Questions to Ask Penpals
Twenty questions for penpals in another country, moving from everyday detail such as greetings and holidays to harder ground like local news, family pressure and what they think of your country. For anyone writing across a border who wants more than a postcard exchange.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What is the first thing you would show me if I turned up in your town tomorrow?
Why ask it
The answer is usually not the famous landmark, and that is the point. What people pick tends to be a market, a stretch of river or a relative's kitchen, which tells you where they actually spend time rather than what the guidebooks list.
What does an ordinary Tuesday evening look like in your house?
Why ask it
Weeknights show household structure: who cooks, who is still at work at nine, whether anyone eats together. Ask about a specific day and you get an account; ask about daily life in general and you get a summary that could describe anyone.
How do people greet each other where you are, and what do visitors get wrong?
Why ask it
This is one of the few culture questions with a genuinely practical answer, since kissing, handshakes and how much distance to leave vary sharply even between neighbouring countries. The mistakes half is what makes it fun to answer rather than a quiz.
Which of your languages do you count in?
Why ask it
People who speak three languages often count, swear and do arithmetic in only one, and it is not always their strongest. The answer says something about their earliest schooling that a direct question about language never gets to.
What is on the table at a family gathering where you live?
Why ask it
Better than asking about national dishes, which produces the tourist menu. Family food brings out region, religion and money, and it often comes with the story of who makes what and who is not allowed near the stove.
Which public holiday matters most where you are, and what actually happens on the day?
Why ask it
The official meaning and the real conduct of a holiday are rarely the same thing. What you learn is the practical shape of it: who travels, what closes, which relatives have to be visited whether anyone wants to or not.
What is expensive where you live that is probably cheap where I am?
Why ask it
This gets at economics without asking about anyone's income. Answers about imported medicine, electronics, coffee or petrol also explain small things in earlier letters, like why they photograph rather than post an item.
What is school or university like where you are, in hours and pressure?
Why ask it
Concrete numbers travel better than impressions: how many hours a day, whether Saturdays count, how much a single exam decides. If they mention an exam that determines their whole path, that is worth remembering before you ask casual questions about their plans.
What is a rule or law where you live that surprises visitors?
Why ask it
Invites them to be the authority on their own place, and the answers range from harmless to revealing. It is also a gentler opening onto politics than a direct question, because they choose how far to go.
What phrase do you use every day that would not survive translation?
Why ask it
This works in writing in a way it never works aloud, because a phrase can be spelled out and unpacked at leisure. The gloss they give you often carries a whole attitude, towards work, luck or complaining, that they would not have described directly.
What should I know about your country before I build my picture of it from films?
Why ask it
Most people abroad have been asked something absurd based on a television show and remember it clearly. Giving them room to correct the record early prevents the slow irritation that ends correspondences without explanation.
What do people where you live actually think of my country?
Why ask it
Expect something less flattering than you get face to face, which is the value of it. A penpal who says only polite things here is either being careful with you or has not been asked in a way that made honesty feel safe.
Which news story is everyone where you are talking about, and what do people disagree about?
Why ask it
Asking what people disagree about, rather than what they think, lets them describe a divided country without declaring a side. If they steer away from it entirely, take that as an answer about their situation and do not push.
What do people your age argue with their parents about?
Why ask it
Generational friction is the quickest route to what is actually changing in a place: marriage timing, religion, leaving for work abroad, money sent home. It is also easier to answer than a question about their own family, since they can generalise first.
Is there a part of your country you avoid, and why?
Why ask it
This can turn out to concern crime, a border, a rivalry between regions, or simply a city they find unbearable. Whatever it is, it corrects the flattened picture you build from tourist images and shows you where the internal lines are drawn.
Whose opinion carries the most weight in your family?
Why ask it
Names the real decision-maker, who is often not the person a stranger would guess. Once you know it, a lot of what they say about choices, work and moving away becomes legible instead of puzzling.
What do you defend about your country abroad but complain about at home?
Why ask it
The double standard everyone has, and admitting it is more honest than either pride or criticism alone. Watch for the answer that is only praise: it usually means they are still treating you as an outsider to be managed.
What would you change about the town you grew up in?
Why ask it
Keeps the scale small enough to be answerable, unlike asking what they would change about the country. Answers about transport, jobs and who left tell you why they stayed or why they are planning not to.
What do you want to ask me but worry might be rude?
Why ask it
Penpals frequently sit on questions about religion, money, weight, guns or family arrangements for months. Inviting them explicitly is the only reliable way to get past the polite phase, and you should be ready to answer plainly.
How many people are you writing to, and what makes a correspondence last for you?
Why ask it
Worth knowing whether you are one of two or one of thirty, since it explains reply times without anyone taking offence. The second half tells you what they will actually keep up with: long letters, short ones, photographs, or a steady rhythm above all.
Writing to penpals in other countries
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before the first exchange
- Check the time difference and the postal time. A friend twelve hours away will never be online when you are, and a letter to some countries can take six weeks each way.
- Say which languages you can read, and how well. People overestimate what to send when they have nothing to go on.
- Ask which channel they prefer. Some correspondents can receive post reliably and cannot pay for data; for others the reverse is true.
- Keep the first message shorter than feels natural. Long opening letters get postponed and then never answered.
Asking about a country without turning them into a spokesman
- Ask what happens where they are, not what their country thinks. No one can answer for ninety million people, and being asked to tends to shut the subject down.
- Ask about their town, their family and their week; let the general picture assemble itself from those.
- When something surprises you, ask how common it is before reacting to it. Plenty of what you read about a place applies to one region only.
- Skip the comparison. Saying that something sounds better or worse than at home converts an exchange into a ranking.
- Let them raise politics, religion and conflict first if they live somewhere those subjects carry risk.
When the reply is thin
They answered only the last question
Standard behaviour when several questions arrive in one paragraph. Send one question at a time for a few rounds and the letters usually get longer on their own.
The answers read like a brochure
Early letters often stay at the level of national pride and beautiful scenery. Asking about cost, journey times and family arrangements moves it to ground where only they know the answer.
They avoided a subject entirely
Assume it was on purpose. Repeating the question in the next letter is how a correspondent decides you are not safe to write to, and there is rarely a way back from that.
Replies have slowed right down
Before concluding anything, consider post, exams, national holidays and outages. A short note that expects no reply keeps the thread open without adding pressure.
Practical matters that come up
- Postage and customs. Ask what can arrive before you send anything with batteries, food or seeds in it, and expect a parcel to be opened.
- Sending photographs. Ask first if their household would rather not have images sent, and never post pictures of someone else's children.
- Money. Requests for funds, gift cards or phone credit are the point at which to slow down, however sympathetic the reason, and however long you have been writing.
- Translation tools. Say when you have used one. It explains any stiffness in your phrasing and gives them permission to do the same.
- Holidays and calendars. Note their major dates somewhere, including any fasting month, so a cheerful letter about food does not land in the wrong week.