Questions to Ask a Vegetarian
Questions to ask a vegetarian when you're cooking for one, dating one, sharing a kitchen with one or interviewing one for class. The 54 questions sit in six groups: first what is and isn't off the menu, because eggs, dairy, fish sauce and gelatin get different answers from different vegetarians, then the story behind it, everyday meals, tables shared with meat eaters, and protein and health. The last group handles the worn-out ones (chicken, bacon, 'would you ever go back') by asking about them instead of asking them.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
The line
What kind of vegetarian are you: are eggs and dairy both on your menu?
Why ask it
One word covers several ways of eating: some vegetarians have eggs and dairy, some only one of the two, and in many Indian vegetarian households dairy is in and eggs are out. Get this answer before any other, because it decides whether the quiche or the cheesecake you were planning works.
Do you eat fish or seafood, or does vegetarian mean none of that either?
Why ask it
By the usual definition a vegetarian eats no fish, but enough fish eaters borrow the word that restaurants and relatives keep guessing wrong. Ask it plainly once and the guessing is over; someone who eats fish and no other meat usually goes by pescatarian.
What about chicken stock, fish sauce or lard in a dish that has no visible meat?
Why ask it
Here is where restaurant meals go wrong: the soup base, the fried rice, the refried beans, the pie crust. Their answer tells you how many questions they have to put to a server, and how closely you need to read a recipe before cooking for them.
Where do you stand on gelatin, in things like marshmallows, gummy candy and some desserts?
Why ask it
Gelatin is made from animal collagen, which surprises people who only know it as the wobble in a dessert. If they avoid it, read the packet of marshmallows, the gummy candy and some yogurts too: a careful host tends to check the main course and slip at the sweets.
Do you check whether a cheese was made with animal rennet?
Why ask it
Some cheeses are set with an enzyme taken from a calf's stomach, and vegetarians split on whether that matters to them. If they do check, ask which ones they buy, since the label wording differs from one country to the next.
If a pizza turns up with pepperoni on half, can you pick around it or is the whole thing out?
Why ask it
The answer reaches further than pizza: it tells you whether a spoon that has been in the meat sauce, or fries out of a shared fryer, are a problem too. Neither answer is fussy, and knowing it saves an awkward moment when the box opens.
Is the rule the same at home, at a friend's house and on a trip, or does it bend in places?
Why ask it
A grandmother's soup or a village with one restaurant is where people make their own calls. Don't treat a flexible answer as evidence that they aren't a real vegetarian; it is their rule to set.
Apart from meat, is there anything you don't eat: mushrooms, eggplant, tofu, an allergy?
Why ask it
The vegetarian plate at a dinner or a wedding is so often a stuffed mushroom or an eggplant bake that people who dislike them learn to say so early. If they mention an allergy, that is a safety matter and not a taste, so find out exactly what has to stay out of the kitchen.
How do you feel about veggie burgers and meat-free sausages: a staple, a now-and-then thing, or no thanks?
Why ask it
Find this out before you buy a pack for the barbecue. Someone who gave up meat because they never liked the texture gets no pleasure from a burger engineered to 'bleed', and a fan will have a brand to name, which saves you guessing in the freezer aisle.
Do you say vegetarian, veggie or plant-based, and does the word matter to you?
Why ask it
'I just don't eat meat' is a common fourth answer. Use their word from then on, with the server as well as with them, and notice that the people who shrug at the label can be the ones most tired of being quizzed about it.
The story
Were you raised vegetarian, or did you decide on it yourself?
Why ask it
Ask this before 'why did you give up meat', because someone raised in a vegetarian family never gave up anything. For them the story is about home, faith or culture, and 'do you miss it' has no answer.
How long have you been vegetarian, and what was going on in your life when you started?
Why ask it
A start at twelve often comes with a pet, a farm visit or the day the animal and the plate connected. A start at thirty tends to be slower, with a book, a film or a new household behind it, so ask which it was and what the first week of dinners looked like.
Is your main reason animals, health, the environment, faith, or simply that you never liked meat?
Why ask it
Offering the list shows you know there is more than one reason, and lets them pick without having to make a case. If faith or family tradition is the answer, ask about the tradition and leave the debate about meat out of it.
Did you stop all at once, or did one kind of meat go at a time?
Why ask it
The gradual version often runs red meat, then chicken, then fish, and the order says something about what bothered them most. Worth hearing in detail if you're thinking of cutting back yourself.
Do you remember the last meat you ate?
Why ask it
Some can name the meal and the year, and some let it fade out without noticing. It is a light question, good for a date or a dinner table, and the answer is nearly always a small story.
Who was doing the cooking in your house when you stopped, and how did they take it?
Why ask it
A teenager who quits meat hands a parent a second dinner to make, so this is where the family friction or kindness shows. Ask what the cook made for them in those first months; sometimes it is the dish they still love.
Have you ever gone back to eating meat for a while?
Why ask it
Plenty of long-time vegetarians have a gap in the record: a year abroad, a pregnancy, a stretch of living on someone else's cooking. Ask what brought them back off it, and keep any note of 'caught you' out of your voice.
Have you thought about going vegan, and what keeps you where you are?
Why ask it
Vegetarians get questioned from both directions, by meat eaters who think it is too much and by vegans who think it isn't enough. Asked with interest, it brings out cheese, cost, convenience or a line they have thought through with care.
Did you like the taste of meat when you ate it?
Why ask it
Two very different vegetarians answer this: the one who loved a roast and gave it up on principle, and the one who was pushing chicken around the plate at age six. It tells you whether willpower was ever part of it.
Meals
What do you make for dinner on a night when you have no energy to cook?
Why ask it
The honest answers are eggs on toast, a quesadilla, pasta with whatever is in the fridge. That is the diet on a normal Tuesday, which tells a curious person more than the best meal they ever had.
Which of your dishes has a meat eater asked you to make again?
Why ask it
They'll have one, and they'll be pleased you asked. Remember the name of it, because it is the dish to request if they ever offer to cook for you.
What goes in the middle of the plate now that meat doesn't?
Why ask it
Beans, lentils, eggs, paneer, tofu, halloumi or a big tray of roasted vegetables are all possible, and some vegetarians have stopped thinking of a plate as having a middle at all. A host can borrow the answer directly.
How much of your cooking leans on eggs and cheese?
Why ask it
This is the question that separates vegetarian cooking from vegan cooking, and the answers run from 'nearly every meal' to 'less than you'd guess'. If you're cooking for them, it tells you whether an omelet or a baked pasta is a safe bet or a tired one.
Is there a family recipe you had to rework without the meat, and did it survive?
Why ask it
A chili, a lasagna, a stuffing or a grandmother's soup tends to be named, with a verdict. Ask what stood in for the meat; if the answer is 'nothing worked', you have found the dish they miss.
Where do you get a real choice on the menu, and where is it the one mushroom risotto again?
Why ask it
Naming the risotto shows you know the problem, and you'll usually get a laugh before the list. Keep the list: those are the places to suggest the next time the two of you are choosing where to eat.
What do you ask a server before you order?
Why ask it
Listen to the script they have worked out: what the soup is made with, whether the beans have pork in them, what the fries share a fryer with. It is a short course in where meat hides, and it shows how much checking a simple meal out can take.
What's your order at a steakhouse, a barbecue place or a burger joint?
Why ask it
Most vegetarians have been taken to one for a birthday or a work dinner, and the answers are a comedy of baked potatoes and three side dishes. If you're the one booking, take it as a hint to look at the menu first.
What did you eat far too much of in your first year without meat?
Why ask it
It is a kind way to ask how they learned to cook, since the confession is usually cheese pizza, plain pasta or a freezer full of veggie burgers. A new vegetarian in the room will be relieved to hear it.
With meat eaters
I'm having you over for dinner: what would you really like to eat?
Why ask it
Asking for a wish and not a list of restrictions changes the answer you get. Send it with the invitation so there is time to shop, and if all that comes back is 'anything is fine', ask what they cooked for themselves this week and make a version of that.
At a cookout, do you want your own corner of the grill and a separate set of tongs?
Why ask it
A veggie burger that has sat in burger fat is, for some vegetarians, no longer one, and they may not say so with a line of hungry people behind them. A sheet of foil, a clean spatula and cooking theirs first sort out most of it.
Do you mind cooking or handling meat for other people?
Why ask it
A vegetarian parent or roommate tends to have a firm answer, in either direction: some roast a chicken for the family every Sunday and some won't have it in the pan. Never assume, and never ask them to 'just check if it's done'.
How does the kitchen work if the people you live with eat meat?
Why ask it
You'll hear about separate shelves, two versions of one dinner, or a house rule that meat is for restaurants. Ask early if you're about to move in with a vegetarian, while the answer can still become a plan.
Should I think twice about ordering meat when we eat together?
Why ask it
Most meat eaters wonder and few ask, so saying it out loud clears the air for the whole meal. Take the answer at face value: if it's 'order what you like', then order the steak, and if it's 'I'd rather not share that plate', keep it on your side of the table.
When the table shares plates or splits the bill evenly, how do you like to handle it?
Why ask it
Shared starters that are all meat and an even split after everyone else had steak are two small unfairnesses a vegetarian may swallow in silence. Asking gives them room to say so, and reminds you to order one thing for the middle that they can eat.
What ends up on your plate at Thanksgiving, a wedding or a holiday barbecue?
Why ask it
Because it asks about the plate, you get the real picture: five side dishes, a main somebody made specially, or a meal eaten beforehand in the car. If you're hosting the next one, go through your own sides for bacon, gravy and meat stock before they arrive.
Has anyone ever told you a dish was vegetarian when it wasn't?
Why ask it
The stories tend to feature bacon bits in a salad or chicken broth in the rice, discovered three bites in. Ask what they did next, because it shows how they'd like you to handle a mistake of your own: say so at once, and don't make them comfort you.
Does it matter to you whether the person you're dating eats meat?
Why ask it
Answers run from 'not at all' to 'not in my kitchen', and what sits between them is practical: what gets cooked at home, and whether one pan ever serves both. If you are the meat eater across the table, hear it as information about them and not a verdict on you.
Would you raise kids vegetarian, or leave it for them to decide?
Why ask it
One for a partner or a close friend, not a first date, and a parent will tell you what happened in place of what they planned. What a child should eat is for the parents and their pediatrician to work out; you're only asking how they see it.
What's the nicest thing someone has done to make you feel welcome at their table?
Why ask it
The stories are small: an aunt who learned one curry, a friend who checked the stock cube without being asked. They show exactly what counts, and it is far less effort than most hosts fear.
Health
Where does your protein come from on an ordinary day?
Why ask it
Asked as a food question and not a warning, it gets a food answer: eggs, yogurt, lentils, beans, nuts, tofu. If you're about to say 'but is that enough', stop; how much anyone needs is between them and their doctor.
Has how you eat ever come up with your doctor, and what did they say?
Why ask it
It keeps the health talk tied to somebody qualified and to this one person. If they've never raised it, leave it there, because you aren't the one to tell them they should.
Do you keep an eye on iron or B12, or have they never been a problem for you?
Why ask it
Those two tend to come up whenever vegetarian eating is discussed, and one person's blood test tells you about one person. If you're asking because you're considering the change yourself, take the question to your own doctor too.
Do you eat better than you did before, or did cheese pizza just replace the burger?
Why ask it
It lets them admit that 'vegetarian' and 'healthy' aren't the same word, which most will do cheerfully. Only ask it with a smile and of someone who knows you; from a stranger it sounds like a dig.
Has anyone ever worried about your health because you don't eat meat?
Why ask it
Parents, grandparents and coaches come up here. How they answered the worry is the interesting part, and if you are the worried relative, it is a calmer way in than announcing your concern.
What would you say to a teenager who wants to stop eating meat and whose parents are nervous about it?
Why ask it
Good for a student, and for a parent who has just heard the announcement at dinner. The helpful answers involve the parent instead of going around them: learning to cook two or three meals, and a word with the family doctor.
If someone wanted to eat less meat without giving it up, where would you tell them to start?
Why ask it
This turns them from the subject of the conversation into the person with something to teach. Expect one concrete idea, a meatless night a week or a single dish to learn, and try it before you see them next.
Heard it before
Which question about being vegetarian would you be happy never to hear again?
Why ask it
Whatever they name, ask for the comeback they have polished over the years, which is often the funniest thing said all evening. It also tells you which of the questions below to leave out tonight.
How often do people still ask whether you eat chicken?
Why ask it
It is the vegetarian's oldest joke, alongside 'not even a little ham?', and asking about the question in place of asking the question puts you on their side of it. Follow with who said it most recently.
Is there a meat you still miss, or has the smell of bacon lost its pull?
Why ask it
'Don't you miss bacon' is a challenge and this is an invitation, though the content is the same. If the answer is 'yes, my dad's roast', the kind reply is to ask about the roast and who carved it. Leave the question out altogether for anyone raised vegetarian.
Is not eating meat a rule for you alone, or do you wish the rest of us would stop too?
Why ask it
Meat eaters tend to carry this one silently through a whole dinner. Plenty of vegetarians will say it stopped being about anyone else's plate years ago; a few will say yes, they do wish it, and since you asked, that answer deserves a nod and not an argument.
Does it bother you when people apologize for eating meat in front of you?
Why ask it
Many would rather you ate your dinner than narrated your guilt about it, since the apology makes them responsible for your plate. If that's their answer, you have just been let off, so stop apologizing.
What's the strangest reaction you've had to the words 'I'm vegetarian'?
Why ask it
People bring out their best material for this: the waiter who offered lamb, the uncle who took it personally. It lets them laugh about the hassle with you, and your job is to keep your own reaction off the list.
What would it take for you to eat meat again, if anything?
Why ask it
Only for someone you know well, and only as real curiosity, because it can sound like looking for the crack. 'Nothing' is a complete answer; so is 'a doctor telling me to'.
What's one thing you wish meat eaters understood about eating this way?
Why ask it
Close with this one, because it gives them the last word after a run of questions on your terms. The usual wish is modest: that it is ordinary, that nobody is being judged, that a little warning before dinner is all it takes.
How to use these when you're feeding, dating or interviewing a vegetarian
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Start with the line, then the reason
Vegetarian is not one diet
Two people who both say 'I'm vegetarian' can disagree about eggs, about cheese made with rennet, about the gelatin in a marshmallow and about fish sauce in a curry. That is why the first group is about what is and isn't on the plate. Until you know that, every later question rests on a guess.
Raised or chosen
Someone who grew up in a vegetarian household, for reasons of faith or culture or simply family habit, and someone who quit meat at nineteen after a documentary are answering different questions. Find out which you're talking to before you ask what made them stop, and with the first, ask about the food they grew up on.
Their rule is the rule
If they eat eggs and skip gelatin, or bend things at their grandmother's house, that is how it is. Pointing out an inconsistency ends a friendly conversation faster than anything else, and nobody's eating would survive that kind of audit, yours included.
How far down the list to go
A host can stop after The line and Meals. A date or a new friend will get more from The story, and a roommate or partner needs With meat eaters. Health and Heard it before sit last because they go best once the person knows you're asking out of interest.
Cooking for a vegetarian guest
Ask when you invite
Send the question with the invitation, not while they're taking their coat off. 'What would you like to eat' gets a better answer than 'is there anything you can't have', and it leaves you time to shop.
Check the quiet ingredients
The main dish is rarely the problem. Look at the stock cube, the gravy, the pastry, the salad dressing, the cheese and the dessert, since those are the places meat, fish or gelatin turn up unannounced. Recipes differ by brand and by country, so go by the package in your hand.
Make the meat the add-on
Tacos, pasta, a curry or a big salad with the toppings on the side let the whole table eat one dinner, with meat as an extra for whoever wants it. Nobody ends up with a lonely stuffed pepper while everyone else has the roast.
Separate spoons, and say what touched what
Use a different pan, spoon and patch of the grill unless your guest has told you it doesn't matter, and be plain about anything that shared a surface. At a buffet or potluck, a small card naming the dishes with no meat or stock saves them from asking about every bowl.
Ask about dinner, not about ethics
Meals before morals
'What did you have for dinner last night' and 'what do you order at a diner' are easy to answer and tell you a great deal. Questions about ethics invite a speech, and then you are both stuck inside it.
Leave the desert island out of it
'What if you were stranded with nothing but a chicken', 'plants are alive too' and 'what if the cow had a happy life' are moves in an argument dressed as questions, and a long-time vegetarian has sat through all three. If you are curious where their limit is, 'what would it take for you to eat meat again' asks it once and honestly.
Ask about the question
The last group shows the trick: 'how often do people ask whether you eat chicken' is funny, and 'so do you eat chicken' is the hundredth time this year. When a question feels like one they must have heard before, turn it around and ask how they answer it.
Protein is a food question
Ask what they eat and you'll hear about lentils, eggs and yogurt. Ask whether it's enough and you have appointed yourself their dietitian. What one body needs is for a doctor or a registered dietitian to say, and that holds just as much if you're tempted to copy their diet because they look well on it.
When you've served the wrong thing
Say so the minute you realize, skip the long apology, and offer whatever else there is. They have dealt with this before and would rather get on with the evening than manage your embarrassment.
Dates, parents and school projects
On a date
If they offer to choose the place, let them: they already know which kitchens nearby take the word seriously. Bring up two or three of these across the evening and spend the rest on anything else. The story and Meals are the easiest to raise over a menu, and kids and shared kitchens can wait until there is something to plan.
When your kid has just announced it
Begin with The story and hear all of it before you raise a worry. Then get practical: what they'd like to eat this week, which meals they will learn to cook, and a visit to the family doctor if you want a qualified opinion on nutrition.
For a class interview or an article
Open with The line, so your write-up can say what this particular person does and doesn't eat before it says anything else. Then take one question from each group and ask for a specific meal or memory every time. Anything about nutrition that goes into the piece needs a source other than your interviewee, however sure they sound.
A relative you'll be feeding for years
A son-in-law or a grandchild who doesn't eat meat is a long-term guest, so learn two dishes they love and keep the ingredients in the house. Ask once, write it down, and they won't have to explain themselves every holiday.