Questions to Ask a Veteran
Questions most veterans are glad to be asked, covering their trade, training, postings, friendships and the move back to civilian work, with notes on where to tread carefully. For family members, students, interviewers and anyone recording an oral history.
The questions
Open any question for the note
Which branch were you in, and what years?
Why ask it
A neutral opener that also gives you the context for everything else, since a posting in 1974 and one in 2014 have almost nothing in common. Dates often prompt the person to place themselves in a particular era rather than in the military generally.
What was your job, and how would you explain it to someone with no military background?
Why ask it
Most service is work rather than combat, and asking about the trade lets people talk about competence instead of trauma. Asking for the plain-language version tends to produce the best explanation they have, worn smooth by years of family dinners.
How did you end up joining?
Why ask it
Answers range widely: a recruiter at school, a family expectation, a draft, a need for a job, a plan for college. This is where you learn whether service was chosen, inherited or fallen into, which colours everything they say afterwards.
Where were you stationed, and which place did you like most?
Why ask it
Geography is easy to talk about and often surprisingly fond territory: a town in Germany, a base in the desert, a ship's routine. It also quietly maps their service without you having to ask about deployments directly.
What did your initial training actually involve?
Why ask it
Basic training is one of the few shared reference points, and the details are usually vivid and freely given. Expect the physical parts to be described as less memorable than the sleep deprivation and the sudden loss of control over small decisions.
What did a normal day look like when you were not deployed?
Why ask it
Garrison life, watch rotations, inspections and paperwork make up most of a military career and almost none of its public image. Asking this signals that you are interested in their actual life rather than in a war story.
What was the food like, and what did people trade for?
Why ask it
A small question that reliably opens people up, because everyone has opinions about rations and mess halls. The trading answers tell you about the social economy of a unit, which is often where the real texture is.
What piece of equipment did you depend on most?
Why ask it
Frequently something mundane: a radio, a wrench, boots, a specific vehicle. Technical people especially will talk at length here, and the frustrations they mention say a lot about how their work was actually resourced.
What did you get good at that you did not expect to?
Why ask it
Answers tend toward the unglamorous and useful: improvising repairs, sleeping anywhere, briefing senior people, managing a crew of twenty at twenty-two years old. This is also the question that most often changes how a listener sees military work.
Who were you closest to, and are you still in touch?
Why ask it
Friendship is the part of service most veterans name as irreplaceable. Be prepared for the answer to include someone who died, and if it does, let them decide how much to say next rather than steering away.
What was the hardest part of the job itself?
Why ask it
Anchoring the question on the job gives them a way to answer honestly without going near anything they would rather not discuss. Many people name separation from family, bad leadership or boredom rather than danger, which is worth hearing.
What do you miss?
Why ask it
The usual answers are clarity of purpose, being good at something, and the people. Someone who says they miss nothing is telling you something real about how their service ended, and that is worth leaving space around.
What do you not miss at all?
Why ask it
This one usually gets a laugh and a specific complaint: a uniform inspection, a duty roster, a particular officer. It balances the conversation and keeps it from becoming ceremonial.
How did leaving go: the paperwork, the first year, finding work?
Why ask it
The transition is where many veterans have the most to say and get asked least. Listen for whether they had a plan, whether their records worked, and how long it took before civilian life felt normal, which is frequently measured in years.
Did your skills translate to civilian work, or did you have to start over?
Why ask it
Licensing and credentialing often fail to recognise military experience, so a qualified medic or mechanic can find themselves starting at entry level. The answer reveals a concrete, fixable problem rather than a general difficulty.
What did civilians get wrong about you when you got out?
Why ask it
Common answers include being assumed to be either fragile or dangerous, and being asked only about the worst things that happened. This is direct guidance on how to talk to them and to the next veteran you meet.
What do films and television get wrong about your branch?
Why ask it
An easy way into serious material, since correcting a portrayal is less exposing than describing an experience. Expect complaints about hierarchy, procedure and how quickly things are shown to happen.
How do you feel when someone says thank you for your service?
Why ask it
Reactions vary from genuine appreciation to discomfort to irritation, and there is no consensus among veterans. Asking rather than assuming tells you what this particular person wants from strangers.
What do you wish people asked you instead of what they usually ask?
Why ask it
This hands control of the conversation over, which is the point. The answer is often about wanting to be asked about the work, the friendships or their life since, rather than about combat.
Is there something about being a veteran you would want people to understand that never comes up?
Why ask it
A closing question with no shape imposed on it, which is when the most considered answers tend to arrive. Silence is a legitimate response here, and worth waiting through rather than filling.
Talking with a veteran
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Before you start
Ask whether they want to talk about it at all
A short question, whether they mind talking about their service, costs nothing and prevents a lot. Some people are glad to; some have spent decades not doing so, and a polite decline should end the topic rather than start a negotiation.
Do not assume deployment or combat
Many veterans never deployed, and many who did never saw combat. Assuming otherwise puts them in the position of correcting you, which is a poor start.
Do not assume injury or illness either
Treating every veteran as damaged is one of the specific complaints veterans raise most often. Let them raise it if it is part of their story.
Ask about the work first
The trade, the training, the equipment and the people are where nearly everyone can talk freely. Starting there earns the standing to hear harder things later, if they want to say them.
Questions to leave alone
- Whether they killed anyone. This is asked constantly and resented almost universally.
- Anything framed as asking for a war story for your benefit.
- Whether they have PTSD, or any variation on it.
- Political questions about the war they served in, unless they open the subject.
- Comparisons with another veteran you know, or with a film.
- Details of classified work, which they cannot discuss and should not have to explain declining.
During the conversation
- 1Let silences run. Considered answers about difficult periods take longer to arrive than social conversation allows for.
- 2Follow their language. If they say the service, or the Corps, or downrange, use their words rather than translating.
- 3Ask about people and places rather than events when a topic gets heavy; it keeps the conversation going without pressing.
- 4Do not fill a pause with your own view of the war or the policy behind it.
- 5If they stop, stop. Changing subject cleanly is more respectful than reassuring them that they can continue.
- 6Thank them for the conversation rather than for their service, if you are unsure how the latter will land.
If you are recording an oral history
- Ask permission for the recording separately from permission for the conversation, and say who will hear it.
- Agree in advance that anything can be struck from the record afterwards, and honour that without argument.
- Get names, dates, units and place names spelled out, since these are the details that make a record useful later and the hardest to reconstruct.
- Keep sessions short. Ninety minutes is usually the limit before both people tire and the material thins.
- Send them a copy. Many veterans have never heard their own account back, and families value it.
If the conversation turns difficult
- Distress in the room does not require you to fix anything. Staying calm, staying present and stopping the questions is usually enough.
- Do not offer advice about treatment or benefits unless asked.
- In the United States, the Veterans Crisis Line can be reached by dialing 988 and pressing 1, and is available to veterans and their families.
- Follow up a day or two later with a short ordinary message rather than a check-in on their wellbeing.
- If you were told something in confidence, keep it, including from other family members.