Questions to Ask a Pastor's Wife
Questions to ask a pastor's wife, for a women's ministry leader hosting a Q and A, a younger woman about to marry into ministry, a church member who wants to know her, or a search committee meeting a candidate's family. They follow the order a good conversation takes: her own story, her faith and calling, what a congregation expects of her, marriage and family in public view, friendship and loneliness, and how a church can support her. Each one has a note on what her answer may tell you, what to ask next and when to let it go.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Her story
How did you and your husband meet, and was ministry already part of the picture?
Why ask it
An easy opener at a Q and A, and it sorts everything that follows. A woman who married a seminary student knew roughly what she was choosing. One whose husband was called ten years into the marriage had it arrive, and her later answers deserve to be heard that way.
What do you like to be called, and how do you feel about the title "pastor's wife"?
Why ask it
Some women wear it gladly, some churches say first lady, and some would much sooner hear their own name. Settle it early and use what she says for the rest of the evening, including when you introduce her.
How did you come to faith yourself?
Why ask it
Her faith is often assumed and seldom asked about, so ask it the way you would ask anyone. A story with her own dates, people and doubts in it is a good sign. If she tells mostly her husband's, try once more with "And for you?"
What is the best part of this life that people on the outside would not guess?
Why ask it
Being let into a family's hospital room, or watching a teenager she taught get baptized, is the kind of thing you may hear. Ask it before the hard question that follows, which lands better once she has said something glad.
What is the hardest part of being a pastor's wife?
Why ask it
The standard question, and best asked plainly with no cushioning. Sharing her husband with everyone, hearing him criticized and having few people to confide in are the usual candidates. Whichever she picks tells you where to spend the rest of your time: on expectations, on home or on friendship.
What did you picture life as a pastor's wife would be, and how close was the picture?
Why ask it
Often it starts with a laugh. Listen for the gap she names, because the gap is usually the thing she wishes someone had told her, and a younger woman marrying into ministry should write it down.
What would people at church be surprised to learn about you?
Why ask it
A light one for the middle of a Q and A, and she chooses what to show: the motorcycle license, the chemistry degree, the fact that she cannot stand potlucks. Bring it up the next time you see her, so the surprise becomes something the two of you talk about.
What do you do during the week, and what did you do before you came to this church?
Why ask it
She may be a nurse, a teacher, a mother at home or on the church staff herself. Stay with what she says for a minute before returning to church matters, which tells her the room is interested in her and not only in the pastor's household.
How many churches have you been part of as the pastor's wife, and how was each one different for you?
Why ask it
A church of sixty and a church of six hundred ask very different things of the same woman. Her comparison shows which setting let her be herself. A committee meeting a candidate's family can hold that answer up against its own size and habits.
Who was the first pastor's wife you watched closely, and what did you take or leave from her?
Why ask it
Often there is a model, admired or cautionary, and "I decided I would never do it the way she did" is as useful as admiration. For someone about to marry a pastor, the follow-up is whether that older woman can still be called.
Faith and calling
Do you feel called to this yourself, or is it more that you are married to someone who is?
Why ask it
Both are honest answers and neither is the wrong one. Trouble sounds like a woman who has never been allowed to say the second out loud. In a public Q and A, tell the room beforehand that either answer is welcome.
How do you keep your own walk with God going when church is also your husband's workplace?
Why ask it
Concrete beats pious here: a chair, an hour, a book, a friend she prays with. "I get fed on Sundays like everyone else" is worth a soft follow-up, because a pastor's wife may spend Sunday morning in the nursery or greeting at the door.
What is it like to hear a sermon from someone you ate breakfast with?
Why ask it
Usually funny first and honest second. She may know the illustration is about her before the room does, or know what kind of week produced the sermon. Ask whether she ever gets to worship somewhere as an ordinary visitor.
When you need a pastor, who do you go to?
Why ask it
It is hard to bring a struggle to your own husband as your minister, and harder when the struggle is with the church. Someone outside the congregation, named without a pause, is the reassuring reply. "Nobody, really" is something a church should hear and act on.
What does a day of rest look like for you when Sunday is the busiest day in your house?
Why ask it
The day the rest of the church slows down is the day her household works, so you may hear Monday, Friday or "we do not really have one." If it is the last, do not prescribe a day. Ask what gets in the way, which is often something a church could move.
Has there been a season when your faith ran dry, and what helped?
Why ask it
Let her choose how much to tell, and do not press for the cause in front of a group. What helped is the part others can use: often a person outside the church, time away, or permission to sit in the back row for a while.
What are you good at that suits this life, and what do people assume you can do that you cannot?
Why ask it
The piano, the women's Bible study and the open house all get assumed. A woman who can say "I teach well and I cannot host forty people" knows herself. A church should hear the second half as information, not as a confession.
What passage of Scripture have you leaned on most in ministry life?
Why ask it
Ask for the story attached to it, since the year she needed the verse says more than the reference does. At a women's event you can read the passage aloud after she answers and let that close this part of the evening.
How do you know when you are serving gladly and when you are serving because people are watching?
Why ask it
She will likely recognize this one before you finish asking it. The part worth hearing is a time she got it wrong and what tipped her off. If she says she has never felt the difference, move on: this may not be the room to say so in.
Expectations
What do you wish church members understood about being a pastor's wife?
Why ask it
If there is time for only one question about expectations, make it this one. It is often something small: that she hears the sermon for the first time on Sunday too, or that she had no say in the new carpet. Say her answer back in a sentence so the room hears it twice.
What does a congregation expect of a pastor's wife that nobody ever says out loud?
Why ask it
The unspoken list is the real one: attend everything, lead the women, never look tired. Ask which item she stopped doing and what happened next. Members listening should check the list against their own assumptions.
Which roles in the church have you taken on because you wanted them, and which came with the marriage?
Why ask it
Listen for whether she can tell the two apart. Several of the first kind and a short list of the second describe a church that let her choose. When everything she does was inherited, the church has a volunteer who never volunteered.
How do you say no to a request at church without it turning into a statement about your husband?
Why ask it
The woman about to marry a pastor needs the exact words, so ask for them. The ones that work are short and warm and come with no long excuse. If she has never managed a no, that deserves sympathy before advice.
What do you do when someone hands you a complaint meant for the pastor?
Why ask it
It happens in the foyer, in the grocery store and by text. A wife who has this settled sends the person back to him or to the elders and declines to carry the message. Members can take the hint: she is not the suggestion box.
How much of what goes on in the church do you want to know?
Why ask it
Couples settle this differently. Some wives want to hear nothing confidential so they can greet everyone freely, and others share more of the weight. What matters is that the two of them chose it, so a church should stop assuming she knows.
How do you handle criticism of your husband that you hear or read?
Why ask it
It can sting more than criticism of herself, because she is in no position to reply to it. Ask where the anger goes, and hope it is somewhere other than the congregation. If the wound is plainly fresh, thank her and do not ask who said what.
Have you felt judged on things like your clothes, your house or how often you are at church?
Why ask it
Best asked by another woman, and lightly. The examples are often small and oddly specific, and the room usually laughs in recognition. The members are the ones who should be listening, since each example is something somebody really said to her.
How have churches reacted to your having a job, or to your not having one?
Why ask it
Every choice draws comment somewhere: the job outside, the church role, the years at home. The good sign is a church that asked what she does and showed interest in it. Whether a church pays a pastor's wife for work she does there is set by its own policies and denomination, so ask how it works where you are.
Before your husband accepts a call, what would you want the new church to understand about you?
Why ask it
This is the question for a committee meeting a candidate's family, and it should be offered, never required: she is not the one being considered. Whether a spouse belongs in your process at all depends on your church and denomination, so check how it works there first. Then adjust your expectations to her answer before the vote.
Marriage and family
How do you and your husband protect time that belongs to the two of you?
Why ask it
Look for a rule with teeth: a fixed day off, a phone left in another room, an evening the elders know not to book. "We try" usually means the church wins. Follow up with what the congregation could do to make the day off real.
What happens in your house when the phone rings during dinner or on vacation?
Why ask it
Some couples have a covering elder or a second number, and some have nothing. Real emergencies will always come, so the thing to worry about is a house where every call is treated as one.
What is Sunday morning like for you, from waking up to lunch?
Why ask it
She may get the children dressed and seated alone, then stay to the end while her husband talks at the door. Members who hear the answer can do something this very week: save a seat, hold a baby, bring her a coffee.
How do you make room for your children to be ordinary kids and not the pastor's kids?
Why ask it
Some mothers tell the children plainly that they are not on staff, and tell the adults the same. Do not ask about one child's behavior or faith in public. If her children are grown, ask what she would do differently.
How do you talk about church at home without it taking over the house?
Why ask it
Some couples keep a rule, such as no church talk after nine or on the drive home. That any rule exists is the good sign. A newly married couple can borrow hers and adjust it within the first year.
When your husband comes home carrying something he cannot tell you about, how do the two of you handle it?
Why ask it
What you hope to hear is something like "I can tell it was heavy, and I do not ask what." Notice how she helps without the details: a walk, a quiet evening, a call to someone he trusts. It also reassures members that what they told the pastor stayed with him.
How has living on a ministry income, or in a house the church owns, shaped your family's decisions?
Why ask it
Ask only where there is trust, and never in front of the people who set the salary unless she agreed to it beforehand. Pay, housing and benefits differ widely by church and denomination, so treat her answer as one household's and ask how your own church arranges it.
What do you do when you disagree with a decision your husband made as pastor?
Why ask it
Expect to hear that it happens, and that it gets said at home and not in the lobby. Be wary of a tidy "we never disagree", and do not ask for an example in a room full of church members.
What has ministry given your marriage that you might not have had otherwise?
Why ask it
It balances the harder questions about home and belongs after them. A shared purpose and praying together come up often. If she struggles to find anything, leave the silence alone and move kindly on.
Friendship
Is it possible to have close friends inside the church you serve, and how have you gone about it?
Why ask it
Pastors' wives disagree on this, and some were warned against it outright. If she has managed it, ask how: going slowly, and choosing people who do not need her to be impressive, are the sort of thing she may describe. Then ask what a member once did that made friendship feel safe.
When has this life felt loneliest?
Why ask it
First years in a new town, holidays far from family and a pew with nobody beside her are all things you may hear. Do not hurry to fix it or to tell her how loved she is. Let the answer stand, then ask what helped.
Who can you be completely honest with about a bad week?
Why ask it
You are not asking for a name, only whether the person exists. A college friend, a sister or another pastor's wife in a different town all count. If nobody comes to mind, that is the most important thing she has said, and worth returning to in private.
Has a friendship in a church ever gone wrong, and what did it teach you?
Why ask it
A friend who left the church angry, or who repeated a confidence, leaves a mark that explains later caution. Let her tell it without names. The lesson worth hearing is one that kept her open to people instead of closed for good.
Do you know other pastors' wives, and what do you talk about when the church is not listening?
Why ask it
She may say these are the only people who understand without an explanation. If she has no such circle, a denominational office or a local ministers' fellowship may run one, so suggest she ask what exists in her area.
Where do you go, or what do you do, that has nothing to do with church?
Why ask it
A running group, a pottery class, a job, a sister two states away. The answer shows whether she has a life with its own edges. If there is nothing, a friend can offer an invitation with no ministry in it at all.
How do you tell when someone wants to know you and when they want a line to the pastor?
Why ask it
She has usually learned the signs: the friendship that cools after a decision, the coffee that turns into a request. Members can take the point without offense. The friends she counts as real tend to be the ones who never asked about church business.
What is it like to leave a church and the friends in it when your husband takes another call?
Why ask it
Some traditions ask a departing pastor's family to step back from the old congregation, which can mean losing a whole community at once. Ask how her last church said goodbye. If you are the church she is leaving, ask your denomination what its custom is before you plan the farewell.
Support
What is the kindest thing a congregation has done for you, as distinct from your husband?
Why ask it
What she names is likely to be small and long remembered: a birthday noticed, a meal on moving day, someone who asked about her work. Take notes. A church will not be handed a cheaper list of ideas.
What is one thing this church could do this year that would make your life easier?
Why ask it
"How can we support you?" tends to get "Oh, we are fine." One thing, with a year on it, is harder to wave away. Ask only if someone present is able to do it, and tell her afterwards who has taken it on.
What well-meant thing do church members do that makes your life harder?
Why ask it
Ask with a smile and promise that nobody will be named. Dropping by unannounced, remarks about the children and "tell the pastor for me" are the sort of thing to expect. Leaders in the room should carry whatever she lists back to their teams.
How can we pray for you this month, specifically?
Why ask it
The word "specifically" does the work. Without it the answer is "for the church." If you ask this at an event, stop and pray right then, because a promise to pray later is the one she has heard most.
When you are sick, worn out or grieving, who looks after your family?
Why ask it
The household that organizes the meals can easily be missing from the meal list. Particular people, or a deacon who thinks of these things, mean someone has planned for it. If she pauses, the church has found a job for its care team.
If a church wanted to look after its pastor's marriage, what would actually help?
Why ask it
Expect plain things: a guarded day off, real vacation, child care for a night out, a retreat paid for. What a church can offer depends on its budget and its rules, so take her list to whoever sets them and ask how it could work there.
What would you tell a younger woman who is about to marry a pastor?
Why ask it
Save it for late in the conversation, when she has warmed up and remembered things. The best advice is usually one sentence and one warning. If the younger woman is in the room, let her ask it herself.
What do you hope people will remember about you, apart from your husband's ministry?
Why ask it
It turns the conversation from the role to the person. Answers tend to be modest: that she was kind, that she knew people's names. Whatever she says is something a member could tell her now and not at the farewell.
What have we not asked that you would like to say?
Why ask it
Leave a real pause after it. A woman used to speaking second often has one thing she came ready to say and was never asked. Thank her for it and end there, with no further question of your own.
How to ask a pastor's wife well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Match the questions to the setting
A women's ministry Q and A
Send her the questions a week ahead and let her strike any she likes, with no reason asked. Eight to ten questions are plenty for forty-five minutes. If the audience will ask their own, collect them on cards and have the host read them, so nobody uses the microphone to raise something about the pastor or a church decision.
A younger woman marrying into ministry
Meet one to one and somewhere that is not the church building. Spend most of the time on Expectations and Marriage and family, and ask for her actual words and house rules, because those are what you will borrow. Ask whether you may come back in six months with the questions you did not know to ask yet.
A church member getting to know her
Pick three or four from Her story and one from Friendship, over coffee and not in the foyer after the service. Leave church business out entirely. The point is that she spends an hour with someone who wants nothing passed on to her husband.
A search committee meeting a candidate's family
She is not the candidate, and nothing she says should be scored. Whether a spouse is met at all, and what may be asked, is set by your church, your denomination and the rules where you are, so ask how it works there before you invite her. Make it a welcome and not an interview: a meal, a few questions she is free to pass on, and plenty of time for her to question you about schools, housing and what the last pastor's wife was expected to do.
Working through the list
Begin with her and not the role
The first group is about how she got here: meeting her husband, her own faith, her work, the best and the hardest of it. Two or three of those tell her that the person is who you came to hear. Start with what the congregation expects and she will answer as the pastor's wife for the rest of the hour.
Earn the harder groups
Marriage and family and Friendship ask for more than the others. In a public setting choose two from each and take the gentlest first. In private you can go further, but watch her face and offer a way out: "skip that one if you like" costs nothing.
Finish on support
The last group turns what you have heard into something to do. Ask at least the prayer question and the one about a single thing the church could do this year, and end with the open question so that the last word is hers.
What to leave alone
Her husband's decisions
Do not ask her to explain, defend or forecast anything he has done as pastor: the staff change, the building vote, why a family left. She either does not know or cannot say, and both answers cost her something. Those questions go to him or to the elders.
Her children by name
Ask about raising children in a pastor's home, never about one child's faith, grades or behavior. The children did not agree to the Q and A, and whatever is said about them in a church room will reach them.
Money in front of the congregation
Salary, housing and whether she is paid for church work are fair topics in private or with the people responsible for them. In a room of members they put her in the position of seeming either ungrateful or dishonest.
When an answer is heavier than expected
If she says something that sounds like real distress, do not counsel her from the front of the room. Thank her, move to a lighter question, and follow up privately that week. A friend's part is to listen and to encourage her toward someone she trusts outside the congregation, not to diagnose what is wrong.
After the conversation
Do one thing she named
If she said Sunday mornings are hard, arrange the saved seat. If she said nobody asks about her work, ask next week. One small request acted on within the month tells her the questions were meant.
Keep what she said
An answer given to a room of women is not material for the church lobby, and an answer given over coffee belongs to the two of you. If you want to pass something on to the elders or the care team, ask her first and use her wording.
Ask again
Her answers change with the church's seasons, her children's ages and her own work. The prayer question and the one about a bad week are worth repeating every few months, by the same person, with no event attached.