Questions to Ask an Atheist
Questions to ask an atheist when you want to understand them and not to win. The first ten are the ones to ask if you only ask ten. After those the list goes through how they stopped believing or never started, the big questions about the universe, right and wrong and meaning, what they make of religion and of believers, everyday life with family, holidays and prayer, and death and grief.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Start here
Were you raised in a religion, or was it never part of your life?
Why ask it
This one question splits atheists into two very different groups. Someone who left a faith has a history, a community they lost, and often complicated feelings; someone raised without religion may find the whole subject unfamiliar rather than fraught. Nearly everything you ask afterwards depends on which one you are talking to.
Do you call yourself an atheist, or would you use a different word?
Why ask it
Plenty of non-believers prefer agnostic, humanist, secular, or nothing at all, and the choice is usually deliberate. Some avoid atheist because it sounds like a position they have to defend, others use it precisely because it is plain. Getting the word right early keeps you from arguing with a label they never claimed.
What is the main reason you do not believe in God?
Why ask it
Ask it once and then listen to the whole answer before you say anything. The reason is usually less dramatic than people expect: the claims stopped seeming true, or never did, and there is often no injury behind it. Whatever they name is the thing to talk about from here on, in place of the argument you came prepared for.
How sure are you that there is no God?
Why ask it
Few atheists will say a hundred percent. Many will tell you they simply have not been persuaded, which is a different position from claiming to know, and a lot of arguments go wrong in the gap between the two. Say how sure you are of your own view once they have finished.
What would it take for you to believe in God?
Why ask it
Some will name a specific kind of evidence, some will say they do not know but that a God would, and a few will say nothing could. Ask what they have already looked at and found unconvincing. Have your own answer ready too, because the question nearly always comes straight back: what would change your mind?
Where do you think your sense of right and wrong comes from?
Why ask it
Ask it as a real question and not as a trap, because most atheists have heard it as a trap many times. Answers typically involve upbringing, empathy, consequences, and the observation that they behave much like their religious neighbours, which is the part worth exploring rather than disputing.
What do you think happens when we die?
Why ask it
The usual answer is that nothing does, so ask the second half: what that is like to live with. Some describe it as restful, some as frightening, some as something the mind simply cannot picture. Do not treat the answer as an opening for reassurance; it is a description, not a request.
What gives your life meaning?
Why ask it
The answers are rarely exotic: their children, their work, the people who rely on them, leaving a place a little better than they found it. Resist adding that it cannot really count without God. They have heard that before, and the list they just gave you is what gets them up in the morning.
What do believers most often get wrong about you?
Why ask it
Common answers: that they are angry at God, that they have not read anything, that they are secretly certain, that they must have suffered something. Ask which one they hear most. It may well be one you were holding when you sat down, and saying so costs you nothing.
Would you enjoy a proper argument about this, or would you rather I just listened?
Why ask it
Some people like a real argument and will be let down by politeness; others have had the same one at every family gathering for a decade. Ask before the first disagreement, ask again if things heat up, and then do what they said they wanted.
Their story
Was there a moment you knew you did not believe, or did it happen gradually?
Why ask it
Deconversion stories are usually slow and undramatic, which surprises people expecting a crisis or a single book. If there was a moment, it is often much smaller than you would guess: a question nobody answered well, a hypocrisy, a death. Let the answer be boring if it was boring.
When you did believe, what was it like?
Why ask it
Only for someone who once had a faith. Former believers are often told they can never have truly meant it, and few replies annoy them more. Let them describe the praying, the certainty or the youth group they ran, and take it at face value.
When you say you do not believe in God, which God do you have in mind?
Why ask it
The God a person rejects is a particular one, stern or gentle, watching or distant, and it is usually the one they were raised with or the one they hear most about where they live. It may not look much like yours. Hear the description out before you say that was never the real thing, if you say it at all.
Have you read much of the Bible or any other scripture?
Why ask it
Do not ask it as a quiz. People who left a faith have often read a good deal, sometimes more closely on the way out than they ever did in a pew, while someone raised without religion may know it mainly from films and funerals. The better follow-up is which part stayed with them.
Were you the first non-believer you knew, or had someone gone ahead of you?
Why ask it
An older sibling or a parent who had already stopped going makes the whole thing ordinary. Being the only one in a family or a town is lonelier, and people in that position often spent years thinking the thought before saying it to anyone.
What do you say when someone asks what you believe?
Why ask it
Most non-believers have a short public answer and a longer private one, and the difference tells you how much heat the subject carries where they live. Someone who says they usually change the subject is telling you something about their family or their workplace, not about their convictions.
Who in your life knows, and who does not?
Why ask it
For many people this is the practical centre of the whole thing: a grandmother who has never been told, a spouse who still attends, a job at a religious school. If one person was hard to tell, ask how that went, and follow the relationship more than the belief. Nothing you hear in this answer is yours to pass on.
Has not believing ever cost you anything?
Why ask it
It depends heavily on where they live and what family they come from. For some the honest answer is nothing at all; for others it is a friendship, a relationship, or an easy seat at the family table. A long answer explains why they are careful with this subject.
Do you miss anything about religion?
Why ask it
The honest answer from people who left a faith is usually yes, and it is rarely about doctrine. What is missed is the singing, the weekly appointment with the same people, the meals that arrive when someone is ill, the sense of a structure that outlasts you. Do not hear it as a wish to come back: missing the choir is not missing the creed.
Was there anything you were relieved to stop believing?
Why ask it
The mirror image of asking what they miss, and worth asking straight after it. Fear of hell, guilt over ordinary things, and the strain of defending views they no longer held all come up. If your own tradition is the one being described, hear it without mounting a defence.
Big questions
How do you think the universe began, and does not knowing bother you?
Why ask it
Most will give the physics as far as they follow it and then say they do not know what came before, or whether before even means anything. The second half is the real question. Plenty of non-believers are comfortable leaving a blank where an answer would go, and that comfort is often the actual difference between the two of you.
Does anything in nature look designed to you?
Why ask it
Some will admit that an eye or a hummingbird gives them the feeling, and then explain why they do not trust it. Ask what it is like to have the impression and set it aside. It is a friendlier way into evolution than asking them to account for the whole of biology on the spot.
Do you think science can answer everything, or are some questions outside it?
Why ask it
Believers often assume the answer will be yes, and it is seldom that simple. Many will say science is the best tool for questions of fact and has little to tell anyone about what to love or how to live. Ask what they turn to for those.
Do you think we have free will?
Why ask it
Atheists disagree with one another about this more than believers expect. Some think choice is real, some think it is a useful illusion, and many have not settled it. Save it for a long evening, because neither of you can win it.
Do you believe in a soul, or in anything beyond the physical?
Why ask it
Not believing in God does not settle the rest. Some non-believers rule out everything supernatural, while others are open to fate or karma, or have a ghost story they cannot quite dismiss. Ask before you assume which kind you are talking to.
Is anything wrong for everyone, everywhere, or does it depend on the culture?
Why ask it
This is the sharper version of the morality question, and it deserves a slower pace. Many will say cruelty is wrong everywhere and then work out loud on why, which is philosophy that believers do too. Ask for an example, since a case is easier to discuss than a theory.
Is there anything you consider sacred?
Why ask it
Most people say yes and then have to work out what they mean by it: their children, a promise, a place, the truth. Let them think aloud, because the working out is the answer. You may both come away seeing that sacred and supernatural are not the same thing.
When something takes your breath away, what do you make of the feeling?
Why ask it
A night sky, a piece of music, a newborn in your arms: the experience is common to everyone and the explanation is not. Non-believers usually say it is no less overwhelming for having a natural cause, and some will say it is more so. Describe the same moment from your side without calling yours the fuller version.
If you could choose, would you want there to be a God?
Why ask it
It separates what someone thinks is true from what they would like to be true, and the two do not always match. Some say yes, mostly for the sake of seeing people again. Others say no, and their reasons usually concern the kind of God they have been told about.
Do you ever worry about being wrong?
Why ask it
Most atheists have heard this as a warning about hell, so make it plain that you mean it as a question. A common reply is that they could be wrong about any number of gods, as could you, and that nobody can make themselves believe as a precaution. If they admit to a flicker of worry at three in the morning, treat it as a confidence and do not press on it.
Why do you think nearly every culture has had some kind of religion?
Why ask it
You are asking them to explain your side of the fence in their own terms. Typical answers involve fear of death, the need to hold a group together, and a mind that sees intention everywhere, and a few will add that so common a hunger might mean something. You can find the explanation incomplete without saying so straight away.
Religion and believers
Which religious argument do you find the strongest?
Why ask it
It asks for generosity instead of defence, which is why it can turn a debate into a conversation. People who have thought about the subject can usually name one, often about why there is a universe at all or about what religion does for a community. Be ready for the question in return: which argument against belief do you find hardest to answer?
What is the worst argument you have heard from your own side?
Why ask it
Expect a quick answer: that religion causes every war, that believers are simply stupid, that nobody clever ever had faith. People are freer about their own camp's failings than about their disagreements with you, and laughing at a bad argument together cools things down. Offer the worst one you have heard from your side in exchange.
Has your view ever come close to changing?
Why ask it
It allows for movement without demanding any. You may hear about a stretch of grief when they wanted to believe, a partner whose faith impressed them, or a coincidence they still cannot account for. Take the story as theirs and do not treat it as a crack to work on.
Is suffering a big part of why you do not believe?
Why ask it
For many it is the largest single reason, and it is often attached to a particular person or a particular hospital ward. Find out whether you are hearing an argument or a memory before you answer. A memory needs listening to, and a ready-made reply will sound as if you were not.
Who do you think Jesus was?
Why ask it
The obvious one for a Christian to ask, and the answers vary more than you might guess: a moral teacher, a preacher whose story grew in the telling, someone we know too little about to say. If your tradition is a different one, ask about its central figure. What you learn is whether they object to the person or to the claims made about him.
What do you make of people who say they have experienced God?
Why ask it
Most will not call those people liars: the usual view is that the experience was real and the explanation is open to doubt. If you are one of those people, say so before you ask, or they will answer about strangers and learn afterwards that they were describing you.
Do you think religion does more good than harm, or the other way round?
Why ask it
Expect a split answer, with charity, music and community on one side and whatever they have seen go wrong on the other. The harm they name tends to be close to home and not out of a history book. Ask which of it they have seen for themselves.
Who is the believer you most admire?
Why ask it
Almost everyone can name one, and it is more often someone they know than someone famous: a grandmother, a hospital chaplain, a neighbour who turned up during an illness. Ask what it was about that person. The answer separates disagreeing with the claims from contempt for the people, and usually shows what they think faith is for at its best.
Is there a religious idea you find beautiful even though you do not believe it?
Why ask it
Forgiveness, a day of rest, every person carrying equal worth, the dead being held in mind. Most people can name one, and naming it is a small act of goodwill towards a tradition they stand outside. Keep it in reserve for when things have become tense.
If you became convinced that God was real, what would you do next?
Why ask it
Believing something exists and giving your life to it are separate steps, and this shows which one is the obstacle. A few will say they would have objections to raise first. That tells you their trouble is with God as described to them, which is a different conversation from one about evidence.
What do you honestly think when I talk about my faith?
Why ask it
Ask only if you can take the answer. Bored, pleased for you, braced for a pitch: each of those is information, and none of them is an attack. Thank them, and do not rebut it.
What would you ask me about my faith if you knew I would not take offence?
Why ask it
Turning the questions round is what makes this a conversation and not an interview. They have probably held one back for years out of politeness. Answer it plainly, and say so when you do not know.
Everyday life
How do you take it when someone says they are praying for you?
Why ask it
The answers range from touched to irritated to entirely indifferent, and the variable is usually whether it was offered as kindness or delivered as a correction. Asking gives your friend a way to tell you what they would prefer you say when something goes wrong in their life.
At a religious wedding or funeral, do you join in or sit quietly?
Why ask it
Ritual is hardest to opt out of at the moments when it is doing the most work. Ask what they do with the standing, the hymns and the bowed heads, and whether they have their own way of marking the day. If you are planning a service they will attend, this is the answer you need.
How do you handle religious holidays with family?
Why ask it
Most non-believers still turn up, eat the meal, and sit through the service, and have worked out a personal line between participating and pretending. Where they draw that line, and what they refuse, tells you what they think honesty requires of them.
If you have children, what do you tell them about God?
Why ask it
Parents who have thought about this tend to have a clear answer, and it is seldom to bring them up as atheists. More common is teaching what different people believe and leaving the conclusion open, which is harder than it sounds when grandparents are involved. With someone who has no children, ask what they were told themselves.
Could you share your life with someone who believes?
Why ask it
Many already do, so check before you put it as a hypothetical. Where a couple is mixed, the working arrangements matter more than the theory: who goes where on which mornings, and what gets said at the table. If you are the believer in that couple, pick a time when neither of you is tired.
What has taken the place of a congregation in your life, if anything has?
Why ask it
A running club, a choir, a circle of old friends, a volunteer shift, or an honest nothing. The people who answer nothing often say it with some regret, so do not offer your own congregation as the fix unless they ask where you go.
When life gets hard, what do you lean on?
Why ask it
Leave out the old line about there being no atheists in foxholes, which many have heard and resent. Ask what they did the last time things were bad: who they rang, what they read, whether a walk or a routine got them through. It is also how you find out what help from you would be welcome next time.
Is there anything you do that looks a bit like a ritual?
Why ask it
Many people with no belief keep practices anyway: a minute of silence, a visit to a grave on the same date each year, a grace still said at the family table. Ask why they keep it. The reasons are usually about the people involved, and they may not have put them into words before.
When you feel grateful, who are you grateful to?
Why ask it
Gratitude with nobody to address is a real puzzle, and people enjoy thinking it through. Some thank the particular people involved, some say they are thankful for things and not thankful to anyone, and some admit to saying thank you to the air.
Death and grief
Are you afraid of dying?
Why ask it
Not believing in an afterlife does not predict the answer. Some are calmer for expecting nothing, some dread the nothing itself, and a good many fear the dying more than being dead. Believers split in much the same ways, which is worth saying aloud.
How do you grieve without an afterlife to point to?
Why ask it
Ask this only if you know each other well, and only if you can hear the answer without offering a correction. What people describe is usually memory, continuation through others, and the fact that the loss is complete, which is precisely what they are carrying. It is the most serious question here.
Does it bother you when people say someone who died is in a better place?
Why ask it
You are really asking what to say to them at a funeral, so the answer is one to remember. Some take the phrase as the kindness it is meant to be, and others find it closes down the loss they are trying to feel. Ask what they would prefer to hear.
What do you say to a friend who is grieving?
Why ask it
Without a better place to point to, people tend to get specific: a story about the person, an offer to do something practical, or the plain statement that it is terrible. Those are useful words for anyone to have, whatever they believe.
What would you want your own funeral to be like?
Why ask it
It sounds morbid and usually turns out not to be. People talk about the music, who should speak, and whether they would mind a prayer being said for the relatives who need one. That last answer shows how they weigh their own convictions against other people's comfort.
What do you hope will outlast you?
Why ask it
With no afterlife in the picture, what remains tends to be people and work: children, students, a garden, a habit of kindness that somebody picked up. It makes a gentler end to a conversation about death than stopping at the grave.
Having the conversation well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Set the terms first
- Say what you are after. Curiosity and conversion sound identical for the first ten minutes, and the person you are talking to is usually trying to work out which one this is.
- Ask what word they use for themselves and then use it. Atheist, agnostic, humanist and none are not interchangeable to the people who choose between them.
- Do not open with the hardest question. Morality, death and the origin of the universe all land differently once you have established you are not building a case.
- Be ready to answer your own questions. Any question here is fair asked in the other direction, and a conversation where only one side is examined stops being a conversation.
- Treat the groups as a map and not as an order. Start here and Their story suit a first conversation, Big questions wants an unhurried evening, and Death and grief is for two people who already trust each other.
If you only ask ten
The ten questions under Start here are the short list. Between them they cover what most people want from this conversation: the background, the word the person uses, the main reason, how sure they are, what would change their mind, right and wrong, death, meaning, what believers get wrong, and whether they want a debate at all. In a single sitting, three or four of the ten asked slowly will get you further than all of them asked quickly. If there is time for only one, make it the main reason they do not believe, and listen to all of it. The other groups are for the second conversation, or for the one subject that turned out to matter.
Assumptions worth dropping
- That there was a trauma behind it. Some people did leave a faith after something painful, and many simply stopped finding the claims persuasive.
- That they have not thought about it. People in a minority position on belief have usually defended it far more often than people in the majority have ever had to.
- That they secretly believe. Saying that out loud tells someone you do not accept their account of their own mind, and it ends the useful part of the conversation.
- That atheism comes with a package of other views. It is one answer to one question, and it predicts far less about a person's politics, ethics or temperament than people expect.
Questions atheists ask in return
- Why your God and not one of the many others people have worshipped? It is often the first question back. Saying you were raised in it is an honest start but not a whole answer.
- Why would a good God let children suffer? Give the answer you actually hold, including the part you have not resolved. A tidy reply here costs more trust than an admitted difficulty.
- Would you believe the same thing if you had been born in another country? It is a fair question, and best met by saying what you have examined for yourself since.
- What would change your mind? You asked them much the same thing. If your answer is nothing, say so, and notice how that sounded when you imagined them saying it.
- What do you do with the parts of your scripture you find hard? Naming one yourself, before you are asked, is the quickest way to show this is a conversation between equals.
When it is family
- Separate the belief from the logistics. Most family friction is about attendance, weddings, funerals and what the children are told, and those are negotiable in ways that belief is not.
- Ask what they want said to other relatives before you say anything. Being outed to a wider family is a real harm and a common one.
- Agree what happens at rituals in advance. Whether someone stands, bows their head, or steps outside is much easier settled in a kitchen than in a pew.
- Keep the door open without keeping the argument open. Most people will talk about this once a year quite happily and not at all if it is raised every time they visit.
About the lists of a hundred questions
Long numbered lists of questions for atheists circulate widely and are usually built as debate ammunition and not as conversation. Read out in order they land as a cross-examination, and the other person stops answering long before the end. If you have found such a list and want to use it, take four or five questions from it that you would be honestly interested to hear answered, ask those, and abandon the numbering. The value was never in the volume. The same goes for this page, which is long so that you can choose from it and not so that you can get through it.