How to Ask Your Pendulum Questions About Relationships
Using a pendulum to ask relationship questions goes better when each question takes a plain yes or no and is about something you can check afterwards. These 53 questions follow a session: settling yourself and the wording first, then groups for being single, someone new, a committed relationship and an ex, and a closing group for when to stop. Every one asks about your own wants, readiness or next step, never about what another person feels, and the guide shows how to turn the second kind of question into the first.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Before you ask
Am I calm enough to ask about this right now?
Why ask it
Ask this before anything else. The pendulum hangs from your hand, and small movements you do not notice making are enough to swing it. A session held while you are keyed up is the one you are most likely to over-read afterwards.
Is this the question I actually want to ask?
Why ask it
The first question that comes to mind is often a decoy. You ask whether they are thinking about you when what you want to know is whether to keep waiting. Notice which answer would disappoint you, because that reaction points to the real question faster than the pendulum will.
Am I willing to act on a no?
Why ask it
If the honest answer is no, you are looking for reassurance rather than guidance, and the session will simply keep going until you get it. Better to know that now than after four rounds of asking the same thing in different words.
Is this question about my own choice, and not about what someone else feels?
Why ask it
Another person's feelings are the one thing a session cannot check, so turn the question round before you ask it. "Do they miss me?" becomes "Do I want to get back in touch?", which has an answer you can test against what you do this week.
Does this question ask only one thing?
Why ask it
A pendulum has two answers, so "Should I stay and try harder?" gets a swing that could belong to either half. Read the question aloud and listen for an "and" or an "or". If you hear one, ask the halves on separate turns.
Do I already know which answer I am hoping for?
Why ask it
Say the hoped-for answer aloud and write it beside the question before the weight moves. If every swing in a love session matches that column, you have a record of your hopes, which is still worth having as long as you call it that.
Does my yes swing the same way when I picture this person?
Why ask it
Calibrate on something dull first, then picture the person and check the signal again. Strong feeling tightens the hand, and a yes that suddenly swings twice as wide is telling you about your grip, so let the weight settle before you go on.
Have I decided how many questions I will ask about this person today?
Why ask it
Choose the number before the first question and write it at the top of the page. Without a limit, a session about someone you love tends to end only when the answer you wanted turns up.
Single
Am I ready for a committed relationship at this point in my life?
Why ask it
Make "at this point in my life" do some work first: think of your actual week, your job and whoever you were with last. If you catch yourself arguing with the swing, listen to the argument, which tends to be about time or about an ending that is not finished.
Am I holding back from love out of fear?
Why ask it
A yes on its own tells you little, so have the follow-ups written out: fear of being left, of being known, of choosing wrong. Go through them one at a time and notice which one you would rather skip.
Am I repeating a pattern from an earlier relationship?
Why ask it
Patterns are easier to see from the outside, so treat a yes as a prompt to name the earlier relationship rather than as a conclusion. If two or three earlier relationships come to mind at once, that is the answer regardless of which way the pendulum went.
Am I still comparing the people I meet to someone from my past?
Why ask it
A yes usually arrives with a name attached before the swing has finished. Ask next whether the comparison is to the real person or to the best few months you had with them, because nobody new can compete with an edited memory.
Would I still want a relationship if I felt content on my own?
Why ask it
This separates wanting a partner from wanting the loneliness to stop, and the two lead to very different first dates. If the swing says no, leave dating out of the next few questions and ask about your evenings and your friendships instead.
Am I making room in my week to meet someone?
Why ask it
One of the few love questions you can check against a diary. If the last month holds no evening where you could have met a stranger, the swing is beside the point and the calendar has answered.
Is my list of requirements ruling out people I would enjoy?
Why ask it
Ask it once in general, then go through the list one line at a time: height, job, distance, age. The line where the swing changes, or where you feel yourself wanting to defend it, is the one to think about.
Do I believe I am someone a good partner would choose?
Why ask it
That is a lot to hang on one swing, so save it for a steady day. If it comes back no, it may account for some settling and some early exits, and it is better taken to a friend or a counsellor than back to the pendulum for a second opinion.
Someone new
Do I want to see this person again?
Why ask it
After a first date this gets buried under wondering whether they liked you. Ask it before you look at your phone, while your own impression of the evening is still the only one you have.
Do I like who I am when I am around this person?
Why ask it
It moves the attention from how they come across to how you behave near them: funnier, quieter, more careful, more yourself. You have real evidence for this from the last three times you met, so compare the swing with it.
Am I putting more into this than I am getting back?
Why ask it
Before the weight moves, count who sent the first message and who suggested the plan over the last two weeks. That tally is the answer, and the session is useful mainly for showing you whether you were ready to look at it.
Am I overlooking something I noticed early on?
Why ask it
Early doubts get filed away once the messages get good. If a yes comes with a specific memory, a remark, the way they spoke to a waiter, a story that did not add up, write down the memory and not the swing.
Have I told this person clearly what I want?
Why ask it
Plenty of questions about someone new come down to this one. If the answer is no, that is the task, and any further asking is a way of avoiding it. If the answer is yes, check whether you said it in words or only hinted.
Do I want to ask this person what we are to each other?
Why ask it
What the other person feels is out of reach for a pendulum, but whether you want the conversation is fair game. A no deserves a follow-up about which reply you are afraid of hearing, since that fear may be what has kept things undefined.
Should I say how I feel within the next month?
Why ask it
A timeframe makes a timing question answerable. "Is it the right time?" has no edges, so it can be answered yes today and no tomorrow without either answer meaning anything.
Am I moving faster than I am comfortable with?
Why ask it
Pace is easier to feel than to argue about, which suits a tool that answers through your own hand. On a yes, keep seeing them and name one thing to slow down, such as how many evenings a week you spend together or how soon you meet the family.
Would I be glad to introduce this person to my closest friend?
Why ask it
Reluctance here tends to mean you already suspect what the friend would say. Picture the actual introduction, the room and the friend's face, before you ask, and notice whether your shoulders drop or tighten.
Should I stop waiting for a reply and get on with my week?
Why ask it
No swing can tell you whether the message is coming. What a yes can do is end the vigil, and it works best followed by something physical, like leaving the phone in another room for the evening.
In a relationship
Is being with my partner good for me as things stand today?
Why ask it
The words "as things stand today" are what make this answerable. Without them the question quietly becomes a question about potential, and potential is where people stay stuck for years.
Do I trust this person with something that matters to me?
Why ask it
This turns an unanswerable question about their character into an answerable one about your own behaviour. Look at what you have actually handed over: money, keys, a secret, a bad day. If the honest answer is nothing, no pendulum swing changes that.
Is my suspicion based on something I have actually seen?
Why ask it
A pendulum cannot tell you what your partner has done, but you can ask what your worry is made of. Before you start, list what you have seen or been told in one column and what you have imagined in the other. If the first column is empty the worry is still real, and it is something to say to them, not to test in secret.
Do I feel free to say no to my partner?
Why ask it
Think of a small, real example first: a plan you did not want, a purchase, a visit. If the answer is no because you dread the reaction, put the pendulum down. That belongs with a person you trust or a support service, not with a session.
Is there something about this relationship I am avoiding looking at?
Why ask it
The vagueness is on purpose here, though it is poor practice everywhere else on this list. If you get a yes, your own mind supplies the subject within a few seconds, and that first thought is the thing to ask about next.
Am I the one who should raise the conversation we keep putting off?
Why ask it
Some subjects sit untouched because each of you is waiting for the other to open them. A yes settles who goes first, which may be the only thing that was undecided, so follow it by picking a day.
Am I still carrying our last argument around with me?
Why ask it
Unfinished arguments leak into every other question you ask about the relationship. If this comes back yes, hold the bigger questions for another day, since tonight they would all be answered by the argument.
Am I waiting for this person to change?
Why ask it
A yes reframes the whole session, because you are then not asking about the relationship you have but about one that does not exist yet. Follow it with a question about how long you have been waiting.
Do I want to share a home with my partner this year?
Why ask it
Whether you want it is yours to ask about. Rent, leases and who pays for what are not pendulum questions and need a conversation with numbers in it. Try the question three ways, for their place, your place and somewhere new, and see whether the swing differs.
Do I want to marry this person, whatever anyone else expects?
Why ask it
The last clause strips out parents, friends who are already engaged and the number of years you have been together. Ask it on a day when nobody has mentioned a wedding, and keep the answer to yourself for a week before doing anything with it.
Is this relationship worth another three months of my effort?
Why ask it
Three months gives an open-ended wait an end date, and a day in the diary to ask again. Whatever the swing says, the question makes you name what effort you have been putting in and what you were expecting back.
Would I choose this person again, knowing what I know now?
Why ask it
The years already spent are left out of this one on purpose, because they can keep you in a relationship after the wanting has gone. If the pendulum hangs still for a long while, write the hesitation down next to the answer.
Do I want to be with this person five years from now?
Why ask it
Five years is far enough off that this week's good or bad mood has less say in the answer. If you cannot picture that version at all, the blank matters more than a yes, and the next thing to ask is whether it is about them or about your own plans.
Am I ready to end this relationship?
Why ask it
Leave this until late in a session, when the smaller answers are already on the page. Ready is not the same as willing or certain, so if you get a yes, ask what the first step would be and stop there for the day.
An ex
Have I accepted that this relationship is over?
Why ask it
Every other answer about an ex reads differently depending on this one. If it is no, your questions about getting back in touch are questions about hope, and it helps to hear them that way.
Is it this person I miss, and not simply having someone?
Why ask it
Test it with specifics: their voice, their jokes, how they were on a Sunday, as against company at dinner and someone to text goodnight. If the list of specifics is short, the missing is about the empty chair, and a different question will serve you better.
Would contacting my ex leave me better off?
Why ask it
Unlike "Are we meant to get back together?", this can be checked against the last time you got in touch. If that message or call did not leave you better off, be honest about whether you are asking for permission.
Would I go back if nothing about the relationship had changed?
Why ask it
Reunions are imagined with the problem already fixed. Asking about the unchanged version removes that edit, and a no tells you exactly what you would need to see first, which is something you can say to them or to yourself.
Is there something I need to forgive before I can move on?
Why ask it
Whether they deserve forgiving is left out, because that argument has no end. On a yes, ask next whether the person to forgive is them or you. It is easy to assume the first and miss the second.
Am I staying friends with my ex in the hope of getting back together?
Why ask it
Friendship with an ex can be exactly what it looks like, and it can also be a waiting room. Ask this, then ask whether you would still want the friendship if they started seeing someone else. Your reaction to the second question is the clearer of the two.
Is looking at their profile keeping me from moving on?
Why ask it
You know roughly how many times you looked this week, which makes this one of the more honest swings you will get. Treat a yes as an instruction with a date on it: mute or unfollow for thirty days and ask again afterwards.
Am I ready to start dating again?
Why ask it
Ready here means able to sit across from a new person without telling the story of the old one. If that is beyond you this month, write the no down with a date and ask again when a season has passed.
Closing
Have I already asked this today in different words?
Why ask it
Look down your written list for it. Two questions that would be settled by the same fact are one question, and the second swing only tells you that you did not like the first.
Did any answer today go against what I hoped for?
Why ask it
A session where every swing agreed with you has probably measured your wishes. One unwelcome answer is a good sign that you were holding the question loosely enough, and it is the one to think about tonight.
Is there something here I should now ask the person directly?
Why ask it
The pendulum works on your side of the relationship, and the other side has a voice of its own. If the answer is yes, write the actual sentence you would say to them before you put the weight away.
Should I leave this subject alone for at least a week?
Why ask it
Daily asking about one person turns a reflective practice into a habit of checking. A yes with a date in your notebook protects the answers you already have from being overwritten by tomorrow's mood.
Do I know what I will do differently this week?
Why ask it
One small action, a message sent, a plan cancelled, an evening kept free, is what separates a session from a rehearsal. If nothing comes to mind, the questions were probably about someone else, and the next session should start with you.
Working with a pendulum on relationship questions
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Framing questions the pendulum can answer
One clause, one subject
"Is this person my soulmate or twin flame?" has two subjects and no clean yes. Split compound questions before you start, and write them down so you do not drift mid-session.
Put a boundary on time
"Soon" and "eventually" cannot be wrong, so they teach you nothing. Use a window you would actually notice passing: this month, before the summer, within a year.
Ask about you, not about them
Questions about your readiness, your patterns and your next step can be checked against your own behaviour afterwards. Questions about someone else's private feelings cannot be checked at all, which is why they tend to be asked repeatedly.
Set your yes and no before you begin
Rest your elbow on the table, hold the chain between thumb and forefinger, and ask to be shown a yes, then a no. Whichever movements you get, write them at the top of the page. Do this while you are calm and asking about something trivial, not while you are asking whether to leave someone.
Turning a question about them into one about you
"Do they love me?"
Nobody holding a pendulum can check another person's heart. Ask "Do I feel loved in this relationship as it is today?" and you have a question whose answer you can compare with how last week actually went.
"Will they come back?"
A prediction about someone else's choice gives you nothing to do but wait. "Would I go back if nothing about the relationship had changed?" and "Would contacting my ex leave me better off?" cover the same ground from the side you control.
"Is this person the one?"
The phrase has no agreed meaning, so a swing cannot be right or wrong about it. Try "Would I choose this person again, knowing what I know now?", which asks much the same thing with your own evidence attached.
Choosing from the list
When you are using a pendulum to ask relationship questions, a short session reads more clearly than a long one. Take two or three from Before you ask, stay inside the one group that fits where you are, and finish with two from Closing.
Reading a session honestly
Note the questions you re-ask
Asking the same thing three times is the clearest signal in any session. It marks the answer you are unwilling to accept, which is more useful information than the swing.
Write the answer down immediately
Memory quietly edits pendulum sessions towards the outcome you wanted. A dated note lets you check, a month later, whether the answers were consistent or whether they tracked your mood.
Notice your own hand
The pendulum amplifies tiny movements you do not intend. This is not a reason to stop; it is the reason to hold a question loosely and to stop when you are tired.
End the session on a hard answer
One clear no is worth more than twenty softened maybes. End the session, sit with it, and come back another day if you still want to ask something else.
What to take elsewhere
Whether someone is being unfaithful
A pendulum cannot establish another person's behaviour, and a swing treated as evidence can do real harm to a relationship that was not in trouble. The list has the version you can ask, which is whether your suspicion rests on something you have seen. If it does, the conversation is with them.
Anything involving safety
If a relationship frightens you, that is not a question for a session. Put the pendulum away and tell someone you trust, or contact a domestic abuse service where you live.
Decisions with legal or financial consequences
Marriage, shared property and custody come with rules that depend on where you live. Use the pendulum to work out what you want, and a lawyer or adviser there to tell you what it involves.
Questions asked on someone else's behalf
Reading for a friend's relationship without them asking puts you in the middle of it. If they want an answer, hand them the pendulum.