Questions to Ask a Girl Before Marriage
Questions to ask a girl before marriage, written for the man doing the asking. If your families introduced you last month, Start here covers what a first serious conversation needs: whether marrying is her own choice, what she wants in a husband, her work, where you would live and children. If you are deciding what to ask your girlfriend before marriage, a year or five into being together, spend longer in the other groups: daily life, family and faith, money, raising children, and trust and conflict, each with one or two written for a couple who already know each other well. Nearly all of them are ones she can fairly ask you back, and the notes say where you should answer first.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Start here
Is getting married now your own decision, or is anyone pushing you towards it?
Why ask it
Ask it early, kindly and out of earshot of relatives, because every other answer rests on this one. If she hesitates or says her parents are keen, slow down and give her room to say more. A yes given under pressure is not a yes, and you would want to know that before anyone books a hall.
What are you looking for in a husband?
Why ask it
Listen for behaviour and not adjectives: 'kind' tells you little, 'someone who rings when he is running late' tells you a lot. Then say honestly which parts sound like you and which do not, because letting her assume is how disappointment gets built in.
Do you want to keep working or studying after marriage, and what would you need from me to do it?
Why ask it
Saying you support her career costs nothing, so let her tell you what support would actually mean: moving city, sharing the school run, backing her through two more years of exams. If there is something on her list you could not give, say so now and not after the wedding.
Would you want to live with my parents, near them, or in a home of our own?
Why ask it
Few answers reshape her daily life as much, so describe the household as it really is: who cooks, who decides, how much privacy a couple gets. Offer all three options as real ones. If only one of them is acceptable to you, tell her that plainly instead of asking.
Do you want children, and if so, how many and when would you want to start?
Why ask it
Three answers in one, and couples often match on the first and miss on the timing. 'Someday' from one person and 'within a year' from the other is a real gap. Take what she says as her position, not as an opening bid.
What do you like doing when a day is entirely your own?
Why ask it
This is the hobbies question in a form that gets a real answer, and it is worth more than it looks, since evenings and weekends are when you would actually be together. Notice whether her ideal day is full of people or quiet, and compare it truthfully with yours instead of claiming to love whatever she names.
Would you call yourself traditional, modern or a mix, and what does that look like day to day?
Why ask it
The labels mean something different in every family, so go straight to examples: what she wears, who she expects to cook, whether she would travel alone for work. Two people can both say 'a mix' and be describing very different homes.
What do you eat and not eat, and do you drink or smoke?
Why ask it
Sounds minor and decides every shared meal for decades. A vegetarian and a meat eater can share a kitchen happily, but only once they have agreed what gets cooked in it. Ask about drinking and smoking just as plainly, and give your own habits untrimmed.
What has meeting people for marriage been like for you so far?
Why ask it
A gentle one when families made the introduction. She can say she is tired of it, enjoying it or unsure, and it shows you see a person across the table and not a profile. Trade your own stories of awkward meetings, which loosens the room.
How long would you want us to know each other before deciding?
Why ask it
In a match arranged through families the timetable is often set by other people, and asking what she wants hands some of it back to the two of you. If she would like six months and the families expect six weeks, take that to them together.
What would be a deal-breaker for you in a marriage, however good the match looked on paper?
Why ask it
Giving up work, moving abroad, living with in-laws, changing her faith: most people know their limits already and are relieved to be asked. Believe the answer, and do not marry on the hope that a firm no will soften later. Name your own as well, so neither of you finds out at the engagement.
Is there anything about getting married that worries you?
Why ask it
Hold back the instant reassurance. Whether she names losing her independence, leaving her city or living near your mother, ask what would make it less of a worry, because that gives you something you can actually do. Then tell her yours, so she is not the only one who has admitted to nerves.
What would being married give us that being together does not already?
Why ask it
One for a girlfriend whose weekends, friends or flat you already share, where 'do you want to get married' only gets a yes or a shrug. She might say security, children, peace with her parents, or that she is not sure it adds anything. Have your own answer ready, because 'it is the next step' will not satisfy her either.
How sure are you about me, and what would you still want to see before you decided?
Why ask it
With a girl you want to marry but have not yet asked, this finds out where she stands without putting a proposal on the table. 'I am still working it out' deserves respect, not an argument. Ask whether what she is waiting for is something you could do or simply more time.
Daily life
What do you picture our ordinary Tuesday looking like five years from now?
Why ask it
Ask for the detail: what time each of you gets home, who is cooking, whether there are children at the table or parents in the next room. Two people can agree on 'a happy family life' and be picturing quite different evenings, and a weekday shows it faster than talk about holidays does.
Where do you want to be living in ten years, and how attached are you to it?
Why ask it
Her answer may be a city, a country, or simply 'within an hour of my mother'. Ask whether it is a wish or a condition, because you can plan around a wish, while a condition has to be accepted or declined before the wedding. Give her your own answer in the same terms.
If one of us were offered a job in another city or abroad, how would we decide whether to go?
Why ask it
Common where one of you already works in another country, and it has to be asked in both directions. Her willingness to follow your job is half the answer. What you would do when the good offer is hers is the other half, so have that ready.
What are you hoping to have done by forty that you have not started yet?
Why ask it
The plan she has not mentioned to her family may come out here: a further degree, her own business, a year working abroad. Ask what it would need from a husband, whether time, money or a move. If she says there is nothing, leave the door open and come back to it another day.
How would we split the housework, and which of us would notice when it needs doing?
Why ask it
Doing a job when asked is different from being the one who sees that the bin is full or the cooking gas is running low. If your mother has always done the noticing for you, admit it. Then say which jobs you would take over completely, not just help with.
Who cooked in your house growing up, and who do you expect to cook in ours?
Why ask it
A fairer question than whether she can cook, which hands her the kitchen before either of you has agreed to that. What each of you grew up watching is usually what each of you assumes. Say what you can cook yourself, and what you are willing to learn.
How much time alone or with your own friends do you need to feel like yourself?
Why ask it
Get it as an amount: one evening a week, a Saturday morning, a yearly trip with college friends. Agreed in advance, that time is just part of the week; discovered later, it can look like pulling away. If she says she needs none at all, ask again once you know each other better.
Which of your habits at home would a husband have to get used to?
Why ask it
Light, and useful: the fan on all night, no talking before tea, an alarm snoozed five times. Offer yours in return. A couple who can laugh about small habits before the wedding has a way to raise the annoying ones after it.
How much of your life do you share online, and what about a marriage should stay off it?
Why ask it
Some people post every dinner and some post nothing, and each reads the other's habit as a statement. Agree what stays private, such as the inside of your home, arguments, and later any children, before one of you learns the answer from a tagged photo.
Where would you most like to travel, and what kind of traveller are you?
Why ask it
Easy enough for a first conversation and more practical than it sounds. Someone who books every hour and someone who just turns up will otherwise meet each other on the honeymoon. Listen too for how much travel she wants in a year, because that is a line in the budget.
What about the way we live now would you want to change once we are married, and what should stay exactly as it is?
Why ask it
Couples who have been together a long time tend to assume a wedding alters nothing, until one of them expects the separate flats, the late nights out or the separate holidays to stop. Get her list and give yours. The things to keep count just as much, whether that is her Thursday with friends or your Sunday match.
What have we not been through together yet that you would want us to before a wedding: sharing a home, a hard year, a long trip?
Why ask it
Some people want to have lived together first and others would not, for reasons of faith or family, and both positions are fair. What she names is the part of the two of you she feels is still untested. If it is something you could manage in the next six months, put a date on it.
Family and faith
How close are you to your parents and siblings, and who do you ring first with news?
Why ask it
Asked to understand her, not to grade her family. Whoever she rings first with good or bad news will be part of the marriage too. A strained relationship with a parent is no mark against her, and usually has a story she will tell when she is ready.
What do your parents expect from the man you marry, and do you agree with them?
Why ask it
In a family introduction you are being measured against a list you have not seen: income, community, property, a job in a particular city. Hearing it from her beats guessing. Where she disagrees with her parents is worth even more, since she is the one you would be marrying.
How often would you want to see your own family once we are married?
Why ask it
Where a bride moves to her husband's home or city, visits to her parents can quietly become something she has to ask for. Get an actual frequency, whether every Sunday, once a month or two long stays a year. Then agree that those visits are hers by right and not a favour from you or your family.
Whose family would we spend the big festivals and holidays with, and how would we decide each year?
Why ask it
A method is more use than a one-off answer: alternate years, split the day, or host both families yourselves. Ask which single occasion she could not bear to miss with her own family, name yours, and build the arrangement around those two.
When you and my family disagree, what would you want me to do?
Why ask it
She will be the newcomer in your family, so this is hers to answer and yours to act on. Staying quiet to keep the peace is the tempting course and the damaging one, because it leaves her arguing with your relatives alone. Tell her how you have handled it before.
Which decisions are ours alone, and which would you want to take to our parents first?
Why ask it
Where to live, when to have a child, how to spend a bonus: families who arranged a match often expect a vote afterwards as well. Sort the list together now. Telling a parent 'we have decided' is far easier when the two of you agreed beforehand that it was yours to decide.
What kind of wedding do you picture, and how much say should our families have in it?
Why ask it
The wedding is the first big thing you plan together, and how it goes is a fair preview. A quiet ceremony and five hundred guests are different sums of money and different amounts of family control. Better to find the gap before deposits are paid.
Would you want to support your parents with money or care after marriage, and how would we plan for it?
Why ask it
Plenty of daughters help their parents and fear that marriage will be expected to end it. Raising it yourself tells her it will not have to be hidden or fought for. Be just as open about what you send, or expect to send, to your own family.
How important is faith in your daily life, and how would you want children brought up in it?
Why ask it
Get the weekly detail: prayer, fasting, services, what she eats or wears because of it. Then ask what she would expect of you, since two people of the same religion can practise it very differently. How children are raised is a separate decision, so do not assume it follows from her first answer.
Which customs and festivals from your family do you want to keep in our home?
Why ask it
Matters most when the two families differ in region, language or religion, where each side assumes its own way is the ordinary one. Ask which she would miss if they vanished. Those are the ones to protect, and she may be glad to let the rest go.
Do you expect to change your surname after marriage, or keep it?
Why ask it
Custom differs by country and community, and so does the paperwork, so check how a change of name works where you live. What matters in the conversation is that it is her name and her decision. If your family will mind, that is yours to deal with.
What do your family and closest friends honestly think of me, and does any of it trouble you?
Why ask it
After a year or more she knows what her mother says once you have gone home, and what her best friend thinks as well. You are not asking her to take sides, only to describe what you would be marrying into. A doubt of theirs that she half shares is better heard from her than from someone else later.
Money
Was money tight, comfortable or never talked about in your house when you were growing up?
Why ask it
Someone who saves because every bill was watched at home and someone who saves because she was simply taught to will react differently to the same bad month. Listen for who controlled the money in her family and whether it caused rows. It explains her instincts better than asking for her views on budgeting.
Are you a saver or a spender, and what do you spend on without guilt?
Why ask it
The guilt-free category is the useful part: clothes, travel, presents for family, eating out. Two careful savers can still quarrel when one thinks the other's single indulgence is waste. Name yours as well.
Would you want a joint account, separate accounts or both, and who would look after the bills?
Why ask it
It need not be all or nothing: plenty of couples run one shared account for rent and food and keep the rest apart. Whoever ends up paying the bills should not be the only one who can see the figures. Agree too what size of purchase either of you would mention to the other first.
How much of what you earn would you want to keep as your own money?
Why ask it
Financial independence can mean her own account, her own savings, or simply never having to ask before buying something. None of these is distrust. Find out what it protects her from, sometimes the memory of a mother who had to ask for everything, and say what you would want kept as yours.
How much debt do we each have, and what is the plan for it?
Why ask it
Go first, with figures: student loan, car loan, credit cards, anything owed to relatives. Whether one person's debt becomes the other's after marriage depends on the country and the kind of loan, so check how it works where you live. She may not want to give a number at a second meeting, which is fair, as long as you both have before the wedding.
What would feel like financial security to you: a figure in savings, a house, no debt?
Why ask it
Her answer names what would let her stop worrying, and it may not be income at all. A husband can earn well and still leave his wife anxious if her idea of safety is a home with nothing owed on it and his is a high salary. You also learn what she would never want risked on a business or an investment.
Is either family expecting gifts or money to change hands at the wedding, and how do you feel about that?
Why ask it
Where gifts or payments pass between families at a wedding, the expectations are often set by relatives and never said aloud to the couple. Raising it lets the two of you refuse what neither wants. The law on such payments differs by country and some ban demanding them, so find out how it stands where you live.
You have seen how I handle money for a while now; which of my habits would worry you in a husband?
Why ask it
A girlfriend of a few years has watched you pay for holidays, lend to friends and reach the end of a thin month, so she is answering from evidence. Do not defend yourself while she talks. Afterwards, name the one habit of hers you would want to discuss before the two of you share bills.
Children
What if one of us changed our mind about children after we were married?
Why ask it
Agreeing today does not bind either of you in ten years, and it is more honest to say so than to pretend otherwise. Ask what she would want you to do if you were the one who changed. An answer from either of you that amounts to 'you would come round' is one to stop and talk through.
How soon after the wedding will relatives start asking about a baby, and what do we tell them?
Why ask it
In many families the questions begin within months. Agree one line that you both give, and each say it to your own relatives, so she is not left at every gathering fielding a decision that belongs to the two of you.
How do you feel about adoption or fertility treatment if we could not have a child?
Why ask it
Hard to imagine in advance, and nobody's answer is binding. Still, some people are sure they would adopt and others sure they would not, and relatives tend to have loud opinions. Knowing roughly where she stands means it will not be a first conversation in a bad year.
If we have children, which of us would cut back at work, and for how long?
Why ask it
The unspoken assumption is usually that she will, so ask it as a real question and be ready to say whether you would take leave or go part-time yourself. Parental leave and pay differ by country and by employer. Look up what each of you is entitled to before you settle on an answer.
How much of a hand should our parents have in raising our children?
Why ask it
Grandparents can be the childcare that makes two careers possible, and also the people who overrule a bedtime or a diet. Sort out which decisions stay with the two of you, such as discipline, schooling and food, and who says so to which set of parents. It matters most if you would be sharing a house with them.
How were you disciplined as a child, and how much of that would you keep?
Why ask it
Whatever each of you grew up with, whether shouting, smacking or a quiet talk at bedtime, is the starting point you each have to choose to keep or drop. Say which parts of your own upbringing you would not repeat. If the subject is plainly painful for her, do not dig, and ask only what she would do differently.
What language would we speak at home, and what kind of school would you want for children?
Why ask it
Language decides whether grandchildren can talk to their grandparents, and one that nobody speaks at home is easily lost, so couples from different regions or countries need to choose on purpose. Schooling brings up the same loyalties, with fees attached.
From watching me with children in our families or among our friends, what kind of father do you think I would be?
Why ask it
She has seen you with nieces, nephews or a friend's toddler and drawn conclusions you have never heard. Let her describe the patience and the impatience alike. Her picture is likely to be fairer than your own, and it shows what she is hoping for or bracing against.
Trust and conflict
When you fall out with someone close to you, what do you need from them, and what makes it worse?
Why ask it
You may never have argued with each other, so ask about a sister or a close friend. One person wants it settled before bed and another needs an hour alone first, and following someone who has asked for space tends to restart the row. Tell her which of the two you are.
Which argument do we keep having, and what would it take to settle it before a wedding?
Why ask it
This one needs some history, and most couples a year or two in have a row that comes round again: time with friends, tidiness, how often you visit her parents. A wedding will not end it, and a shared home leaves less room to walk away from it. Agree what each of you would do differently, in terms small enough to check next month.
Is there anything you have stopped raising with me because of how I took it last time?
Why ask it
Long relationships collect subjects that were dropped after one bad conversation. Pick a calm day, and thank her for whatever she names, even if it stings. Your reaction in that minute decides whether she brings you the next hard thing or keeps it to herself.
When you are stressed or upset, how would I know, and what helps?
Why ask it
Her signal might be going quiet, cleaning the whole house or picking a fight about something unrelated, and once you know it you can stop taking it personally. Then ask for the remedy, whether that is company, a walk, food or an hour left alone, so you are not guessing on the day.
How do you show someone you care about them, and how do you like it shown to you?
Why ask it
One person says it in words, and another by cooking your favourite meal or sitting up with you when you are ill, and each can miss the other's way entirely. Ask how affection was shown in her family, and tell her how it was in yours. Agree as well how either of you can ask for more or less of it without the other hearing a complaint.
What is something you have forgiven that you thought you would not be able to?
Why ask it
A heavy one, so keep it until you know each other a little, and answer it yourself first. Listen to how she talks about it now: as something finished, or as something still being counted. If she would rather not say, respect that and do not hold it against her.
What would feel like disloyalty to you, even if nothing physical had happened?
Why ask it
Lines differ more than people expect: a hidden chat, a friendship kept secret, money sent without a word. Each of you will assume your own line is the obvious one. Hearing hers now is far cheaper than crossing it by accident.
What do I need to know about your past relationships, and what do you want to know about mine?
Why ask it
You are owed whatever affects the marriage: an earlier engagement or marriage, a child, someone she is still in touch with. You are not owed a full history, and pressing for one punishes honesty. Give her the same summary of yours without making her ask twice.
What should I know about your health before we marry, and what should you know about mine?
Why ask it
Go first with your own, and ask as someone planning a life, not screening a candidate. A condition she manages is simply information, while one hidden for fear of rejection does its harm later. Include anything running in either family that the other would want to know before deciding.
If I lost my job or became seriously ill, what would you expect us to do?
Why ask it
Work it through as a practical problem: who earns, what gets cut, whose family you would lean on, whether she would be comfortable carrying the household for a while. Then turn it round and say what you would do if it happened to her. Neither of you needs a finished plan, only the sense that you would face it as two people.
How do you feel about divorce, and what would make a marriage worth leaving?
Why ask it
Less gloomy than it sounds, because it is how you learn what she would never put up with. Violence, lying about money, contempt: the list is usually short and fair. You also hear whether she sees marriage as unbreakable whatever happens, or as a promise both people keep earning.
Would you be open to premarital counselling, or to asking for outside help if we hit a wall?
Why ask it
Some faith communities require sessions before a wedding, and some families treat outside help as shameful, so views differ widely. A flat no is not a failing, but ask who she would turn to instead. A couple with nobody they would both listen to has no plan for a bad year.
Is there anything you would want me to know before we decide?
Why ask it
Leave it until late and then wait. People often hold one thing back until it feels safe to say, and a long pause here is usually someone deciding whether to trust you. Thank her for whatever comes, and answer the same question yourself.
What do you want to ask me that you have not yet?
Why ask it
A conversation where only one person asks is an interview, and she is choosing too. If she has nothing to ask, it may be shyness or she may have been told not to. Either way, offer what you would want to know in her place.
What would a good marriage look like to you, twenty years in?
Why ask it
Whatever she names, still liking each other, children who visit, work she is proud of, is what she will be measuring the marriage by. Hear it before you promise it. Then give your own, because two different yardsticks can sit side by side unnoticed for a long time.
How to have these conversations well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Setting them up
If your families arranged the meeting
You may get one short conversation with relatives in the next room. Choose four or five from Start here, begin with whether this is her own choice, and leave bank accounts and schooling for later. If nobody has offered a second meeting, ask for one: a decision this size should not rest on a single afternoon.
If she is already your girlfriend
You know her, which helps, and you think you know her answers, which does not. Skip only what you have seen for yourself, such as what she eats, and ask the rest anyway: children, money and where you would live are the subjects a settled couple is most tempted to assume. Every group also has a question or two that needs your history together, such as which argument you keep having.
Spread them over weeks, not one evening
Working through the whole list in a sitting turns it into an examination. Three or four at a time, with room to come back, leaves her time to think and to put the same questions to you.
Answer first when the question is hard
On money, health and family, going first sets the level of candour. If you ask about her debt without stating yours, you get a defended answer.
Ask for the number or the example
How often, how much, which weekend. Values are easy to agree on in general. It is the specifics, twice a month or every Sunday, one account or two, that show whether you want the same thing.
Write down what you agreed
Not as a contract, but because two people seldom remember a conversation the same way a couple of years on. A line in a shared note about whose family gets which festival, or how the accounts will work, gives you something to check instead of arguing over who said what.
Common mistakes
Turning it into an interview
She is deciding about you with the same questions. Anything you would dodge yourself, on salary, health or an old relationship, is not yours to ask yet, and how you take an answer you dislike tells her more than anything you say about yourself.
Asking with the family listening
Asked about work, children or her own wishes with parents and future in-laws in the room, she may give the answer the room expects. Ask for a few minutes alone, a walk or a phone call later, and keep anything that matters for then.
Treating agreement as the goal
Some differences are workable once they are known. The aim is an accurate picture of what you are each signing up to, not a matching set of answers.
Accepting we will figure it out
On children, money and where you live, that phrase can mean one of you is expecting the other to give way. Ask what figuring it out would look like.
Asking only when you are already worried
If the first time you raise money is after a fight about spending, the question reads as an accusation. These land better during a calm week.
Skipping the second half of the question
Many of the questions have a second part: which of us would notice, how would we decide, what would you need from me. That part is harder to answer and more useful, so do not move on once the first half has had an easy reply.
Suggested groupings
A first meeting set up by your families
- 1Is getting married now your own decision, or is anyone pushing you towards it?
- 2What are you looking for in a husband?
- 3Do you want to keep working or studying after marriage, and what would you need from me to do it?
- 4Would you want to live with my parents, near them, or in a home of our own?
- 5What do you want to ask me that you have not yet?
With a girl you want to marry, before you propose
- 1What would being married give us that being together does not already?
- 2How sure are you about me, and what would you still want to see before you decided?
- 3What have we not been through together yet that you would want us to before a wedding: sharing a home, a hard year, a long trip?
- 4Which argument do we keep having, and what would it take to settle it before a wedding?
- 5What about the way we live now would you want to change once we are married, and what should stay exactly as it is?
One evening on money
- 1Was money tight, comfortable or never talked about in your house when you were growing up?
- 2Are you a saver or a spender, and what do you spend on without guilt?
- 3Would you want a joint account, separate accounts or both, and who would look after the bills?
- 4How much debt do we each have, and what is the plan for it?
- 5What would feel like financial security to you: a figure in savings, a house, no debt?
One evening on children
- 1Do you want children, and if so, how many and when would you want to start?
- 2What if one of us changed our mind about children after we were married?
- 3If we have children, which of us would cut back at work, and for how long?
- 4How much of a hand should our parents have in raising our children?
- 5What language would we speak at home, and what kind of school would you want for children?
One evening on families and holidays
- 1How often would you want to see your own family once we are married?
- 2Whose family would we spend the big festivals and holidays with, and how would we decide each year?
- 3When you and my family disagree, what would you want me to do?
- 4Which decisions are ours alone, and which would you want to take to our parents first?