Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marriage
Questions to ask yourself before marriage are the ones nobody else can answer for you, so work through these alone before you work through anything as a couple. There are 57, in five groups: why you want to marry and why now, what you are like to live with, whether this is the person, which parts of your own life have to survive, and what you do with a doubt.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Reasons
Why do I want to get married at all?
Why ask it
Take the person out of it first and answer for marriage itself. Company, children, faith, security and being publicly chosen are all real reasons, and each asks something different of a spouse. A reason you would be embarrassed to say to your partner is the one to look at longest.
Why now? What changed to make this the moment?
Why ask it
A specific answer, such as a lease ending, a visa, a job in another city or a parent's illness, is useful information and no bad sign. The one worth examining is "it just seemed like the next thing", because that means nobody actually decided.
What makes me think I am ready, apart from my age and how long we have been together?
Why ask it
Age and years together are the answers people reach for, and neither measures much. Better evidence is a hard stretch you came through as a pair, a disagreement about money or family that you settled, or a time you put their need ahead of your plan. A short list is not a no, only a sign of what the two of you have not been through yet.
Do I want to be married, or do I mostly want the wedding?
Why ask it
Picture a ten-minute ceremony with two witnesses, no party and no photographs. If that still appeals, it is the marriage you are after. If it falls flat, work out what the day itself was supposed to give you, and whether a party could do that job without the vows.
Would I still choose this person if I weren't afraid of starting again?
Why ask it
Fear of being alone and the years you have already put in are strong forces, and neither tells you anything about the two of you. Imagine knowing for certain that you would be fine on your own. If your answer about this person shifts, fear was doing part of the choosing.
Whose timetable am I on: mine, my family's or my friends'?
Why ask it
A parent's hints, a birthday with a zero in it and being the last unmarried one in the group are all pressures worth naming. None of them is a reason to say no. But a wedding held to stop the questions rarely stops them, because the next one is about children.
Which of us brought up marriage first, and how did the other react?
Why ask it
Go back to the actual reaction, before the eventual agreement: delight, a change of subject, a long pause. If one of you has done most of the steering since, check that the other has said yes in so many words and has not simply stopped objecting.
What do I believe a marriage is: a promise for life, a partnership that has to keep working, or something else?
Why ask it
Few people have said their answer aloud, and many find it arrived whole from a faith, a divorce in the family or the films they grew up on. It matters because two people can sign the same paper meaning different things by it. Once you have your answer, ask for theirs.
Am I hoping marriage will settle something in me that isn't settled?
Why ask it
Name the thing you have in mind: loneliness, drifting at work, a strained relationship with your own family. A wedding changes your circumstances and leaves most of what is inside you where it was. Whatever you bring in unresolved is still yours afterwards, and now someone else lives with it too.
Am I marrying at a point when I know who I am, or am I expecting the marriage to tell me?
Why ask it
People marry happily in both situations, so this is about what to say and not about whether to go ahead. If your sense of yourself is still forming, tell your partner, so that a change of career, belief or ambition ten years on reads as growth and not as a breach of the deal.
Myself
Which habits from the home I grew up in am I already bringing into this relationship?
Why ask it
You learned a default somewhere: who apologised first, who handled the money, whether voices were raised, whether affection was shown in front of others. Go through those four and mark which you are repeating. The ones you swore you would never copy deserve a second look, because they are the hardest to notice in yourself.
Which of my own habits would be hardest to live with?
Why ask it
If nothing comes to mind, ask a sibling or a former flatmate, who will have a list ready. Being able to name your own difficult edges makes it easier to hear about them later without treating it as an attack.
What do I do with my anger?
Why ask it
Shouting, freezing someone out, sarcasm and going quiet for two days are all answers. Marriage supplies decades of provocation, and whichever of these you default to is what your spouse will be living with.
How do I apologise, and how long does it take me?
Why ask it
Count the hours or days between knowing you were wrong and saying so. Listen as well for what you attach to it, since "sorry, but" is usually heard as the but. Slow is workable if your partner knows it is coming, and never is not.
How do I behave when I'm bored?
Why ask it
Long marriages contain flat stretches. Some people redecorate, some pick fights, some go looking for attention elsewhere. Knowing your own pattern makes a flat year easier to recognise as ordinary, and not as proof that something has gone wrong.
What am I like to be around in a bad year?
Why ask it
Think about your worst recent stretch: redundancy, grief, illness. Withdrawal, irritability and working late all cost the people close to you something. Your answer is what to warn your partner about, along with what you would want them to do when it happens.
How do I respond when my partner needs something inconvenient from me?
Why ask it
Go back to the last time they were ill, stranded, or needed a lift at a bad moment. Whether you went gladly, went and sulked, or found a reason you couldn't is a fair sample of you as a spouse. A good deal of married life is made of exactly these requests.
Can I ask for help, or do I wait to be noticed?
Why ask it
Plenty of people expect a spouse to guess, then feel let down when the guess is wrong. If asking outright feels like weakness or nagging, your partner will spend years failing a test they were never told about. Practise on something small this week.
Am I ready to stop making big decisions on my own?
Why ask it
Jobs, moves, large purchases and where you spend the holidays all become joint business. Your record is the best guide: think of the last big thing you decided and whether your partner heard about it before or after. Being consulted and being informed feel very different from the other side.
What are my own money habits, and does my partner know the real figures?
Why ask it
That means what you earn, what you owe, what you have saved, and the spending you would rather not itemise. If you have rounded any number in your favour, correct it before the wedding. How one person's debts and assets are treated after marriage varies by country and state, so find out the rules where you live.
Which jobs around the house do I assume will be mine, and which do I assume will be theirs?
Why ask it
Write both lists without consulting anyone, then ask where each assumption came from: your parents, your last flat share, or simply who has been doing it so far. Cooking and bins are the easy part. Look for the unseen jobs, such as remembering birthdays, booking appointments and noticing the milk is low, because those are the ones nobody remembers agreeing to.
Is there anyone from my past I still measure my partner against?
Why ask it
A comparison that surfaces now and then is ordinary memory. One that arrives every time your partner disappoints you means something with the earlier person is unfinished, and that is yours to finish, not your partner's to outdo. If you still look that person up online, ask yourself what you are hoping to see.
When have I chosen to tell my partner something that made me look bad?
Why ask it
One concrete example is worth more than a general belief in honesty. If you cannot find one, you have not yet tested whether this is a relationship where you can be seen at your worst.
What does my partner still not know about me that they would want to know before saying yes?
Why ask it
It might be a diagnosis, an earlier engagement, a rift with a relative or a change in what you believe. Shame is the wrong test: ask whether they would feel misled to learn it in the third year. Said now it is a conversation, and found out later it is a discovery.
My partner
Am I marrying the person in front of me, or the one I expect them to become?
Why ask it
Write down what you are counting on changing: the job they dislike, the drinking, the untidiness, how seldom they call their mother. Now read the list as permanent. Today's version is the one making the vows, and people change mostly for their own reasons and in their own time.
Do I love them, and how do I know it is more than habit?
Why ask it
Habit can feel like relief that the question of who to be with is closed. Love usually leaves you still curious: you want to hear how their day went, you take their side without being asked, and their good news cheers you up. Long relationships hold a good deal of both, so the thing to check is whether the second is still there.
Do I trust them, and what is that trust based on?
Why ask it
Trust with evidence behind it comes with examples: a hard truth they told you, a promise kept when you weren't there to see. If you check their phone, or want to, the honest answer is not yet. Getting married will not supply what is missing.
Can I be entirely myself around them, including the unimpressive parts?
Why ask it
Notice what you still edit: the opinions you soften, the family you describe carefully, the mood you hide until they have gone out. A little tact is ordinary. A whole second self is exhausting to keep up for decades, and it means they are agreeing to marry someone they have not fully met.
Has being with them made me more like the person I want to be, or less?
Why ask it
Compare yourself now with the year before you met: your friendships, your work, your temper, how much you laugh. Some of the difference is only time passing, so ask a friend who knew you then what they have noticed. If you have become more careful and quieter, find out whether that is growing up or keeping the peace.
Do I know, in their own words, whether they want children and when?
Why ask it
Try to quote them. If all you have is the way they looked at a friend's baby, you have a guess. Get your own answer straight too, including what you would do if the two answers differ, because this is one of the few subjects where nobody can meet halfway.
Where do our values differ, and can I live with the gap?
Why ask it
You do not need a match on faith, politics, family duty and what money is for. Pick the two you could not bend on and check them against what your partner does, which is a better guide than what either of you says. A gap you both know about is far easier to carry than one you find later.
When we disagree, can we finish the argument and still like each other?
Why ask it
Take your last three arguments and ask who ended each one and how. If the same person always apologises, or the subject simply stops being mentioned, nothing was settled. Being able to make up properly counts for more than never arguing, so a spotless record is no comfort if it comes from avoiding subjects.
Can I say no to them, and what happens after I do?
Why ask it
Think of the last time you turned down a plan, a purchase or a visit to their family. A partner who argues the point and then lets it rest is one you can go on disagreeing with for a lifetime. If a no is followed by days of silence, or you have stopped saying it to avoid the fallout, take that seriously and talk it over with someone you trust.
How do I really feel about their family, and how do they treat mine?
Why ask it
You are joining their holidays, their crises and their group chat. Liking everyone is optional. The thing to check is whether your partner speaks up for you when a relative is rude, and whether you do the same for them at your own parents' table.
What do I admire about them that has nothing to do with how they treat me?
Why ask it
Look at their patience with a difficult colleague, the way they work, how they talk about people who aren't in the room. Attraction rises and falls over a long marriage, and respect for who they are is something to lean on when it dips. If nothing comes to mind, that needs explaining.
Do they back what I want to do with my life, and do I back them?
Why ask it
Recall how they took your last piece of good news or your last risky idea: with interest, with worry, with a joke at your expense, or by changing the subject. Then turn it round. If their plans mostly strike you as a threat to yours, say so before you promise to support them.
Do I enjoy an ordinary evening with them when nothing is planned?
Why ask it
Holidays and celebrations flatter every couple. Most of a marriage is weeknights, with cooking, errands and the same sofa. If you are good company for each other with nothing to do and not much to say, you have the part that chemistry on a weekend away cannot stand in for.
Have I seen them at their worst, and have they seen me at mine?
Why ask it
Worst means ill, out of work, grieving, or a week without sleep. If you have only known each other in good conditions, you are promising on partial evidence. That is no reason to call it off, only a reason to watch closely the next time something goes wrong for either of you.
When I picture the two of us in thirty years, what is in the picture?
Why ask it
Aim for detail over romance: where you live, who is talking, what you are still bickering about. A blank can simply mean you have never thought that far ahead, and that is easily mended. A clear picture you would rather not be in is harder to dismiss.
My own life
Which parts of being single will I actually miss?
Why ask it
Solitude, unplanned weekends and being the first person consulted about your own life are common answers. Missing them does not mean you are making a mistake. It tells you what to ask for, such as one weekend a month with nothing booked in it.
What have I already given up for this relationship, and did I mind?
Why ask it
Make an actual list: a job, a city, friendships, a faith, a hobby. Resentment over a sacrifice you volunteered for can turn up years later, attached to something unrelated, so mark the ones your partner does not know cost you anything.
Is there a version of my life I still want that marriage would rule out?
Why ask it
It might be living abroad, having no children, going back to study, or taking work that pays badly. Say it to your partner while it is still a plan, because some versions turn out to fit inside a marriage once they are spoken. Kept private, it becomes the road not taken that gets blamed for everything else.
Which friendships and interests of mine have to survive the wedding?
Why ask it
Name them one by one: the Thursday football, the friend you call for an hour, the weekend you spend alone each autumn. It helps a marriage when both people keep some life their spouse is not the centre of. Whatever goes unnamed is the first thing dropped when time gets tight.
How much of my time and energy will my career want over the next decade?
Why ask it
Be specific about the hours, the travel, the retraining, the pay cut or the move a promotion would require. Ambition is not the problem. An undeclared one can be, so put the real plan on the table, including the part your partner would have to carry.
Would I move for their job or their family, and do I expect them to move for mine?
Why ask it
There is usually a quiet assumption here, very often that you will end up near your own parents. Find yours. If each of you privately expects the other to follow, it is better met as a question now than as a job offer in the fourth year.
How much time on my own do I need, and will I still get it?
Why ask it
Put a number on it in hours a week, then look at whether the life you are planning has room: a small flat, opposite shifts, a baby. People who go without tend to turn short-tempered and blame the marriage, when what they are missing is an empty room.
Will I change my name, and is that my wish or someone else's expectation?
Why ask it
This can fall to either partner, and it touches work, family feeling and how you think of yourself. Say the new name aloud and sign it a few times before deciding, and notice whose disappointment you are bracing for if you keep your own. What is allowed and how the paperwork runs differ from country to country, so look up the rules where you live.
Doubts
What do I do with a doubt when I have one?
Why ask it
Watch whether you examine it or bury it. Reassuring yourself within the minute is the usual move, and it tells you nothing. A doubt you have said aloud to someone can be weighed, while one you manage alone tends to harden.
Is this wedding nerves, or a doubt about the person?
Why ask it
Nerves are mostly about the event and the size of the promise: the speeches, the cost, the word "forever". A doubt about the person has content, something they did or keep doing, and it was usually there before a date was set. Write down what yours is about and you will generally know which you have.
If the wedding were called off tomorrow, would I feel relief or loss first?
Why ask it
Go with the first flicker, before the sensible reasons arrive. Relief about the event, the cost and the seating plan is common and means little. Relief at not marrying the person is the one to stop for.
What would I never put up with in a marriage, and is any of it already happening?
Why ask it
Write the list as if advising a friend: being lied to about money, being shouted at, being cut off from your family, whatever belongs on yours. Then check each line against the past year. Anything on the list that is already happening is a dealbreaker you have been renegotiating with yourself, and it is a conversation to have before the wedding.
Who have I not told about my doubts, and why that person?
Why ask it
Often it is the friend who would agree the doubt is real, or the parent who would be crushed by it. Whom you avoid shows what you are afraid the doubt will turn into once someone else has heard it.
What do the people who know me best think of us together?
Why ask it
Ask the two who would tell you the truth, and ask it openly, not as "you like them, don't you?". You are not bound by the verdict. But if your closest people have all gone politely quiet, find out what they are leaving unsaid.
Have I ended anything hard before, or do I tend to stay past the point I should?
Why ask it
A history of staying too long in jobs, friendships and flats matters here, because it means your instinct to endure is stronger than your instinct to reassess. If that is you, your sense that things are fine needs a second opinion from someone who has watched you stay before.
Do I know what I would do if this marriage ended?
Why ask it
Treat it as an inventory and not a prediction: where you would live, what you would earn, who you would call. Someone with no answer at all can end up making choices inside the marriage out of fear instead of preference.
If it went badly wrong, at what point would I say so out loud?
Why ask it
Set the threshold now, while you are calm, and make it something you could observe: a month without a real conversation, a lie about money, dreading the sound of their key in the door. "If it got bad enough" has no date on it, which is how people stay silent for years.
If one of these answers unsettled me, would I raise it before the wedding or after?
Why ask it
Be honest about which you would really do. Planning to raise it afterwards means deciding that the ceremony matters more than the conversation, and the subject will not be any smaller once the guests have gone home.
Using these before you decide
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Getting a usable answer
These are about you, not your partner
Even the group about your partner asks what you know, what you have seen and what you are assuming. If an answer keeps drifting into a list of their faults, write the version that only describes you and see what is left.
Do it in two passes
Take one of the five groups at a sitting and answer quickly, over as many evenings as it needs. Then leave it a week and answer the ones that stuck again. Second answers are usually less flattering and more accurate.
Ask someone who knew you before
A sibling, an old friend, a former flatmate. On the questions about your habits, your anger, who you have become since you met your partner, and your pattern of staying too long, other people can see things you cannot.
Reading your own answers
- 1Sort them into settled, unresolved, and unsaid. Only the third pile is urgent.
- 2For anything unsaid, work out what specifically you are protecting: their feelings, the wedding, or your own reluctance to be argued with.
- 3Check whether any answer depends on the other person changing. Those are the ones to say out loud rather than hope about.
- 4In the group about your partner, mark every answer that rests on something you assume and not on something they said. Each of those is a question to put to them directly.
- 5Look for repeats. One uncomfortable answer is normal. Three pointing at the same thing is a subject, and it deserves a conversation rather than three separate reassurances.
- 6Note which questions you skipped. Avoidance is an answer and it is usually the most informative one.
Common pitfalls
Treating certainty as the requirement
Nobody gets to be certain about a decision this size. The question is not whether you have doubts but whether you can name them and say them to the person involved.
Confusing love with readiness
You can love someone and still be in the middle of something, a bereavement, a collapse, a career you are about to leave. Loving them is not evidence that this is the right year.
Using your parents' marriage as the only model
Copying it and inverting it are both ways of letting it decide. If your answer to a question is really a reaction to your mother or father, say so, then work out what you would want if they had never existed.
Asking friends who only reassure
A friend who tells you it will be fine is being kind, not useful. If you want a real read, ask the person most likely to say something you would rather not hear.
If the answers point toward not going ahead
- Separate "not this person" from "not this year". They call for very different conversations, and people often reach for the first because the second sounds like an excuse.
- Say it to one person outside the relationship before you say it to your partner. Hearing yourself out loud once makes the real conversation clearer and less panicked.
- Do not use the wedding date as the deadline. A postponed wedding is recoverable; a marriage entered to avoid an awkward month is harder to undo.
- If you are afraid of your partner's reaction rather than upset by it, treat that as its own finding and speak to a professional or a helpline before raising it directly.