Dumb Questions to Ask Friends
Dumb questions to ask your friends when nobody wants a serious conversation: hot dog debates, would you rathers, pointless what-ifs, shower thoughts, small confessions and a last group about each other, ending with three for a best friend. Every question has a note on where it tends to go and what to ask next. Good for a long drive, a wait in line or a lull in the group chat.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Debates
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Why ask it
The dumb question most friend groups have already fought over, which is why it works as an opener: everyone arrives with a position. Make each person define a sandwich first, then watch the definition let in a taco.
Is cereal a soup?
Why ask it
Whoever says no has to explain what soup is, and if they say it has to be hot, gazpacho is waiting for them. The friend who says yes usually goes on to call milk a broth, and that is the moment to move on.
Does a straw have one hole or two?
Why ask it
The one-hole side says it is a single tunnel, and the two-hole side asks where the drink goes in and where it comes out. Hand someone an actual straw and they will turn it over for a full minute before answering.
Are there more doors or more wheels in the world?
Why ask it
Nobody can count either, so the argument goes to whoever thinks of the sneakiest category first: office chairs, toy cars, advent calendars. Agree at the start whether a cupboard door counts, or that is all you will discuss.
Is water wet?
Why ask it
The no camp argues that wet is something water does to a towel, not something water is, and the yes camp just points at a glass of it. Ask when the food is ten minutes away, because this one expands to fill whatever time it is given.
Does pineapple belong on pizza?
Why ask it
As tired as dumb debates get, and it still splits every table. Skip the yes or no. Asking each person for the worst topping they would defend gets fresher answers.
Should the toilet paper hang over the roll or under it?
Why ask it
Unlike the other debates, this one comes with a household people have to live in, so the answers get personal fast. The interesting friend is the one who has quietly flipped the roll in someone else's bathroom.
Is a thumb a finger?
Why ask it
Ask how many fingers they have and most people say ten without thinking, then insist a thumb is not a finger a second later. Pointing out that they just did both is all the follow-up you need.
Which goes in the bowl first, the cereal or the milk?
Why ask it
Milk-first people exist, and there is usually one in the group who has kept quiet about it until now. Ask them to walk through the method step by step. The usual defense is that the cereal stays crunchier, and nobody accepts it.
Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste goes on, after, or both?
Why ask it
Nobody knows there are other ways to do this until the question is asked, and then each person is appalled by the rest. Whoever says 'not at all' will be asked to explain themselves for the rest of the evening.
Do you honestly think you could land a passenger plane if someone talked you through it on the radio?
Why ask it
There is always one friend who says yes at once. The speed is the tell, since nobody who has looked at a cockpit answers that fast. Ask what they would touch first.
What is the dumbest hill you are willing to die on?
Why ask it
This is how a group finds its next debate: somebody says a wrap is not a real lunch or that sparkling water tastes like static, and the room turns on them. Let them make the full case before anyone argues back.
Would you rather
Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?
Why ask it
The best known of these, and people's strategy says more than their pick: some plan a fight, some plan an escape route, one person asks about the terrain. Do not let anyone answer without saying what they do in the first ten seconds.
Would you rather have fingers as long as your legs or legs as short as your fingers?
Why ask it
People try to answer quickly and then start doing the engineering: doors, shoes, how you would hold a fork. The acting out is the answer, so let them stand up.
Would you rather only be able to whisper or only be able to shout?
Why ask it
Whisperers picture a quiet life, shouters picture never being ignored, and both forget about libraries and job interviews. If the group is game, play the next two questions under the chosen rule.
Would you rather have to sing everything you say or dance everywhere you go?
Why ask it
Singers get as far as ordering a coffee before they see the problem, and dancers get as far as a dentist's waiting room. Make everyone do ten seconds of whichever they chose, since that is when people switch sides.
Would you rather sweat maple syrup or have spaghetti for hair?
Why ask it
A choice between sticky and edible. Somebody always works out that the hair grows back, so lunch is free. If the table is eating, save it for later.
Would you rather have a head the size of a tennis ball or a head the size of a watermelon?
Why ask it
The practical friends go straight to hats, doorways and whether sunglasses would stay on. Small heads tend to win until somebody asks where the brain is supposed to fit.
Would you rather have a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth forever or socks that are always slightly damp?
Why ask it
Small miseries are easier to picture than big ones, so people answer this with real feeling. Whoever picks the socks without hesitating has been through something and should be asked about it.
Would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life or always feel like you are about to sneeze?
Why ask it
Both are bearable for an hour and maddening for a year, and people only see that halfway through answering. It suits a group chat, where a one-word reply is enough to start the argument.
What if
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Why ask it
The first answer is a favorite, and it rarely survives the thought of day forty. Pizza people start bargaining over whether toppings count as part of the food, so rule on that early.
If you were a potato, how would you want to be cooked?
Why ask it
Sounds like nothing and gets treated like a personality test: the mashed are after comfort, the roasted want to be admired, and anyone who says raw is dodging. Ask what they think you would be.
If animals could talk, which one would be the rudest?
Why ask it
Cats and geese collect most of the votes, and the fun is in the impression that follows. Ask for one line the animal would say to them personally.
If you had to use one emoji for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
Why ask it
The thinking is all about coverage: one face has to handle good news, bad news and 'on my way'. Check their pick against the emoji they really send most, which is rarely the same one.
What is the most useless superpower you can think of?
Why ask it
The winners are tiny and specific: knowing how many stairs are in any building, or making any drink exactly one degree colder. Then have each person find the one situation where theirs would save the day.
If you were invisible for a day, what is the dumbest thing you would use it for?
Why ask it
Asking for the dumbest use rules out the bank vault and gets you someone rearranging a rival's desk one pen at a time. Small ambitions make better stories than large ones here.
If you were a ghost, who would you haunt, and what would the haunting actually be?
Why ask it
The good answers are petty, not scary: moving one shoe, nudging the thermostat, standing behind a coworker during presentations. Whoever they name has usually done something specific to earn it, so ask what.
In a zombie movie, where is the first place you would go, and what are you taking from this room?
Why ask it
Everybody says a giant supermarket and then realizes everybody says a giant supermarket. The second half keeps it honest, because the plan now has to work with a throw pillow and somebody's car keys.
If you could only talk in movie quotes for a week, which movie would you be leaning on?
Why ask it
The practical test is small talk: have them say hello, order lunch and apologize for being late, all in quotes. The friend who manages it without a pause has been talking this way for years and nobody noticed.
If a song played every time you walked into a room, what would yours be?
Why ask it
People pick something heroic for themselves, so the round is letting the rest of the group overrule them with the accurate one.
If you woke up tomorrow as a pigeon, what is the first thing you would do?
Why ask it
Answers divide into flying somewhere nice and settling a score with one particular parked car. Ask how they would let the rest of you know it was them, because that plan is worse than they think.
Shower thoughts
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why ask it
There is a dull practical answer about a square box being simple to fold from flat card, and nobody at the table wants it. Give a point to the best wrong explanation instead.
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why ask it
An old one that still gets a groan, mostly because nobody has a comeback. Ask the group for other words that say the opposite of what they mean, and the list builds itself.
Do penguins have knees?
Why ask it
They do, tucked up under the feathers, and announcing it makes you sound either clever or unbearable. Let people guess and commit before anyone reaches for a phone.
Do fish get thirsty?
Why ask it
Ask it with total sincerity, as if it has been bothering you all week, and wait for somebody to wonder out loud whether a fish even knows it is wet.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner, are you the vacuum cleaner?
Why ask it
A joke shaped like a question, best fired off with no warning in the middle of a chore or a quiet car, where the right response is a pause and a reluctant yes.
If a tomato is a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Why ask it
The logic holds up just well enough to be annoying. Somebody will follow it all the way to salsa being a fruit salad, and they should be allowed to.
If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or is the soap dirty?
Why ask it
The group splits in about a second and neither half can say why. The tiebreaker is practical: would they pick the soap up and keep using it?
At what size does a pebble become a rock, and a rock become a boulder?
Why ask it
Everyone has a firm feeling about this and no measurements, so they show you with their hands. Ask whether they could lift it, since that turns out to be most people's real test.
What color is a mirror?
Why ask it
Silver is the reflex answer, and then someone points out that it is whatever happens to be in front of it. Stop there, because whether 'shiny' counts as a color can run as long as you let it.
Who decided the alphabet goes in that order, and what did they have against Z?
Why ask it
Nobody at the table knows, which is what makes it a dumb question and not a quiz. Have each person pick the letter that most deserves a promotion and make the case for it.
Confessions
What's the most random thing in your search history right now?
Why ask it
The answers worth hearing are boring and inexplicable, like the wingspan of a heron at eleven at night. If someone says they have nothing, let them keep it: this is funnier when people volunteer than when they are made to scroll.
What's a skill you have that has never once been useful?
Why ask it
People deflect at first and say they have none, then produce something like reciting all fifty states in alphabetical order. Ask for a demonstration, since half the entertainment is the demand for proof.
What's the strangest food combination you actually like?
Why ask it
Expect a ruling from the group on whether it is disgusting or inspired, usually before anyone has tried it. A lot of these turn out to be something the whole family ate and nobody questioned until a friend was watching.
What's the dumbest way you've ever hurt yourself?
Why ask it
The injury is nearly always minor and the cause is furniture, a door or their own shoelace. Ask who saw it happen, because a witness doubles the story.
What song lyric did you sing wrong for years?
Why ask it
People will sing the wrong version for you, and it is often better than the real one. The follow-up is who finally corrected them and how public it was.
What's a random fact you learned that you cannot stop bringing up?
Why ask it
Octopus hearts and the age of sharks do a lot of work here. The group has usually heard it twice already, so expect someone to question whether the fact is even true. That is where the round gets loud.
What have you said with total confidence that turned out to be completely wrong?
Why ask it
Best answered by friends on each other's behalf, since people forget their own and remember everyone else's. Geography comes up a lot, along with how long things take to cook.
What's the most absurd thing you've convinced someone was true?
Why ask it
Two kinds of answer come back: harmless childhood lies to a sibling, and things a person's coworkers still believe. The second kind is much funnier and needs one follow-up asking whether it was ever corrected.
Which completely made-up rule from your childhood did you believe for way too long?
Why ask it
The funny part is the age at which they found out, so ask for it. The rule usually traces back to a parent who found it convenient, like the ice cream truck playing its music only when it has sold out.
What's the dumbest argument you've ever been in, and did you win?
Why ask it
The subject is something like how to load a dishwasher or which way a street runs, and the teller is still not over it. If the other person in the argument is sitting right there, hear both versions.
What's the dumbest thing you've ever bought and still own?
Why ask it
'Still own' is the part that matters, since it means the thing is in a drawer somewhere and can be produced. Late-night orders and anything bought on vacation lead the field.
What's the dumbest thing you've ever been genuinely proud of?
Why ask it
A brag nobody has to be impressed by, which is why it lands better than a real achievement. Think catching something as it fell off a shelf, or guessing the total at the checkout to the cent.
About us
If I got arrested and nobody told you why, what would you guess I did?
Why ask it
A cheerful way to find out what your friends think you are capable of. The guesses tend to be small and oddly specific, like arguing with a parking officer, and the speed of the answer is the insulting part.
If I were an animal, which one would I be?
Why ask it
Have everyone answer for the same person at once, on a count of three. If two people name the same animal without conferring, that friend has to live with it.
What would the warning label on me say?
Why ask it
Friends write these far more accurately than you would yourself: 'do not wake before nine', 'will read the whole menu aloud'. Keep it to things the person already jokes about, and go round so everyone gets one.
Which of us would be the first to go in a horror movie, and what would we have done wrong?
Why ask it
The group agrees on a name faster than that person would like. The mistake is the better half: going to check on the noise, suggesting everyone split up, stopping to pet something.
If we started a band, what would it be called and who is stuck playing the triangle?
Why ask it
The name takes a while and the triangle player is settled almost at once. Nobody needs to play an instrument for this to produce a full lineup, a breakup and a reunion tour.
Would you still be my friend if I turned into a worm?
Why ask it
Ask it in a serious voice with no lead-up, which is the only way it works. A best friend skips past yes and goes to logistics: where you would live, what you eat now, whether you still get a say in the group chat.
What dumb habit of mine have you quietly started doing too?
Why ask it
Close friends swap habits without noticing: a word, a noise, a way of ending a phone call. This one is for a best friend. Hearing which of yours they caught is a compliment, however dumb the habit.
What is the dumbest thing the two of us have ever laughed at until it hurt?
Why ask it
It can almost never be explained to anyone else, which is why this belongs to a best friend and not the whole group. Trying to tell it again usually sets you both off before you reach the end.
How to Run a Round of Dumb Questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
How to run the round
Answer first yourself
Whoever asks should go first with a genuinely stupid answer. If the person asking stays neutral and judges, everyone else gives short safe answers and the round dies in four minutes.
Ask for the why, not the what
The choice of potato or emoji is never the funny part. The reasoning is, so the only follow-up you need is asking someone to justify the answer they just gave.
Mix the groups
Three debates in a row turn into a shouting match, and three confessions in a row start to feel like an interview. Take one from each group in turn, and finish on About us, where the answers are about the people in the room.
Keep phones out of the debates
Looking it up ends the argument, and the argument was the point. With Debates and Shower thoughts, have everyone commit to an answer out loud before anybody is allowed to check.
Let people fail the question
Someone will have no answer for a prompt. Move on quickly instead of pressing, because the pause while a person tries to manufacture a funny answer is the thing that kills the momentum.
Where these work and where they do not
- Car trips and long lines are ideal, because nobody can leave and there is nothing else to look at.
- In a group chat, send one at a time. A whole list reads as a chain message and gets ignored.
- With people you have just met, stay in Debates and Would you rather. Confessions and About us need a shared history to be funny rather than strange.
- The last three About us questions are written for one best friend. In a bigger group they leave everyone else watching.
- Around a table, go in order rather than letting the loudest person answer everything.
- End the round while it is still going well. Six good ones beat working through the whole page.