Questions to Ask Before Getting Engaged: A Checklist
A checklist of twenty topics to work through before an engagement, covering actual figures for income and debt, children and fertility, whose career gives way, both sets of parents, faith at home, conflict, and what each of you would call a deal breaker. Answer separately, then compare.
20 questions, each with the reason to ask it · includes a conversation guide
The questions
Open any question to see why it works.
- 1
What does each of us earn, owe and own, to the nearest thousand?
Couples get engaged without ever having seen each other's numbers, and student loans and credit card balances are the usual surprises. Swap actual figures rather than descriptions, because comfortable and careful mean nothing until you compare them.
- 2
What is the largest amount either of us can spend without mentioning it first?
Agreeing on a single threshold prevents most money arguments before they happen. A wide gap in the two answers, fifty against two thousand, is the real finding here.
- 3
Will money be joint, separate, or a mix, and who pays which bills?
There is no correct arrangement, but there is a wrong one, which is never deciding and then resenting the drift. Ask what happens if one of you earns far more later.
- 4
What would each of us do if one of us stopped earning for a year?
Illness, redundancy and a new baby all produce this scenario, and it is far easier to plan calmly now. Notice whether either of you assumes their parents will step in.
- 5
Do we want children, and what would we do if we could not have them?
The first half is usually discussed and the second half almost never is, yet treatment, adoption and accepting a childless life are very different paths. A partner who refuses to consider it has answered.
- 6
If we have children, who cuts back at work and for how long?
Both people often say we would work it out, and then one of them ends up doing it by default. Naming the likely arrangement now makes it a decision rather than an outcome.
- 7
How were each of us disciplined as children, and what would we repeat?
Parenting style is inherited long before it is chosen, and this question surfaces the differences that only appear once a toddler is shouting. Look for a partner who can describe what they would do differently.
- 8
Where do we expect to live in ten years, and how firm is that?
One of you may be assuming a move home eventually and the other may be assuming the opposite. Ask what would have to happen for each of you to relocate.
- 9
Whose career takes priority if the two conflict?
Saying both is not an answer, since a job offer in another city forces the choice. Agreeing on how you would decide is more realistic than promising it will never come up.
- 10
What role will each set of parents play in our daily life?
Expectations range from weekly Sunday lunch to twice a year, and neither person tends to state theirs out loud. Ask specifically about keys to the house and unannounced visits.
- 11
What will we do when a parent needs care?
This arrives for most couples eventually and lands hardest on whoever lives nearest or is female. Talking about money, space and time now prevents a decision made in a hospital corridor.
- 12
What do we each need religion or faith to look like in a shared home?
The difficult part is rarely belief itself, it is the practice: a wedding ceremony, a Sunday, a child's schooling, a funeral. Ask about the specific occasions rather than the theology.
- 13
How much time apart does each of us actually want?
Mismatched needs here get misread as coldness or clinginess for years. Answer in evenings per week and trips per year, not in adjectives.
- 14
How do we each behave in an argument, and what is off limits?
One of you may raise their voice and recover in ten minutes while the other shuts down for two days. Agree now on the things that are never said, and on who is allowed to call a pause.
- 15
What does a good sex life look like to each of us in five years?
Frequency, initiation and what happens during a long dry spell are all easier to discuss before they become a grievance. Silence on this topic before an engagement rarely improves after one.
- 16
What have either of us done that the other does not know about?
This is an invitation, not an interrogation, and the point is to hear it now rather than in year four. A debt, a past marriage, an estranged relative or a health condition are the usual contents.
- 17
What health conditions run in each of our families?
Practical and unromantic, and it affects insurance, children and where you choose to live. It also tells you how each of you handles unwelcome medical information.
- 18
How much do we each drink or use, and would either of us call it a problem?
Comparing your own answer with your partner's answer about you is the useful part. Defensiveness at the question is worth more attention than the numbers.
- 19
What would count as a deal breaker for each of us in a marriage?
Saying it out loud converts a vague assumption into an agreement you can both hold. Answers usually include infidelity, but the second and third items are the interesting ones.
- 20
Is either of us hoping the other will change after the wedding?
Almost everyone is, and naming it is far better than waiting. If the answer involves a habit, a religion, a job or a temperament, treat it as a serious finding rather than a hope.
Working Through the Checklist
Practical guidance for the conversation itself.
How to Run It
How to Run It
Answer Separately, Then Compare
Write your own answers down before you hear your partner's. Done together, the second person tends to soften their answer toward the first, which defeats the entire exercise.
Two or Three Topics at a Time
This list covers money, children, families, faith and conflict, and doing it in one evening produces exhaustion rather than clarity. Take one area per sitting and leave the room afterwards.
Use Numbers and Dates Where They Exist
Careful with money, some time off, near our families and eventually are not answers. Figures, years and place names are what you can hold each other to.
Write Down What You Agree
A single shared page with the things you settled on is worth more than the memory of a good conversation. It also makes it obvious which items you skipped.
When the Answers Do Not Match
When the Answers Do Not Match
- Sort each disagreement into three piles: a preference, a plan that needs work, or a genuine incompatibility. Most land in the middle pile.
- For anything in the third pile, say plainly what you would need in order to proceed, and give it a timescale.
- Do not negotiate a gap the same evening you discover it. Note it, sleep, and come back to it named.
- Watch for one of you conceding fast on everything. Agreement bought that cheaply tends to reappear as resentment.
- If one topic keeps ending the conversation, that is the topic to take to a counsellor rather than the one to drop.
- Set a date to revisit the unresolved items rather than leaving them to the wedding planning to bury.
Common Mistakes
Common Mistakes
Treating It as a Test to Pass
The aim is accurate information, not a clean score. A couple who find four real disagreements have done better than a couple who find none.
Answering as the Person You Intend to Become
Describing the saver you plan to be, or the parent you hope to be, gives your partner a forecast instead of a fact. Answer as you are this year.
Assuming Silence Means Agreement
A partner who says nothing about money, children or family has not agreed with you. Ask directly and wait.
Doing It After the Proposal Only
Once a ring, a date and two families are involved, the cost of raising a real objection goes up sharply. The value of this list is highest before any of that exists.