Deep Questions to Ask a Christian Girl
For a guy who is getting to know a Christian woman and wants to move past small talk without prying. These 53 questions to ask a Christian girl run in six groups, in the order trust allows: easy openers, her story, daily faith, her church, the hard questions, then dating and the future. The group on her church also holds good questions to ask a Catholic girl, about the Mass, saints and Lent, and the guide below says how to ask when your church is not hers.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
What does being a Christian mean to you, in your own words?
Why ask it
The word covers a Catholic who never misses Mass, a Baptist raised on altar calls and someone who prays daily but has not sat in a church for years. Her own definition tells you which of those conversations you are in before you assume one.
Do you go to a church at the moment, and what is it like?
Why ask it
'At the moment' makes room for being between churches, which happens after a move or a bad experience. Asking what it is like gets you the building, the music and the people, all easy to describe to someone she has just met.
Did you grow up going to church, and what is your earliest memory of it?
Why ask it
Early memories are rarely about belief. They are a scratchy dress, a sticker chart, a homily that went on forever or the biscuits afterwards, and they let her tell you how she was raised without it feeling like an interview.
Which song, hymn or prayer gets to you every time?
Why ask it
Almost everyone has one, and it usually comes with a place: a grandmother's funeral, a summer camp, a car journey. If she offers to play it for you, say yes and listen to the whole thing.
Is there a person in the Bible you have always liked?
Why ask it
Whether it is Ruth, Esther, Martha or Peter, the reason matters more than the name. Someone who likes Peter because he keeps getting it wrong is telling you something about how she sees herself.
What is your favourite way to spend a Sunday afternoon?
Why ask it
Family lunch, a nap, a long walk, homework left too late: Sunday afternoons tend to be habits carried over from childhood. It is also a quiet way to learn what a day spent with her would look like.
Which part of the church year do you look forward to most?
Why ask it
For some it is Christmas Eve by candlelight, for others the quiet of Good Friday or an Easter service at sunrise. A Catholic or Anglican girl may name Advent or a feast day you have not heard of, which gives you an honest reason to ask her to explain it.
What do people assume about Christian girls that is not true of you?
Why ask it
Sheltered, judgemental, no fun: she has probably met the stereotype more than once, sometimes from inside the church. Hear her out, and resist telling her that you never thought any of it.
Her story
How did you come to faith, or has it always been part of your life?
Why ask it
Both answers are common and they lead to different conversations. Someone raised in it has usually had to decide at some point whether it was hers; someone who came to it later has a story with a before. Asking the open version avoids assuming either.
Were you baptised or confirmed, and what do you remember about the day?
Why ask it
For a girl baptised as a baby, the memory is a photograph and a godparent. For one confirmed at fourteen or baptised by her own choice, it may be a chosen saint's name, a river or a nervous walk to the front, and how much it meant at the time is worth hearing.
Who taught you the most about what you believe?
Why ask it
Ask what that person was like to be around, whether it was a grandmother, a youth leader or an author she has never met. You will hear what she thinks faith looks like when it is done well.
What does your family's faith look like, and how much of it is yours?
Why ask it
Few people answer all of it or none. Wherever she has parted from her parents she may not have told them yet, so treat what she says as said in confidence.
Which woman of faith do you look up to, and what does she do that you would like to?
Why ask it
She may pick her mother, an author or the woman who runs the food bank at her church. What she admires, whether patience, courage or plain usefulness, sketches the person she is trying to become.
Has a camp, a retreat or a trip ever changed something for you?
Why ask it
A week away from home is where a lot of young people first take their faith seriously, and also where some of them feel pushed to. Leave room for either, and ask what was still true a month after she got home.
Which passage do you keep coming back to, and what was going on when you found it?
Why ask it
On its own a verse is a favourite quotation. Tied to the year she found it, a hospital waiting room or a first term away from home, it becomes a piece of her history.
What did you believe firmly a few years ago that you hold more loosely now?
Why ask it
Ask what prompted the change and who she talked it through with, and do not grade where she landed. The subject could be anything from how she reads Genesis to a rule she grew up with.
Daily faith
What does a normal week of your faith actually look like?
Why ask it
A good answer sounds like a Tuesday: a group she goes to, a podcast on the commute, five minutes before bed that do not always happen. Say that the unimpressive version is the one you are after, or she may give you the tidy one.
Where do you feel closest to God?
Why ask it
For some it is a pew, and for others a hillside, a choir stall or the kitchen at six in the morning. Remember the place she names; one day she may want to show it to you.
How has your prayer changed over the years?
Why ask it
Asking her to describe her prayer life can feel like an inspection, and asking how it has changed does not. Shorter, angrier, quieter, more honest, less often: whichever she says, take it as news and not as a problem to fix.
Do you pray more easily alone, with other people, or with words someone else wrote?
Why ask it
Some people talk to God as they would to a friend, and others lean on the rosary, a psalm or a written prayer when their own words run out. None is more serious than the others, so ask what each one does for her.
What are you reading or listening to at the moment that feeds your faith?
Why ask it
It might be a Gospel, a devotional app, a podcast on the bus or nothing for the last two months. If she names something, ask for one line that stayed with her and you have the next ten minutes of conversation.
Do you help out anywhere, at church or outside it, and what drew you to that?
Why ask it
Some people choose the Sunday school, the sound desk or the food bank, and some filled a gap years ago and never left. She will know which she is as soon as you ask. If it is the second, ask what she would pick if the choice were hers again.
How does your faith show up at school or at work, where most people do not share it?
Why ask it
Usually in small refusals and small kindnesses: gossip she steps out of, a colleague she covers for, a grace said quickly over a canteen lunch. Whether she keeps it quiet or lets it be seen shows you how she carries it in mixed company, including yours.
What do you do to rest, and does keeping a Sabbath mean anything in your week?
Why ask it
Believing in a day of rest and managing one are different things, and she may laugh at the gap. Knowing which evenings she is already worn out is useful before you ask for more of her time.
How do you know when a decision is the right one?
Why ask it
Listen for the mix: prayer, a parent's or a pastor's advice, how the circumstances fall, plain gut feeling. Ask about one real decision, a course or a job or a move, because the general answer is tidier than the true one.
Her church
What part of church do you love, and what part do you put up with?
Why ask it
Being allowed to grumble about the notices, the drum kit or the forty-minute sermon is what stops this sounding like a test. If she says she loves all of it, she may still be deciding how candid she can be with you.
Which tradition are you part of, and what do you value most in it?
Why ask it
Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, Baptist, Pentecostal and non-denominational churches differ far more than outsiders expect. Asking what she values gets you the liturgy, the teaching or the freedom she would not give up, in place of a list of what other churches get wrong.
Is there a practice in your church that outsiders find strange and you would miss?
Why ask it
Kneeling, incense, confession, raised hands, an hour of silence, a fast: every tradition has something that looks odd from the door. 'Would miss' lets her defend it from affection, and you learn the practice from someone who loves it.
What does Communion, or the Mass, mean to you?
Why ask it
Churches teach different things about what happens at the table, and for a Catholic girl the Mass is likely the centre of her week. Ask so that you understand her, and leave the question of who is right for a much later conversation.
Do you have a favourite saint, or is that not part of your church?
Why ask it
A Catholic or Orthodox girl may have a patron or a Confirmation saint and know the whole life story. If her church does not keep saints she will say so, and may tell you whose example fills that place for her. Look the person up afterwards.
Do you keep Lent or Advent, and what did you do with the last one?
Why ask it
Giving something up for forty days is a habit well beyond the Catholic Church now, and plenty of Christians ignore it entirely. What she gave up or took on, and whether she lasted, makes a better story than why.
Who are your people at church, and how did you find them?
Why ask it
A small group, the choir or two friends in the back row all count. If the answer is nobody yet, she may be lonelier there than she lets on, so do not hurry past it.
Have you ever changed churches, and what made you leave?
Why ask it
A new job or a university place is a short answer. A disagreement or something that went wrong is a longer one, and she may give you only the outline the first time you ask.
What do you wish your church did better for people your age?
Why ask it
Young adults often fall into the gap between the youth group and the married couples, and single women hear a good deal about waiting. She has probably thought about this more than anyone at her church has asked.
If I came to church with you one Sunday, what should I know before I walk in?
Why ask it
When to stand, what a visitor does at Communion and whether newcomers are asked to introduce themselves all differ from one church to the next. Asking shows you would sooner be told than guess, and it leaves her to decide whether the invitation is on offer yet.
Hard questions
When have you doubted, and what did you do with it?
Why ask it
Some people take a doubt to a friend, a priest or a book, and some carry it alone for years. If she can describe hers plainly she is trusting you with a good deal, so do not rush in with an answer or with doubts of your own.
Which part of the Bible or of your church's teaching do you find hardest?
Why ask it
A named passage or a specific teaching means she has read closely enough to be troubled. Do not offer a solution, even if you think you have one. Ask what she does with it in the meantime.
What has your faith asked of you that was genuinely hard?
Why ask it
The answers that stay with you are concrete: a relationship she ended, money she gave away, a job she turned down, a place she stayed when she wanted to go. If she has to think for a while, wait. It may be the first time anyone has asked.
Has there been a prayer that was not answered the way you asked?
Why ask it
Most believers have one, and it is often about a person who stayed ill or a door that stayed shut. She may still be in the middle of it, so let her set how much she says and do not explain it for her.
What do you do on the days when God feels far away?
Why ask it
Some keep the routine going and wait, some stop for a while, and some ring a friend. There is no correct method here. You are hearing how she behaves when a thing she depends on goes quiet.
Has the church, or someone in it, ever let you down?
Why ask it
A leader who failed people, a friend group that closed ranks, a remark about her clothes or her questions: she does not owe you the details. If she gives them, believe her and do not defend people you have never met.
Is there someone you have found it hard to forgive?
Why ask it
She can answer without giving a name. What is worth hearing is where she has got to: whether forgiving meant making up, or only no longer waiting for an apology that is not coming.
When is it hardest to be the Christian one among your friends?
Why ask it
It may be a Friday night, a joke at the faith's expense or a conversation where she is expected to speak for every believer on earth. Knowing where she feels it helps you avoid being one more person who puts her there.
Dating and future
How do you want faith to show up in a relationship, day to day?
Why ask it
Praying together or apart, going to church as a couple, how money and arguments are handled: ask for the picture and not the principle. Then listen for which parts she would like and which she could not do without.
Would it matter to you if the person you dated came from a different church, or from none?
Why ask it
Answer honestly about yourself before she does. For a Catholic girl especially there can be practical questions about where a wedding is held and how children are raised, and how that works depends on her church, so ask her how it is handled there.
What boundaries matter to you when you are dating someone?
Why ask it
She gets to set the terms: pace, time alone, when families meet, what stays private. Listen, then agree or say plainly that you see it differently. This is never the moment to negotiate.
How much say would your family and your church have in who you date?
Why ask it
In some families a boyfriend meets the parents in week two, and in some churches a pastor's opinion carries real weight. Better to learn that now than at a Sunday lunch you were not ready for.
Which couple do you know whose relationship you would want to learn from?
Why ask it
The detail she picks is a picture of what she is hoping for: that her parents still tease each other, or that an older couple at church pray before every big decision.
If you have children one day, how would you want faith to be part of their growing up?
Why ask it
Baptism as a baby or a choice left until later, a church school, prayers at bedtime: families settle these differently. It is far too early to decide anything, but if the two of you do not share a church this is where the difference will matter most, so hear her picture of it first.
What do you feel called to, even if you cannot explain it yet?
Why ask it
'Called' is a church word for the thing she cannot stop thinking about: teaching, medicine, motherhood, a country, a cause. A half-formed answer is fine, and remembering it later means more than a clever reply now.
What are you hoping the next five years look like, and where does faith sit in that?
Why ask it
For some people faith picks the plan, a mission year or a move to be near a church, and for others it travels along with whatever comes. Neither is wrong, but it helps to know which before a job offer in another city puts it to the test.
Is there anything I could pray for, or simply keep in mind, for you this week?
Why ask it
'Keep in mind' is there so that you can ask this truthfully if you do not pray. Either way, the question only counts if you ask the following week how the exam, the interview or her mother's appointment went.
What is something you pray for that you have not told many people about?
Why ask it
Save this for when there is real trust, and accept a partial answer. What she names is usually a person, a fear or a hope she has not been able to say plainly, and the right response is to keep it rather than comment on it.
Getting this right
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to ask
Answer before you ask
If you want a real answer about doubt or family, give yours first, whether or not you share her faith. Questions asked from behind cover feel like an assessment, and she will usually know which one is happening.
Two questions per conversation
Depth comes from following one answer rather than covering ten topics. Ask, listen, ask about something she mentioned in passing, and leave the rest for another day. The list is not a schedule.
Be honest about where you stand
If you are not a believer, or you are somewhere in between, say so early. Finding out later that the interest was in her rather than in the subject reframes every conversation you have already had, and not in your favour.
Work down the groups
The six groups get more personal as they go. Openers and Her story suit a first or second long conversation, and Daily faith and Her church are easy ground once she can tell you are curious and not checking her. Hard questions and Dating and future belong further in, once you have both shown you can be trusted with an answer. The question about what she prays for and has told almost nobody is last on the list for a reason.
Who she is and who you are
If she is Catholic
Her faith may have a shape you do not recognise if you grew up Protestant or with no church: Mass every Sunday, confession, saints, a calendar with Lent and feast days in it. Ask her to explain those and do not tell her what you have heard Catholics believe. The Her church group is where those questions sit, and it ends with the one to ask before you go to Mass with her, because what a visitor does at Communion is hers to tell you. If things turn serious, ask how her parish handles a marriage to someone who is not Catholic, because it is not the same everywhere and she or her priest will know.
If your church is not hers
A Baptist asking a Catholic, or the other way round, will meet words that mean different things on each side: saved, confession, tradition, communion. When one comes up, ask what it means where she worships before you answer from where you do. Agreement can wait until you both know what the other is saying.
If you are already dating her
Skip most of the Openers, which you ought to know by now, and take one question at a time from Hard questions and Dating and future. The ones about boundaries, her family's say, a different church and children are about the two of you, so say so, and give your own answer as well as hearing hers.
If you are asking by text
The Openers and a few from Her story work in a message, because she can reply with a song link or a photo of her church. Anything about doubt, being hurt or what she prays for needs her face and your full attention, so keep it for a walk or a long drive.
What goes wrong
Turning a question into a doctrine test
Asking what she believes and then correcting it ends the conversation and usually the interest. If you disagree, ask how she arrived there. You can hold your own position without making the exchange a debate she did not sign up for.
Using faith as a shortcut to intimacy
Spiritual conversation can feel very close very fast, which is not the same as knowing someone. Let the ordinary things, family, work, humour, money, keep pace with it rather than skipping ahead.
Treating her as representative
Christian women are not one position on modesty, roles, politics or anything else. Questions phrased as why do Christian girls will get you a polite answer and a closed door.
Performing more faith than you have
Overstating your involvement to impress her fails slowly and then all at once, usually around the point where someone suggests attending together. Understate rather than overstate.
Useful follow-ups
- When was that? A date turns a general statement into a story
- Who else knows that? Tells you what kind of disclosure you have just been given
- What did you try? Better than offering advice on forgiveness or doubt
- What changed your mind? The process matters more than the conclusion
- Would you want me to ask you about that again? Lets her decide what gets revisited