Questions to Ask to See if Someone Is Lying
For a parent, partner, manager or friend who has been told a story and is not sure of it. The 45 questions run in the order such a conversation goes best: the full story first, then detail and sequence, then asking for it again, then facts you can check, and the direct question last. No question is a lie detector, so each note says what an answer can show, what it cannot, and what to do with it.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The full story
Can you tell me what happened, from the start, in your own words?
Why ask it
Ask it and then stay quiet until they stop. A whole account told in their own order gives you something to hold later answers against, which a run of yes-or-no questions never does. A short version proves nothing by itself, because some honest people tell short stories.
What were you doing earlier that day, before any of this?
Why ask it
Nothing rides on the ordinary part of the day, so this shows you how the person talks when they have no reason to be careful. Compare the rest of the conversation with that, not with your idea of how a truthful person ought to sound.
Where were you, and who were you with?
Why ask it
Most people open with this one, and it does more as a follow-up. Once the story has been told, it fills in the place and the company the account left vague. Ask it the way you would about any evening and take both answers without comment: a place and a name are the two things you can confirm later.
How did you end up there in the first place?
Why ask it
Most outings have a lead-up: an invitation, a change of plan, a favor for someone. If the answer starts in the middle, ask once more and more plainly, 'whose idea was it?' The lead-up also gives you the person who made the plan, and that is someone who can be asked.
What was going through your mind when that happened?
Why ask it
The idea is that a person recalling a real moment has a thought to go with it ('I figured he was joking'), and that the thought fits what was going on. Take whatever comes. A shrug tells you nothing, because teenagers and private adults give that answer about true stories every day.
And then what happened?
Why ask it
It is the plainest follow-up there is, and it keeps them telling the story instead of you guessing at it. Use it as often as you need, all the way to the dull ending. If you catch yourself offering the next step ('so then you went home?'), stop: a story you helped write cannot be tested.
Is there a part of this you would rather not go into?
Why ask it
Leaving something out and lying are different things, and this lets the person admit the first without committing the second. If the answer is yes, ask what makes it hard to say before you ask what it is. You learn where the gap is either way.
Is there anything you skipped because it seemed too small to mention?
Why ask it
Small things are where two versions of an evening either meet or don't: a stop for gas, a call taken outside. It also gives an honest person an easy way to add what they forgot, so treat an addition here as help and not as a slip.
Detail and order
About when was that, and what makes you sure of the time?
Why ask it
The second half does the work. A time tied to a bus, a text or the end of a shift can be looked up, while 'around eight' is a guess, and honest guesses can be well off. Note the anchor, not the number.
What did they say to you, and what did you say back?
Why ask it
'She said it was fine' is a summary. Asking for both sides of the exchange gets you words you can put to the other person later. Nobody recalls a conversation line for line, so rough wording is normal and a perfect script is the odder answer.
What was the place like when you got there: busy, quiet, loud?
Why ask it
Someone who was there can usually answer without effort, because they are remembering and not composing. Alone it is weak evidence. A person can describe a cafe they visited last month just as easily, so pair it with something you can check.
What do you remember most about it?
Why ask it
An ordinary, curious question, and it sounds like interest because it is. A person recalling a real evening tends to have something that stuck: a joke, an argument, the food. Whatever they name is one more thing the others who were there would remember too, so keep it for when you speak to them.
Which came first, the phone call or leaving the house?
Why ask it
Swap in any two events from their account. Order is something people get wrong honestly, especially when upset, so one mix-up is ordinary. Make a note of the answer and ask again much later in the conversation: an order that changes every time deserves a second look.
How long were you there?
Why ask it
Add the answer to the other times they have given and see whether the day still fits together. Do the sum later, by yourself. Arithmetic done at someone across the table turns a conversation into a cross-examination, and people stop offering detail.
Did anything go wrong or not go to plan?
Why ask it
Few evenings run to plan: the place was shut, someone was late, a card was declined. Asking for the snag sounds like interest, and a snag is often something another person there would remember. If the answer is that it all went smoothly, leave it. Some evenings do.
What is the last thing you remember doing before you left?
Why ask it
Leaving is a moment most people can picture: paying, finding a coat, saying goodbye to someone in particular. It also hands you the end of the timeline, which you need before any of the times can be compared.
How did you get home, and what was the trip like?
Why ask it
This carries the story past the point where it seemed to finish, into the part nobody thinks about: the route, who drove, who was still awake at the other end. Expect some hunting for it, since nobody memorizes a trip home. What you gain is a time and perhaps a driver who can be asked.
Is there any part of it you can't remember clearly?
Why ask it
Everyone's memory of an ordinary evening has holes, and this gives the person leave to say where theirs are instead of filling them with guesses. Mark those parts as unknown, not as suspicious. They are the ones to settle with a record or another person, because asking harder will not bring them back.
Telling it again
Can you go through it once more so I'm sure I have it right?
Why ask it
Say why you are asking, as the question does, so it does not land as a trap. Expect the second telling to come out in different words and to pick up a detail or two, which happens with true stories. Listen for whether the main events (who, where, what was done) stay where they were.
Can we go through it backward? What was the last thing that happened, and what came just before?
Why ask it
Keep asking 'and before that?' until you are back at the start. Telling anything backward is hard work, so expect hesitations and do not time them. All you want to know is whether the same events turn up, in the same places, once the practiced order is taken away.
Can you go back to the part where you got the message and tell me that bit slowly?
Why ask it
Pick the stretch that matters most and use the person's own words for it. Slowing one part down brings out detail the quick version skated over, and it is gentler than making them repeat everything. Change 'the message' to whatever the turning point was.
If I had been standing next to you, what would I have seen?
Why ask it
It asks for the same events from a new angle, which someone remembering a real scene can usually manage. Good for a child's account of a fight at school, where 'he started it' is a verdict and what a bystander saw is a description.
How would the other person there tell it?
Why ask it
Most people can predict where a friend, sibling or coworker would differ, and will say so: 'she'd say I was late'. That prediction is useful when you speak to the other person. A firm claim that both versions would match exactly is the unusual answer, since two honest people rarely tell one evening the same way.
I heard that two different ways. Which one should I go with?
Why ask it
Put the two versions side by side without saying which you believe. An honest slip gets fixed quickly, often with a reason ('no, six was when I left work'). Do not pounce on the first mismatch. Everyone misspeaks, and one inconsistency is thin grounds for calling someone a liar.
What did you tell your dad when he asked about this?
Why ask it
Change the name to whoever else has heard the story: the other parent, a coworker, a friend. Tellings to different people will differ in emphasis, and that is normal. A different set of facts for each listener is the thing to notice, and you only find that out by asking the listener too.
I keep thinking about Friday. Can you tell me again how it went?
Why ask it
Asked days later, once the subject has cooled, and it admits the thing is still on your mind instead of pretending you forgot. An account that comes back with the same outline in different words is a good sign. Use it sparingly: putting the same question week after week is not checking a story, it is wearing someone down.
Things you can check
Who would remember you being there?
Why ask it
A name turns a claim into something another person can confirm. Notice whether the people offered are ones you could really ask, or only ones who happen to be out of reach. Then decide whether you will ask them, because checking is the whole point of the question.
Would it be all right if I asked them about it?
Why ask it
Someone with nothing to hide may still say no, out of embarrassment or anger at not being believed, so a refusal is not a confession. Listen for the reason. Only say you will check if you mean to: a bluff that gets called costs you more than the lie did.
Do you have anything from that day I could look at, like a photo or a message?
Why ask it
For someone telling the truth this can be a relief, because a photo ends the argument. Let them choose what to show and hold the phone themselves. Demanding the device is a different act from accepting what is offered, and between adults it usually starts a second fight.
What was the place called, and where is it?
Why ask it
A name and a street can be looked up in a minute: whether it exists, its hours, whether it was open that day. Do the looking afterward, quietly. If it checks out, give that the same weight you would have given a mismatch.
How much was it, and how did you pay?
Why ask it
Money leaves a trail that memory does not: a card charge, a cash withdrawal, a payment to a friend. For missing money at home or an expense claim at work, the amount and the method are the two facts that can be matched to a record.
When I look at the statement, what am I going to find?
Why ask it
Swap in the record that applies: the grade portal, the timesheet, the call log on a shared plan. It gives the person a chance to tell you first, which is fairer than springing it. Stick to records you are entitled to see. At work, ask HR what a manager may look at, because that differs from one employer and one place to the next.
Can I have a look at it?
Why ask it
For claims about a thing that exists: the finished homework, the sent email, the repaired fence. Looking takes a minute and involves no judgment of anyone's face or voice. Ask early and in an ordinary tone, before it has turned into a demand for proof.
Did you mention this to anyone at the time it happened?
Why ask it
A text sent that evening or a remark to a friend the next morning was made before anyone doubted the story, which makes it stronger than anything said now. No is a common and innocent answer. Plenty of true things are never mentioned to anybody.
What would settle this, as far as you can see?
Why ask it
It hands the problem to the person best placed to solve it. Someone telling the truth may have an idea you had not thought of, such as a parking ticket or a coworker who was on the same call. 'Nothing, you just have to trust me' can be true as well, and then the decision about trust is yours.
The direct question
I saw the charge on the card. Can you tell me about it?
Why ask it
When you already hold a fact, say so. Asking innocent-sounding questions while sitting on the answer is a trap, and a person who feels trapped often digs in. Put in the fact you have, state it without a verdict attached, and leave room for an explanation you did not expect.
Here is the part that doesn't add up for me. Can you explain it?
Why ask it
Name one gap, the biggest, and describe it plainly: 'you said you were at practice, and the coach says it was canceled'. A good answer deals with that gap. If the reply moves to your tone, your trust or something you did last year, say you will come back to that and put the gap to them once more.
Why do you think I'm having trouble believing this?
Why ask it
It asks the person to look at the story from your side, and some will point to the weak spot themselves. If past lies are the real reason, say so. That is a fair thing to tell someone, and it is different from having evidence about this occasion.
What do you think should happen to someone who did this?
Why ask it
This one gets passed around as a tell, on the theory that whoever did it will argue for going easy. Don't lean on that: forgiving people are lenient about everything, and anyone can say 'they should be punished'. Its real use is practical. A child or an employee tells you what they think is fair before any consequence has been set.
Did you do it?
Why ask it
Replace 'it' with the exact thing: 'Did you take the twenty from my bag?' A vague question gets a vague denial. Hear whether the reply is a no or only an objection, such as 'why would I do that?', and if it is an objection, ask one more time. How a denial sounds proves nothing, since calm people lie and flustered people tell the truth.
Are you telling me the truth?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone says yes, so the answer itself is worth little. What it does is mark the moment: the person now knows this is the version you are going to rely on. Ask it once, and don't claim afterward that you could see the truth in their eyes. A face does not reliably show that.
You won't be in more trouble for telling me now. What really happened?
Why ask it
A parent's question first, though it works between adults in other words. A lie is often told to dodge the reaction more than the consequence, so lowering the cost of honesty can do more than raising the pressure. Offer it only if you will keep it, because a promise broken here makes the next true answer less likely.
What were you afraid would happen if you told me?
Why ask it
For after something has come out, or when you are fairly sure and want to understand it. The answer is often about you: your temper, your disappointment, a punishment that seemed out of scale. It is uncomfortable to hear, and it is the part you can change.
Before I check, is there anything you want to change?
Why ask it
A last open door, offered without threat. A correction made now is worth more to both of you than one forced out by a phone call, and you can say so. If nothing changes, go and check, as you said you would.
Can we come back to this tomorrow?
Why ask it
Not every doubt has to be settled in one sitting. A night gives an honest person time to remember the detail that explains everything, and gives someone who shaded the story a chance to come back with the rest. Name a time, and keep it.
How to question a story fairly
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask anything
Decide what you need to know
Write down the one fact that matters: where the money went, whether the shift was worked, who was in the car. A conversation aimed at 'are you a liar' has no end. One aimed at a single fact can finish.
Check what you can check first
If a receipt, a calendar, a teacher or a timesheet would answer the question, look there before you ask the person. You may find there is nothing to ask. If there is, you will be asking about a fact and not about a feeling.
Pick a calm, private moment
Not at the front door, not in front of siblings or coworkers, not when either of you is angry or worn out. An audience makes it harder to back down from a lie, and a rushed conversation produces rushed answers that look like evasions.
Be honest about how sure you are
Hold on to the possibility that the story is true. If you have already decided, every answer will look like confirmation, and the person will notice and stop trying to explain.
Asking so the truth is easy to tell
Follow the order of the list
The whole story first, then detail, then a second telling, then facts, and the direct question last. Opening with the accusation gets you a denial and nothing to compare it with.
One question, then wait
Ask a single question and let the silence run. Three questions stacked together let a person answer the easiest one, and an interruption hands them your version to agree with.
Don't feed the answer
'You were at Jake's, right?' can be answered with a nod. 'Where were you?' cannot. Keep what you know out of your questions until the direct ones at the end, and then say it openly instead of hinting.
No bluffs and no invented evidence
Saying 'someone saw you' when nobody did is a lie of your own. If it is believed you learn little, and if it is caught you have lost the standing to ask for honesty.
Keep your voice ordinary
Use the same tone for the dull questions and the pointed ones. A frightened person is much easier to misread than a calm one, and your manner has a lot to do with which you get.
What an answer can and cannot show
No question is a lie detector
Nothing on this page makes a person give themselves away. The questions draw out a fuller account and more facts to check, and it is the checking that tells you something.
Nerves are not guilt
Looking away, fidgeting, going red, pausing and getting angry at being doubted are all things honest people do under suspicion. Leave faces and hands out of it and listen to what is said.
Compare people with themselves
A quiet teenager gives short answers to everything. A talkative colleague over-explains true stories. The useful comparison is with how this person talked about the ordinary parts of the same day.
One mismatch is not a lie
Memory is patchy and people misspeak. Look for a pattern instead: main events that move between tellings, details that never arrive however you ask, facts that fail when you check them.
What counts for more, and for less
A fact you checked that turned out false counts for most, and a fact you checked that held up counts just as much the other way. Main events that change between tellings come next. A feeling that something was off sits at the bottom, however strong it is.
When the story holds, and when it doesn't
If it checks out, say so
Tell the person you looked and that they were right. Being doubted and then cleared in silence leaves a mark, and hearing it said makes the next honest answer easier to give.
If it doesn't, say what you found
Describe the mismatch as a fact ('the coach says practice was canceled') and ask for the explanation before you give your conclusion. Then treat the lie and the thing lied about as two separate matters.
If you still can't tell
This is the most common ending. Decide what you will do without certainty: what you will check next time, what you will keep an eye on, and whether the matter is big enough to pursue at all.
When it is a work matter
A doubt about a late report is a conversation. Suspected theft, falsified records or a complaint about another person is usually a formal matter, with rules about who asks the questions and who may be in the room. Those rules depend on the employer and the place, so ask HR or whoever handles it there before you start.
When it is bigger than a conversation
If the doubt involves someone's safety, harm to a child, or what may be a crime, your own questioning is the wrong tool. The same goes if you are afraid of how the person will react to being asked. Go to the school, a doctor, a lawyer or the police as fits, and ask how it works where you live.