Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak
Questions to ask yourself before you speak, for the second before the words are out: in a kitchen mid-argument, in a meeting, ahead of a conversation you've been dreading, or with your thumb over the post button. The list opens with the familiar gates (true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind), then moves through why you want to say it, whether it is yours to say, when to say it and how it will land. The last group is worded for children, so a parent or teacher can use it as written.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The gates
Is it true?
Why ask it
Separate what you saw or heard yourself from what you were told or have assumed. 'You looked at your phone while I was talking' is something that happened; 'you never listen' is a verdict. If you can't vouch for it firsthand, turn it into a question or leave it out.
Is it helpful?
Why ask it
Helpful means the listener can do something with it. Notes on a presentation they gave an hour ago can be used next time, while notes on a haircut they can't undo only sit there. If you can't name what they would do differently after hearing it, this gate stays shut.
Is it inspiring?
Why ask it
The middle letter of the THINK list, and the one people skip because it sounds grand. Read it as a smaller test: will they walk away more willing to try again, or less? It carries the most weight when you are the boss, the parent or the coach in the exchange.
Is it necessary?
Why ask it
Picture the conversation carrying on without your sentence. A third person agreeing with a point the meeting has already accepted loses nothing by staying quiet. Necessary is when silence would cost someone: an error about to be sent, a friend about to sign something they haven't read.
Is it kind?
Why ask it
Kind and pleasant are different things. Pointing out the typo in a friend's resume before it goes out is kind and a little awkward; praising it and letting it go is only pleasant. The check is whether you are on their side as you say it, and whether your wording lets them tell.
Can I keep the point and change the wording?
Why ask it
Failing one gate rarely means the whole thing has to go. True but unkind is a wording problem, kind but untrue is flattery, and necessary but badly timed is a matter of waiting. Only when it fails on truth or on need does the sentence itself get dropped.
Does this need to be said, by me, right now?
Why ask it
Three questions folded together, and each screens out something different: the remark nobody needs, the job that belongs to someone else, and the right words at the wrong moment. Run them in that order and stop at the first no. In a heated exchange it tends to be the last one that fails.
Why am I talking?
Why ask it
Its initials spell WAIT, which makes it easy to call up in the second before you unmute. Good answers are 'I was asked' and 'I know something the room doesn't'. 'The silence felt long' and 'I wanted to be seen contributing' are reasons to hand the floor back.
If I say nothing, what happens next?
Why ask it
Staying quiet is a choice with its own results, so follow it forward a step. Often the answer is 'nothing, and that's fine'. When the answer is that a colleague takes the blame for your mistake, or a plan goes ahead with a hole in it, the gates were never meant to keep you silent.
Motive
What do I want to happen after I say this?
Why ask it
Name the result in plain terms: an apology, a changed plan, a decision reversed, or simply being heard. Then check whether the sentence you have loaded could produce it. 'You're so selfish' is a poor route to 'you're right, I'll do the dishes'.
Am I trying to solve the problem or win the argument?
Why ask it
A quick tell: if they conceded the point this second, would you feel relieved or slightly robbed? Winning needs them to be wrong out loud. Solving only needs the thing fixed, and it often goes faster if you let them keep some of the ground.
Do I want them to understand me, or do I want them to hurt?
Why ask it
Both urges can sit behind the very same sentence, so look at the detail you chose. Bringing up their mother, their weight or something they once told you in a low moment is aimed at a wound. Cut that part and see whether anything is left that you still need them to know.
Am I saying this for their sake or to feel lighter myself?
Why ask it
Confessions and 'I just have to be honest with you' openers belong here. Unloading can be fair, but call it what it is and ask first: 'I need to get something off my chest, is now okay?' If the relief would be all yours and the weight all theirs, a notebook or a friend outside the situation is the better listener.
Would I say this if nobody else were around to hear it?
Why ask it
Onlookers change what a remark is for. The sharp correction in front of the team and the witty reply under a public post are often aimed at the people watching. If the comment would shrink or vanish in a one-to-one, deliver the one-to-one version.
What am I feeling right now, and is that what's doing the talking?
Why ask it
Put one word on it: angry, embarrassed, tired, hungry, left out. Once it has a name you can choose to wait a minute, which is hard to do while it is still at the wheel. If the word is 'furious', whatever comes out in the next thirty seconds will mostly be about the fury.
Am I holding back because it's wise or because I'm scared?
Why ask it
The pause before speaking should not turn into a reason never to speak. Wise silence tends to feel settled afterward, while the scared kind gets replayed in the shower for a week. If yours is the second kind, the job is to find a time and a wording, not to bury it.
Mine to say
Did they ask for my opinion?
Why ask it
Unrequested advice is easily heard as criticism, however well it is meant. When someone is describing a bad day, try 'do you want ideas, or do you want me to just listen?' and take the answer at face value. Real danger is the exception: there you speak up, invited or not.
Is this my story to tell?
Why ask it
A pregnancy, a diagnosis, a breakup, a job loss, a coming out: the person it happened to chooses who knows and when. Being told does not make you the announcer. If you can't remember whether it was public yet, ask them before you mention it to anyone.
Was this told to me in confidence?
Why ask it
Assume yes when it was said quietly, late at night, or with 'between us' anywhere near it. Work is the case to check instead of assume: some things you hear on the job may have to be passed on, and some may not be yours to repeat at all. That depends on your employer and your role, so ask HR or your manager how it works where you are.
Am I the right person to bring this up?
Why ask it
The same sentence lands differently from a close friend, a manager and an acquaintance. If you have known them three weeks, their marriage is outside your range. Sometimes the most you can do is stay nearby and leave the hard sentence to someone they would take it from.
Do I know enough about this to weigh in?
Why ask it
Count what you really have: one article, one side of the story, a headline. 'I only heard her version, but' is an honest way to speak from partial knowledge. Online, where nobody asked, partial knowledge is a good reason to keep reading and not reply.
Am I speaking for myself, or hiding behind 'everyone thinks so'?
Why ask it
Lines like 'people have been saying' make a complaint sound bigger while hiding who holds it. The listener can't answer a crowd they can't see. Say 'I think' and 'I noticed', and if others agree, let them say so themselves.
Would I say this with the person I'm talking about in the room?
Why ask it
The standard test for gossip. Talking a problem through with someone to work out what to do passes it; a running commentary on a coworker's love life doesn't. If you would change the wording were they to walk in, change it now.
Am I telling this to the person who can do something about it?
Why ask it
Complaining about the manager to a teammate, or about your partner to your sister, lets off steam and leaves the problem where it was. One round of that can help you find your words. By the third round, the fair move is to take it to the person it concerns.
Timing
Can this wait until I've cooled off?
Why ask it
Very little has to be answered in the next ten seconds, however it feels. 'I want to talk about this, and I need twenty minutes first' is a complete sentence, provided you come back when you said you would. For a text or an email, write it, leave it in drafts and reread it after a walk.
Are they in a state to take this in?
Why ask it
Someone coming through the door after a long shift, hungry, mid-deadline or freshly upset will hear the worst version of whatever you say. Ask 'is now a good time for something a bit serious?' and let them choose. Their 'after dinner' is a favor to both of you.
Is this the place for it, or should it be private?
Why ask it
The old rule of praising in public and correcting in private covers most cases. A hallway, a group chat and a family dinner table all add witnesses, and witnesses make people defend themselves. Even praise deserves a second thought when the person hates attention.
Have they finished, or am I about to cut in?
Why ask it
Leave a full breath after their last word. If you were composing your reply while they talked, you probably missed the end of what they said, and the end is often where the point was. On a video call the lag makes it worse, so wait longer than feels natural.
Am I answering what they said, or what I've decided they meant?
Why ask it
Play their exact words back in your head before replying. 'Are you wearing that?' may be a question about the dress code and no judgment at all, and you will only find out by asking. 'What do you mean?' in a level voice costs five seconds and often saves the argument.
Have I already said this?
Why ask it
Second and third tellings rarely add information; they add pressure. If the first one didn't land, ask whether they heard it or what is in the way, instead of repeating it louder. A reminder they asked you for is a different thing, so check which kind this is.
Should this be a call instead of a text?
Why ask it
Text strips out tone, and the reader fills it back in from their own mood. Anything that could be read two ways, such as criticism, an apology or bad news, is safer by voice or face to face. One rule of thumb: once you've rewritten the message three times, call.
Do I have time to stay for the conversation this will start?
Why ask it
Raising something big as you leave for work, or five minutes before guests arrive, leaves the other person holding it alone. If you can't stay, give it a time: 'There's something I want to talk through tonight, nothing terrible.' Those last two words matter, because a bare 'we need to talk' fills the day with guesses.
How it lands
Who else can hear this?
Why ask it
Check the room, the open-plan desks, the reply-all line, the car with children in the back seat. The risk is the listener you didn't choose: a child who picks up the money worry, a coworker who catches half a remark about layoffs. Children who look busy with something else are often still listening.
What could they hear in this that I don't mean?
Why ask it
Run the sentence through their history, not yours. 'You look tired' is concern to you and 'you look bad' to them; 'must be nice' is rarely taken as a compliment. Where there is an obvious wrong reading, add the half-sentence that rules it out.
Is this the tone I'd use with someone I respect?
Why ask it
People often keep a careful voice for the boss and a careless one for a partner, a child or a junior colleague. Imagine the same sentence, same tone, going to the person whose good opinion you most want. Whatever you would soften for them, soften here.
Is this joke at someone's expense, and would they laugh too?
Why ask it
Teasing works between people who both know the affection under it. The same line about a new colleague's accent or a cousin's divorce is a jab with a laugh attached. One test is whether the person has ever joked about it themselves; adding 'just kidding' afterward doesn't unsay it.
Can I say it in one or two sentences?
Why ask it
Long wind-ups make people brace, and a point buried in the fourth paragraph gets lost. Try it in your head first: 'When the report was late I had to cover for it, and I need a heads-up next time.' If it won't go that short, you may not yet know what you're asking for.
Am I about to say 'always' or 'never'?
Why ask it
Those two words hand the other person an easy exit: they find the one exception, and the conversation becomes about that. Swap in the real count or the latest instance, 'twice this week' or 'last night'. The swap also makes the sentence accurate, so it passes 'is it true?' as well.
Could I ask this as a question?
Why ask it
'Have you got a plan for the deadline?' leaves room for information you don't have, and 'you're going to miss the deadline' doesn't. Use it only when you want the answer. An accusation with a question mark on the end, like 'did you even read it?', is worse than the plain statement.
Would this post hold up if my boss, my grandmother and a total stranger all read it?
Why ask it
A post leaves the conversation it was written for. A joke that is obvious to your friends reads differently to a recruiter, a relative or someone who sees only the screenshot. What an employer or a school can do about a post varies, so if yours has a social media policy, read it instead of guessing.
Will I still want this up when the feeling has passed?
Why ask it
Anger and a post button are a bad pairing: the feeling lasts an hour and the post can outlast it by years. Deleting is not a clean undo once people have seen or copied it. Write it in a notes app, give it until morning, and post it then if it still sounds like you.
For kids
How would I feel if someone said this to me?
Why ask it
The plainest kindness check a child can run. Have them picture one real moment, such as someone laughing at their drawing, and not a general idea of being hurt. Younger ones need you to supply the feeling word, and 'sad', 'left out' and 'embarrassed' cover most cases.
Did I see it myself, or did someone tell me?
Why ask it
For children, the line between 'I saw it' and 'someone said' is the whole lesson about truth. Ask 'how do you know?' in a curious voice, not a courtroom one. It works on playground rumors and, a few years on, on whatever is being passed around a group chat.
Is it my turn to talk?
Why ask it
Interrupting is mostly a waiting problem, so give the wait a shape: a hand on your arm that you cover with yours to show you've noticed, or a talking object in class. Then keep your side of it by turning to them within a minute. A signal that never gets answered teaches them to go back to shouting.
Can they fix it in a few seconds?
Why ask it
A handy rule for comments about how someone looks. Food on a face, an untied shoe or a shirt on backward can be put right on the spot, so saying it quietly is a kindness. Height, weight, skin, teeth and the way someone talks can't be, so those stay as inside thoughts.
Is this my news, or someone else's?
Why ask it
Birthday presents, a friend's crush, a classmate's bad grade: children love having news and often don't see that it belongs to someone. A workable rule is that happy surprises are kept until the day, and other people's private things are kept unless someone could get hurt. Add the exception every time you teach it: a secret that feels wrong or scary always goes to a grown-up.
Am I telling to get someone help, or to get someone in trouble?
Why ask it
A common way for teachers to sort reporting from tattling. 'He's bleeding' and 'she gets left out every day' are getting help; 'he took two cookies' is mostly about the trouble. Go through examples together when nobody is upset, since the difference is hard to see mid-grievance.
Is someone hurt, scared or in danger?
Why ask it
This one comes before kind, true and whose turn it is, and children need to hear that said out loud. If the answer is yes, or if someone has asked them to keep a secret that feels wrong, they tell a trusted adult straight away without running any other check first. Say plainly that they will not be in trouble for telling.
How to Use a Before-You-Speak Check
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Running the check in real time
Carry three, not the whole list
Nobody can go through dozens of questions between hearing a remark and answering it. Read the list once slowly, mark the ones that would have caught your last two or three regrets, and keep only those. A workable set is one gate, one question about motive and one about timing.
Buy yourself the pause
The check needs only a few seconds, and you are allowed to take them. A sip of water, 'let me think about that' or 'give me a second' all do the job in person. In writing the pause is free: type it, leave it unsent, and read it again once you have done something else.
Say the gate out loud when it helps
'I'm not sure this is helpful, so tell me if you'd rather I kept it to myself' lets the other person run the check with you. It suits people you trust and feedback you've been asked for. Don't use it as a run-up to something cruel: 'no offense, but' is the same trick and fools nobody.
When it's already out
The questions work backward too. If what you said failed on kindness or on timing, name that part: 'That was true, and I said it in front of everyone, which was unfair to you.' An apology that says which gate you missed is easier to accept than a general 'sorry if that upset you'.
Four places it gets tested
Mid-argument
Use the Motive group. Asking whether you are trying to fix the thing or to win is usually enough to drop the cheapest shot you had ready. If your answer to the feelings question is 'furious', move to Timing and ask for a break with a stated time to come back.
In a meeting
The risks here are filling air and correcting someone with the whole table watching. Run 'why am I talking?' before you unmute, and move anything personal to a message or a word afterward. If you tend to stay quiet, run 'if I say nothing, what happens next?' instead, because meetings also lose the objection nobody voiced.
Before a hard conversation
You have time, so use the slower questions. Write down the one or two sentences you most need them to hear, choose the moment with them, and decide ahead what you want to be different afterward. Strike every 'always' and 'never' on paper, where it is easy.
Before you post or reply
Online the audience is larger than it looks and the words stay put. The joke question matters more here too, since the person it is about may be reading. The last two questions under How it lands are written for this, and the two about confidences and whose story it is apply to photos and screenshots as much as to words. When unsure, a private message says the same thing to the one person it was for.
Where the filter stops
It screens out cruelty, not honesty
The gates get misused as a reason to swallow every uncomfortable truth, or as a stick to quiet someone else with 'that wasn't very kind'. A hard thing that is true, needed and said with care passes all of them. Reporting harm, saying no and disagreeing with a decision are not unkind just because someone dislikes hearing them.
If your habit is silence
Some readers come to a list like this because they blurt; others already rehearse everything and say very little. For the second group the useful questions are the two about silence, one in The gates and one in Motive. A small quota can work better than a filter, such as one honest contribution per meeting.
Most talk doesn't need all five
Plenty of ordinary conversation is neither necessary nor inspiring, and that is fine: small talk, jokes and thinking aloud are how people stay close. Keep the full check for remarks with a cost attached, meaning criticism, bad news, other people's business and anything said in anger.
It is not a tool for managing someone you fear
These questions assume both people are acting in good faith. If you weigh every word because you are afraid of how someone will react, that is a different problem from tact. It deserves a conversation with a person you trust or with a support service where you live.
Using the kids' version at home or in class
Start with two
Seven questions are too many for a six-year-old in the middle of a quarrel. Begin with 'how would I feel?' and 'did I see it myself?', add the others one at a time as situations come up, and teach the danger question on the first day as the exception to all of them.
Practice on pretend cases
Children pick this up from examples far more than from a poster. Make up small scenes at dinner or in circle time: a friend shows you a drawing you don't like, a new classmate talks differently, someone tells you who another kid has a crush on. Ask which question helps, and let them disagree about it.
Let them hear you do it
Narrate your own pause now and then: 'I was about to say something grumpy about the driver in front, and it wouldn't have helped anyone.' A child who watches adults skip the check will treat it as a rule that applies only to small people.
Correct in private here too
When a child blurts out something hurtful, a telling-off in front of everyone breaks the same rule you are teaching. Step in briefly for the person who was hurt, then go through the questions with the child afterward, one to one, and work out together what could be said to put it right.