Questions to Ask a Matchmaker
Questions to ask a matchmaker, for a single person weighing a professional service and for a client who has just been sent a name. The first four groups belong to the consultation, before anything is signed: who is in the pool and how they were vetted, how matches get chosen, what results the service can show, and the fee and the contract. The fifth is what to ask a matchmaker about her, or about him, when a specific person is proposed, and the last covers feedback after dates, pauses, and what happens if the introductions stall.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The pool
Who would I actually be introduced to: your paying clients, or people in a wider database?
Why ask it
Plenty of services run two groups: clients who pay to be matched, and a larger list of people who joined free and agreed to be contacted. Either can produce a good date, but the two are not equally invested. Ask what share of last year's introductions came from each group.
How many people in your pool right now fit my age range, my area and what I am looking for?
Why ask it
Ask for a rough count as of today, because the size of the whole database tells you nothing. A firm with thousands of names can have a dozen who fit you and live within reach. If she will not estimate, ask how many introductions she arranged last year for a client like you.
Do you meet everyone in person or on video before you introduce them?
Why ask it
An interview is how a matchmaker knows that the photos are current and how someone comes across in a room, and a form cannot tell her either. If only paying clients are interviewed, ask whether you will be told which kind of member each match is.
What do you verify about the people in your pool, and what do you take on their word?
Why ask it
Identity, age, marital status, job and criminal record are separate checks, and what a private business may look up differs by country and state. Have her go down the list and say which ones she runs and how. Whatever is left is self-reported, and it is better to know that going in.
Where do the people in your pool come from, and do you search outside it for a particular client?
Why ask it
The sources tell you who you will meet: referrals from past clients, events, a sign-up form, or approaches to strangers on apps and social media. Scouting for you alone is a real service. Someone found that way last week may have had one phone call with her, so ask when she meets them.
Has anyone ever been removed from your pool, and what for?
Why ask it
A believable answer comes with an example: someone who turned out to be still married, who was rude to a date, or who would not take no. 'It has never come up' from a service that has run for years suggests that complaints do not reach her, or that nothing is done with them.
What is the balance in your pool between people like me and the people I hope to meet?
Why ask it
Pools are often lopsided at particular ages, and whoever is in shorter supply gets more introductions and more choice. Ask which side of that you would be on. If you are looking for a same-sex partner, ask how many such clients she is working with this year, which says more than 'everyone is welcome'.
Who do you turn away as a client, and why?
Why ask it
A matchmaker who accepts everyone who can pay is selling access to a list. Reasons such as 'I had nobody for her within fifty miles' or 'he was three weeks out of a marriage' show someone judging whether she can help. Then ask whether anything about you gave her pause.
Matching
How do you decide that two people should meet?
Why ask it
You are listening for what she weighs first: the preferences each person stated, shared values, or her own read after meeting both. Have her talk through one recent introduction from start to finish with the names left out. A method she can describe is one she can adjust when it misses.
Would I work with you personally, or with someone else once I sign?
Why ask it
At larger firms the person who sells the membership is not always the one who chooses the matches. Ask to speak to the matchmaker who would hold your file before you pay, and find out how many clients she carries at once.
What will you ask me before you start matching, and how long does that take?
Why ask it
A real intake gets into past relationships, family, faith, money and what an ordinary Tuesday looks like, and that takes a long conversation, sometimes two. Twenty minutes and a checklist produces matching by age, height and zip code, which an app does for free.
Which of my preferences will you treat as firm, and which will you push me on?
Why ask it
Go in knowing the two or three you will not move on, such as children, faith or where you live. Stretching an age range or a height requirement is part of what a matchmaker does, and often the useful part. It should happen with your agreement, so settle now what is hers to bend.
Will I see a photo and a profile before I agree to meet, and does the other person see mine?
Why ask it
Some services show everything, and some give a first name and a description, on the theory that people rule each other out on a photo in two seconds. Whichever it is, check that each side gets the same amount and that you can live with it.
Does the other person agree to the introduction before I hear about them?
Why ask it
The order matters more than it sounds. Being shown a profile, getting interested and then hearing they declined is a small rejection the service could have spared you. Ask who is approached first and whether you are told when someone says no to meeting you.
How many introductions should I expect, and how far apart?
Why ask it
Get a number and a rhythm: one a month, two at once, or whenever a fit appears. Compare that with the length of the membership, since six introductions in a twelve-month term means long gaps. Ask what the longest wait has been for a client like you.
What do you do when there is nobody suitable for me for a while?
Why ask it
It happens to every matchmaker, so the answer to distrust is that it never does. Find out whether she tells you, whether the clock on your term keeps running, and whether she would send a near miss to keep the count up. A quiet month beats an evening with someone she knew was wrong.
Who sets up the first date: you, or the two of us?
Why ask it
Some matchmakers book the table and share no phone numbers until both people ask for them, and others pass on a number and step back. If she arranges it, ask how a change of plan on the day reaches the other person. If the two of you do, ask when your contact details are handed over.
How do you check that the people you introduce want the same kind of future I do?
Why ask it
A pleasant evening goes nowhere when one person wants marriage within two years and the other wants company. Ask how recently she put the question to each person, because an answer on a form from three years ago may be out of date. Give her your own answer plainly, including 'not sure'.
Track record
How do you define a success, and what are your numbers by that definition?
Why ask it
The word can mean a marriage, six months together, a second date or a client who renewed. Have her define it first and quote the figure second, then ask how many clients and which years it covers. A percentage with no definition behind it is an advertisement.
Of the clients you took on last year, roughly how many are now with someone you introduced?
Why ask it
This narrows the question to people she can count on her fingers. It also separates couples she put together from clients who met someone on their own while they were members. An estimate offered without fuss is more useful than a polished figure from the brochure.
How long have you been matchmaking, and what did you do before?
Why ask it
Count the years she has matched paying clients, which is not the same as a knack for setting up friends. Her earlier work often shows in the method: someone from recruiting may lean on searching, someone from counseling on coaching. A certificate from a matchmaking course says little by itself, so ask what earning it involved.
How long do clients like me usually stay before they meet someone or stop?
Why ask it
You want both ends of the range, and what the people at the short end had in common. Then hold the answer against the term she is selling. If the typical client takes a year and a half and the package runs six months, a renewal is part of the real price.
Can I speak to a past client, including one it did not work out for?
Why ask it
People keep their use of a matchmaker private, so she may need to ask permission first, and that is fair. The second half is the telling part. A former client who left single and still speaks well of her is describing how she treats people when there is no happy ending to point to.
When clients leave without meeting anyone, what is usually the reason?
Why ask it
Listen for a spread: the pool was thin for that person, they would not move on a preference, they ran out of patience, the matches missed. If every reason she gives is the client's doing, expect to be described the same way if it does not work for you.
What would make me hard to match, and what would you ask me to reconsider?
Why ask it
Save this for late in the consultation, once she knows something about you. A frank reply about your radius, your age range or your timeline previews how she will talk to you after a date that went badly. If she says you will be easy, remember that she is also selling.
Do you promise any result, and what are the conditions?
Why ask it
Nobody can promise that two strangers will want each other. What a service can commit to is its own work: a minimum number of introductions, a time frame, how quickly it replies. Where a promise is made, read what you must do to keep it alive, such as accepting every introduction offered.
Fees and terms
What is the total cost, and what exactly does it buy?
Why ask it
Start with one figure for the whole term, then the list behind it: how many introductions, over how many months, with what else included. Prices in this business vary enormously from one service to the next. Dividing the fee by the introductions you are owed gives you a number to compare.
Is the fee paid up front, in installments, or partly when I meet someone?
Why ask it
Each arrangement pulls differently. Paid in full on day one, she has her money whatever happens next. A success fee ties part of it to the outcome, so ask what triggers it (a relationship, an engagement, a wedding) and for how long after you leave it still applies.
Do you offer coaching, styling or new photos, and is any of it required?
Why ask it
These extras can help, or they can be the place where the bill grows. Three things to pin down: whether they are inside the fee, whether an outside photographer or stylist pays her for the referral, and whether saying no changes how hard she works on your matches.
What counts as an introduction under the contract?
Why ask it
It could be a profile sent to you, a yes from both sides, a phone call, or a date that both people attended. Have the word defined in writing, because it decides when you have had what you paid for. Ask whether a date who cancels, or who misled the service about something basic, is replaced.
How long does the membership run, and what happens to introductions I have not had when it ends?
Why ask it
A term counted in months can run out with half your introductions unused, and one counted in introductions can stretch on for years. Find out which of the two governs. If unused introductions lapse, ask for an extension clause to be written in before you sign.
Can I cancel, and what would I get back?
Why ask it
Have her explain the clause in her own words, then read it yourself. Some countries and states give consumers a set period to back out of a dating-service contract and others do not, so ask how it works where you live and check with a consumer agency or a lawyer. Whatever she tells you about refunds, ask to be shown the line in the contract.
What happens to my membership and my fee if I meet someone, through you or on my own?
Why ask it
This is the outcome you are paying for, and contracts treat it in different ways. Some freeze the membership so you can come back, some treat it as finished, and some charge a success fee even when you met the person at a friend's wedding. Settle it while it is still hypothetical.
Can I keep using dating apps, or another matchmaker, while I am your client?
Why ask it
A few contracts ask for exclusivity, and a few matchmakers simply prefer it. If she wants to hear about your other dates, ask what she does with the information. Timing is a fair reason: she would not send a new introduction the week you decided to see one person only.
What happens to my photos and personal details, and who gets to see them?
Why ask it
An intake file can hold your income, your relationship history and details about your family. Ask who in the firm reads it, whether profiles go to partner agencies or other matchmakers, and how you get everything deleted when you leave. Privacy rules differ from place to place, so ask which ones she follows.
A proposed match
Why did you choose this person for me in particular?
Why ask it
Ask it every time a name arrives, before you look at the photo if you can. A real answer quotes something you said at intake and sets it beside something specific about them. 'You both love travel and have busy careers' is a filter and not a reason, so ask for one more.
Have you met them yourself, and when did you last speak?
Why ask it
This tells you whether the description is firsthand. Someone interviewed three years ago may have changed jobs, cities or plans since. If the matchmaker is working from a colleague's notes or a database entry, treat the glowing adjectives as secondhand.
What are they like in person that the profile does not show?
Why ask it
Height, job and age are on the page already. What a matchmaker can add is manner (shy for the first ten minutes, a talker, dry, earnest) and how the person looks next to the photos, so ask what year those were taken. Knowing that someone warms up slowly can save a first date you would otherwise have written off.
What are they looking for, and how soon?
Why ask it
Press for their own words: marriage in the next couple of years, a slow start, children or none. If the matchmaker does not know, ask for it to be found out before you meet. One phone call on the matchmaker's side saves the two of you three dates spent discovering it.
What have you told them about me?
Why ask it
You walk into the date carrying whatever the matchmaker said. Find out what was shared, from your photo and job to a divorce or children, so nothing they already know surprises you. This is also the time to name anything you would rather tell them yourself.
Have they been married before, and do they have children?
Why ask it
Some services put this on every profile, and at others it only comes out if you ask. Two details matter beyond a yes or no: whether a divorce is final, and how old the children are and where they live during the week. If any of it rules the person out for you, say so before the date and not during it.
What do you see as the likely sticking point between us?
Why ask it
Nearly every match has one: an hour's drive, nine years in age, different levels of religious observance, a job with night shifts. A matchmaker who names it before you meet is being straight with you, and you can decide whether to raise it early. 'Nothing, you are perfect for each other' means nobody has thought about it yet.
How have their earlier introductions gone, as far as you can say?
Why ask it
Expect an outline only, since the matchmaker owes them discretion. How many there were, and whether people wanted to see them again, is enough. Notice how the line between useful and gossip gets handled, because the same question will be asked about you.
Where do they live, and would one of us have to move if this went well?
Why ask it
Matchmakers with a thin local pool often introduce across cities. Two hours on the road is nothing for a first date and a real question by the sixth. Ask whether they have said they would relocate, and tell the matchmaker truthfully whether you would.
Are they meeting other people through you at the moment?
Why ask it
Some services introduce one person at a time and wait for both answers before the next. Others run several side by side. Knowing which changes how you read a slow reply after a good evening, and it tells you what is expected of you in return.
Is there anything about their faith, family or schedule I should know before we meet?
Why ask it
Think of the things a week is built around: how observant they are, what they eat and drink, a parent they look after, a job that takes every other weekend. The point is to pick a day and a place that suit them and to avoid a clumsy first ten minutes. Where families are part of the match, this is also the moment to ask about hers or his.
If I turn this introduction down, does it count toward my total, and will you tell them why?
Why ask it
Declining a profile should cost you nothing, but contracts differ, so check yours. Give a specific reason either way: 'too far away' or 'wants children sooner than I do' sharpens the next match in a way that 'not my type' cannot. Then find out how much of your reason is passed on, and in whose words.
Feedback and pauses
After a date, what do you ask each of us, and what gets passed on?
Why ask it
The debrief is what an app cannot give you: a third person who hears both accounts of the same evening. Ask whether she calls or sends a form, and how soon. Agree that she will soften your wording before it reaches the other person, and that she will not soften theirs too much for you.
Will you tell me honestly why someone did not want a second date?
Why ask it
Say at the start that you want the real reason and how blunt she can be. One person's opinion is one person's opinion. The same remark from three different dates (talked about an ex, checked a phone, asked no questions back) is the kind of thing friends never mention.
If one of us wants a second date and the other does not, who tells whom?
Why ask it
Letting the matchmaker carry a no spares you both an awkward text, and it is one of the plain practical reasons to hire one. Check whether you are expected to hold off contacting each other until both of you have reported back, and how long that normally takes.
How will what I say after each date change the next match?
Why ask it
An example from another client is the test: what the feedback was and what she did differently afterward. If the fourth profile looks like the first three whatever you said, the debrief is a courtesy. A matchmaker who is listening can tell you what she now knows about you that the intake missed.
Can I put my membership on hold if I start seeing someone, travel or need a break?
Why ask it
Pin down how long a hold can last, how many you get, and whether the term is extended by the same number of weeks. Ask also about the common case: you pause for someone she introduced and it ends after four months. You should be able to pick up where you stopped.
How often will I hear from you when there is no match to discuss?
Why ask it
A silent month is easier to take when you were told to expect it. Settle on a rhythm, such as a short message every two or three weeks, and the best way to reach her in between. If the answer is 'when I have someone', say you would still like a line in the quiet weeks and see whether she agrees.
What do I do if a date makes me uncomfortable, or someone turns out to have lied?
Why ask it
Find out who you call, how quickly she answers and what happens to that person's place in the pool. Her screening is one layer and not the whole of it. Meet in a public place, arrange your own way home and tell a friend where you are, exactly as you would with a stranger from an app.
What do you need from me for this to work?
Why ask it
The usual list is quick replies, candid feedback, a second date when you are on the fence, and not ruling people out on one photo. It is worth hearing because every item is in your hands. Follow up by asking what clients do that makes her job harder.
If I feel after a few introductions that this is not working, what happens?
Why ask it
Build a review into the arrangement from the start, for instance after the third introduction, where you go through who was sent and why. Ask whether she has ever advised a client to stop and returned part of the fee. Even if the answer is no, the way she takes the question shows how she sees the contract.
Getting straight answers from a matchmaker
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
At the consultation
It is a sales meeting as well
The first meeting is often free, and it is also where the membership gets sold. That does not make what you hear untrue. It does mean you should bring the questions on paper, ask the ones about numbers out loud, and note afterward which got a figure and which got a story.
Pool first, price second
A fee cannot be judged until you know how many people in the pool fit you today and how they got there. Start with the first group on this page and leave cost until you have those answers. If the pool is thin for someone like you, the price is beside the point.
Put the same questions to more than one service
Ask two or three matchmakers the same ten questions and the differences show up fast: who interviews everyone, who defines an introduction in writing, who will give a rough count. It also takes the pressure off any single meeting, because you are comparing and not deciding.
Read the contract somewhere else
Ask for it by email and read it at home. Four clauses matter most: what counts as an introduction, how long the term runs, when you may pause, and what comes back if you cancel. Rules on dating-service contracts and cancellation rights vary by country and state, so look up what applies where you live, and for a large fee consider paying a lawyer to read it.
A note on 'she'
The notes call the matchmaker 'she' to keep the sentences short. Everything here applies the same way to a man, a team or a large agency.
When a name comes through
What to ask a matchmaker about her, or about him
The fifth group is worded so it fits whoever is being suggested. Three questions carry most of the weight: why this person for you, whether the matchmaker has met them, and what they are looking for. If those three come back thin, more detail about hobbies will not rescue the match.
Hear the reasoning before the photo
Where the service allows it, ask for the description first. A photo settles the matter in a couple of seconds, and after that you listen to everything else for confirmation. A reason heard first gets a fairer hearing.
Leave something for the date
The matchmaker can give you the facts that decide whether to meet at all. What the person finds funny, how they talk about their work and what their divorce was like are theirs to tell. Turn the phone call into a background check and you arrive with nothing left to ask across the table.
Community and family matchmaking
Where a matchmaker works with families and marriage is the stated aim from the first meeting, questions about a proposed person usually go further before anyone meets: family, education, observance, health, and who can be called as a reference. Customs differ on what is proper to ask and whom to ask it of. Let the matchmaker tell you how it is done in that community, and do not assume either way.
Answer within a day or two
Someone on the other side is waiting to hear, and a matchmaker remembers who replies. A quick no with a reason is more useful to everyone than a slow maybe.
After each date
Report back while it is fresh
Call or write the same evening or the next morning. Details fade by the weekend, and what is left is a general impression she can do little with.
Give reasons she can act on
'No chemistry' tells a matchmaker nothing. 'He asked me nothing about myself', 'I liked how she talked about her sister' and 'the drive would wear me down' each change who you are sent next. Say what you liked as well as what you did not.
Ask what was said about you
It takes some nerve the first time. Ask for one thing the other person enjoyed and one thing that put them off, and resist arguing with either. You are after the pattern across several dates.
Stop and look after three
Three introductions is enough to see whether the matching is learning. Go back over why each person was chosen, what you reported, and what changed as a result. If nothing changed, say so before the fourth.
Pause instead of coasting
If you are tired, busy or half interested in someone you met elsewhere, tell her and put the membership on hold. Going on dates you do not want spends introductions you paid for and wastes an evening for a person who came in good faith.
Reasons to slow down
A price that is only good today
A discount that lapses when you leave the room is there to stop you comparing. A service confident in its pool can wait a week for your answer.
A success rate with no definition
If a percentage is quoted and she cannot say what counts as a success, how many clients it covers or which years, set the figure aside. Ask about last year's clients instead and see what she can tell you.
Vague answers about the pool
Not knowing an exact count is fine. Declining to say whether the people you would meet are clients or names on a list, or whether anyone has interviewed them, is a different thing.
A promise of a partner
A matchmaker controls who she introduces and how carefully. She does not control whether two people take to each other. Treat any promise of a relationship or a marriage as a reason to read the conditions line by line.
Pressure to keep saying yes
Feeling pushed to accept people who miss what you said was firm, so that the count goes up, is worth raising directly. A good matchmaker stretches your preferences by argument and stops when you say no.