LDS Questions to Ask Before Marriage
Twenty questions for a Latter-day Saint couple to work through before the wedding, covering where each of you stands with the church now, what home worship and callings would take, tithing and money, children and timing, how decisions get made when you disagree, and what you would do if one of you changed.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Where are you with the church right now, and has that shifted at all in the last couple of years?
Why ask it
Asking about the present, and about movement, gets past a label. Someone whose activity has quietly increased or eased off is telling you the direction they are heading, which matters more over a marriage than where they happen to be this month.
What would our Sundays and weeknights look like: prayer, scripture study, family home evening, and who leads it?
Why ask it
Everyone agrees these matter in principle, so ask for the schedule. The answer usually contains an unstated assumption about who organizes, reminds and prepares, and that is the part worth naming before it becomes a habit.
Do you have a current temple recommend, and is there anything that would delay us being sealed?
Why ask it
Better asked directly and early than discovered while setting a date. A hesitation here is not necessarily a problem, but it is a conversation with a bishop and a timeline attached, and you both need to plan around it.
What does being sealed mean to you in practical terms, not just as a belief?
Why ask it
Look for whether it changes how they would behave on a bad week. Answers that stay entirely in eternal language, with nothing about patience, forgiveness or staying in the room during an argument, describe an aspiration rather than a plan.
How much of a week do you expect callings to take, and what happens if you get a demanding one?
Why ask it
Bishoprics, Relief Society presidencies and youth callings can take many evenings. What you want to hear is whether they would tell you before accepting, and what they would hand over at home to make room for it.
Do you pay a full tithe, and what do we do in a month when money is short?
Why ask it
Both of you may say yes and mean different things by it: on gross or net, before or after other bills. The short-month answer is the revealing one, since it shows which commitment gives way first under pressure.
How do you keep the Word of Wisdom, and where are your edges?
Why ask it
Practice varies on caffeine, energy drinks and how strictly food guidance is read. The point is not to grade each other but to find out now whether one of you will be uneasy about what is in the fridge.
What are we each bringing in financially, and who is going to run the budget?
Why ask it
Ask for figures: debts, student loans, savings, credit. Reluctance at this stage nearly always means the number is worse than the summary, and the person who ends up doing the budgeting should be chosen rather than defaulted to.
How many children do you hope for, and how soon after the wedding?
Why ask it
Timing causes more strain than number. Listen for whether it is their own view or a family expectation, and whether they have thought about your schooling, work and health in the answer, or only their own.
How do you feel about contraception and spacing children?
Why ask it
This is a decision left to the couple, so what you are testing is whether they see it that way or expect one of you to decide. Having no view still sets a default, and the default falls hardest on whoever is pregnant.
Do you expect me to work outside the home, and would that change once we have children?
Why ask it
Ask about after children specifically, because a warm answer now often reverses there. If neither childcare nor cost has been considered, the unspoken plan is that one of you stops, and it is worth knowing which of you they picture.
What does presiding in a home mean to you in practice?
Why ask it
Interpretations differ widely inside the church, from full partnership to a final say. Ask for an example: who decides where you live, who handles money, what happens when you disagree. The example tells you far more than the term does.
If we both pray about a decision and come away feeling differently, what do we do then?
Why ask it
This happens, and couples who have never discussed it tend to treat the disagreement as one person not listening to the Spirit. Look for whether they can imagine waiting, deferring, or being the one who is wrong.
How would we handle it if one of us stopped believing, or stopped attending?
Why ask it
Ask it calmly, as a hypothetical, because it is common enough to plan for. The answer tells you whether you would be met with curiosity or with pressure, and what they would say to your children and their parents about it.
When something in church history or policy troubles you, what do you do with it, and who do you talk to?
Why ask it
You are looking for whether hard questions can be spoken aloud in your home. Someone who says nothing troubles them may simply not have looked yet, which is worth knowing so the first encounter is not a crisis you face alone.
What are your expectations about physical intimacy, and how would we raise it if we were not on the same page?
Why ask it
Couples who have kept strict boundaries before marriage often arrive with very different assumptions and no practice at discussing them. The useful part of the answer is the process: whether they could hear a no, or a not tonight, without treating it as rejection.
What are your standards for the Sabbath and for what we watch, and do you expect the same from me?
Why ask it
Specifics prevent a slow argument: shopping on Sunday, sports, films, whether a standard applies to guests. The second half of the question matters most, since a standard you never agreed to becomes a source of quiet judgment.
How much say will your parents have in our decisions, and how often would we be at their house?
Why ask it
Listen for the difference between consulted and deciding. Regular Sunday dinners, help with a down payment and strong opinions about your plans usually come as a package, and it is easier to set expectations before the wedding than after.
If one of our children left the church, or came out to us, how would you want us to respond?
Why ask it
A hard question and a fair one, since your answers determine whether a child would tell you at all. Notice whether they answer with a rule or with a relationship, and whether they can picture staying close to someone who chose differently.
If our marriage were struggling, would you go to a counselor, to the bishop, or both?
Why ask it
The reluctance to see a professional, or the assumption that church leaders handle everything, is worth knowing while it is theoretical. Someone who has already thought about who they would call is telling you they intend to work at it.
Working through these before the wedding
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Pacing the conversations
Several sittings, not one
Home worship, callings and Sabbath habits are straightforward to discuss early. Money, intimacy, presiding, and what you would do if one of you changed belong to later conversations, once you both trust that an honest answer will not end the engagement.
Ahead of the recommend interviews
Anything that affects worthiness or timing is easier raised between the two of you first. Finding out about it from a delayed date, or in front of a bishop, adds pressure to a conversation that is hard enough on its own.
Away from both families
Questions about parents, money and children get a different answer in a family living room. Have those in the car, on a walk, or anywhere neither mother is likely to appear with a plate of something.
What to listen for
- Direction, not just position. Someone slowly becoming more observant and someone slowly stepping back can be at the same point today and heading for a real difference.
- Who does the work. When a plan involves teaching, organizing, cooking or driving, ask who they picture doing it before you agree to the plan.
- Numbers. Tithing, debt, savings, hours of church service and how soon they want children should come out as figures rather than sentiments.
- Whether they can say 'I do not know'. Certainty about every question on this list is rarely a good sign at twenty-two.
- Their questions for you. If the whole list runs one way, that imbalance tends to carry into the marriage.
Common pitfalls
Treating a spiritual answer as the end of the discussion
'We will be fine because we are being sealed' is faith, not a plan. Ask the follow-up about who, when and how much, and do it kindly rather than as a challenge.
Hurrying to a date
Short engagements are normal in the church and they compress these conversations badly. If a question keeps getting deferred because of wedding logistics, that is a reason to move the date, not the question.
Grading each other
The moment one person feels measured, the answers turn into performance. Say where your own practice is thin before asking about theirs.
Assuming shared meaning
Presiding, full tithe, keeping the Sabbath and modest all carry different meanings between two active families. Ask for an example every time one of these words appears in an answer.
Ways to raise the harder ones
- 'I want to talk about money properly, numbers included. I will go first with mine.'
- 'This is hypothetical and I am not hinting at anything. If I stopped attending, what would you want us to do?'
- 'When you say you would preside, tell me what that looks like on an ordinary Tuesday.'
- 'What have you not told me because you were worried about how I would take it?'