Questions to Ask Someone in Jail
Questions for a visit, a phone call or a letter to someone who is in jail or prison. Written plainly, with practical questions about their conditions and needs alongside the ones that keep an ordinary relationship going. Calls and mail are generally monitored, so the guide covers what belongs in this conversation and what does not.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
How are you sleeping and eating?
A plain opener that does not require them to summarise anything. Sleep and food are the two things that change first and that people will answer honestly about, and the answer tells you more about how they are doing than a direct question about their mood would.
- 2
What does a normal day look like in there?
Most people on the outside have no picture of the routine, and describing it is easy talking for someone who has little else to report. It also gives you the vocabulary, the times and the names you will need for every later conversation.
- 3
What do you have access to: yard time, phone, commissary, library, programmes?
Access varies enormously between facilities and between units in the same facility. Knowing what they can reach tells you what is worth arranging from outside and what is not available no matter who you call.
- 4
Do you need money on your account, and what is the right way to send it?
Facilities accept deposits through specific approved services, and money sent the wrong way is often returned or lost. Ask for the exact name of the service, the identification number they go by, and any limit on how much can be received.
- 5
What can I send you, and what are the rules about it?
Rules are strict and unintuitive: books often only direct from an approved retailer, limits on photographs, nothing with staples, no card with glitter, no printed messages. Ask them to read you the list rather than guessing, because a rejected package can count against them.
- 6
What is the visiting schedule, and what do I need to do to be approved?
Visitor approval usually requires an application, identification and sometimes a wait of weeks. Ask about days, length, whether it is in person or by video, dress rules and whether children are allowed, before you plan a trip.
- 7
Are you getting your medication and any care you were already having?
Continuity of medical care is a common problem during an intake or a transfer. Ask what they were on, what they are receiving now, and who they have told. If something has stopped, that belongs with their lawyer or the facility's medical unit rather than with you alone.
- 8
Is there anything I should not talk about on this line?
Calls and video visits are usually recorded and monitored, and general mail is normally read. Asking this directly signals that you understand, and lets them tell you which subjects to keep for their lawyer instead of finding out later that a call was used.
- 9
Are you able to reach your lawyer, and do they have your current contact details?
This is a practical question, not a legal one. People move units and lose access to a number, and a defence lawyer who cannot reach a client cannot prepare. Anything about the case itself should go to the lawyer, in a legal call or a legal visit.
- 10
Who else have you heard from, and who have you not?
This maps their support quietly, without asking whether they are lonely. The names missing from the list are often people who assume they are not wanted, and a message from you to one of them can change the next month.
- 11
Is there anything out here you need me to deal with?
Be specific with the prompts: rent, a car, mail piling up, a phone contract, a pet, an employer, a benefits claim. Small unattended things become large ones fast, and they may not want to ask directly.
- 12
Does anyone need to be told, and do you want to be the one who tells them?
Children, an employer, an elderly parent, a landlord. Some of these are theirs to handle and some they would rather you took. Getting the split agreed early avoids the version where two people tell the same person two different things.
- 13
What is the hardest part of the day?
More answerable than asking how they are coping. Answers tend to be specific, such as the hours after lock-in, or mail call when nothing arrives, and that specificity gives you something you can actually respond to.
- 14
What are you reading, and what should I read so we can talk about it?
This gives the relationship a subject that has nothing to do with where they are. Reading the same thing means the next call has somewhere to go besides the news from home, and it is one of the few things you can genuinely do together.
- 15
What is the best time and the best way to reach you?
Phone access is often limited to certain hours and to blocks of minutes, and calls can cost money on both ends. Sorting the practicalities once stops the pattern of missed calls that people read as being forgotten.
- 16
What do you want to hear about from out here, and what would you rather not?
Some people want every detail of ordinary life and some find it unbearable. Asking spares you from guessing, and stops you censoring news about birthdays, jobs and children in a way they never asked for.
- 17
Is there anything you want me to bring to court, or anyone you would want in the room?
For someone with a hearing coming up, this is a concrete thing you can do. Ask their lawyer what is appropriate, since letters of support and courtroom attendance have their own conventions and timings.
- 18
What are you working on in there, if anything?
Education, a trade, a programme, a job in the facility. Asking treats their time as time rather than a gap, and their answer tells you whether they can access anything at all, which varies enormously.
- 19
What are you worried about that you have not said out loud?
Ask late, once the practical business is done, and then wait. Common answers are about a child, a relationship, a health problem, or what happens on the day they get out. Let it be said without you rushing to fix it.
- 20
What would help most right now: me talking, or me listening?
Visits and calls are short and easily filled with your news. Handing them the choice is a small piece of control in a place with very little of it, and their answer will often surprise you.
Practical notes for visits, calls and letters
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
Assume it is monitored
Assume it is monitored
Phone calls, video visits and general mail are typically recorded, monitored or read, and recordings can be used later. Keep anything about the charges, the evidence or the defence out of the conversation and leave it to their lawyer, who can speak with them privately. Legal mail and legal calls follow separate rules, and their lawyer can explain what those are in that facility. If you are unsure whether something is safe to say, the safe assumption is that it is not.
Practical arrangements worth sorting early
Practical arrangements worth sorting early
- Get on the approved visitor and contact list, which usually needs an application and identification and can take weeks.
- Find out the exact approved method for sending money, and the identification number to send it under.
- Ask for the mail rules in writing, including what can be sent, from where, and any limit on photographs or pages.
- Learn the phone system: hours, cost, how calls are set up, and whether an account has to be funded in advance.
- Keep a note of the facility, unit and identification number, since a transfer changes the address and the rules at once.
How to be a good correspondent
How to be a good correspondent
- Write regularly and briefly rather than rarely and at length. Frequency matters more than eloquence at mail call.
- Send ordinary news. The weather, the garden, what the dog did. It is what most people say they miss.
- Do not make promises about visits or money that you are not certain you can keep.
- Avoid asking what they did, and avoid pressing for remorse. Neither belongs in a monitored conversation with you.
- Look after yourself as well. Supporting someone inside is a long commitment, and it goes better with other people helping you carry it.