Questions to Ask Your Parents About College
Questions to ask your parents about college, for a high school student who needs to know what the family can pay, and what it expects, before making a list or saying yes to an offer. The 51 questions follow the order the talk tends to take: their own years after high school, the money, applying, what they expect of you, the decision, and leaving home. Open with their story, because the number they give you later makes more sense once you have heard it.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Their story
Did you go to college, and how was that decided in your family?
Why ask it
It works whether the answer is yes, no or 'for a year'. Listen for who made the call, them or their own parents, because that usually explains how much say they expect to have in yours.
What did you study or train in, and would you pick it again?
Why ask it
Their answer previews how the conversation about your major will go. A parent who regrets a choice often steers hard away from it, so ask what they would have picked instead and why.
How was your college or training paid for, and how long did it take to finish paying?
Why ask it
Someone who spent ten years on loan payments reads a tuition bill differently from someone whose parents wrote the checks. Hold on to the answer for the Money questions, where the limit they set tends to trace back to this.
What was the hardest part of your first year out of your parents' house?
Why ask it
It covers college, a first job or the service equally, so no parent is left out. You are likely to get one concrete thing, like money running out in March or having nobody to eat with, and that is the thing to plan for.
What would you do differently if you had those years again?
Why ask it
Leave a silence after this one. Whether the regret is not going, not finishing, borrowing too much or staying too close to home, it is the advice they have been trying to give you, and it is easier to take as a story than as a rule.
Who helped you figure out applications and money back then, and who could help us now?
Why ask it
If the answer is 'nobody', you have learned why some of this feels as new to them as it does to you. Stay on the second half: an aunt, an older cousin or a coworker whose kid has just been through it is worth a phone call.
If you didn't go, or didn't finish, what got in the way?
Why ask it
Only for a parent it applies to, and asked gently. Money, a job, a baby or a family that needed them at home are common reasons, and whichever it was is often the thing they most want to keep out of your path.
What do you hope college does for me?
Why ask it
A bridge from their past into your plans. 'A steady job', 'choices I never had' and 'I just want you happy' point to three different sets of expectations, so ask what each would look like in practice.
Money
How much can our family put toward college each year without it hurting you?
Why ask it
Your whole list hangs on this number, so ask before you fall for a campus. 'Without it hurting you' gives them permission to name a figure lower than the one pride would pick.
Is that figure for one year or for the whole degree, and does it have to stretch across my brothers and sisters too?
Why ask it
A sum that sounds generous shrinks fast once it is divided by four years or three children. If you are the oldest, ask what happens to your share in the year a sibling starts.
Is there money already saved for this, and what kind of account is it in?
Why ask it
Savings accounts come with different rules about what the money may be spent on and how aid forms count it, so have them check with whoever holds theirs. Take a plain 'there isn't any' as useful information, not as something to argue with.
Does your job, your union or any group we belong to offer scholarships or tuition help for members' kids?
Why ask it
Whether anything exists depends entirely on the employer or organization, so the only way to find out is for a parent to ask: one email to HR, the union rep or the office of whatever you belong to. Have them ask for the deadline too, since it can fall well before a college's own.
Would you rather show me the real figures or give me a ceiling to work under?
Why ask it
Plenty of parents don't want a teenager knowing their salary, and that is a fair line to hold. A ceiling, meaning no more than a certain amount a year from them, is all you need to sort a list.
How do you feel about me borrowing, and how much debt would you call too much?
Why ask it
Get a number, not a mood. If they say 'as little as possible', propose a total for the whole degree and watch whether they flinch, then ask what monthly payment they imagine you managing afterward.
Would you take out a loan in your own name, or co-sign one of mine?
Why ask it
Those are two separate promises: with the first the debt is theirs, and with the second it is yours with their name and credit on the line beside it. Before anyone agrees, ask the lender or the college's aid office how each works where you live. A no here is about their finances, not about you.
What do you expect me to earn or save myself, and by when?
Why ask it
Turn the answer into something you can act on: a summer total, hours a week during the semester, or the cost of your books. If the expectation would mean long shifts on top of a demanding program, say so now.
Beyond tuition, what would you cover: housing, food, books, a phone, trips home?
Why ask it
Go down the items one at a time, because 'we'll pay for college' means tuition to some parents and everything to others. The unclaimed lines are your budget, and the kitchen is a better place to learn that than a dorm in October.
Is your help a gift, or do you expect any of it paid back?
Why ask it
Awkward to ask and far more awkward to discover at graduation. If repayment is expected, ask how much and starting when, and write it down so you both remember it the same way in five years.
Would paying for me push back your own plans, like retiring or paying off the house?
Why ask it
Parents sometimes promise more than is good for them. If the truthful answer is yes, treat it as a reason to look harder at cheaper routes together and not as something to feel guilty about.
If a college's price is more than we can cover, do I cross it off or apply and wait for the offer?
Why ask it
The posted price and the price after aid can be far apart, which is why many families apply and wait to see a real figure. Settle now what happens if that figure comes back too high, so the first argument about it isn't in the spring.
What happens to the plan if I need a fifth year, switch majors or transfer?
Why ask it
You are really asking whether the support has a time limit, which few students think to check. A clear 'four years and then it is yours' is easier to live with than finding out during an extra semester.
Applying
Who is going to fill out the financial aid forms, and when can we sit down to start?
Why ask it
Put a date on it before the conversation ends. The forms usually need details only a parent has, and deadlines differ by college and by where you live, so look each one up together instead of trusting a single date.
Are you willing to put your tax and income details on my aid applications?
Why ask it
Aid forms for students who depend on their parents generally ask for the parents' finances, and a refusal can stall everything. If they hesitate, find out what worries them, then ask the aid office what the information is for and what the options are without it.
With two households, whose income goes on the aid forms, and does each of you have to fill something out?
Why ask it
Skip it if your parents share a household. The rules differ from one form and one college to the next, so write down the plain facts first, who you live with and who supports you, and take them to each aid office.
Is there anything about our situation that the numbers on a form would not show?
Why ask it
Medical bills, a relative they support, a business in a bad year or a job that ended recently can all be invisible on paper. Aid offices will sometimes look at circumstances like these when a family tells them, so ask each college how to do that.
Can we run the price calculators for my top three colleges together?
Why ask it
Many colleges put a cost estimator on their website, often called a net price calculator, and it asks for income figures you won't have. Half an hour side by side turns a frightening posted price into a rough family figure. Keep a screenshot, and expect the real offer to differ.
How many applications are you willing to pay for, and can we afford to visit any of the campuses?
Why ask it
Fees and travel add up before a single offer arrives. If the answer is 'not many', ask your school counselor whether fee waivers exist for your situation, and look for virtual tours of the distant ones.
Whose email and phone number go on the accounts, and who is watching the deadlines?
Why ask it
Decide it out loud, because each side tends to assume the other has it. One shared calendar with every form and due date on it prevents the quarrel about a message that sat unread in a parent's inbox.
Do you want to read my applications and essays before they go, or are those mine?
Why ask it
There is no correct answer, only one you should both know in advance. If they want to read, agree whether they are hunting typos or have a vote on the topic, since those are very different readers.
Expectations
How far from home are you comfortable with me going?
Why ask it
Ask for it in hours or in flights, not 'close' or 'far', which mean different things to each of you. Then ask what the distance is really about: the cost of travel, worry, or wanting you at Sunday dinner.
Do you expect me to live at home, or is living on campus part of the plan?
Why ask it
Housing is one of the few large costs a family can choose its way out of, so this is a money question dressed as a rules question. If home is the plan, ask what would change from high school: curfew, the car, chores.
Is there a major or career you are hoping I choose, or one you would not pay for?
Why ask it
Better to hear the condition now than after you have declared a major. If some fields are off their list, ask what frightens them about those. When the fear is that you couldn't support yourself, find out what graduates of that program go on to do and bring it to the next talk.
Are there kinds of colleges you would rule out, or one you have your heart set on for me?
Why ask it
Size, religious affiliation, a rival of the school they attended, a town they think is unsafe: the objections are often ones you would never guess. Each one you learn tonight is an application fee you don't waste.
How would you feel about community college first, a trade program, a gap year or the military?
Why ask it
Name the specific route you are curious about, since parents can welcome one and panic at another. If they went straight through themselves, describe what you would do with the time, because that is the part they can't picture.
What grades do you expect once I'm there, and what happens after one bad semester?
Why ask it
Some families tie their money to a grade point average, and you should know where the line is before you cross it. Check what your scholarships require as well, because a college's rule may be stricter than your parents'.
Will you want to see my grades and bills, and how would that work?
Why ask it
Once you are an adult student, a college may deal with you alone unless you give permission for someone else. Ask each college how parent access works there, then agree on what you will share so it never has to become a standoff.
What would still be my job at home: younger siblings, the family business, helping grandparents?
Why ask it
This matters most if you would live at home or nearby, where family duties can quietly eat a class schedule. Agree on the hours you are not available, and raise it again each semester when your classes move.
What worries you most about me going?
Why ask it
Save it for the end of this group, once the rules are on the table. A lot of those rules turn out to be this worry in costume, and a fear that has been said out loud is easier to plan around than a flat no.
Deciding
Who makes the final choice: me, you, or all of us?
Why ask it
A common split is that the parents set the budget and the student picks inside it. Whatever your version is, hearing it months ahead beats discovering there was a veto in the week deposits are due.
When the offers arrive, will you go through each one with me line by line?
Why ask it
Offer letters can mix grants, loans and work in ways that make an expensive school look cheap. Put the evening on the calendar now, and take anything neither of you can decode to that college's aid office.
If my favorite and the cheapest turn out to be different schools, how should I weigh it?
Why ask it
Put an actual gap on it: would they stretch for a small difference a year and not for a large one? Their line tells you what your preference is worth in dollars, which is uncomfortable and extremely useful.
If the best offer comes in a little short, will you help me ask the college to look at it again?
Why ask it
Colleges differ on whether they reconsider an offer and what they want to see, so ask that aid office for its process before writing anything. You will need your parents either way, because the request tends to rest on their paperwork: a change in income, a large bill, another college's letter.
If no offer turns out to be affordable, what is our plan B?
Why ask it
Choosing the fallback now, while nobody is upset, is kinder than inventing it the week the offers land. A year of work, a start at a cheaper college and a later round of applications are all real routes, and your counselor can say which are open to you locally.
If I get there and it is wrong for me, can I tell you?
Why ask it
What you want is a yes with no conditions attached. A student who expects to be called a failure for transferring or coming home may hide a bad year until it has become an expensive one.
Leaving home
How often do you expect to hear from me, and what counts: a text, a call, a visit?
Why ask it
Say your own number first, then hear theirs: the distance between 'every night' and 'when something happens' is better found at this table than in the first silent week. Settle on a rhythm you can keep through exams too, such as one call on a set day.
How often can we afford for me to come home, and who pays for the trip?
Why ask it
Here the distance question from earlier gets a price. Find out which holidays matter most to them so that, if it can only be two trips a year, they are the right two.
What should I know how to do for myself before I go?
Why ask it
Let them write the list, which might include laundry, a budget, making your own appointments and cooking three dinners. Then ask to be taught the ones you can't do, starting with whichever made them laugh.
How will health insurance, the phone plan and the car work once I've moved out?
Why ask it
Dull, and the source of real surprises in the first semester. Coverage away from home depends on the plan and the place, so have them check with the insurer and compare it with whatever the college offers or requires.
If I run short of money in the middle of a semester, do I call you, and what happens then?
Why ask it
Sort out now what counts as an emergency and what counts as a bad month: a broken laptop or a doctor's bill is one thing, an empty account after a weekend away is another. A parent who has said they would rather hear early gets told early, before a small gap turns into a missed payment.
What do you want the last summer before I leave to look like?
Why ask it
They may have been picturing a family trip while you were picturing a job and your friends. Trading one or two fixed dates now spares both sides a summer of low-grade guilt.
What will be different for you once I'm gone?
Why ask it
A light one to finish on, and the answer is often a surprise: your room, the grocery bill, a plan they have been putting off. It reminds everyone at the table that the change is happening to them as well.
How to have the college talk at home
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you bring it up
Set a time, don't ambush them
Money questions asked across a sink of dishes get a defensive answer. Say during the week that you want an hour on Sunday to talk about paying for college, so they can dig out what they need and settle between themselves what they are willing to say.
Arrive with three prices
Look up the full yearly cost of three colleges you are curious about: a public one nearby, a private one, and one a long way off. Parents who haven't priced college since their own time are often shocked, and it is better for the shock to land in the first five minutes than the last.
One parent or both
If two adults will be paying, ask the Money and Expectations groups with both in the room, or you will carry messages between them for months. Their story is the opposite: it goes better one to one, on a drive or over a chore. If your parents live apart, expect to hold the money talk twice and to compare the answers yourself.
Spread it over several sittings
Six groups are too many for one evening. Their story can happen any time. Money and Applying need a table, paper and no younger siblings listening. Leaving home can wait until there is an acceptance to celebrate.
Getting a number you can use
A ceiling is enough
You do not need to see a pay stub. What sorts a college list is one sentence: the most the family can contribute per year, and the most debt they could live with by graduation. If they will only give a range, plan around the low end.
Say it back and write it down
Before you leave the table, repeat what you heard: the yearly amount, what it covers, for how many years, and whether any of it is a loan from them. Put it in a note you can both see. Memories of this conversation drift, and they drift in each person's favor.
When you hear 'we'll figure it out'
It is meant kindly and it leaves you with nothing to plan on. Try a narrower question, such as whether a specific yearly figure is completely out of reach, clearly fine, or somewhere in between. Three or four of those will fence in the real number without anyone having to announce it.
When the answer is nothing
Some families can't contribute, and some parents believe a student should pay their own way. Either is information, not a verdict on you. Take it to your school counselor and to the aid offices of the colleges you like, and ask what students in your position do there, since the options depend heavily on the college and on where you live.
When it gets tense
They have a school or a major picked out
Ask what the choice would give you in their eyes before you argue with it. 'Close to home' may mean cheap, safe or not lonely, and each of those can be met in more than one way. Bring an alternative that answers the same worry and you are negotiating; bring only a no and you are fighting.
They never went and feel out of their depth
A parent who didn't go to college may go quiet or change the subject because they feel they ought to know this and don't. Say plainly that you don't expect them to have the answers, only to sit beside you while you find them. Then hand them a real job: gathering the tax papers, driving to a visit, reading the offers with you.
They won't share their finances
Don't turn it into a test of trust. Ask what exactly worries them: privacy, a tax or immigration concern, a former partner seeing the figures. Then put that precise worry to an aid office or your counselor, who hear it often and can say how the rules work for your forms.
You're the one getting upset
Hearing that the dream school is unaffordable, or that living at home is the plan, can sting enough to end the talk. Ask for a pause instead of slamming a door: 'I need a day with that.' Then come back with questions, because a parent who has just told you a hard truth is watching to see whether it was safe to.
After the talk
Make a one-page family brief
Write down the ceiling, the debt limit, the distance, any conditions on major or grades, and who owns each form. Show it to them and fix whatever they correct. That page is what you bring to your counselor, and it saves you from arguing settled points again in the spring.
Send the open questions to whoever can answer them
Your parents can tell you what they will pay and what they expect. They usually can't tell you how a savings account is counted, what a separated family puts on a form, or whether an offer can be reviewed. Those go to the account provider, each college's aid office and your school counselor, who can answer for that college and that place.
Ask again when the offers are real
Everything said in the fall was about guesses. Once actual offers arrive, go back through Money and Deciding with the true figures in front of you. Parents often move, in either direction, when a number stops being hypothetical.