Questions to Ask Your Father Before He Dies
Questions for time with a father who is seriously ill or near the end of his life, covering his early years, the parts of his story you only know in outline, what he wants said and settled, and the things he may be waiting to be asked.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What do you remember about the house you grew up in?
Why ask it
Rooms, smells, and routes are easier to retrieve than reflections, so this is a workable opening on a day when he is tired. It usually produces the incidental detail no one in the family has written down.
What was your own father like to live with?
Why ask it
Fathers describe their fathers more candidly than they describe themselves. The answer often explains something about your own upbringing that you had assumed was aimed at you personally.
What did you want to be before you knew what you would be?
Why ask it
Gets at the version of him that existed before the job and the family. Some men have never been asked this, and the answer sometimes explains an interest you thought was random.
What was your first job, and what did you learn about work there?
Why ask it
Concrete and easy to answer, and the details tend to come with it: the pay, the hours, the person who taught him something. It also anchors his life in a period you only know secondhand.
How did you and my mother meet, and what did you think of her at first?
Why ask it
The first impression is the part the family version usually leaves out. If she is present, expect them to correct each other, which is generally the most enjoyable part of the conversation.
What was the day I was born like from where you stood?
Why ask it
Fathers of an earlier generation were often kept at the edge of a birth, and the account from the corridor is a different story from the one you have heard. It opens onto how he felt about it without needing to ask.
What was I like as a small child, before I can remember myself?
Why ask it
You are asking for the only remaining account of your own first years. It is also an easy question to answer well, which matters when energy is short.
Which year of your life would you have again?
Why ask it
More answerable than a question about the best times, and the choice is often an ordinary year rather than a notable one. Ask what made it that year and the answer is usually about who was around.
When were you most frightened?
Why ask it
Fear brings specifics where courage brings platitudes. Expect money, illness, or one of his children, and expect a pause first. The pause is thinking, not refusal.
What did you find hardest about being a father, and did you say so at the time?
Why ask it
Many men of his generation had nowhere to put that, so the honest answer is often that nobody knew. The question separates the difficulty from any accusation, which makes it possible to answer.
Is there something you wish you had done differently with me?
Why ask it
Asked plainly, this sometimes produces the apology a family has waited decades for. It may also produce nothing, and pressing after that generally yields a form of words neither of you believes.
What did you never tell me because you thought I was too young?
Why ask it
There is nearly always something: a job lost, an illness, a debt, a relative's real situation. Framing it as protection rather than concealment makes it easier for him to hand over.
Who in your life should I know about who I never met?
Why ask it
A friend from the army, a brother who died young, someone he worked beside for twenty years. These are the names that vanish first, and once they are gone no one can retrieve them.
Is there a story about this family I have only heard the polite version of?
Why ask it
Gives permission to correct a record that has been smoothed by retelling. It sometimes explains a rift or an absence you grew up inside without ever being told the cause.
What do you believe about what happens after this?
Why ask it
Worth asking plainly rather than approaching sideways. Some men have thought about it carefully and never had an opening, and the answer may be firm faith, plain disbelief, or genuine uncertainty, all of which are useful to know.
Is there anyone you want to see or speak to?
Why ask it
Practical, and time limited. A name mentioned now can become a visit this week, and this is one of the few questions in the conversation where you can act on the answer immediately.
Is there anything you want me to take on, and anything you would rather I left alone?
Why ask it
Asking about both halves at once makes honesty easier. What he wants left alone matters as much as the tasks, and adult children frequently get that half wrong out of a wish to help.
Where are the papers, and who else knows what you want?
Why ask it
The will, deeds, insurance, account details, the name of the solicitor. Documents go missing far more often than they are disputed, so ask where rather than what, and write it down while you are sitting with him.
What do you want said at the funeral, and what would you rather was not said?
Why ask it
Concrete, and easier to answer than a question about legacy: a reading, a piece of music, who speaks, which subjects to leave out. Many people have views on this and are relieved to be asked instead of guessed at.
Is there something you have been waiting for me to ask?
Why ask it
Leaves the last turn with him. This is where the unprompted thing arrives, and it is a fair way to close a conversation you may pick up again another day.
How to hold these conversations
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Pacing
Short visits, one or two questions
Illness and medication both shorten the useful hour. A conversation that stops while he still has something left is more likely to continue tomorrow.
Work out when he is at his best
For most people that is the morning, before treatment or after a rest. Ask the nurses or whoever is caring for him; they will know the pattern better than you do.
Side by side helps
In the car, at the sink, watching something with the sound down. Difficult things are easier to say when nobody has to hold eye contact.
Do not read from a list in front of him
Learn two questions before you go in. A page of them turns a visit into an interview, and he will notice.
If you want to record it
- Ask each time, and stop if the answer changes.
- A phone face down on the table is less intrusive than anything pointed at him.
- Note the date and who was in the room; you will not remember either later.
- Keep a copy somewhere other than the phone.
- Photographs of the objects he describes are worth as much as the audio.
When it is difficult
A father who will not talk
Refusal is an answer. Some men will talk about work, cars, or a football team for an hour and never about feelings, and that hour is still worth having. What you are after may arrive sideways or not at all.
If the relationship was bad
Being at the end of a life does not oblige either of you to reconcile, and a deathbed is a poor place to seek an apology you have been owed for years. Decide what you want from the visit before you go, and accept that he may not be able to give it.
Confusion and medication
Painkillers and illness affect memory and clarity. Do not correct dates or names, and do not treat what is said in a confused hour as a considered wish. Anything that matters legally needs to be recorded at a lucid time with the right people present.
Your own state
You will be doing this while frightened and tired. Take someone with you to some of the visits, and let the practical conversations happen on a different day from the personal ones.
The practical items
Papers, funeral wishes, who can make decisions if he cannot speak for himself, and who is to have what are administrative matters and go better in their own conversation. Bring a pen, write things down in front of him rather than in the car afterwards, and read it back before you leave. Where a wish needs a legal document to hold, saying it aloud is not enough, and finding that out now is better than finding it out in a solicitor's office later.