he would even ask.
What do you reach for when the day has been too much?
Why ask it
Keep this to naming it, whether that's the phone, food, a drink, more work or the screen in the garage, and steer away from a detailed confession. If a man describes something that has hold of him, talk with him afterward about finding someone trained to help.
How is your health, honestly, and what have you been putting off getting looked at?
Why ask it
Saying it in front of other men is sometimes what gets the appointment made. Nobody in the circle should diagnose anybody. Ask the man who has been avoiding it what day he will make the call, and check next time.
Where do you feel like you're faking it?
Why ask it
Provider, husband, boss and believer are the roles that come up, and several men often name the same one. Finding that out is most of the value, so give them a moment to notice it before the next chair speaks.
What's something you're ashamed of that you've never said in a room like this?
Why ask it
Only for a group with a clear agreement that what is said stays there, and never on a first night. Let a man say 'there is something, and I'm not ready.' That is an honest answer, and no one should press past it.
What loss have you never really grieved?
Why ask it
Don't ask it with ten minutes left on the clock. The loss may be a father, a marriage, a career or a child, and a man can start to answer and then stop. Leave that quiet alone and do not fill it with comfort he didn't ask for.
Faith
Is your faith holding weight right now, or is it more habit than anything?
Why ask it
It gives a man permission to say 'habit' in a church group, where everyone is assumed to be doing well. Ask him what was happening the last time it held weight.
What do you find yourself praying about when it's only you?
Why ask it
Private prayers show what a man is truly worried about, and it is seldom what he requests in front of the group. If he says he has stopped praying, ask when, and what was going on in his life then.
Which man in Scripture do you see yourself in these days?
Why ask it
Expect David, Peter, Jonah, Job or the older brother in the parable. The reason matters more than the name, so ask which part of that man's story he is in.
What are you angry at God about, or were once?
Why ask it
A church group that can hear this without correcting it is one a struggling man can stay in. Don't answer on God's behalf. Ask what he did with the anger and whether it is still there.
What do you believe on Sunday that's hard to live on Wednesday?
Why ask it
It points at the distance between church and the job site, the office or the kitchen. Ask for one particular Wednesday, since a general answer lets everyone nod and move along.
What sin or habit do you keep asking forgiveness for?
Why ask it
Men can stay general ('my temper', 'my mouth', 'my phone') unless they choose to say more. If one asks to be checked on, pair him with a single person he picks, not the whole group.
Closing and Check-In
What did another man say tonight that could have come out of your own mouth?
Why ask it
Each man has to credit someone else, which ties the circle together before it breaks up. It also tells whoever took a risk tonight that it landed.
What's one thing you'll do before we meet again, small enough that you'll really do it?
Why ask it
Push back on anything vague. 'Be more patient' becomes 'phone in a drawer at dinner on Tuesday.' Have someone write these down, because the next meeting opens with them.
Who in this circle will you call or text this week?
Why ask it
Have each man say a name aloud so you can see who hasn't been picked, and adjust right then. A group that only exists for ninety minutes a week is an easy one to drift out of.
How can the rest of us back you up between now and next time?
Why ask it
One man will want prayer, another a phone call on the morning of the hard meeting, another nothing at all. Take 'nothing' at face value the first time and ask again next week.
Is there something you came close to saying tonight and didn't?
Why ask it
Ask it in the last five minutes and expect most to stay silent. Now and then one man speaks, and it can be the truest thing said all night. If it's big, stay behind with him and don't open it up while people are reaching for their keys.
Last time you said you'd do something. How did it go?
Why ask it
This one belongs at the start of the next meeting, and it only works if someone kept track at the close. Ask it without an edge, so that a man who didn't follow through can say so plainly.
What should this group do more of, and what should we drop?
Why ask it
Worth asking every couple of months and at the end of a retreat. Men often drift away from a group without ever saying why, so ask before that happens and change at least one thing they name.
Running a men's group night with these questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the first question
Agree on what stays in the room
Say the agreement aloud when a group starts and again whenever someone joins: what a man says here is not repeated, not to wives and not as a prayer request somewhere else. Say the limit as well. If a man is in danger, or someone around him is, the leader will get help, and the men should hear that before it ever matters. What a leader or a pastor is required to report differs by place and by church, so find out the rule that applies to yours.
Make passing normal
Tell the men that 'pass' is a complete answer, and let the first pass of the night go by without comment. A man who knows he can decline is more willing to answer the next question.
Three or four a night
Choose one opener, one or two from the middle sections and one to close. Ninety minutes among eight men is about ten minutes each, and a question worth asking uses most of that.
Fit the list to your group
A church men's small group can draw on the Faith section every week. A group with no shared belief can leave that section out and lose nothing from the others. On a retreat weekend, hold Family and Friends and The Hard Stuff for the second day, after the men have eaten and laughed together.
Leading the circle
Go first, and make it real
The depth of the first answer sets the depth of the night. If you lead, answer the hard question yourself in about two minutes, with something current and unfinished, not a struggle from ten years ago that has a tidy ending.
Count to ten before rescuing a silence
Finding words for this kind of thing can take a man longer than a leader finds comfortable. Look at the floor and not at a person, and wait. If nothing comes, rephrase the question once, then answer it yourself.
No fixing, no sermons
The reflex in a room of men is to solve the problem with a job lead, a book or a verse. Make it a house rule that advice comes only when a man asks for it, and that the first response to anything hard is 'thanks for saying that' or another question.
Shoulder to shoulder
Some groups talk better with something to do: a fire to feed, a trail, a breakfast, a project in somebody's garage. If the ring of chairs goes stiff, put the same questions to men who are looking at a grill and not at each other.
The joker and the long talker
A joke is how plenty of men get near a subject, so let it land, then put the question to him again, plainly and by name. For the man who runs long, a fixed order around the circle and a stated two minutes each is kinder than cutting him off.
When an answer is heavier than expected
Stop the round
When a man says something that cost him to say, don't pass to the next chair. Thank him, ask whether he wants to say more, and ask what he needs from the group. Then leave a pause before anyone else speaks.
When to leave a question alone
Drop a question when a man has passed on it, when a newcomer is in the room for the first time, or when there isn't enough time left to hear the answers properly. The ones about fathers, shame and grief are the ones most worth saving for a later night.
What a men's group is not
It is friends paying attention, not treatment. When a man describes drinking he can't stop, thoughts of ending his life, violence at home or a despair that won't lift, the group's part is to stay close and help him reach someone trained: a doctor, a counselor, a pastor who will refer him on, a crisis line. Which services exist depends on where you live, so find out before you need them.
The text afterward
A man who opened up will wonder on the drive home whether he said too much. A short message that night from the leader or another member, with no advice in it, settles that.
Closing, and picking it up next time
Guard the last ten minutes
The Closing and Check-In questions are what get squeezed when a good discussion runs long. Set a quiet alarm if you have to. A night that ends with each man naming one action and one person to contact carries into the week.
Keep a short record
One man writes down, in a few words, what each person said he would do, and nothing else from the night. Reading that list back is the first five minutes of the next meeting.
Check in without keeping score
The check-in is there so men are known, not graded. When someone hasn't done what he said, ask what got in the way and whether it is still the right thing to aim at, then go on to the next man.
Closing a church group
Prayer fits at the close, and it works best short and specific: each man prays for the one on his left, by name, for the thing he mentioned. Anyone uneasy praying aloud can simply say the name.