Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend to See if He Loves You
Questions to ask your boyfriend to see if he loves you, for a girlfriend who isn't sure where she stands and would like to find out by talking to him, not by setting a trap. They run in six groups that follow how the conversation tends to go: Warm-up, Seeing you, Showing up, Us, Future and Straight out. Each note says what a loving answer or a worrying one tends to sound like, and what a single answer can't tell you.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Warm-up
When did you first think of me as more than someone you were dating?
Why ask it
Most people who have fallen for someone can point at a moment, even a small one: a drive, a joke, the night you were sick. If he says it just crept up on him, that is an honest answer too, so ask what he remembers from around then.
What have you noticed about me that most people miss?
Why ask it
Listen for the detail, not the compliment. "You're beautiful" could be said to anyone, while "you hum when you're concentrating" could only be about you, and attention like that is hard to fake.
When something good happens to you, who do you want to tell first?
Why ask it
You don't need to be first; a brother or a best friend of ten years often is. What matters is whether you are on the list, and it only becomes a worry if his good news tends to reach you days later or through somebody else.
What do you miss when we go a few days without seeing each other?
Why ask it
A loving answer is specific: your running commentary during a show, the way you steal his hoodie. "I'm fine on my own" may be independence and nothing more, so hold it up against whether he actually gets in touch on those days.
What ordinary thing do you enjoy more when I'm there?
Why ask it
Grocery runs, long drives and waiting rooms are where affection shows, because nothing else is going on. If all he can name is big occasions, ask about a regular Tuesday and see whether you're in it.
What do you remember about the day we met that I've probably forgotten?
Why ask it
People hold on to days that mattered to them, so what you wore or what you ordered is a good sign. A blank is not a bad one: some people don't store days at all, so try a memory from last month before you worry.
What reminds you of me when I'm not around?
Why ask it
A song, a brand of cereal, a dog that looks like yours: any quick, concrete answer means you cross his mind when you aren't in the room. If he has to think hard, ask when he last sent you something because it made him think of you, and count that.
Which photo of the two of us would you keep if you could only keep one?
Why ask it
Have him find it on his phone and tell you why that one. Notice whether he picks a day that was about the two of you or a day when you simply looked good.
Seeing you
What do you love about me that has nothing to do with how I look?
Why ask it
Give him time to think on this one. Good answers name how you are: stubborn about fairness, funny when you're tired. If he keeps circling back to looks, say so lightly and ask again.
What do your friends know about me that they could only have heard from you?
Why ask it
He can't easily bluff here, because you can meet the friends. A boyfriend who is proud of you talks about you, so they'll know your job, your dog's name, the thing you're training for. If they know almost nothing, ask him why he keeps the two worlds apart.
What do you think I worry about most?
Why ask it
Part of loving someone is knowing them, and a close guess means he has been listening. A wide miss is a chance to tell him the real answer. What he does with it over the next few weeks tells you more than the guess did.
What do you think I need on a bad day, and how did you work that out?
Why ask it
The second half shows whether he has paid attention or is guessing. "Food and no advice, I learned that the hard way" is love in practical form. If he doesn't know, tell him plainly; he can't do what he has never been told.
What am I like when I'm at my best?
Why ask it
You'll hear which version of you he fell for. Check that it's a version you recognize: being loved for who you are feels different from being loved for who you are on your most agreeable day.
Which of my flaws have you made your peace with?
Why ask it
"You don't have any" is sweet and tells you nothing. A real flaw, named kindly and maybe with a laugh, means he has seen all of you and stayed. Don't punish the honesty or he won't offer it twice.
What do I care about that you've come to respect, even if it isn't your thing?
Why ask it
Love shows up as taking your world seriously: your faith, your sport, your sister, your terrible reality show. Be wary if the only things he can name are things you do for him.
What have you learned about me that changed how you treat me?
Why ask it
Look for a before and after: he stopped teasing about one subject, or started texting when he gets home. An adjustment he made without being asked is one of the clearest signs on this page. No example at all more often means he hasn't thought about it than that he doesn't care.
Showing up
What have you given up for me that you'd give up again?
Why ask it
Affection that has never cost him anything is hard to read, so this asks about the times it did: a missed game, a long drive, a weekend with your family. "I'd do it again" said without a sigh is the good version. If he turns out to keep a tally, that deserves a conversation of its own.
If I called in the middle of the night and said I needed you, what would you do?
Why ask it
Nearly everyone answers "I'd come," so the hypothetical shows little by itself. Use it to get to a real one: ask about the last time you needed him at an awkward hour, and whether he thinks he showed up.
When you're busy or stressed, where do I fit in?
Why ask it
The answer to hope for is a habit, not a promise: a text at lunch, a call on the walk home, ten minutes before bed. "You know how busy I am" is fair in exam week or a deadline month. It is a worry when every week is that week.
What do you do when I'm upset about something that has nothing to do with you?
Why ask it
Some people fix, some listen, some go quiet and hope it passes, and none of those means he doesn't love you. The worrying answer is irritation, as if your bad day were an inconvenience to him.
What have you promised me that you'd hate to go back on?
Why ask it
Small ones count: being on time for your birthday dinner, keeping something you told him to himself. If he can't name any, he may not think of the things he says as promises, so ask what he believes you can rely on him for and compare it with your own list.
How do you feel when I do well at something you're not part of?
Why ask it
Being glad when your life gets bigger, even in the parts without him, is what you're hoping to hear. A small wobble is human, and admitting it is honest. Sulking, or changing the subject each time you have good news, is the pattern to look out for.
If your family and I disagreed about something that mattered, where would you stand?
Why ask it
A fair answer isn't "always with you." It sounds more like "I'd hear both sides, and I wouldn't let anyone be unkind to you." Skip it if his family is a sore subject, and never ask it in the middle of an actual dispute.
When I'm sick or worn out, what do you see as your part?
Why ask it
You probably know the answer already from the last time you had the flu. Ask anyway, because some boyfriends would happily do more and have no idea what's wanted. Soup made badly counts for more than a get-well text written well.
What's the hardest thing I've asked of you, and why did you do it?
Why ask it
The why is the answer. "Because it mattered to you" is about as close to a plain statement of love as this list gets. "Because you'd have been mad" is less romantic and needs talking through: neither of you wants him acting out of dread.
After we've hurt each other, what makes you come back and fix it?
Why ask it
Repair is where a lot of love lives, and plenty of people who can't say the words are good at this part. If he never comes back first and waits for it to blow over, tell him what that is like from your side. He may not know.
Us
How do you show love when you're not saying it, and do you think I notice?
Why ask it
Many people who rarely say "I love you" are saying it all week with a full gas tank or the last slice saved. His answer is your list of things to stop overlooking. If he asks you the same thing back, answer it.
What do I do that makes you feel loved?
Why ask it
It turns the page around, which is only fair. A boyfriend who can't think of anything may be feeling as unsure as you are, and that sometimes explains why he seems to be holding back.
What feels different with me than it has with anyone else?
Why ask it
Good answers are about ease: he can be quiet, be bad at things, be himself. Don't let it slide into a ranking of his exes. You asked about the two of you, so steer back if it drifts.
What do you tell me that you don't tell anyone else?
Why ask it
Being let in is its own kind of evidence: a worry about his dad, a plan he hasn't told his friends, the fact that he hated the party. If you get the same version of him everyone gets, ask whether that's how he is with everybody or whether something makes you hard to confide in.
What do you tell yourself about us when things between us are rough?
Why ask it
"We'll sort it out" and "it's just a bad week" are the thoughts of someone who plans to stay. If his honest answer is that he wonders whether it's working, it is better to hear that now, calmly, than to guess at it.
When have you felt proud to be with me?
Why ask it
He should have a scene ready: you handling a rude waiter, your toast at a wedding, you with his little cousin. Notice whether the pride is in who you are or in how you make him look.
Is there a part of your life you'd like me to be in more than I am?
Why ask it
"Come to more of my games" or "I wish you knew my grandfather" means he wants you closer, and that is a good sign. "No, it's fine as it is" can simply mean he's content. Take note only if large parts of his life stay closed to you.
Future
When you make plans a few months out, am I in them without you having to think about it?
Why ask it
Listen to his pronouns over the next few weeks as well as tonight. "We should go back there in the spring," said without noticing, is worth more than a speech about forever.
What are you looking forward to doing with me that we haven't done yet?
Why ask it
Any answer with a real plan in it is a good one, whether that's a concert or a whole summer. If nothing comes to mind he may just not be a planner, so ask what he hopes the two of you are doing this time next year.
Who in your life do you still want me to meet?
Why ask it
Bringing you into the family and the old friendships is a way of saying this is going somewhere. If you've been together a good while and have met nobody, ask what he's waiting for, and listen to the reason before you judge it.
What does being serious about someone look like to you, and are we there?
Why ask it
Couples often turn out to be working from different definitions. His may be "I'm not seeing anyone else" while yours is "we talk about what comes next." Get his meaning before you weigh the answer.
If one of us had to live somewhere else for a year, what would you want to happen?
Why ask it
The loving answer isn't necessarily "I'd follow you." It's "I'd want to find a way," followed by some thought about how. A quick "we'd see what happens" is one to come back to on another day.
What do you hope is still true about us a few years from now?
Why ask it
This is a softer route to the forever question than asking about rings. "That we still laugh like this" means he has pictured it. If the years-from-now part makes him freeze, your ages and how long you've been together are part of how to read that.
Straight out
What does the word love mean to you when you say it to someone?
Why ask it
Some people keep the word for the person they expect to marry, and some say it to friends at the end of a phone call. Until you know which kind he is, you can't weigh his saying it or his not saying it, so ask this before you ask whether he loves you.
Do you love me, and how do you know?
Why ask it
Anyone can say yes; the reasons he reaches for tell you what the word means to him. If he isn't there yet, "I'm getting there" is a truthful answer you can do something with, and it beats a yes he doesn't mean.
Is saying "I love you" easy or hard for you, and why?
Why ask it
Expect a story behind the answer: a house where nobody said it out loud, or a time he said it first and it wasn't returned. Once you know it, his silence reads differently, and so does the day the words do come.
Are you with me because you want to be, or because it's comfortable?
Why ask it
Ask this gently, and only when things are calm, because it can sound like an accusation. "Both" is a fair answer: comfortable is part of what a good relationship feels like. What you want is the reason he gives for wanting to be here, and if he can't find one, that is the conversation to have next.
Is there anything I do that makes it harder for you to show me how you feel?
Why ask it
Asking shows him you want the truth and not just reassurance. You may hear that you brush off compliments, or tease him when he's being sincere. Thank him for whatever he says, even if it stings.
Is there anything you're unsure about with us that you'd rather tell me than carry around?
Why ask it
A doubt isn't the opposite of love; most people have a few. What you're finding out is whether he will say his out loud to you. If he names one, don't try to solve it tonight.
If your feelings for me ever changed, would you tell me?
Why ask it
You can't check this one, and a yes is only a promise. It still helps to have asked: he learns you would sooner know than be kept comfortable, which makes honesty easier for him later.
What would you want me to remember the next time I doubt how you feel?
Why ask it
Keep this for the end of the conversation. He gets to say it in his own words, and you get a sentence to hold on to on a shaky day. Write it down if that helps.
How to ask, and how to read what you hear
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Work out what's bothering you
Most of the worry behind this page comes down to one of two things: he doesn't say it, or he says it and doesn't act like it. Decide which one is nagging at you before you start. If he never says the words, go to Straight out. If he says them and you can't see them in the week, Showing up is your section.
Choose a calm, private moment
A walk, a drive or the couch after dinner, with phones away and nobody in a hurry. Not during a fight, not by text, and not in front of his friends. A question about love asked in anger gets an answer about the fight.
Tell him why you're asking
"I've been feeling a bit unsure and I'd like to talk" is fair to him, and it gets better answers than questions that arrive from nowhere. He should know this is a real conversation and not a quiz he could fail without knowing he was sitting it.
Three or four, not the whole list
Every question in one sitting is an interrogation. Take one from Warm-up, two from the middle groups and one direct one, and leave the rest for other evenings. Answer each one yourself as well, since it's his relationship too and he may be wondering the same thing about you.
Reading his answers
What an answer can show
Words show what he has noticed, what he remembers and what he is willing to say out loud. Detail is the thing to listen for. Someone who can describe how you take your coffee and what you're like when you're nervous has been paying attention, and attention is a large part of love.
What an answer can't settle
No single reply decides it either way. A smooth talker can give lovely answers and still not turn up, and a boyfriend who is clumsy with words may stumble through half of these while loving you a great deal. Treat each answer as one piece of the picture.
Check the words against the week
Hold what he says up against what he does when it's inconvenient. Does he make time, keep his word, come back after an argument, stay kind when he's stressed? Where the talk and the behavior agree, you can lean on both. Where they don't, go with the behavior.
Shrugs, jokes and "I don't know"
Plenty of people were never taught to talk about feelings and reach for a joke when they're put on the spot. Give it a second try: "I know it's a strange one, take your time." If he comes back to it an hour later, or the next day, that counts as an answer.
What-ifs are the weakest kind
"Would you still love me if" invites the easy yes. Questions about things that have already happened carry more weight, so when you do ask a what-if, follow it with "has there been a time like that?"
If an answer worries you
Don't decide tonight
One flat answer on one evening isn't a verdict on the relationship. He may be tired, embarrassed or caught off guard. Sleep on it, and see whether it still bothers you in a few days.
Say how it landed
Tell him what you heard: "when you said we'd see what happens, I felt like an option." That gives him the chance to explain or to do better, and how he handles that is often more telling than the first answer was.
Patterns that deserve attention
Across several conversations, take note if he can't name anything about you beyond your looks, keeps you apart from the rest of his life, never goes out of his way, or treats your asking as a nuisance. One of those on one day means little. Several of them, over months, is something to weigh honestly.
If asking doesn't feel safe
You should be able to ask a boyfriend how he feels without being mocked, punished or frightened. If you find you're afraid of how he'll react, put the list away and talk to someone you trust: a friend, a parent, a school counselor.
What you want counts too
This page is about whether he loves you, but the decision is also about whether the way he loves is enough for you. He can care sincerely and still not offer what you need. You're allowed to want it said as well as shown.
When he hasn't said "I love you"
Silence has more than one meaning
Some people say it within weeks, some take a year, and some grew up in homes where nobody said it at all. Before you assume the worst, ask the Straight out question about whether the words come easily to him.
You can go first
If you feel it, saying so is allowed, and it's often the quickest way to find out. Say it without "do you?" on the end and give him room to answer in his own time. A reply he was cornered into won't reassure you anyway.
If the answer is "not yet"
It hurts to hear, and it is also honest, which counts for something. Ask what he does feel and whether he sees it growing. Then decide how long you're willing to wait, and keep that decision yours.