Questions to Ask Students About Their Behavior
For teachers, counselors and deans sitting down one to one with a student after an incident, or after the same trouble for the third time. The questions follow the order a restorative conversation usually takes: the student's account first, then the thoughts and feelings behind it, the people it landed on, the repair and the plan for next time, with a last group for behavior that keeps coming back. They are worded for a calm, private talk once everyone has cooled down, they work on a written reflection sheet as well as out loud, and 'why did you do that?' is not among them.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
What happened
Can you tell me what happened, in your own words?
Why ask it
Open with this and then say nothing until the student has finished. An account given without interruption is usually longer and more complete than one pulled out by questions, and you can check the details against other accounts later. If all you get is 'nothing', describe the part you saw yourself and ask what you missed.
What was going on just before it started?
Why ask it
The part you saw is usually the middle of the story. A comment in the hallway, a grade handed back or a seat change ten minutes earlier is often the real start, and knowing it tells you whether the same thing is likely to happen tomorrow.
What were you supposed to be doing at that moment?
Why ask it
It separates a student who did not know the expectation from one who knew it and did something else. 'I didn't know we had to stay in our seats' sends you back to how the instruction was given, and 'the worksheet' lets you move straight on. Keep your voice flat, because the same words with an edge on them are a telling-off.
What exactly did you say or do?
Why ask it
Students tend to describe everyone else's part in detail and their own in a blur: 'I just reacted.' Ask for the actions one at a time, the words they chose, where their hands were, where they went next. Resist finishing the sentence for them, because an account in your words is one they can disown later.
What happened right after?
Why ask it
The answer shows whether it stopped by itself, grew, or was stopped by someone. It also shows what the student got from it: a laugh, a way out of a lesson, a classmate who backed off. Keep that in mind for the questions about next time.
Where were you, and who else was around?
Why ask it
Place and audience change what the behavior meant. Something done in front of a full lunch table may have been for the table, so ask what would have happened if nobody had been watching. Take names only as facts about who was there, and do not press the student to report on friends.
Is there anything in the account I was given that you think is wrong?
Why ask it
Give the version you have first, in two or three flat sentences, then ask. A student who thinks the record is unfair will keep arguing with it, and being allowed to correct one small detail often makes it easier to own the rest. If the two accounts stay apart, write down both; who settles the difference depends on your school's process.
Which part of this was your choice?
Why ask it
Save it until the student has been heard out, or it sounds like a trap. Most can find one piece, even if it is only 'I didn't walk away', and that piece is what the rest of the conversation builds on. A student who says 'none of it' is not ready yet, so go back to the account and try again later.
On a scale of one to ten, how serious was it, and why that number?
Why ask it
The number matters less than the gap between theirs and yours. If a student gives a two to something that frightened a classmate, ask what would have made it a five. A ten can mean the student is more scared of the consequence than you realized, in which case explain what happens next before you go on.
Is there anything you left out because you were worried about getting someone in trouble?
Why ask it
Ask it without promising that the answer stays between the two of you. What you are required to pass on is set by your school's safeguarding and reporting rules, so know them before you start and say honestly what you cannot keep private.
Thinking and feeling
What was going through your head when you did it?
Why ask it
This takes the place of 'why did you do that?', which most students answer with 'I don't know' because it sounds like a demand for an excuse. Thoughts are easier to report: 'he was laughing at me', 'I thought everyone was looking'. Repeat the thought back in their words before you ask anything else.
What were you hoping would happen?
Why ask it
A lot of misbehavior is after something ordinary: a laugh, a way out of the work, some distance, a turn at being noticed. Once the student has named it, you have a question for later in the talk, which is how else they could get that same thing. 'Nothing' often means they have not thought about it, so offer two or three guesses and let them pick.
How were you feeling in the minutes before?
Why ask it
With younger students, offer words to choose from or point to a feelings chart: angry, embarrassed, bored, worried, left out. Older students who first say 'mad' sometimes change it to 'embarrassed' once that word is on the table, and the two call for different plans.
What did you notice in your body right before it happened?
Why ask it
A hot face, clenched hands, a loud voice, a leg that will not stay still. The sign only earns its place if you come back to it later, as the cue for whatever the student agrees to do next time. Skip it with a teenager who would find the question ridiculous.
Was there a moment when you could have stopped, and what got in the way?
Why ask it
Many students can point to the second: when the other person laughed, when you said their name in front of the class. That moment is where a plan has to fit, so write it down. If what got in the way was something an adult did, hear it without defending it yet.
What have you thought about since it happened?
Why ask it
It needs a gap to work, so it suits the next morning better than the next five minutes. Listen for whether the thinking is about the other person, about the consequence, or about being caught. All three are honest, and each tells you where to go next.
How do you feel about it now?
Why ask it
Do not go looking for remorse. A student asked to produce it on the spot will either perform it or refuse, and neither tells you anything. 'Still mad' is a useful answer: it means the questions about making it right should wait a day.
Is anything else going on, in school or out of it, that is making things harder right now?
Why ask it
Ask once, plainly, and take 'no' for an answer. If the student does tell you something that worries you about their safety or wellbeing, the behavior talk is over for today: follow your school's procedure for passing a concern on, and never promise to keep it secret.
Who was affected
Who was affected by what happened?
Why ask it
Students name the obvious person and stop. Ask 'who else?' at least twice, because the list usually runs on to the class that lost ten minutes, the friend who got pulled in, the person who cleaned up and the parent who will take the phone call.
How do you think they felt when it happened, and how might they be feeling today?
Why ask it
Say the other person's name when you ask. A guess is all you need, and 'I don't know' can be met with 'what would you guess?' If you have spoken to the other student and have permission to share it, one sentence of what they said does more than any amount of imagining.
What did the rest of the class lose while this was going on?
Why ask it
Good for disruption with no single person on the receiving end. Keep it concrete and small: the end of the experiment, the instructions that had to be given twice, the quiet somebody needed to finish a test. A lecture about respect covers the same ground and gets tuned out.
What do you think that rule is there for?
Why ask it
An answer like 'so we don't get in trouble' means the rule is still only a tripwire to the student, and the talk about other people has not landed yet. If they argue that the rule is pointless, hear the case out. You can say who at your school it could be raised with, while being clear that it applied on the day.
How did it affect you?
Why ask it
The student belongs on the list too, and is often surprised to be put there. A missed lesson, a friend who is keeping their distance, a teacher who now watches more closely: these are costs the student cares about, and they make the case for change better than yours do.
What do you think it was like for me when that happened?
Why ask it
Only for incidents aimed at you or at your lesson, and only once you are no longer angry about it. Say your side in one sentence afterward, such as 'I was worried someone would get hurt', and leave out the guilt. If you cannot ask it evenly, let a colleague hold this conversation.
If someone had done the same thing to you, what would you want from them afterward?
Why ask it
This is the bridge from who was affected to what to do about it. Whatever the student says they would want, whether an apology, being left alone or their things back, is a first draft of what they could offer. Write it down and bring it back in the next group of questions.
Making it right
What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
Why ask it
Ask before you offer any ideas of your own. The first proposal is often a quick 'say sorry' or nothing at all, so ask what the other person would think of that offer and let the student revise it. A repair the student came up with is one they have a reason to carry out.
Is there something you want to say to anyone, and how would you like to say it?
Why ask it
An apology ordered by an adult is worth little to the person receiving it. Offer the choices: face to face, in a note, with you in the room or without. Check with the other person first, since they may not want to hear it yet, and that is theirs to decide.
What can you fix, replace or clean up?
Why ask it
For damage, mess and lost time, this is the most direct repair there is, and younger students understand it at once. Keep it tied to the harm: wiping the desk they wrote on, not an unrelated chore. Anything that involves money or work around the building is a matter for school policy and the family, so ask before you agree to it.
What would the other person need in order to feel fine sitting near you again?
Why ask it
The student can only guess, so treat the answer as a starting point and put the same question to the other person separately. Whether the two of them meet is for the student who was hurt to decide, within whatever process your school follows. Do not arrange it on the strength of this answer alone.
What do you need from me to help you make this right?
Why ask it
It may be five minutes at the start of class to speak to someone, a word from you to another teacher, or company while they do it. Agree only to what you will really do. A student who says 'nothing' may still need you to set up the moment, so offer one specific thing.
What do you think a fair consequence would be?
Why ask it
Say first whether the consequence is yours to set. Many are fixed by the school's code of conduct, and asking as though it were open and then imposing the standard one is worse than not asking. Where you do have room, the student's answer is often sterner than yours and gives you something to scale down.
When will you do it, and how will I know it is done?
Why ask it
Without a day attached, a repair plan is a good intention. Agree on when, and on what you will see: the note handed over, the display back on the wall. Put it in your own planner as well, because the student will notice whether you remembered.
Once that is done, what would a fresh start look like tomorrow?
Why ask it
Students who are often in trouble can come to believe nothing is ever really over. Say what you will do: greet them as usual, leave the incident out of anything said in front of the class. Be straight about what stays on file, which depends on your school, so that a clean slate with you is not mistaken for a clean record.
Next time
If the same situation comes up tomorrow, what will you do instead?
Why ask it
Hold out for something the student can actually do. 'Be good' and 'not do it' are not actions, and 'walk away' needs a destination. Have them say the exact sentence or show the move once, out loud, before they leave the room.
What will be the first sign that it is starting again?
Why ask it
Go back to what they said about their body and about the moment they could have stopped. The earlier the sign, the easier the exit, so 'when he starts whispering' is a better cue than 'when I'm about to shout'. Write the sign and the action side by side on a card the student keeps.
What helps you calm down that you could really do in a classroom?
Why ask it
Students offer things that work at home and are impossible in third period, like music or going outside. Narrow it to what fits the room: a drink of water, head down for a minute, a job that involves walking somewhere. Check with their other teachers before you promise it holds in those rooms too.
How can you let me know you need a minute without stopping the lesson?
Why ask it
Agree on something small and private, such as a card turned over on the desk or a word nobody else would notice. Then settle the terms: where the student goes, for how long, and how they come back in. Whether a student may leave the room alone is a school rule, so find out before you offer it.
What could I do differently that would make this less likely?
Why ask it
Expect 'nothing' the first time, then something like 'don't say my name in front of everyone' or 'give me a warning first'. Take one request you can honor and say so out loud. An agreement that runs in both directions gives the student less reason to see it as something done to them.
Who or what makes it harder for you to stay out of trouble, and what do you want to do about it?
Why ask it
The usual answers are a seat, a friend or a particular time of day. Let the student make the proposal, since moving away from a friend by choice is a different experience from being moved. If they name another student as the problem, hear it and then return to the half of it they control.
What is one thing you will do this week that is small enough to really happen?
Why ask it
A promise to be perfect fails by Tuesday. Something like 'start the first question before talking to anyone' can be done today and noticed by you. When you do notice, tell the student quietly on the same day.
If I speak to your family about this, what would you want them to hear from you first?
Why ask it
Whether and when home is contacted is usually a matter of school policy, so do not hint that it might not happen if it will. Where there is a choice of order, letting the student tell it first, or sit beside you during the call, changes how the news lands. Watch the reaction to this question, and pass on anything that concerns you through the school's usual channel.
When should we check in again, and what would you like to be able to tell me by then?
Why ask it
Set the day now, and keep it within a week or so while it still matters. The second half hands the student the measure, such as 'that I got through math without being sent out'. Make the check-in two minutes at the door, not another sit-down, unless there is something to fix.
Repeat behavior
This is the third time we have talked about this. What do you think keeps happening?
Why ask it
Change the number to the true one and say it as a fact, with no sigh. Students often have a theory nobody has asked for, and it is frequently practical: the class comes straight after lunch, the seat is next to the door. Test their theory before your own.
When does this usually happen: which class, what time of day, and who is around?
Why ask it
Bring whatever record you have, keep it face down, and ask first. Then compare. Where the student's picture and the log agree, you have found the place to change something, and where they differ you have something to talk about.
Where does this never happen, and what is different there?
Why ask it
Most students have a class, a teacher or a part of the day with no trouble in it. Get the details of what is different: where they sit, how the lesson starts, whether they can do the work. Then put the same question to the teacher of that class, and see what can be borrowed.
What did we agree last time, and which part of it did not work?
Why ask it
Ask the student to recall the plan before you read it out. If they cannot, the plan was yours, not theirs. If they can, find out where it broke: too big, impossible in the moment, or dropped after two days because nobody checked.
Is the work in this class too hard, too easy, or does it just not seem worth doing?
Why ask it
Three options make it possible to answer without saying 'I can't do it' outright. Compare the answer with when the incidents fall: trouble that arrives with reading aloud or written tasks points you at the task. Deciding whether a student should be assessed for extra support is not a job for this conversation, so ask who handles that at your school.
When you get sent out of the room, is that a bad result for you or a good one?
Why ask it
It is a fair question that rarely gets asked, and students tend to answer it frankly. If leaving is a relief, the standard response may be working against you, and the other adults involved need to hear that. What can replace removal depends on your school's policy, so raise it with whoever sets it.
What do adults at this school get wrong about you?
Why ask it
Let the answer run without correcting it, even where you disagree. You will hear which incident the student believes fixed their reputation and which teachers they have given up on. Pick one thing from the answer that you can check or change, and report back.
When did a school day last go well for you, and what were you doing?
Why ask it
A student with a long file can forget that such days exist, and so can the staff. The answer usually has a person, a task or a responsibility in it. Find a way to put more of that into the week, and tell the student that this is why you asked.
Which adult here would you go to before things got this far?
Why ask it
If there is a name, ask the student's permission to tell that person, then agree how the student reaches them during a lesson. If there is no name, that is the finding, and the next step is to work out who could become that adult. It does not have to be you.
How to hold a behavior conversation with a student
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you sit down
Wait for calm, yours included
Minutes after an incident, a student is still defending themselves and you may still be annoyed. Deal with safety and the lesson first, tell the student when you will talk, and hold the conversation later that day or the next morning. With the youngest children the wait has to be short, since by tomorrow the event may be gone; an hour is often enough.
Pick a place that is private but not hidden
A student will not answer honestly with classmates in earshot, so the hallway outside your own door during a lesson is a poor choice. An empty classroom with the door open or a corner of the library works. Schools have their own rules about staff being alone with a student, so check yours and follow it.
Find out what you can first
Read the referral, speak to the adult who was there and, where it is your role, hear the other student before this one. Then hold what you have learned loosely. The point of What happened is to hear an account, and a student can tell when the verdict was written before they sat down.
Know what you cannot keep private
Before you ask a student to be open, be clear with yourself about what you would have to pass on and to whom. That is set by your school's safeguarding and reporting procedures and by local law, not by this page, so ask the person responsible if you are unsure. Tell the student the limit in a sentence at the start.
Choose a few from each group
Nobody should be taken through the whole list. Two from What happened, two from Thinking and feeling, and one or two from each of Who was affected, Making it right and Next time make a conversation of ten to fifteen minutes. Leave Repeat behavior for a second or third meeting about the same thing.
While you are talking
Say what the talk is for
Open with one sentence: 'I want to hear your side, work out who was affected and agree what happens next.' If a consequence has already been set, say so now. A student who is waiting to find out the punishment hears none of the questions in between.
Ask 'what', not 'why'
'Why did you do that?' sounds like an accusation and tends to produce a shrug or an excuse. None of the questions on this page opens with why, for that reason. If a 'why' slips out, rephrase it as 'what were you hoping would happen?'
Leave the silence alone
After a question, count slowly to ten before you speak again. A student may spend the first few seconds deciding whether it is safe to answer, and an adult who fills the gap answers for them. Looking at a notepad instead of at the student makes the wait easier on both of you.
Fit it to the age
For a six-year-old, three questions are plenty: what happened, who got hurt or upset, and what can you do to make it better, with drawing allowed. From about nine, most of the list is within reach. Teenagers often talk more easily side by side, while walking or straightening up a room, than across a desk.
Put it on paper when talking is not working
Some students write what they would never say. A reflection sheet is simply a handful of these questions with space under each, one from every group, filled in somewhere quiet and then talked through with you. It stops being reflection the moment it is handed out as a punishment or left unread.
After the conversation
End on one agreement, written down
Finish with a single sentence the student helped to word: what they will do, what you will do, and when you will check. Give them a copy. Three promises are forgotten faster than one.
Do your part first
If you said you would move a seat, speak to another teacher or give a warning before saying a name, do it the next day. Students test whether the adult's half of the deal was real, and a plan where only one side delivered will not survive a second incident.
Make the next morning ordinary
Greet the student as you greet everyone else and do not mention the incident in front of the class. A raised eyebrow that says 'remember our talk' undoes the fresh start. Keep your comments for the check-in you agreed.
Tell the people who need to know
The student who was hurt should hear what was agreed, at least in outline, or they will assume nothing happened. Colleagues who teach the same student need the signal or the plan if it is meant to hold in their rooms. What goes in the behavior log, who can read it and what is sent home are set by your school, so ask how it works there.
Where these questions stop working
What you hear is a safety concern
If a student describes being harmed, harming themselves or planning to hurt someone, stop working through the list. Listen, do not investigate, and follow your school's procedure for reporting a concern right away. A set of reflection questions is not the tool for that moment.
Requiring an apology
A student made to say sorry learns the words, and the other person can hear that. Ask what they want to say and whether they are ready, and accept 'not yet'. An apology that comes two days late and unprompted is worth the wait.
Turning it into a hearing
Two or three adults across a table, questions fired quickly and a file open in front of you make an interrogation, whatever the wording. If the incident is serious enough to need a formal investigation, that has its own process at your school and should not be run through this list.
Letting the talk replace the consequence, or become it
A restorative conversation and a consequence do different jobs, and your school's code of conduct decides when one is required. Do not promise that talking makes a sanction disappear unless that is true. Equally, do not present the conversation as the punishment, or the student will answer accordingly.
Bringing two students together too soon
A joint meeting can help once both have been heard separately and both agree to it. It should never be sprung on the student who was hurt, who may reasonably say no. Where one student has been targeting another over time, ask how your school handles it before putting them in the same room.