Deep Questions to Ask Your Pastor
For the person carrying something, not the person curious about the job. These twenty are the private half hour rather than the handshake after the service: unanswered prayer, doubt you cannot shake, passages you cannot accept, forgiveness you have been told to offer, grief, and what growth actually looks like across years. Every one of them starts from your situation and asks the pastor to meet it. If what you want instead is a sense of what the work is like for them, the set on questions to ask a pastor about ministry is the better page.
The questions
Open any question for the note
What should I do when I pray and nothing seems to come back?
Why ask it
One of the most common reasons people stop praying and one of the least often raised out loud. A pastor worth asking will describe their own experience of it rather than explaining that God answers in other ways.
Where should I start if I keep trying to read the Bible and giving up?
Why ask it
A practical question with a practical answer, which makes it a good opener. Expect a specific book, a translation and a reading plan, and treat vague encouragement to just keep going as an unhelpful answer.
How do you tell the difference between God's leading and what you already wanted?
Why ask it
This is a genuinely unsolved problem rather than a beginner's question, and pastors face it themselves over jobs and moves. Listen for concrete tests they use rather than a general statement about prayer.
I have doubts I cannot shake. Is there room for that here?
Why ask it
Asking about the church as well as about the doubt is the important part. The answer tells you whether this is a place where questions are absorbed or quietly penalised.
What do I do with the parts of Scripture I find hard to accept?
Why ask it
Better than asking what a passage means, because it admits the difficulty is yours and does not go away. A good answer gives you a way of reading rather than a resolution of the specific verse.
What would you say to someone who is angry with God?
Why ask it
Framing it in the third person makes it easier to ask when the someone is you. Whether they treat anger as a problem to correct or as something the tradition already has language for tells you a lot.
How would I know if I am actually growing rather than just attending?
Why ask it
Most people have no measure for this beyond how they feel on a Sunday. Useful answers describe changes other people would notice, in temper, money, or how you treat someone difficult.
What does forgiving someone actually require of me?
Why ask it
People are told to forgive constantly and rarely told what it involves in practice. Press on whether it requires reconciliation, a conversation, or only a decision, because those are very different obligations.
Am I required to forgive someone who is still doing it?
Why ask it
This is where general teaching about forgiveness stops being adequate, particularly around abuse and ongoing harm. An answer that does not distinguish forgiveness from remaining in reach of the person is a poor one.
What should I tell my children about faith when I am not certain myself?
Why ask it
Extremely common among parents in church and almost never admitted. The best answers give you honest language for uncertainty rather than a script that requires you to pretend.
How do I handle it when my family thinks this is nonsense?
Why ask it
Practical, ongoing, and rarely addressed from a pulpit. Whether they focus on defending the faith or on keeping the relationship intact reveals their pastoral instincts.
What do I do about a close friendship where we disagree deeply about belief?
Why ask it
Most advice on this collapses into either conversion or avoidance. Listen for whether they can describe a friendship of their own that survived real disagreement.
Is there anything in my past that the church would say puts me outside it?
Why ask it
Many people carry a private fear about this for years without asking. The answer is also a factual question about that tradition's teaching, and you are entitled to a plain one.
What do you think happens when we die?
Why ask it
Sermons are often less specific about this than people assume, and it is worth hearing what your pastor actually believes rather than what you have inferred. Expect them to distinguish what the tradition holds from what they hold.
How do I sit with someone who is grieving without saying the wrong thing?
Why ask it
Pastors have more practice at this than almost anyone, and the advice is usually concrete: go, stay, say little, come back in a month. Anything that reaches for an explanation of the death is worth setting aside.
What is the church for, beyond Sunday?
Why ask it
This gets at whether the congregation has a working life or only a weekly event. The specifics they name, or fail to name, tell you where you could actually be useful.
Where would my time be most useful here, and how do I say no to the rest?
Why ask it
The second half is what keeps volunteers from burning out, and pastors know exactly how that happens. A pastor unable to help you decline anything is one to be careful with.
How should a church handle political disagreement inside it?
Why ask it
Asks about method rather than positions, which is why it stays a conversation. The answer shows whether disagreement is discussed openly here or simply never mentioned.
What have you watched change in people over ten or twenty years?
Why ask it
Pastors see the long arc of lives in a way almost no other role does, including the reversals. This is where you find out what they think faith actually does over decades rather than weeks.
What should I be asking that I have not thought of?
Why ask it
Handing over the conversation often produces the most valuable thing said all hour. It costs you nothing and surfaces whatever they have noticed that you have not.
How to Get a Real Conversation With Your Pastor
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Best Practices
Ask for a Set Time Midweek
Sunday between services is the worst possible moment, because they are mid performance and tracking a dozen things. Tuesday or Wednesday is the quiet middle of most sermon weeks.
Bring One Question, Not Ten
A single question with your own situation attached will get half an hour of real attention. A list turns the meeting into a survey and the answers get shorter as it goes.
Say What Prompted It
The general question about forgiveness gets a general answer, and the same question with the actual circumstance gets something usable. You can give the shape of the situation without naming anyone.
Ask What They Themselves Do
Moving from what should I do to what do you do reliably changes the register of the answer. Most pastors are more candid about their own practice than about prescribing yours.
Push Politely on a Non Answer
If an answer stays at the level of general encouragement, ask what it would look like on a Tuesday. That one follow up is usually what turns a pastoral reply into practical help.
Question Sequences That Work
When You Are Struggling to Keep Going
- 1What should I do when I pray and nothing seems to come back?
- 2I have doubts I cannot shake. Is there room for that here?
- 3What would you say to someone who is angry with God?
- 4How would I know if I am actually growing rather than just attending?
When You Have a Decision to Make
- 1How do you tell the difference between God's leading and what you already wanted?
- 2Where would my time be most useful here, and how do I say no to the rest?
- 3What is the church for, beyond Sunday?
- 4What should I be asking that I have not thought of?
When It Concerns Someone Else
- 1What does forgiving someone actually require of me?
- 2Am I required to forgive someone who is still doing it?
- 3What should I tell my children about faith when I am not certain myself?
- 4How do I sit with someone who is grieving without saying the wrong thing?
Worth Knowing Before You Ask
- Ask at the start what stays between you. Most traditions treat pastoral conversations as confidential, but safeguarding rules and, in some places, reporting duties override that, and a good pastor will tell you where the line is.
- A pastor is not a therapist or a doctor. For depression, addiction, or anything involving your safety, the right answer from them includes a referral, and that is a sign of competence rather than a brush off.
- If you are describing abuse or ongoing harm, teaching about forgiveness and reconciliation should never be used to keep you in reach of the person. Any answer that does is one to take elsewhere.
- Tradition determines what is even askable. A Catholic priest, a Baptist pastor and a Presbyterian teaching elder answer to different authorities on doctrine and have different room to speak personally.
- Personal doubt lands well in private and poorly in a group, where anything said becomes an official position.
- Many pastors are bivocational, holding a second job alongside the church. A scheduled thirty minutes is far more useful than catching them in the lobby.
- If the honest answer to the questions about doubt or your past is that there is no room for it here, that is real information about the congregation rather than about you.