Conversation Starters for Kids
Conversation starters for kids of about four to twelve, for parents, grandparents and teachers who want more than 'fine' at the end of the day. They are sorted by moment: family dinner, the car, bedtime and a kindergarten or first grade circle, followed by imagination and feelings questions that work anywhere. Each one carries a note for the adult with a follow-up and a way to answer it yourself, so it stays a conversation and never turns into a quiz.
One at a time · 01 of 113
At dinner
“What was the best bite of food you had all day?”
Why ask it
Food is the easiest part of a day to remember, and the cracker traded at recess or the cookie at Grandma's brings the rest of the story with it. Give yours first, down to where you were standing when you ate it.
Shuffle these in the Conversation Starter Generator.
The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
At dinner
What was the best bite of food you had all day?
Why ask it
Food is the easiest part of a day to remember, and the cracker traded at recess or the cookie at Grandma's brings the rest of the story with it. Give yours first, down to where you were standing when you ate it.
Who did you play with today, and what did you play?
Why ask it
Asking about play tends to get a longer answer than asking about school, since play is the part of the day the child chose. Get the rules of the game out of them, then describe one you played at that age and let them judge whether it sounds any good.
If our family had a newspaper, what would today's headline be?
Why ask it
A headline is one sentence, so a five-year-old can manage it and a ten-year-old will try to make it funny. Offer your own first ('Dad Finds Missing Shoe in Car') and then ask for the story underneath theirs.
What do you know more about than anyone else at this table?
Why ask it
It might be sharks, a video game or exactly which bus goes where. Let them lecture for two minutes, ask one real question that shows you were listening, and then take a turn with something they have never heard you talk about.
What do you think I got in trouble for when I was your age?
Why ask it
Let every child guess before you tell the truth. The guesses show what they think of you, and the real story lets them picture the adult across the table being sent out of a classroom.
If you could only eat three foods for the rest of your life, which three would you pick?
Why ask it
Everyone at the table has an answer within seconds, including the four-year-old. Once the lists are in, ask what happens at breakfast, and whether anyone wants to trade one of their three for one of yours.
Would you rather have dessert first every night or never have to eat a vegetable again?
Why ask it
Put it to a vote and make each side argue its case. Whoever gives up vegetables has to rule on whether french fries and carrot cake still count, and that argument can outlast the meal.
If you opened a restaurant, what would it be called and what would everybody order?
Why ask it
The name comes fast and the menu takes longer, which is where the fun is. Ask what job each person at the table would get, and accept being put on dishes.
If you could invite anyone to dinner tomorrow, real or made up, who would sit next to you?
Why ask it
A four-year-old tends to pick a cartoon character or a grandparent, a ten-year-old an athlete or someone out of a book. The menu is the fun part, since nobody is sure what a dragon or a goalkeeper eats. Name your own guest once theirs has a seat.
What made today different from yesterday?
Why ask it
Even a child who says nothing happened can usually find one difference: a substitute teacher, rain at recess, a new seat on the bus. Go first on a slow day to show how small the answer is allowed to be.
What is a question you think nobody knows the answer to?
Why ask it
How many stars there are, what the dog dreams about, where the sky stops. Guess together before anyone reaches for a phone, and admit which ones stump you as well. Looking it up can wait until the plates are cleared.
What is the funniest thing that has ever happened in our family?
Why ask it
The retelling is the fun here. The tent that fell down or the cake the dog got to comes out a little different each time, and children like being the one to tell it. Let the youngest go first and save your corrections for the end.
What would you like to learn how to cook?
Why ask it
Say yes to whatever it is and pick a day, even if the dish is pancakes shaped like a dinosaur. Then tell them the first thing you ever cooked on your own and how it turned out.
Who did you help today, even a little bit?
Why ask it
Holding a door or finding a lost glove counts, and saying so keeps the bar low enough for an answer every night. Mention someone you helped as well, so it does not sound like a test of good behavior.
What are you thankful for today that is not a toy or a screen?
Why ask it
Ruling out toys and screens pushes the answer toward people, places and food. Small is fine: a warm coat, a dog that was glad to see them. Adults go last so the children are not copying.
What is something nice that someone at this table did this week?
Why ask it
Siblings rarely say these things to each other unprompted, and hearing one across the table is different from praise that comes from a parent. If a child is stuck, start with something you noticed them do.
What was the rose of your day, what was the thorn, and what is the bud?
Why ask it
The rose is the best part, the thorn is the hard part and the bud is something still to come. Go around the whole table, grown-ups included, and let a thorn be heard without fixing it between mouthfuls.
What is the best meal you can remember, and who was there?
Why ask it
Children tend to remember the occasion more than the food: a picnic on the living room floor, a birthday at a restaurant, soup at a campsite. Whatever made it good is usually something you can repeat cheaply, so listen for it.
What rule do you think grown-ups should have to follow?
Why ask it
Expect a bedtime for adults or a ban on phones at the table. Say honestly which of their rules you would find hardest, and think about adopting one for a week.
Where should our family go on a trip, and what would we do on the first day there?
Why ask it
The destination can be Antarctica or the pool across town. The first day is the useful half, since it shows what the child thinks a good day with you looks like. Have each person add one thing to the plan.
Who in our family tells the best stories, and which one should they tell again?
Why ask it
Works best with a grandparent, aunt or uncle at the table, because the child gets to do the asking. If the storyteller is you, tell it properly and let them correct the parts you have changed over the years.
In the car
What is the most interesting thing you can see out of your window right now?
Why ask it
Needs no memory and no opinion, so it works on a child who is tired or cross. Wonder aloud who it belongs to or what it is for, and offer something from your side of the road in return.
If this car could turn into something else at the push of a button, what should it become?
Why ask it
Submarine and rocket come up first. Ask where the button is hidden and where you would go, and argue for your own choice: a traffic jam is a strong case for a helicopter.
Would you rather be able to fly or be able to breathe underwater?
Why ask it
Take the opposite side from the child so there is something to argue about. Then ask where the first trip would be, and whether they would tell anyone.
If you were in charge of the music for this whole ride, what are the first three songs?
Why ask it
Then play them, which is what makes the question worth answering. Ask where they first heard each one, and claim the fourth song for yourself with a sentence about why you love it.
Where is the best place this car has ever taken us?
Why ask it
You may be surprised: the answer is as likely to be a gas station with a good slushie as the vacation you saved for. Say what your pick is and see whether they remember it the same way.
If we kept driving and did not stop until tomorrow morning, where would you want to wake up?
Why ask it
Geography is optional. A six-year-old may name the beach, the moon or a cousin's house two streets away. Ask what you would need to pack, and say where you would point the car.
Where do you think the people in that car next to us are going?
Why ask it
The two of you invent a stranger's whole afternoon one sentence at a time, taking turns. Keep the story kind, give the driver a name, and let the child decide how it ends.
Which smell would you keep in a bottle if you could?
Why ask it
Smells are tied to places, so the answer often comes with one: the bakery, the pool, a grandparent's kitchen. Name yours and where it takes you back to.
What should we name this car, and why does the name fit?
Why ask it
A name that sticks becomes a family joke that lasts for years, so take the suggestions seriously. Then give the car a personality to go with it: grumpy on cold mornings, proud after a wash.
Would you rather live in a treehouse or on a houseboat?
Why ask it
Each home comes with a problem to solve: getting the groceries up the ladder, or keeping the homework dry in a storm. Pick the other one so there is a debate, and find out whether there would be a spare bunk for you.
Which animal would be the worst passenger on a long drive?
Why ask it
Giraffes have the neck problem, skunks the obvious one. Ask who would have to sit beside it, and name the animal you think would be the best passenger instead.
What has been the best day of this year so far?
Why ask it
Suits a long stretch of road, when there is time to think back. Give your pick as well, because the two seldom match: you remember the trip and they remember the hotel pool.
What is the first thing you want to do when we get there?
Why ask it
On the way to a party or a new place, this turns nerves into a plan for the first five minutes. On the way home it becomes a snack order, which is also worth knowing.
What do you and your friends laugh about the most?
Why ask it
The joke rarely survives being explained to a parent, and the attempt is what makes it worth asking. Laugh at the telling even if the point escapes you, and offer the running joke you had with a friend at that age.
What would you put on a billboard for everyone on this road to read?
Why ask it
Younger kids write an advertisement for their favorite cereal. Older ones attempt a joke or a piece of advice, and the advice shows what they think the world needs telling. Come up with one of your own before the next exit.
What can a kid your age do that grown-ups are too old for?
Why ask it
Fitting under the table, climbing where an adult would get stuck, getting away with pajamas all day. Children are asked so often what they will be later that the perks of now come as a small surprise. Say which one you miss.
What is a job you would never, ever want to have?
Why ask it
The reason matters more than the job: too boring, too gross, too high up. Tell them about the worst job you actually had, and the one good thing about it.
What do you think is the hardest part of being a grown-up?
Why ask it
Driving, paying for things and going to meetings are the usual guesses. Say which guess is close, give the real answer in terms a child can picture, and add the part of being an adult that is better than it looks.
What place around here have you always wanted to go inside?
Why ask it
Every regular route has one: the fire station, the house with the tower, the shop with the odd window display. Some of them you can simply visit, and saying 'let's find out' beats any answer you could give.
Who would you like to see more often than you do?
Why ask it
A cousin, a friend who changed schools or a grandparent usually comes up. Plan out loud what the two of them would do together, and consider letting the child make the phone call once you have parked.
If you could plan a perfect day, what would happen in the morning, the afternoon and the evening?
Why ask it
Splitting the day in three makes the plan specific and keeps it from ending after one sentence. Count how much of it costs nothing, and say which part of their day you would want to be invited to.
Bedtime
What part of today would you happily do again tomorrow?
Why ask it
Softer than asking for a best part, and it points the child toward the next day as the light goes out. Say which part of your own day you would repeat. With luck it includes them.
What is one thing you hope happens tomorrow?
Why ask it
A small hope gives a child something to fall asleep toward. If it is within your power, such as pancakes or ten minutes of a game before school, say so now and keep your word.
If you could order a dream tonight the way you order from a menu, what would be in it?
Why ask it
A child who is uneasy about bad dreams gets to choose a good one in advance. Fill in the order together (who else is there, what the weather is like) and then place one for yourself.
Is anything from today still buzzing around in your head?
Why ask it
Asked lightly, it invites the thing a child has carried all day without making it sound serious. If something comes out, listen and say thank you. Most of it does not need solving at eight o'clock at night.
What made you feel loved today?
Why ask it
The answer is often smaller than a parent expects: a saved seat, a note in a lunch box, being waited for. Tell them about a moment when they made you feel that way.
If your bed could fly you anywhere tonight and have you back by breakfast, where would you go?
Why ask it
Being back by breakfast matters to younger children, who like an adventure with the way home included. Ask who they would wave to from up there, then say where yours would land.
What is something hard you did today, even though you did not feel like it?
Why ask it
Raising a hand, finishing the worksheet and saying sorry all count. Name the hard thing you did too, especially if it was dull, since children rarely hear that adults have to push themselves.
Who is not here tonight that you would like to say goodnight to?
Why ask it
A grandparent, a friend, a pet at the other house. Say the goodnight out loud together. If it is someone they miss badly, say it anyway and stay a little longer.
Which book that we have read together do you still think about?
Why ask it
A book you finished months ago may turn out to be the one that stuck. Ask which scene they picture, and own up to the one of their books you enjoyed more than they did.
What did you forget to tell me earlier?
Why ask it
Many children save their real news for the last minute before sleep, when they finally have an adult to themselves. Allow five minutes for it. If it is a stalling tactic, it is still a good one.
What should you and I do this week that we have not done in a long time?
Why ask it
Expect something modest, like baking, the long way home or a board game from the back of the closet. Choose the day before you leave the room so it does not become one more 'maybe'.
What do you think is happening on the other side of the world while you are getting into bed?
Why ask it
Somewhere children are eating breakfast or walking to school, an idea a young child finds astonishing. Pick a country, imagine one child there, and wonder together what that child is about to do.
What is your favorite part of bedtime, and what would you add to it?
Why ask it
You hear which piece of the routine carries the weight: the song, the back rub, the same joke every night. A reasonable addition is worth granting, and you can say which part you look forward to yourself.
Who did something for you today that you never got to say thank you for?
Why ask it
A bus driver, a lunch helper or a brother who shared may get a mention. Offer to help write the note or pass the thanks along tomorrow, and thank the child for one thing of your own before you go.
If you and I made up a story right now, who should it be about and where does it begin?
Why ask it
The child supplies the hero and the opening, and you trade sentences from there. Keep the plot gentle as it goes on and stop at a cliffhanger, so there is a reason to continue tomorrow night.
What would you like to be brave about tomorrow?
Why ask it
Said out loud the night before, the spelling test or the diving board can start to feel like a plan instead of a dread. Share a thing you have been putting off, and agree to report back to each other.
How can you tell when you are really, truly tired?
Why ask it
Small children give wonderful answers about heavy eyes and legs that stop listening. It is also a calm way to talk about sleep with a child who insists they are wide awake. Describe your own signs, yawning included.
Circle time
What is your favorite color today, and what is something that color?
Why ask it
The word 'today' matters, because at five a favorite changes by the hour and nobody has to defend last week's. Naming an object keeps the answers from all being 'blue', and the teacher's turn can model a full sentence.
Would you rather jump in a puddle or roll down a grassy hill?
Why ask it
An either-or takes one word, so it suits the first weeks of kindergarten and any child who is still finding the words. Let the class answer by moving to one side of the rug, then have one child from each side say why.
What is something that always makes you laugh?
Why ask it
Tickles, a baby brother's face, one page of one book. Five-year-olds answer this with their whole bodies, so allow a single demonstration each and keep the circle moving. It opens a morning meeting well because the laughing spreads to the children who have not spoken yet.
What is your favorite number, and where have you seen it?
Why ask it
First graders often pick their age or the number on their front door. The second half sends them hunting through clocks, jerseys and bus routes, and makes an easy bridge into a math lesson.
Which animal would you like to be for one school day, and what would you do at recess?
Why ask it
Recess gives the animal somewhere to be, so you get a tiny story where there would have been one word. Invite a movement or a sound from children who would rather show than tell, and go last with an unexpected choice of your own.
What do you like to do when you get home from school?
Why ask it
Gives children a glimpse of one another's afternoons and often reveals two who love the same thing. Jot down a few answers, which are handy the next time a child needs a writing topic or a partner.
Who is someone in your family, and what do you like to do with them?
Why ask it
Worded so each child chooses who to mention, whatever their household looks like. A grandmother, a baby cousin and a dog are all good answers. Tell them about someone in yours.
What is the weather doing today, and what do you like to do in weather like this?
Why ask it
Fits straight onto calendar time. The first half has a right answer that can be checked at the window, and the second is all opinion, so a hesitant child can stop after the first.
What can you do by yourself now that a grown-up used to do for you?
Why ask it
Zipping a coat, pouring milk, writing a name. Children of five and six are proud of these, and saying them aloud to the class is a small ceremony. Add something you only learned as an adult.
What book do you wish our class would read again?
Why ask it
Tells you which read-aloud landed, and the answer is sometimes one you would have dropped from the pile. Ask which page they are waiting for, then read it again that week if you can.
How can you tell that someone wants to be your friend?
Why ask it
Kindergartners answer with actions: they share the red marker, they save a spot in line. Write the answers where everyone can see them, since they work as instructions for the child who is not sure how to start.
What is one thing you did over the weekend?
Why ask it
The Monday classic. 'One thing' keeps turns short and stops the child with the big trip from taking over. For a child who shrugs, 'who were you with?' is usually enough to get a sentence.
What job would you like to try for just one day?
Why ask it
A one-day trial is easier than deciding what to be forever, so even a cautious child will pick something. Follow with 'what would you do first?' and tell them a job you wanted at six.
What can you only do at this time of year?
Why ask it
Jumping in leaves, running through a sprinkler, wearing a certain pair of boots. It ties the talk to what the children can see outside, and the answers can go on chart paper for a drawing afterward.
What do you want to learn how to do this year?
Why ask it
In kindergarten and first grade the answers are concrete: read a chapter book, whistle, cross the monkey bars. Keep what they say and bring it out in spring so the children can see what they can now do.
What do you like to build with: blocks, sand, boxes or something else?
Why ask it
Giving three options helps a child who freezes on open questions, and 'something else' leaves room for the one who builds with couch cushions. The last thing they built makes a ready second question.
What do you do when something is really hard?
Why ask it
Children hear classmates say they ask for help, take a breath or try a different way, which often lands better than the same advice from an adult. Share a thing you still find hard and what you do about it.
Imagination
If a dragon followed you home, where would you hide it and what would you feed it?
Why ask it
The practical problems of an impossible pet are what children like best about it. Follow with 'what is it not allowed to do in the house?' and describe the dragon that would follow you home, with a different temperament.
Which superpower would be the most useful on a normal school day?
Why ask it
Narrowing it to a school day makes children think past flying and toward freezing time before a spelling test. Ask what the catch would be, and name the power that would rescue your own Mondays.
If you could design your dream bedroom, what would it have that nobody else's does?
Why ask it
Slides and secret doors are common, and so are quieter wishes like a window seat or a lock. Sketching it on paper afterward stretches the conversation another twenty minutes.
If your toys could talk, which one would have the most to say?
Why ask it
The oldest and most battered toy usually wins, and the child will happily speak for it. Let it complain about a week spent under the bed, then describe the toy from your own childhood that knew all your secrets.
If you dug up a treasure chest in the yard, what would you hope was inside?
Why ask it
Gold comes first. Asking 'and what else?' turns up better things, such as a map, a puppy or a letter from a pirate. Say what you would hope for, and whether you would share it.
If you could ride any animal to school, which would be the fastest and which would be the most fun?
Why ask it
Two choices mean two rounds of reasoning, and the fun pick is rarely the fast one. Raise the problem of where the animal waits during class, and choose your own ride to work.
If you were a character in a game or a cartoon, what would your special move be?
Why ask it
Children who play games or watch cartoons have often thought about this already and are glad to be asked. Request a demonstration if there is room, and ask what their one weakness would be.
If you invented a new ice cream flavor, what would be in it and what would you call it?
Why ask it
Half the invention is the name. Some children go for delicious and some for disgusting, and both are right. Offer a flavor of your own and let them vote on whether it would sell.
If you could go on an adventure with one character from a book or a show, who would you take?
Why ask it
The choice shows what the child wants in a companion: brave, funny, or good at getting out of trouble. Ask where the two of them would go, and who would be left at home for being too bossy.
If you woke up tomorrow as the parent and I was the kid, what would happen first?
Why ask it
You will hear your own voice quoted back, down to the tone, so take it with good humor. Play along and ask what the rules are, what is for dinner and when bedtime is.
If you had a magic wand that only worked three times, what would you use it for?
Why ask it
Three is few enough that children start budgeting, and the debate over wasting one on candy is the fun part. Notice whether any of the three is for someone else, without pointing it out.
If you could run a zoo, a bakery or a toy store, which would you choose and what would you change?
Why ask it
Choosing among three is easier for a small child than inventing a business from nothing. The changes are the good part: free samples, later hours, penguins allowed out. Apply for a job there and ask what you would be paid.
If you discovered a new planet, what would you name it and who would live there?
Why ask it
Some children give a full weather report and others simply name it after themselves. Press for what the inhabitants eat and how they feel about visitors, then describe the planet next door, which is yours.
If you could meet yourself as a grown-up for five minutes, what would you ask?
Why ask it
Better for eight and up. What a child chooses to ask shows what they are curious or unsure about: where they live, whether they have a dog, whether they are happy. Say what you would ask your own older self.
If someone made a movie about our family, what would it be called and what happens in it?
Why ask it
A comedy, usually. Ask which scene from real life would have to be included and who would get the best lines. Suggest a title of your own and see whether it gets a laugh.
If one thing in our house could be made of candy, what would be the smartest choice?
Why ask it
'Smartest' turns a sweet wish into an engineering problem: a chocolate couch melts, a licorice banister holds up. Push back on the first idea and let them defend it.
If you found a tiny door at the bottom of a tree, who do you think would live behind it?
Why ask it
Made for four to seven, and best asked outdoors beside an actual tree. Work out together what the tiny resident does all day and what it might need from a neighbor your size.
If you had a hundred dollars that you could only spend on other people, what would you buy, and who would it be for?
Why ask it
Taking the child's own wish list off the table shows who they think about and how closely they have noticed what those people like. Guess what they would buy for you before they say it.
If you could mix two holidays into one, which two would you combine?
Why ask it
Costumes with presents, fireworks with an egg hunt. The new holiday needs a name and a menu, and a good one can actually be held on an empty weekend, which is worth offering.
Feelings
What made you really happy this week?
Why ask it
A week gives more to choose from than a day does, and the answer tells you what to make room for. It is an easy way into talking about feelings at all. Add yours, especially if they were part of it.
What comes easily to you, and what do you have to work really hard at?
Why ask it
Both halves need answering, which keeps it from turning into a boast or a complaint. Children are often more exact about this than adults expect. Give your own pair, and make the hard one something real, like parallel parking or remembering names.
What do you do when you feel shy?
Why ask it
Most children have a method, whether hiding behind a leg, going quiet or getting very silly. Tell them about a time you felt shy at a meeting or a party, and what you did with your hands.
If your mood right now were an animal, which animal would it be?
Why ask it
Useful for a child who cannot find a feeling word yet: a sleepy cat and a bear with a sore head both say plenty. Ask what the animal would like next, which is often a clue to what the child would like, and name the animal you are tonight.
What is something small that annoyed you this week?
Why ask it
Annoyances are easier to admit than hurts, and sometimes one stands in for the other. Resist explaining why it should not have bothered them. Trade a petty complaint of your own and laugh at both.
Who makes you feel better just by being around?
Why ask it
It may be a friend, a teacher, a grandparent or the dog. Ask what that person does, since it is often nothing more than sitting nearby, and that tells you what the child might want from you on a bad day.
How is feeling nervous different from feeling excited?
Why ask it
Many children describe the same fluttery stomach for both and then try to work out the difference, which is the conversation. Mention something coming up that gives you a bit of each.
What is something about you that you hope never changes?
Why ask it
Wait out the silence, because this takes most people longer than it should. If they are stuck, name one thing about them you hope stays, something that has nothing to do with looks or grades, and then answer it yourself without joking.
What do you notice about a friend who is having a bad day?
Why ask it
The clues children list (a quiet voice, not wanting to play, a head on the desk) are often the ones they show themselves. Follow up with what they did the last time they spotted it.
What do you say to yourself when something goes wrong?
Why ask it
Some children say 'I am so bad at this' and some say 'oops', and you will not know which until you ask. Tell them what you mutter when you drop a plate, and invent a better line together if one is needed.
When did someone say sorry to you, and did it help?
Why ask it
Children are told to apologize far more often than they are asked how an apology felt. The follow-up is what would have made it a better sorry, and the answer is a fair guide for the next time you owe them one.
Where do you like to go when you need a minute to yourself?
Why ask it
Under the bed, behind the couch, the top of the stairs. Knowing the spot means you can leave them in peace there and check in afterward. Admit to your own, even if it is the car in the driveway.
What is the difference between being alone and being lonely?
Why ask it
For nine and up. Children who like their own company are relieved to hear there is a difference, and those who do not may tell you when lonely happens. Give an example of each from your own week.
What makes you feel grown-up, and what makes you feel little?
Why ask it
Walking to the mailbox alone might be on one side and a dark hallway on the other. Both are allowed at once, at any age. Say what still makes you feel little, such as calling the doctor's office.
What do you wish grown-ups would ask you about?
Why ask it
A direct line to whatever the child is bursting to talk about, whether a drawing series, a game or a collection of rocks. Then ask about it properly, with follow-ups, for at least five minutes.
What compliment would you like to give someone but have not yet?
Why ask it
Children notice good things about classmates and siblings and seldom say them. Help work out when and how to deliver it, and pay one overdue compliment of your own that day.
What is the best surprise you have ever had?
Why ask it
Joy deserves as much talk as worry does. Ask how they found out and what their face did, and tell them about a surprise someone once pulled off for you.
What were you nervous to try that turned out to be fun?
Why ask it
Swimming lessons, a sleepover, a new food. When the child tells it, instead of being reminded by you, it becomes their own evidence for the next new thing. Add one of yours from adulthood.
How to get a child talking, and keep it a conversation
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to ask
Bring one question, not the page
A child who is handed four questions in a row answers none of them. Pick one before the meal or the drive, ask it once and leave it alone. If it gets a shrug, answer it yourself and let the subject drop. It often comes back ten minutes later from the other side of the room.
Take your own turn
Each note suggests how the adult might answer, and that half matters as much as the question. Go first when a child is hesitant, at about the length you hope to get back, and choose a true answer over an impressive one. A child who only ever answers and never hears an answer is being quizzed.
Ask for the detail, not for more
'Tell me more' is hard to act on at six. 'What color was it?', 'who else was there?' and 'then what happened?' are easy. One small follow-up about a detail usually opens up a short answer better than a second question would.
Follow the tangent
If a question about ice cream flavors turns into ten minutes about a friend who moved away, the question has done its work. Do not steer back to it. The starter is there to get you both talking, and where the talk goes is up to the child.
Let a pass be a pass
'I don't know' and silence are both allowed answers. Say 'that's fine, tell me if you think of one' and move on without a sigh. A child who learns that passing is safe will risk a real answer more readily the next time.
Matching the group to the moment
At dinner
These are questions the whole table can answer, from the youngest child to a visiting grandparent. One per meal is plenty. Go around once, let the youngest answer first so they are not copying an older sibling, and let side stories interrupt. Some families let whoever set the table choose the question.
In the car
Nobody has to make eye contact in a car, which suits children who clam up when looked at. The window and would-you-rather questions fit a ten-minute school run. The slower ones, about the best day of the year or the hardest part of being a grown-up, suit a long road with the radio off.
At bedtime
One question, lights low, after the book and before the last goodnight. The bedtime group is deliberately calm. An imagination question about dragons at this hour tends to wind a child up, so keep those for daylight.
In a classroom circle
The circle time group is written for kindergarten and first grade: short turns, no wrong answers, and nothing that depends on what a family owns, what was in the kitchen that morning or where anyone has traveled. Give a sentence starter such as 'My favorite number is', pass an object to show whose turn it is, and let any child say 'pass'.
Imagination and feelings, anywhere
Imagination questions travel well: waiting rooms, checkout lines, a walk to the park. Feelings questions work best one at a time, with one child, when no brother or sister is listening. Start with a lighter one, such as the best surprise or what made the week happy, before any that ask about being shy or lonely.
Adjusting for age
Four to six
Keep it concrete and close to today: breakfast, colors, animals, what they can see. Offer two choices if an open question stalls ('a dragon or a unicorn?'). Expect the same answer the last child gave, and expect long detours. Both are normal at this age and neither needs correcting.
Seven to nine
This is the age of rules, rankings and reasons. Ask 'why that one?' after almost anything and you will get an argument worth hearing. Children this age also enjoy catching an adult out, so questions where they guess something about you go down well.
Ten to twelve
Drop anything that sounds babyish unless they start it, and let them put questions to you as often as you put them to them. The car is your best room. The questions about being alone and lonely, about meeting a grown-up self and about what people should ask them more often were written with this age in mind.
Mixed ages at one table
Choose a question the youngest can answer and give the older children the follow-up. A five-year-old names the restaurant, a ten-year-old sets the prices. Older siblings can also be given the job of asking, which many of them like better than answering.
When it is not working
Every answer is one word
Check the timing first. A child who is hungry, just off the bus or halfway through a show has nothing to spare. Try again later with a question that needs no memory, such as what they can see out of the window, and give your own answer at some length so they hear what one sounds like.
Every answer is a joke about bottoms
Laugh once, because it is funny at seven, then ask for a second answer 'for real this time'. For some children the silly answer is how they join in before they trust the game. If it takes over every night, move to a question with a concrete answer, like the best bite of the day.
One child does all the talking
Go in a fixed order, youngest first, and hold the talker's follow-up until everyone has had a turn. A spoon or a salt shaker passed from hand to hand works as a talking object at home just as it does in a classroom.
It starts to sound like a checkup
If you notice you are asking in order to find out about homework, behavior or who they sat with, the child has noticed too. Go back to a question you would enjoy answering yourself. Information turns up on its own once the talking is a habit.
Something heavy comes out
Now and then a light question brings up a worry or a bad day. Thank the child for telling you and keep your face calm. If others are listening, say you would like to hear more later, then make sure later happens, somewhere private and soon.