Questions to Ask a Nigerian Man

The questions

Open any question to see why it works.

1. 1

   Which part of Nigeria are you from?

   Nigeria is not one culture, and the answer sets up most of what follows. Notice whether he names a state, a city, or a village, because people often distinguish where they grew up from where they are from.

2. 2

   What does your name mean?

   Yoruba and Igbo names in particular are often whole sentences: a circumstance at birth, a thanksgiving, a prayer. Almost nobody outside thinks to ask, and almost everybody enjoys being asked.

3. 3

   How many languages do you speak, counting pidgin?

   Adding pidgin is what makes the question fun, because people do not usually count it. You frequently discover he moves between three registers depending on who is on the phone.

4. 4

   Where do you stand on jollof?

   The argument with Ghana is a running joke he will have a position on, and it is a soft way into food, family cooking, and which relative is not allowed near the pot.

5. 5

   What did you eat growing up that you cannot get properly here?

   Homesickness usually lives in food. You will hear about a specific soup, a market, or someone who sends things over in a suitcase, and it is a warmer question than asking whether he misses home.

6. 6

   How big is your family when everybody actually turns up?

   The word family often stretches well past the household to cousins, aunties who are not aunties, and people from the same town. Worth knowing before you are invited to something.

7. 7

   What did your parents want you to become?

   Expect medicine, law, or engineering to appear somewhere in the story. The interesting part is the negotiation: whether he followed it, dodged it, or is still managing it in his thirties.

8. 8

   Who is the head of the family, and what does that mean day to day?

   Ask for the practical version: who gets consulted, who is told afterwards, who must be greeted first at a gathering. This is the map you will need if you ever meet them.

9. 9

   What music were you raised on, before Afrobeats travelled everywhere?

   Gets you past whatever is on the radio now and into highlife, gospel, juju, or whatever his father played in the car. It also tells you what he will put on at a party.

10. 10

    What do you make of Nollywood, honestly?

    Answers split between real affection, nostalgia for what his mother had on in the background, and mild embarrassment. Any of the three tells you something, and it is a light question to drop in when things get heavy.

11. 11

    How do people back home think about you being here?

    Emigration carries expectation as well as pride. The answer often opens onto obligation, comparison with siblings, and how often he is expected to visit.

12. 12

    Do you send money home, and how does that work?

    Common, rarely discussed with a partner in advance, and a real line in a monthly budget. Ask who receives it and whether the amount is fixed or whatever is needed that month.

13. 13

    Where do church or mosque fit into your week?

    Nigeria is split roughly along religious lines and observance ranges from twice a year to most days. Asking about the week rather than about belief gets you the version that will affect your Sundays.

14. 14

    What is expected of you as a man in your family?

    Providing, looking after younger siblings, being the one who handles things back home. These expectations are seldom explained to a partner and then quietly shape every decision about money and time.

15. 15

    Are you different with your family than you are with me?

    Most people who move between two cultures are, in volume, in language, and in how much they say out loud. Naming it now makes the first family gathering far less confusing.

16. 16

    How do people here get you wrong?

    Open enough that he chooses the ground: assumptions about his accent, about money, about being loud, about scams. Ask once, then let him say as much or as little as he wants.

17. 17

    If this became serious, how would introductions work?

    In many Nigerian families there is a sequence, and it is not the same as meeting the parents over dinner. Ask what the first step is and how much notice everybody expects.

18. 18

    What would you want your children to keep?

    Language, food, faith, the name. This is the practical version of asking how much his culture matters to him, and it produces a far more specific answer.

19. 19

    What do you miss that is not food or family?

    Ruling out the two easy answers gets you the real ones: the noise, the humor, being unremarkable, the way strangers talk to each other.

20. 20

    What would you want me to understand before you have to explain it again?

    Hands him the floor instead of making him wait for you to ask the right thing. Whatever he names is worth remembering, because that offer only really works once.