Questions to Ask a Pregnant Woman
Questions to ask a pregnant woman when you want to show real interest without prying, written for friends, relatives, coworkers and partners. They run from a simple check-in through getting ready, names and hopes, and offers of help, then to two groups for the people closest to her: close friends and family, and her partner. Each has a note on what a good or a worrying answer sounds like and what to do with it, and the guide covers what suits each trimester and what not to ask.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Checking in
How are you doing today: the real answer, not the polite one?
Why ask it
By the tenth 'how are you feeling' of the week she answers 'fine' on autopilot. Asking for the real version lets her say tired, queasy or fed up, and your only job then is to listen without offering a cure.
How far along are you now?
Why ask it
Ask only after she has told you she is pregnant, never as a guess. Weeks or months both count as an answer, and it tells you what to ask next: at eight weeks she may still be keeping it quiet, at thirty-eight she is tired of hearing 'not yet?'.
How are you feeling about it all: excited, nervous, or some of each?
Why ask it
Most people offer her only 'excited', so naming nervous as a fair answer is a small kindness. Mixed feelings are ordinary. If she has sounded low or frightened for weeks, ask gently whether she has mentioned it to her doctor or midwife.
Any cravings yet, or foods you suddenly can't stand?
Why ask it
Food is the easiest pregnancy subject there is, and the aversions often make the better story: the coffee she loved that now turns her stomach. Remember the answer before you cook for her or pick a restaurant, and leave out any theory about what a craving says about the baby.
Are you getting any sleep, or is that already a sore subject?
Why ask it
The joke lets her laugh it off if she wants to. When sleep really is bad, sympathy is the whole reply. Leave out 'sleep now while you can', which she has heard from everyone and cannot act on.
How did you tell your family, and who took it best?
Why ask it
She has probably told this one a few times and still likes it: the grandparent who cried, the sister who had guessed weeks before. Ask about the telling and not about the finding out, which edges toward whether it was planned. If someone took the news badly, say that sounds hard and don't make excuses for them.
What has been the nicest moment so far?
Why ask it
Usually it is an ultrasound, a first kick or the day she told someone she loves. If nothing comes to mind because the months have been hard, say it sounds rough and stop there instead of hunting for a bright side.
Is the baby moving much yet, and what time of day is it liveliest?
Why ask it
Save this for the middle months onward, once she has mentioned feeling movement. Enjoy the description and keep your hands to yourself unless she invites you. If she sounds uneasy about the movement, that is a call to her provider, not something for you to reassure away.
What did nobody warn you about?
Why ask it
Expect a laugh and something specific: how tired the first weeks were, the opinions of strangers, how long nine months turns out to be. For once she is the expert in the conversation and not the one receiving advice.
Do you like talking about the pregnancy, or would any other subject be a treat?
Why ask it
Some women love the topic and others feel they have turned into a bump with a person attached. If she picks any other subject, believe her: ask about her work, the show she is watching, the trip she took last year.
How has work been treating you through all this?
Why ask it
The coworker's version of a check-in, and kinder than asking for her last day. 'They've been flexible' is the answer you hope for. If she describes being left off projects or talked over since the news, believe it, and back her up in the room where it happens.
Getting ready
When is the baby due, give or take?
Why ask it
A month or a season is all you need, and 'give or take' shows you know babies ignore the calendar. Note it down, then resist texting 'any news?' every day once the date gets close.
Are you finding out whether it's a boy or a girl, or waiting for the surprise?
Why ask it
You are asking about her plan and not for the result, which leaves her free to keep it private. Whatever she says, don't answer with which one you would hope for. If she knows and isn't telling, that is the end of it.
How is the baby's corner of the house coming along?
Why ask it
A crib beside the bed counts as much as a painted nursery, and 'corner' keeps the question from sounding like an inspection. If nothing is done, tell her there is time. If you own a screwdriver and mean it, offer an afternoon.
What part of getting ready has been fun, and what part is a chore?
Why ask it
The fun part shows you what to ask about again: tiny clothes, the stroller research, the name list. The chore is where an offer lands, whether it is forms, a crib that needs assembling or a long phone call she keeps putting off.
What's the plan for work: when do you stop, and how long do you hope to be off?
Why ask it
Leave depends on her country, her employer and sometimes her state, so ask how hers works and don't quote what you had. From a coworker it should be about planning cover with her. It is never a way of asking whether she is coming back.
Have you signed up for a birth or baby-care class, or are you learning as you go?
Why ask it
Both are respectable. If she has been to one, ask what surprised her. If she is still looking, what is offered and when to book differs by hospital and area, so her provider's office is the place to ask, not your memory of your own class.
Have you chosen a doctor or midwife you feel good about?
Why ask it
This asks whether she feels listened to, not what is in her chart. 'I love her' is the good answer. 'I feel rushed' or 'I never see the same person twice' deserves sympathy, and maybe the question of whether she can switch, which depends on where she lives and her coverage.
Is there a registry, or would you rather people ask before they buy?
Why ask it
Saves her a fourth baby blanket. Ask before arriving with bags of hand-me-downs too: storage is short, and plenty of parents want to pick things like the car seat and the mattress themselves.
How do you want to celebrate: a shower, something small, or nothing at all?
Why ask it
For whoever might host. Ask before any planning starts, because some women dread being the center of a room, some families celebrate only after the birth, and a surprise party overrides all of that.
How are the older kids taking the news?
Why ask it
Only when she has children already. Reactions run from delight to asking whether the baby can go back, and she will have a story. It also hands you a way to help that few people think of: an afternoon out with the big brother or sister.
Names and hopes
Do you have a shortlist of names, and is it open for viewing?
Why ask it
If she shares it, every reaction you have is a warm one. Nobody needs to hear that you once knew an awful person with that name. A closed list gets 'I can't wait for the introduction' and no guessing games.
Is there a family name or a tradition you're thinking of carrying on?
Why ask it
Good for stories about grandparents and where the family comes from. It can also be a sore spot if relatives are lobbying. A sigh means take her side and move to something else.
When you picture this child at five, what are you doing together?
Why ask it
A specific age brings a specific picture: the library, pancakes, a ball in the yard. Remember it. It tells you what sort of present or outing will mean something later on.
What kind of mom do you think you'll be: the silly one, the calm one, the one with snacks in every bag?
Why ask it
The options keep it playful and stop it sounding like a test. With a first baby the answer is often a worry dressed as a joke, like 'the anxious one'. Tell her one thing you have seen in her that says otherwise.
What are you looking forward to in the first weeks at home?
Why ask it
Answers range from the smell of a newborn's head to lying on her stomach again. Not being able to picture it yet is common with a first baby and no reason for a pep talk.
What do you hope this child knows about you by the time they're grown?
Why ask it
A slower question for a long walk or the end of a visit. Answers tend to be about her work, her humor or something she got through. With her permission, write it down: it makes a good line in a card after the birth.
Offering help
What would make this week easier?
Why ask it
'This week' keeps the question small enough to answer. If she names something, do it within days. If she says she is fine, offer two concrete things and let her choose one.
Can I bring dinner on Thursday, and is there anything you can't face right now?
Why ask it
A day and a dish make an offer she can accept; 'let me know if you need anything' gives her homework. The second half matters because the foods she can stand may change from week to week, and she may be avoiding some on her provider's advice.
Would a ride to an appointment or company in the waiting room help?
Why ask it
Most useful when her partner travels for work or she is doing this on her own. Take a no without pressing, and plan to stay in the waiting room unless she asks you in.
Do you want advice on this, or would you rather I just listen?
Why ask it
The most useful question here for anyone who has had a baby of their own. If she picks listening, hold every tip. If she picks advice, tell it as what happened to you, and send anything medical back to her doctor or midwife.
What can I take off your plate at work before you go?
Why ask it
For coworkers. Name a task you could take, since a general willingness is hard to say yes to. Follow her lead on what she can still do: it is not for you to decide she shouldn't travel, lift or lead the project.
Who is looking after you in all this?
Why ask it
Nearly every question she gets is about the baby, and this one is about her. A good answer has names in it. A shrug or 'I'm managing' is your cue to become one of the names, with a standing weekly call or a regular errand.
Is there something you miss doing that we could do a version of?
Why ask it
She may miss running, the usual restaurant or staying out late. A slow walk, a different menu or an early movie tells her the friendship is not on hold. Let her set the limits, and never police what she orders.
In the last few weeks, how would you like to hear from me: texts, calls, or quiet until there's news?
Why ask it
The end of a pregnancy brings a daily flood of 'anything yet?' messages. Asking ahead spares her one more of them. Some women want distraction and silly photos, others want to be left alone, and you can't guess which.
Once the baby is here, how do you want visits to work?
Why ask it
Ask before the birth and then follow what she says: wait to be invited, keep it short, bring food, and leave when she yawns. If she doesn't know yet, tell her you will wait to hear.
Close friends
Is there a worry that keeps coming back at night?
Why ask it
Ask one to one, and only if you can hear the answer without hurrying to fix it. 'It'll be fine' is no use to her at three in the morning; 'that would keep me up too' is. A worry about her health or the baby's belongs with her doctor or midwife, and you can offer to go along.
How are the two of you doing as a couple through this?
Why ask it
Skip it unless you know there is a partner in the picture. A healthy answer has detail in it: who comes to the appointments, who does the reading, what they bicker about. If she sounds afraid of her partner and not merely annoyed, stay close, tell her you are worried, and ask whether there is someone she trusts she could tell, her doctor or midwife included.
How do you feel about the way your body is changing?
Why ask it
Hers to answer and yours never to comment on, so keep it for the very closest. Whatever she says, add no remark about her size in either direction. 'You look like yourself' is as far as a reply needs to go.
Is there anything about the early weeks you never got to talk about?
Why ask it
Many women go through the first weeks in secret, sick or anxious, before anyone knows. Asking later lets her tell that part. Some will mention an earlier loss, and the answer to that is 'I'm so sorry, and I'm glad you told me', with nothing added.
What part of your life are you a little sad to be leaving behind?
Why ask it
Missing her old freedom does not mean she doesn't want the baby, and it helps to hear a friend treat that as normal. Agree that it is a real loss. 'But it will all be worth it' closes the conversation she was trying to have.
Is there anything you hope will be different from how you grew up?
Why ask it
It can brush against real hurt, so let her decide how far the answer goes. Listen and don't defend her parents, least of all if you are one of them. What she wants to repeat from her own childhood is the gentler way in if this feels like too much.
Have you thought about how you'd like the birth to go, or is it too soon to picture?
Why ask it
Asked out of curiosity, never to steer. Hospital or home, pain relief or none, the right reply is that it sounds like a good plan for her. Keep frightening birth stories to yourself, including your own.
Who is going to be with you on the day?
Why ask it
It tells you about her support without quizzing her about her relationship. When the answer is thin or undecided, ask whether she would like a backup person on call. Do not take it as an opening to volunteer for the delivery room.
What do you want to stay the same between us?
Why ask it
Friends without children worry about this in silence, and so does she. Settle on one thing to keep in some form, such as the Sunday call, the group chat or the yearly trip, and be the one who keeps it going when she is too tired to.
Is anyone in the family making this harder than it needs to be?
Why ask it
Opinions about names, feeding and how she should give birth arrive early and from every direction. If you are family, offer to run interference. If you turn out to be the relative she names, thank her and stop.
Her partner
What do you need from me tonight?
Why ask it
Tonight, not in general. Asked most days, it gets small answers you can deliver: the dishes, a back rub, an hour of quiet. Do the thing without needing a reminder, which is half of what she was asking for.
Do you want me at every appointment, or just the big ones?
Why ask it
Don't assume either way. Find out which ones she counts as big, put them in your own calendar and sort out the time off yourself. What an employer allows for this differs, so check yours early.
What am I doing that helps, and what am I doing that drives you up the wall?
Why ask it
The second half takes some nerve. Hear it without defending yourself, then change one thing this week. Cooking smells, noise and well-meant reminders about what she should eat are frequent answers.
What do you want me to handle on the day so you don't have to think about it?
Why ask it
Usually the bag, the route, the calls to family and speaking up for what she wants when she is busy with a contraction. Write it down. Ask again nearer the date, because her answer will shift as she learns how her hospital or birth center does things.
What are you scared of that I could carry some of?
Why ask it
She may name the birth, money, or ending up doing most of it alone. Nothing has to be solved in one evening. Say back what you heard and which part you will take on. A fear about her health goes on the list for the next appointment, and you can be the one who writes it there.
How do we want to split the nights and the housework in the first month?
Why ask it
Have this talk before the birth, while you are both rested. Names and tasks, such as who does the laundry and who takes the late diaper, hold up better than a promise to pitch in. How the baby is fed changes who can do what at night, so plan around her choice and expect to revise in week one.
Who do we want around in the first two weeks, and who can wait?
Why ask it
Her answer outranks your mother's travel plans. Once you have it, you are the one who tells people. She should not have to be the person saying no from the couch.
What do you want to do, just the two of us, before we're three?
Why ask it
It might be a weekend away, or a movie and takeout on the couch. Book it instead of agreeing it would be nice. For anything involving a long trip late in the pregnancy, have her ask her doctor or midwife first.
How to ask, and what to leave alone
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you ask
Wait until she has told you
Every question here assumes she has said she is pregnant, to you or to the room. Never ask whether she is, and never congratulate on a guess. If you heard the news from somebody else, wait for her to raise it, or say only that you were happy to hear.
Ask about her, not only the baby
Once the news is out, conversation tends to go to the bump and stay there. One question about her work, her weekend or the book she is reading tells her she is still a whole person to you. A check-in works best when it sounds like something you would have asked anyway.
Match the question to how close you are
Checking in, Getting ready and Names and hopes work for anyone she has told, coworkers and neighbors included. Offering help suits anyone prepared to follow through. Close friends and Her partner are named for who should be asking: a question about the birth or her own childhood feels like care from a sister and like prying from a colleague.
Build in a way out
Many of the questions end with a second option: or waiting for the surprise, or too soon to picture, or any other subject. Keep those endings when you ask. They let her decline without having to refuse you.
Keep your own story short
If you have been pregnant, your experience is useful in small doses and mostly when she asks for it. Thirty seconds of 'I was the same' is company. Ten minutes on your own labor turns her news into your memoir.
What suits each trimester
First trimester
Many women tell very few people in the early weeks, and some feel their worst then while hiding it at work. If you are one of the few who know, stick to how she is doing and to practical offers, keep the news to yourself, and hold questions about names, nurseries and showers until she brings them up.
Second trimester
By the middle months the news is usually public and a lot of women say they feel more like themselves, so this is the natural time for Getting ready and Names and hopes. Ask about movement only after she has mentioned it, and about finding out the sex as a plan, never as a request for the result.
Third trimester
Late on she is likely tired, uncomfortable and answering the same three questions all day. Swap 'any day now?' for the Offering help group: dinner, a ride, something off her plate at work. Find out how she wants to hear from people in the final weeks, then do exactly that.
Past the due date
She knows what the date is. Don't ask whether the baby has come, whether she has tried long walks or spicy food, or when the doctor is going to do something about it. Send a message that needs no reply: a joke, a photo of your dog, or 'thinking of you, no need to answer'.
After the baby arrives
The questions change again: how she is, what she has eaten today, whether a visit would help or get in the way. Ask about the mother first. The baby will get plenty of attention without your help.
What not to ask a pregnant woman
Anything that begins with a guess
'Are you pregnant?', 'when are you due?' to a woman who has not said so, and 'are you sure it isn't twins?' all rest on a reading of her body. No version of these goes well. Wait to be told.
Whether it was planned, and how it happened
Whether the pregnancy was planned, how long it took and whether treatment was involved are her private history. So are questions about the father, unless she brings him up. Ask how she told people, not how she found out. If she wants you to know more she will tell you, and a close friend can leave the door open with the early-weeks question in the list.
Her size, her weight and her plate
'You're huge' and 'you're so small' are both unsettling to hear, and she will probably get each of them from someone. The same goes for remarks on what she eats, drinks or lifts. Those are decisions she makes with her provider, and a bystander's raised eyebrow adds nothing.
Opinions with a question mark
'You're not having an epidural, are you?' and 'surely you'll breastfeed?' are verdicts dressed as questions. If you are curious about her plans for the birth, for feeding or for going back to work, ask it open, the way the list does, and accept the first answer.
Horror stories and predictions
Leave out the cousin's emergency, the labor that went on for days and 'just you wait'. The same applies to announcing what the baby must be from the shape of her bump. She has no use for either, and the frightening ones stay with her.
At work
Peers should not ask whether she is coming back, whether she will go part time or how she will manage. What a manager may ask about leave and return differs by country, state and employer, so a manager who needs to plan should ask HR how it works there before raising it. From a colleague, 'what can I take off your plate before you go?' covers it.
Touching
Not a question, but it belongs here. Ask before you touch her belly, every time, and be glad to hear no.
When the answer is hard to hear
She is having a rough pregnancy
Not everyone glows. If she says it has been miserable, believe her and skip any sentence that starts with 'at least'. 'That sounds really hard, what would help?' is enough, and then the dinner or the ride does the rest.
She tells you about a loss or a scare
Say you are sorry and that you are glad she told you, then follow her lead on whether to keep talking. Don't offer reasons, odds or stories about people for whom it turned out fine. Check in again in a week.
She has sounded low or frightened for a while
A bad day is ordinary. Weeks of sounding flat, tearful or scared is something her doctor or midwife will want to hear about, and it is not yours to judge what it is. Say what you have noticed, ask whether she has told them, and offer to sit with her while she calls or to go along.
You asked the wrong thing
It happens to everyone. 'Sorry, that was none of my business' and a change of subject is the whole repair. A long apology leaves her comforting you, which is the opposite of what you came to do.