Questions to Ask Your Friends About Yourself
Questions to ask your friends about yourself, for anyone curious how they come across to the people who know them best. The list runs in the order the conversation tends to go: first impressions and how you come across, funny ones that work in a group chat, what you are like as a friend, habits and blind spots, and a last group of honest ones to save for one close friend. Each has a note on what the answer tends to show and how to hear it without arguing.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
How I come across
What was your first impression of me, and how long did it take to change?
Why ask it
Nearly everybody starts with this one, and the useful part is the second half. If three friends say you seemed quiet, serious or hard to read, that is probably how strangers still see you in the first ten minutes.
Which three words describe me best, and which one came to mind first?
Why ask it
The classic, and the one to send if you only send one. Don't let 'nice' or 'funny' stand alone: ask for the moment that earned each word. 'Stubborn' with a story attached is much easier to hear than 'stubborn' by itself.
Do I come across as warmer or colder than I really am when I meet someone new?
Why ask it
If the answer is 'colder', it often comes down to one small thing you do when you're nervous: no smile until the other person smiles, short replies, eyes on the door. Get the friend to say which. You can work on a named habit, and 'you seem distant' gives you nothing to work on.
How am I different now from the person you first met?
Why ask it
Best with a friend of five years or more, who has watched changes you were too close to see. Ask whether each change is one they like. 'Calmer' and 'more careful' can be praise or a quiet complaint.
How am I different in texts and online from how I am in person?
Why ask it
Plenty of people are funnier in one and warmer in the other. If friends say your messages read as short or annoyed, that's cheap to fix: they can't hear your tone, so add the words that carry it.
Do I seem as confident as I act, or can you tell when I'm nervous?
Why ask it
It's easy to assume your nerves are written all over your face. If friends say they can't tell, believe them and stop apologizing for something nobody had spotted. If they can, find out what gives you away: talking faster, laughing too early, going very formal.
What took you the longest to find out about me?
Why ask it
The answer is the thing you hold back, on purpose or out of habit. It also tells you roughly how long a new friend has to wait before seeing that side, which may be longer than you meant.
If you were introducing me to a friend of yours, how would you sell me in two sentences?
Why ask it
This is the summary your friends hand out when you're not in the room, so make them say it out loud. A pitch built on your job or your team is about what you do. 'You'll like them, they remember everything you tell them' is about what you are like to be around.
Funny
Which TV or movie character am I, and am I the lead or the comic relief?
Why ask it
A reliable group chat opener, since everyone answers at once and then argues about each other's picks. Hold out for the scene that proves it. The character is only a guess until someone says 'the episode where she reorganizes everybody's desk'.
What animal has my exact energy?
Why ask it
Golden retriever, house cat or raccoon: each is a personality review in one word. Don't accept the animal alone. 'A cat, because you leave parties without saying goodbye' is the part you can use.
What song should play when I walk into a room?
Why ask it
Works well by text because friends can send the track itself. A walk-on song is about the mood you bring with you, so if you get a slow sad one and expected a marching band, ask what they were thinking of.
If I made the local news, what would the headline be?
Why ask it
Friends write these fast, and they are usually your best-known habit taken one step too far. Screenshot the good ones. Skip it with anyone whose teasing tends to have an edge.
What phrase would you use if you had to do an impression of me?
Why ask it
Insist on the impression and not only the phrase. You'll get your verbal tics back complete with the voice, the hand gesture and the face, and most people have no idea how often they say 'to be fair'.
What is the most 'me' thing I have ever done?
Why ask it
Each friend will tell a different story, and together they make a portrait. Notice whether the stories have you being kind, stubborn, late or dramatic, because that is the trait they'd choose if they could only choose one.
Which emoji is the most me?
Why ask it
Built for the group chat, where an answer takes one tap. The skull and the crying-laughing face say you're the funny one, the sparkles say something else, and whoever sends a single cactus owes you an explanation.
If I'm running late, what do you order for me without asking?
Why ask it
A small test of who has been paying attention, and friends get competitive about it. A right answer down to the extra sauce is a compliment to both of you. A wrong one lets you correct the record.
What job would I be surprisingly good at that I've never thought about?
Why ask it
Friends see skills you treat as nothing: calming people down, haggling, explaining things, finding the one good restaurant in a strange town. The job is a joke, but note the skill behind it, especially if you're choosing a major or a career.
What warning label would you stick on me?
Why ask it
A gentle way to ask about your flaws, because the format demands a joke. 'May start a new hobby without notice' is affection. If a label makes you wince, it has probably been true for a while, and you can bring it up properly later, one on one.
What kind of person do you picture me ending up with?
Why ask it
Friends have watched who you go for and have opinions they've been saving. Listen for the gap between the type you choose and the type they would choose for you. Leave this one out if dating is a sore subject right now.
What do you think I was like at twelve?
Why ask it
For friends who met you as an adult. Their guess is built from who you are now, so 'bossy with a clipboard' or 'reading under the desk' says how they see you today. Then tell them the truth, with a photo if you have one.
What's the funniest thing you've seen me do when I wasn't trying to be funny?
Why ask it
Your friends keep a file of these and have been waiting to be asked. Take it well. Someone who can enjoy the story of their own worst parking attempt is easier to be honest with further down the list.
As a friend
What am I like as a friend, in one honest sentence?
Why ask it
The one-sentence limit keeps it from becoming a speech of compliments. Listen for the verb: 'you show up', 'you check in', 'you make things fun' and 'you're hard to pin down' describe four different friends.
What's the best thing about being friends with me?
Why ask it
Let them answer without waving it away. It's often something that costs you no effort, which is why you have never counted it. Do more of it.
When did you decide I was someone you wanted to keep around?
Why ask it
Most friends can name a moment, and it is rarely one you remember: a joke in a hallway, a ride home, the day you asked a second question. It shows what you do that draws people in, so you can do it on purpose.
What do you come to me for, and what would you never come to me for?
Why ask it
Nobody is the right friend for everything, so the second half is no insult. If no one would bring you a secret or a serious problem, though, ask why. It may be that you joke too soon or hand out advice too fast.
What part do I play when we're all together: planner, peacemaker, instigator or audience?
Why ask it
Quick to answer in a group chat, and friends will invent a fifth option if none of the four fits. The follow-up that matters is whether you look like you enjoy the part. If you have been the organizer for years and resent it, this is your opening to hand some of it over.
What have you picked up from me, good or bad?
Why ask it
A phrase, a show, a way of loading the dishwasher, the habit of leaving ten minutes early. It is the most concrete proof you get that you've had an effect on someone, and the 'or bad' half is where the funny answers are.
When did I show up for you in a way you still think about?
Why ask it
The memory they choose is often one you'd forgotten: a drive to the airport, a message on a bad anniversary. It tells you which kind of help registers with this particular friend.
Am I a good listener, or do I mostly wait for my turn to talk?
Why ask it
A fair friend will say it depends on the day, so ask what you do on the bad days. Jumping in with your own similar story and glancing at your phone are the usual two, and both get easier to catch once someone has named them.
Do I ask enough about your life, or do we mostly talk about mine?
Why ask it
A pause before the answer is an answer. If the balance is off, skip the long apology: ask them something about their week right then and listen to all of it.
How am I at keeping in touch, honestly?
Why ask it
Some friends don't mind being the one who always texts first, and some keep count. Find out which kind this friend is and what a reasonable amount of contact looks like to them, since people's ideas of it differ a lot.
Is it easy to tell me when I'm wrong?
Why ask it
If they laugh, it isn't. What you want to know is what you do that makes it hard, whether that's arguing the point, going quiet or raising it again a week later. A friend who can correct you is a friend who will warn you in time.
What is it like to be around me when you're having a bad day?
Why ask it
You'll learn whether you are the friend who fixes, the one who distracts or the one who sits there, and whether that was what they wanted. Ask what they'd like more of next time and do that, even if it isn't your instinct.
Which memory of the two of us comes to mind first when you think of me?
Why ask it
Don't give them time to choose the best one. The memory that surfaces unprompted is the one they carry around, and it is often a small afternoon and not the big trip. A good one to send to a friend you haven't spoken to in a while.
Blind spots
What habit of mine do you think I don't know I have?
Why ask it
The answers start small: humming, apologizing to furniture, checking the time while someone is talking. Laugh at the first one, and the friend will usually offer a second that matters more.
What's my biggest green flag, and what's my red flag?
Why ask it
Friends answer this one fast, since everyone already speaks the language. The green flag is what they would tell a stranger to trust about you. If the red flag comes back as a joke about your taste in music, you can leave it there or say 'and the real one?'
How can you tell I'm upset when I'm saying I'm fine?
Why ask it
A close friend will name the tell at once: shorter texts, a certain smile, sudden politeness. If nobody can tell, you hide it well, and it's fair to wonder whether that has ever cost you help you wanted.
What do I complain about most?
Why ask it
This is a count taken from outside. If it's the same job, the same person or the same plan you never start, your friend has heard it more often than you realize and may be holding back an opinion. Ask for it.
What story have I told you too many times?
Why ask it
Light enough for a group, and they will recite it back to you with the pauses in place. Laugh, retire the story, and notice what it was about. A story told that often is usually one you're proud of or haven't finished with.
What am I good at that I never give myself credit for?
Why ask it
Ask for the last time they saw it, so that you get a scene and not just a compliment. An example is harder to dismiss. Keep it somewhere you will see it before an interview or a hard week.
What do I think I'm good at that I'm, lovingly, not?
Why ask it
Expect parallel parking, singing, keeping a surprise or reading a map, delivered with great joy. Those you can laugh off. If the answer is something that matters, like being on time or giving advice, say thanks and sit on it for a day before deciding whether they're right.
What do I do when I'm bored of a conversation?
Why ask it
Everyone has a signal, and the people who talk to you know yours: the glance over a shoulder, the 'anyway', the phone turned face up. Once you know it, you know what everyone else has been reading on your face.
How do I handle not getting my way?
Why ask it
A good answer sounds like 'you grumble and then you come along'. A worrying one involves sulking, keeping score or the plan quietly changing back. Pin it to one occasion so you're both talking about the same evening.
What do I do that bothers you a little, that you've never bothered to mention?
Why ask it
Keeping it small is what gets you an answer. Expect lateness, slow replies, interrupting or the way you finish their stories for them. Don't explain why you do it. Say 'good to know' and decide later whether to change.
What do I believe about myself that you think is wrong?
Why ask it
'I'm bad with people', 'I'm not creative', 'I'm the lazy one': friends hear these lines for years and often disagree in silence. Their evidence is worth more than their reassurance, so ask what they have seen that says otherwise.
Honest
If you could change one thing about me, for my own sake, what would it be?
Why ask it
'For my own sake' steers them toward something that hurts you and away from what merely inconveniences them. Expect an answer like 'you'd go easier on yourself' or 'you'd ask for help sooner'. Ask one friend, in private, and never a group.
What do you think is holding me back?
Why ask it
Have a particular thing in mind when you ask, such as work, dating or a move, or the answer will be too broad to use. If they name the fear you already suspected, that is your confirmation. Don't argue with a friend for agreeing with you.
Is there something you've wanted to say to me and weren't sure how I'd take?
Why ask it
Give them time, and tell them they can answer tomorrow. What comes back may be about a partner, a habit or the way you once spoke to them. Your whole job in the moment is to say thank you. Any reply can wait a day.
Was there a time you needed me and I wasn't there?
Why ask it
For most people this is the hardest question on the page. If there was a time, hear all of it before you speak, and don't supply the reason you were busy. 'I didn't know, and I'm sorry' is enough. If they say no, believe them.
What do you think I want that I won't admit to?
Why ask it
A friend who knows you well may say it before you have finished asking: the move, the career change, the person. If they're right, say so out loud. If they're wrong, the guess still shows what you have been hinting at.
What do you think I need to hear right now that nobody is telling me?
Why ask it
Only worth asking when something is actually going on in your life. It gives a careful friend direct permission, and you may get encouragement where you expected a lecture. You asked, so let them finish.
Where do you picture me in ten years, if things go well?
Why ask it
A friend's forecast is built from what they have seen you light up about, which is not always what you say you want. If their picture has you running your own place and yours has you at the same desk, find out what they've noticed. 'If things go well' stops it from turning into a warning.
When have you been proudest of me?
Why ask it
Put this after the difficult ones. The moment they pick is seldom the prize or the promotion. More often it's a time you did something hard without fuss, and it tells you what this friend respects in you.
When do I seem most like myself?
Why ask it
You'll get a setting: with certain people, doing a certain thing, at a certain time of night. Compare it with how you actually spent the last month.
What would you miss most if I moved far away tomorrow?
Why ask it
It lets a friend say what you mean to them without the awkwardness of saying it straight. You'll hear something daily and small, like the voice notes or the way you narrate bad movies. Tell them what you'd miss in return.
What should I never change, no matter who asks me to?
Why ask it
End here. After a run of questions about faults, this one asks for the thing they would defend, and it's the answer you will remember longest. Say yours about them before the conversation moves on.
How to ask friends about yourself and hear the answer
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Say why you're asking
A question about yourself out of nowhere can sound like fishing for compliments, or like a sign that something is wrong. One line fixes it: 'I found a list of questions and I'm curious what you'd say', or 'I have an interview coming up and want to know how I come across'.
Group chat for the light ones, one friend for the rest
How I come across and Funny are built for an audience: several people answer, they argue with each other and nobody has to be serious. Blind spots and Honest need one friend and no onlookers. Nobody tells you a true hard thing with four others watching, and you wouldn't take it well there either.
Fit the friend to the question
The friend of ten years can say how you have changed. The friend from this year remembers exactly how you came across on day one. For the Honest group, choose the one who has told you something unwelcome before and turned out to be right.
Ask three, not thirty
Choose the few you actually want answered. A friend handed a long questionnaire is giving short answers by the fourth question, and you will only hold on to two or three replies anyway.
Text or in person
Text gives a friend time to think, which helps with the honest ones, and leaves you something to reread. In person you get the pause and the face. If a text reply stings, call before you answer it.
Hearing the answer without arguing
Thank them first
Whatever they say, the first words out of you are 'thank you' or 'okay, good to know'. A friend who gets argued with once will give you safe answers from then on.
Ask for an example, then stop
'When did I last do that?' is the only follow-up a hard answer needs. It shows you are taking it seriously and gives you a real occasion to think about. Explaining why you did it can wait, and usually it never needs saying.
One answer is one friend's view
Each friend knows a different slice of you and answers partly from their own tastes. Treat a single answer as information. When two or three people who don't compare notes say the same thing, give it more weight.
When every answer is a compliment
Some friends won't criticize, and that is kindness, so don't push them for a flaw. If you want more, narrow the question: 'what's one thing I do in group plans that I should stop' is far easier to answer than 'what are my flaws'.
When it stings
Say so plainly: 'that one landed, give me a minute'. Move to a lighter question or call it a night. One remark from one evening is not a verdict on you, and if it is still bothering you weeks later, talk it through with someone you trust.
Ways to run it
The group chat round
Post one Funny question and ask everyone to answer it about you. Then pass it on: the next person takes the same question about themselves. It becomes a game instead of a survey, and each person gets a turn as the subject.
Guess first
Before you read the replies, write down what you expect each friend to say. The interesting part is the gap between your guess and theirs. If you predicted 'loud' and got 'thoughtful', that gap is what you came for.
The hot seat
At a sleepover or a dinner, one person takes the seat for five minutes while the others answer three questions about them, then the seat moves on. Agree at the start that anyone can say 'pass' and that answers stay kind.
A question box on your story
Letting followers answer a question about you suits the How I come across and Funny groups only. Keep anything from Blind spots or Honest off a public post: people answer for the audience there, and a joke at your expense stays up.
The birthday or goodbye version
Before a birthday, a graduation or a move, send two or three of the warm ones (the first memory that comes to mind, what they'd miss, what you should never change) and keep the replies. They are good to have on a bad day.
Afterwards
Return the favor
Offer to answer the same questions about them, and let them choose which. A conversation that only runs in one direction starts to feel like collecting reviews.
Do one small thing
If a friend said you never text first, text first next week. Acting on one answer, where they can see it, is what makes a friend willing to be honest with you a second time.
Keep it out of arguments
What a friend told you because you asked is not ammunition. 'Well, you said I'm a bad listener' in the middle of a fight teaches them never to answer again.
Keep the good ones
Screenshot or write down the answers that made you feel known. Kind words are easy to forget, and it helps to have the exact ones.