Serious Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
For anyone whose relationship has reached the point where the answers matter: where this is going, and whether the two of you want the same life. The 86 questions run in the order to raise them: Where we stand, The future, Money and work, Family and kids, Conflict, and Trust and dealbreakers. The notes say how to open each subject without it sounding like an ultimatum, what a vague answer tends to mean, and when to give your own answer too.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Where we stand
How would you describe where we are right now, in your own words?
Why ask it
A description is easier to give than a verdict, which makes this the gentlest way into a serious talk. If his words come out smaller than yours ("seeing how it goes"), don't correct them. Ask what would have to happen for him to use bigger ones, then give your own description.
Do you see a future with me, or are you still working that out?
Why ask it
The second half is what stops it sounding like an ultimatum, because "still working it out" is an answer he's allowed to give. If he takes it, ask what he's waiting to find out and roughly how long that takes. Not knowing in month four is ordinary; the same reply in year three deserves a second conversation.
On an ordinary week, how happy are you in this relationship?
Why ask it
An ordinary week is the right measure, because the best weekend and the worst fight both mislead. "Pretty happy" is a good answer with a follow-up inside it: ask what would move it up a notch. If the honest answer is "less than I was," ask when it changed before you ask why.
If the pace of this relationship were up to you alone, what would you change?
Why ask it
"Nothing" is a fine answer when it comes with a reason. When he'd slow things down, find out which part feels rushed, since it's usually one step (keys, meeting parents, shared money) and not the whole relationship. If you'd speed it up, this is the moment to say by how much.
When you think about next year, are you picturing me in it?
Why ask it
Listen to how he talks about a trip, a lease or a job change: "we" or "I". Plenty of people plan alone out of habit and not out of doubt, so point out what you noticed before you conclude anything. Then suggest one real plan for next year and see whether he adds to it.
When you're serious about someone, what do you do differently?
Why ask it
You're asking for behavior, not a declaration: time kept free, plans made ahead, being the first person told. Put his list next to what he already does. Where the two match, say so, because a serious talk that only lists gaps feels like a performance review.
Which part of our relationship feels settled to you, and which part feels unfinished?
Why ask it
Let him enjoy the settled half for a minute before moving on. The unfinished half is often a subject you've both stepped around, such as where to live or whose friends you see. Make a note of it afterwards, because it's your next conversation.
What do you need more of from me that you haven't asked for?
Why ask it
People often go without rather than ask, then quietly count it against the relationship. Expect something small and concrete: more notice before plans change, more time with just the two of you, fewer comments in front of his friends. Only say yes to what you can keep up after this week.
Do your family and closest friends know how serious we are?
Why ask it
A practical test of where you stand, since people tend to tell the ones who matter once they've decided. If his parents barely know your name after a year, ask why with curiosity. Some families are told very little about anything, and he can tell you whether his is one of them.
Is there anything you'd need to see from me before you felt sure about us?
Why ask it
Turning the question on yourself shows you're not only auditing him. He may name something fair, like more patience with his schedule, or something you can't give. Don't agree on the spot; say you'll think about it and bring it back within the week.
Is anything going on in your life right now that makes it hard to think long term?
Why ask it
A shaky job, a sick parent, exams or debt can make every question about the future feel like one more demand. If he names something, ask when he expects it to ease. A reason with an end date is very different from a general reluctance.
What do you think I want from us, and how close is that to what you want?
Why ask it
Let him guess before you tell him. A wrong guess means you've been hinting where you should have been saying, which is fixable tonight. A right guess followed by a long pause over the second half is the thing to ask about.
If we set aside one evening to sort out a single thing between us, what should it be?
Why ask it
It turns a vague sense that something needs discussing into an appointment. Pick the evening before the conversation ends, or the subject drifts back to where it was. If his single thing and yours are different, his goes first.
The future
Where do you see us in five years, and which part of that are you surest about?
Why ask it
The second half does the work. Whatever he's surest about, whether it's the city, the job or the two of you, is what he has already decided, and the rest is still open. If you're missing from the sure part, say that you noticed and ask him to fill it in.
Where do you want to end up living, and how fixed is that?
Why ask it
"How fixed" is the half that matters. A man who would like to be near the coast is easy to plan with; one who has promised himself he's going back to his hometown is telling you something you need to hear early. Give your own place and how fixed it is.
Do you want to get married one day, and roughly when do you picture it?
Why ask it
Ask it about him and his life, not about the two of you, and it stays a question and not a hint. A "someday" with no shape, after a long time together, often means he hasn't let himself think about it, so ask what the thinking would take. Then say plainly where you stand, so he isn't answering blind.
If marriage isn't for you, what would a lifelong commitment look like instead?
Why ask it
Skip it if he's already said he wants to marry. For someone doubtful about weddings or about the institution, it shows whether the objection is to the paperwork or to the permanence. Be honest about whether his alternative would be enough for you.
How long do you think a couple should be together before getting engaged?
Why ask it
A general question, so he can answer without feeling measured against it. His number, compared with how long the two of you have been together, tells you roughly where he thinks you are. No number at all is worth a gentle "what would it depend on?"
What would moving in together mean to you: a step toward marriage, a trial run, or cheaper rent?
Why ask it
All three answers are honest ones. Trouble starts when yours and his differ and nobody said so, because one of you thinks a decision has been made and the other thinks it's still being tested. State yours before you sign anything.
If we lived together, how would you want to split the cooking, the cleaning and the laundry?
Why ask it
Unglamorous, which is why it gets skipped until someone is resentful about the dishes. Get past "we'd share it" by going task by task and naming who does each one now, in his place and in yours. Whoever has the higher standard for a job usually ends up doing it, so say out loud where yours are high.
What's the next step for the two of us as you see it, and when do you picture it?
Why ask it
Let him name the step, whether that's meeting family, a shared lease or a ring, before you name yours. If he can't think of one, don't supply it. Ask whether he's content with things as they are for now, and tell him plainly if you aren't.
Picture an ordinary Tuesday for us ten years from now. What's in it?
Why ask it
A Tuesday is easier to describe than a life plan and tells you more: who's cooking, whether there are children at the table, what time he gets home. Have yours ready and trade them detail by detail. The one detail that doesn't match is what to talk about next.
Over the next few years, what comes first for you: your career, building a home, or keeping your freedom?
Why ask it
You want an order, not a single pick. Whatever lands in third place is what he'll give up when the three collide, so check whether it's what you'd put first.
What are you working toward at the moment that I should be planning around?
Why ask it
A qualification, a promotion, a savings goal, getting out of his parents' house: each has a date attached. Knowing it lets you read "not yet" as a schedule. Put your own dates next to his and see where the two timelines cross.
When your plans and mine pull in different directions, whose do you expect to bend?
Why ask it
Most people say "we'd work it out," which is a hope and not an answer. Push gently with a real example, a job offer or a course in another city, and listen for whether he assumes it's you. Taking turns is a perfectly good system if you both name it.
If one of us had to move away for a year, would you want to try long distance?
Why ask it
Some people can do a year apart with a date at the end of it and some know they can't, and neither is a failure of love. Ask what he'd need for it to work: how often you'd visit, who travels, when it ends. If a move like that is really coming for either of you, say so now and stop asking it as a what-if.
Is there anything you'd regret not having done if we settled down soon?
Why ask it
Better asked now than discovered as resentment later. A solo trip or a risky job move can usually be fitted in; "I'm not sure I've lived enough" is bigger and needs its own evening.
What kind of home do you picture: an apartment downtown, a house with a yard, or something we haven't thought of?
Why ask it
A lighter one for the middle of a heavy talk, though it carries real information about money, commuting and how near other people he wants to be. A city person and a country person can make it work, but only on purpose.
What's one thing about the future you assume we agree on but have never checked?
Why ask it
Assumptions hide in the things that feel too obvious to ask: that you'll both work, that you'll stay in this town, that there'll be a dog. Each of you names one and the other confirms or corrects it. Expect a surprise, and treat it as the point of the exercise.
What scares you about the future when you're honest with yourself?
Why ask it
Reassurance tends to close this subject, so skip "that won't happen" and ask what would make the fear less likely. Money running short, a life he didn't choose and turning into one of his parents are the usual ones, and each has a practical answer the two of you can work on.
What would make you say, a year from now, that we'd used the year well?
Why ask it
A year is short enough to be concrete. He might say living together, a trip, fewer arguments, or savings in the bank. Pick one item from his list and one from yours and put rough months on them.
Money and work
Do you have any debts I should know about before our money gets tangled together?
Why ask it
Raise it when a shared lease or a joint purchase is on the horizon, so the reason for asking is obvious. Show your own numbers first: student loans, a credit card, a car. A rough figure is enough for now; reluctance to give even that is something to return to before you sign.
Are you a saver or a spender, and where did you learn it?
Why ask it
Most people know which they are and will say so cheerfully. The "where did you learn it" half usually leads back to a parent who worried about every bill or one who never looked at them. Two savers or two spenders have their own problems, so compare without scoring.
What feels fair to you for rent and bills: half each, in proportion to income, or one shared pot?
Why ask it
No arrangement is the correct one, but each feels unfair to somebody if it was never chosen. If your incomes are far apart, do the math for each option on paper. An answer of "whatever you want" needs a second try, because indifference about money rarely lasts.
How much would you need in savings to feel safe?
Why ask it
For some it's one month's rent and for others it's a year's. A wide gap between your two numbers explains a lot of small arguments about dinners out and vacations. You don't need to agree on a figure, only to know each other's.
What would you refuse to give up even on a tight budget?
Why ask it
Everyone has one line they won't cut, whether it's the gym, good coffee, a season ticket or money sent home, and it's far better known in advance than fought over in a lean month. Name yours and agree to leave both alone.
What do you want from work in the long run: money, meaning, or time?
Why ask it
He'll want all three, so ask which he'd trade away last. A man chasing money will accept hours that a man chasing time won't, and you'd be living with the result. Your own answer matters as much: two people who both pick meaning need a plan for the rent.
Would it bother you if I earned more than you, and would you tell me if it did?
Why ask it
Most people say no straight away. The second half makes room for the truer answer, which may be "a little, some days." That isn't a flaw to argue with; ask what would make it easier, and whether it would change who pays for what.
How many hours a week are you willing to give a job, and what would make you turn down more?
Why ask it
Ask for the number. Fifty hours and seventy hours are different relationships, and "as many as it takes" is a third. The follow-up worth having is what he'd want the evenings to look like on the long weeks.
If one of us wanted to go back to school or start a business, how would we handle the lean years?
Why ask it
A hypothetical for most couples and a live plan for some, so ask whether it's on his mind. You learn whether he thinks in terms of taking turns, and whether he'd carry you as readily as he'd expect to be carried. Agreeing on a time limit is usually the practical answer.
What's the biggest thing you're saving for, or wish you were?
Why ask it
His answer shows how far ahead he's looking, whether it's a down payment, a car, a trip or nothing at all. "Wish you were" lets him admit he hasn't started without feeling judged. If it's something you both want, propose a small monthly amount each.
Which money decisions would you expect me to check with you first?
Why ask it
Settle this before the first surprise purchase, not after. Some people want a say over anything above a hundred dollars and some only over a car. Put a number on it together, and apply the same number to both of you.
Is there a job you'd take that would change how we live, such as nights, long stretches away or a move?
Why ask it
Shift work, the military, travel-heavy roles and jobs in one particular city all rearrange a partner's life too. If something like that is in his plans, ask how far along the idea is. You're entitled to say what you could and couldn't live with while it's still an idea.
Family and kids
Are children part of the life you want, or could you be content without them?
Why ask it
Phrase it as his life and not as a plan for the two of you, and he can answer without feeling booked in. A firm yes or a firm no is a gift even when it isn't the one you hoped for. "Not sure" is honest too; ask which way he leans and what would tip it.
If we did have kids, what's the earliest and the latest you'd want to start?
Why ask it
Two ages give you a window to compare with your own. Skip it if he's said he doesn't want children. If the windows barely overlap, you don't have to fix it tonight, but it goes at the top of the list for the next talk.
What would you do if one of us wanted children and the other never did?
Why ask it
About the hardest difference a couple can have, because nobody can meet in the middle. Asking it as a what-if lets you both say whether it would be a dealbreaker before it is one. If you already suspect you differ, say so directly; a hypothetical is no place to hide a real disagreement.
What would you want to do differently from the way you were raised?
Why ask it
Works whether or not children are certain. He might say more affection, fewer rules, a parent who came to the games. It tells you what kind of household he's aiming for, and it's a kinder way into his childhood than asking what went wrong.
When children are small, who do you picture at home with them, if anyone?
Why ask it
Assumptions about this are often inherited and unexamined. If he pictures you, ask whether that's a wish or an expectation, and what he'd do if you wanted to keep working. Offer your own picture, including the cost of childcare if you know it.
How close do you want to live to your parents, and to mine?
Why ask it
Ten minutes away and a plane ride away make different marriages. Ask for the reason: help with children, a parent who's unwell, or simply liking them. "And to mine" checks whether the rule he has in mind applies in both directions.
How do you honestly feel around my family?
Why ask it
Promise yourself beforehand that you won't defend them. If he feels judged by your father or talked over at dinner, he's been carrying that quietly, and hearing it lets you change the seating, the length of visits or what you say to them. Then give him your honest read on his.
What does your family expect of you that I ought to know about?
Why ask it
Some expectations are spoken and many aren't: taking over a business, living nearby, marrying within a faith, supporting a parent. Find out which he means to meet and which he's quietly decided against. The undecided ones are where you'll want to be consulted.
Where is the line between being a good son and putting the two of us first?
Why ask it
Don't ask it in the week you've argued about his mother. On a calm day it's a fair question about loyalties that many men have never had to put in order. A workable answer has an example in it, such as who he'd call first with big news.
How much say should our parents have in the decisions we make?
Why ask it
Advice, a vote and a veto are three different things, and families differ on which they hold. If his parents are helping with money, their say tends to grow with it, so ask about that directly.
Does faith matter to you in a partner, and would it matter more once there were children?
Why ask it
Plenty of people who rarely think about religion find it matters once a wedding or a baby is being planned. If you come from different traditions or none, ask what he'd want a child taught. Listen for what's essential to him and what's only familiar.
Would you want to look after your parents yourself when they're older?
Why ask it
In some families a parent moving in is assumed, and in others it would never be suggested. Neither is wrong, but it shapes where you live and what a spare room is for. If he hasn't thought about it, ask what his siblings expect of him.
Conflict
What do I do in an argument that makes it worse?
Why ask it
Ask only if you can hear the answer without starting an argument about it. Interrupting, bringing up last time, going silent: he'll likely have one ready. Thank him, then ask whether he wants to hear his. Wait for a yes.
When we fight, what are you most afraid will happen?
Why ask it
Often there's a specific fear under the raised voices: that you'll leave, that he'll say something unforgivable, that it will be like his parents. Once you know it, you can say the sentence that answers it ("I'm angry and I'm not going anywhere") early in the next argument.
What's your signal that you need a break from an argument, and how do I tell it from walking out?
Why ask it
Agree on a phrase and a time, such as "give me twenty minutes," and the break stops looking like abandonment. Whoever calls the break is the one who comes back and restarts the talk. Practice it on a small disagreement first.
Which argument do we keep having, and what do you think it's really about?
Why ask it
Most couples have one, about dishes or lateness or phones. His theory of what's underneath, respect or feeling unimportant or being managed, may differ from yours, and that difference is the useful part. Keep to the theories and leave the dishes themselves alone.
When I say sorry, what do you need to hear besides the word?
Why ask it
Some people need the specifics named, some need to know it won't recur, and some just want it to be brief. If your apologies haven't been landing, this is the reason. Tell him your version so that his land with you.
How would you like me to bring up something that's bothering me?
Why ask it
He gets to choose the delivery: a text first so he can think, face to face, straight away or after dinner. Use it the very next time, and the next hard subject starts on his terms instead of on the defensive. Tell him how you'd want to hear it from him, too.
What should be off limits in a fight, as far as you're concerned?
Why ask it
Each of you lists your own, whether that's name-calling, threatening to leave, dragging in family or old mistakes, and the two lists become house rules. If he says nothing is off limits, ask whether he'd say the same on the receiving end.
After we've made up, is it really over for you, or do you carry it for a while?
Why ask it
One of you probably recovers in an hour and the other in two days. Knowing which stops the quick one from thinking it's settled and the slow one from feeling rushed. Ask what helps the leftover part fade: time, a hug, or one more short talk.
Do you think we argue too much, too little, or about the right amount?
Why ask it
"Too little" is a real answer and an interesting one, since it can mean one of you is holding things in. If your answers differ, ask what he counts as an argument. Some people hear a raised eyebrow as a fight and others don't notice until a door closes.
When you're stressed about something that has nothing to do with me, how should I treat you?
Why ask it
Get the answer while he's calm, because "what do you need?" asked in the moment rarely gets one. Some people want to be left alone, some want to be asked, some just want dinner put in front of them. A good share of arguments begin as one person's bad day at work, and knowing this heads those off.
Do you ever feel you can't disagree with me without it turning into a fight?
Why ask it
A yes here is uncomfortable and valuable. It means he's been agreeing to keep the evening quiet, and agreements made that way don't hold. Ask for one recent example, and resist the urge to show he's mistaken by arguing about it.
Who do you talk to about our problems, and are you comfortable with who I talk to?
Why ask it
Friends and siblings hear about fights, and that's normal, but some people feel exposed when their worst moment travels. Agree on what stays between you: perhaps money and family, perhaps everything. Be honest about what your best friend already knows.
How would you feel about seeing a couples counselor before anything was badly wrong?
Why ask it
To some people counseling means the relationship is failing, and to others it's maintenance. You're finding out which while it's still a hypothetical. If he bristles, leave the idea with him. It doesn't need a yes today.
What gets us back to normal fastest after a bad patch?
Why ask it
Couples usually have a repair habit they've never named: a walk, a shared joke, cooking together, one of you reaching for the other's hand. Spotting yours means you can use it deliberately. If you each name a different one, you now have two.
Trust and dealbreakers
What would end this for you, with no second chances?
Why ask it
Not a question to ask in anger, when it sounds like a threat. Asked calmly, most people can name a few: lying about something big, cheating, contempt. Trade lists as plain information; neither of you needs to swear it could never happen.
Is there anything you don't fully trust me with yet?
Why ask it
Easier to answer than "do you trust me?", which only has one polite reply. He might say his money worries, his family, or how he is when he's low. Ask what would have to happen for that to change, and don't push for the thing itself tonight.
What counts as crossing a line with someone else: flirty messages, lunch with an ex, a friendship you keep quiet?
Why ask it
Couples assume they share a definition and find out otherwise over a text thread. Go through the examples one by one and say yes, no or depends. Where your lines differ, take the stricter one or talk until you can both live with the looser one.
Have you ever cheated on someone, and what do you make of it now?
Why ask it
Ask once, at a time when no suspicion is behind the question, and only if you can hear a yes about his past calmly. Someone who can say what he'd do differently is in a different position from someone who blames the circumstances. If the answer is no, ask what he thinks leads people there.
When you feel jealous, what do you want from me: reassurance, a change, or just to be heard?
Why ask it
It assumes he sometimes does, which is kinder than asking whether he's the jealous type. Reassurance and being heard are easy to give. A change is where to slow down: seeing less of a friend or handing over a password is a rule, and worth agreeing to only if it would be fair applied to both of you.
Are you still in touch with an ex, and what are the rules around that?
Why ask it
Some people stay friends with everyone and some cut all ties, and each finds the other baffling. What matters is whether it's in the open: would he mention it, unprompted, if she got in touch. If you're uneasy, say exactly what about, not just that you are.
Looking back at your last relationship, what part of how it ended was yours?
Why ask it
Why it ended is a story he's told before; his own part in it is the answer you haven't heard. "She was impossible" with nothing after it is thin. One specific thing he'd do differently, like speaking up sooner or not going quiet for days, tells you what he's working on with you.
What from your past would you rather I heard from you than from someone else?
Why ask it
A softer door than "is there anything I should know," because it gives him the reason to walk through it. It might be a debt, an arrest, a broken engagement, a child, a bad year. There's no need for an answer on the spot; some people come back to this one days later, and what he should see first when he does is thanks.
How much honesty do you want from me: everything, or only what affects you?
Why ask it
Some people want to know about every passing doubt and some would rather be spared. Neither is more loving. Agree on a category that always gets told, such as money, health and anyone who's shown interest, and let the rest be optional.
What do you need to keep that's yours alone: friends, a hobby, time to yourself?
Why ask it
Needing some separate life isn't a warning sign, and saying so up front prevents it being read as one. Get specifics, like Thursday basketball or a weekend away each year, so that keeping them later isn't a negotiation every time.
What habits in a partner are a hard no for you: smoking, heavy drinking, gambling, something else?
Why ask it
Easier asked as a general rule than as a comment on anyone. His list often traces to something he grew up around, and he may or may not want to go into that. Check quietly whether anything you do sits near his line, and ask if you're unsure.
Which values would you refuse to bend on, whoever you were with?
Why ask it
Most people have a list (faith, politics, how money or family or animals are treated) and have never said it out loud. A short list is the believable kind. A long one usually mixes preferences in with limits, so ask which two he'd keep.
Is there a habit of mine you couldn't live with for thirty years?
Why ask it
Thirty years is the test. Being late or leaving lights on is irritating for a month and something else over decades. If he names one, find out whether he needs it gone or just acknowledged, then tell him which of his you'd pick.
Is there something you'd want to know about me before committing that you haven't dared ask?
Why ask it
You've been asking for a while, so hand him a turn. He may want to know about debt, an ex, your health or whether you'd really move. Answer fully, even if it's awkward. It's the standard you've been holding him to.
Which of our differences do you think could really come between us?
Why ask it
You probably already know the candidates: children, religion, where to live, how you each spend. Hearing which one he picks shows what he's been worrying about in private. Don't try to solve it tonight. Agree on when you'll take it up properly.
How do you tell a rough patch from a relationship that's over?
Why ask it
His answer is his private rule for staying or going, and few people have ever heard their partner's. He might say it's whether you're both still trying, or whether there's still kindness on bad days. If your rules differ, each of you at least knows what the other is watching for.
After talking through all of this, what do you feel better about, and what worries you more?
Why ask it
Keep it for the end of a long talk, not the middle of one. The "better" half lets you both finish on what's working, and the "worries" half is your agenda for next time. Answer it yourself before you get up.
How to have a serious talk with your boyfriend
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you bring it up
Know what you're trying to find out
Pick the one or two answers you really need, whether that's marriage, children or where you'll live, and choose the questions that lead there. Reading all six groups at him in one evening is an interrogation. Three questions and their follow-ups fill an hour.
Open with the subject, not a warning
"We need to talk" makes most people brace. Try "I've been thinking about next year and I'd like to hear where your head is." He hears the subject and the tone at once, and doesn't spend the evening guessing what he did.
Give notice for the big ones
Marriage, children and money are easier to answer with a day's warning. Saying "can we talk on Sunday about where we're living next year" isn't cold. It lets him arrive with a considered answer instead of whatever he can produce on the spot.
Go in the order of the groups
Where we stand comes first because every later answer depends on it: a conversation about children with someone who isn't sure about the relationship is premature. The future follows, then the practical groups. Trust and dealbreakers works best last, once you've both seen how much you agree on.
Choose a setting where he can think
Side by side is often easier than face to face: a walk, a drive, cooking together. Avoid restaurants, where nobody can go quiet for long or step away, and avoid the hour after an argument, when every question sounds like a continuation of it.
Asking without it becoming an ultimatum
Ask about his life before you ask about the two of you
"Do you want to get married one day?" is a question about him. "When are you going to propose?" is a demand with a question mark. Start with the first kind, and the second is often answered without being asked.
Offer the uncertain answer
Build "or are you still working it out" into the hard questions. People tell the truth more readily when the truth is one of the options, and "I don't know yet" gives you something to follow up on. A pressured yes gives you nothing you can rely on.
Say what you want as a fact, not a deadline
"I want to be married before I have kids, and I'd like kids by my early thirties" is information he needs. "If there's no ring by Christmas, I'm gone" is a threat, and it gets either a panicked yes or a fight. State the fact, then give him time to say where he stands on it.
A limit is not an ultimatum
You're allowed to have a point past which you won't wait, and to tell him so calmly, once. The difference is in the purpose: an ultimatum is meant to force his decision, and a limit describes yours. Only state one you would act on.
Reading his answers
Vague the first time
A vague answer to a question he's never been asked is normal. Ask what it would depend on, or when he thinks he'd know, and suggest a date to pick it up again. First answers to big questions are drafts.
Vague the third time
If the same question has had the same shrug across several months, the shrug is the answer for now. You don't have to push him to change it, but you can stop waiting for a different one and decide what it means for you.
A clear answer you don't like
This is what the conversation was for. Thank him, ask one question to be sure you've understood, and don't argue the point that night. A clear no on children or marriage isn't an opening bid, so treat it as his real position and take a few days over what it means for you.
Agreeing with everything
If every answer matches yours a little too quickly, he may be saying what keeps the evening pleasant. Give your own answer second for a few questions, or ask for the detail: which city, how many, by when. Real agreement survives specifics.
Words and what follows
An answer counts when something happens afterwards. If he said he wants to live together next year, notice whether he looks at listings with you in the spring. Bring it up kindly if nothing moves; plans do slip without anyone having changed their mind.
After the conversation
Put your own answers on record
Every question here is one you owe an answer to as well, and on the big ones he shouldn't have to ask. A talk where only he has committed to anything feels like an assessment, and he'll be more careful next time.
Leave differences open
Finding out that you disagree about where to live or how to handle money is a result, not a failure. Name the difference, agree on a day within the next couple of weeks to come back to it, and do something ordinary together for the rest of the evening.
Write down what you agreed
Dates, numbers and promises blur within a week. A note on your phone with three lines (what we decided, what's still open, when we'll talk again) saves a later argument about who said what. Share it with him so it's a joint record.
When the gap is real
Some differences, such as one person wanting children and the other not, have no halfway point. If you reach one, give it a few conversations before deciding anything, and consider talking it through with a couples counselor or someone you both trust. Knowing sooner is hard, and still easier than knowing later.
If you're afraid to ask
Being nervous before a talk like this is ordinary. Being afraid of how he'll react is something else. If you're holding these questions back because of what he might say or do, talk to a friend, a relative or someone else you trust before you talk to him.