Questions to Ask a Mormon
Good questions to ask a Mormon friend, neighbor or coworker when the aim is to understand and not to win. They start with easy openers, move through what Latter-day Saints believe about Jesus Christ, scripture and prophets, then Sunday practice, missions, temples and tithing, family and ward life, and the harder history members are asked about most.
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The questions
Each question, and why to ask it
Openers
Do you prefer Mormon, LDS, or Latter-day Saint?
Why ask it
Worth settling first. The church has asked members and others to use Latter-day Saint, plenty of members still say Mormon about themselves, and getting it agreed removes a small friction from everything that follows.
Were you raised in the church, or did you come to it later?
Why ask it
A convert has a decision to tell you about, and someone raised in it has a childhood. Ask the convert what their family made of it, and save seminary and baptism at eight for the person who grew up inside.
What does a normal Sunday look like for you?
Why ask it
Start here if you know nothing. Ask how long the service runs and who does the speaking: the talks come from ordinary members taking turns, with no paid minister, which is usually the first surprise.
What is the biggest misconception about Mormons that you run into?
Why ask it
They get to pick the one that actually bothers them, which is often not the one you had heard. If the answer is polygamy or not being Christian, you have just been told which of your later questions needs the most care.
What do you love most about being a Latter-day Saint?
Why ask it
People who are used to defending their church are seldom invited to say what they enjoy about it. The answer is usually a person, a habit or a place, and it gives you something warm to return to if a later question lands badly.
Do you celebrate Christmas and Easter, and does your church have a holiday of its own?
Why ask it
Yes to both, which surprises people who have mixed them up with a faith that keeps neither. The one to ask about is Pioneer Day in late July, a big occasion in Utah that passes quietly in many other places.
How does your faith come up at work or at school?
Why ask it
Turning down a drink at a work dinner, skipping the Sunday tournament, hearing the same three jokes. The answer is about how much explaining they do in a week, and it tells a coworker or classmate what would make that easier.
Beliefs
Do you think of yourself as a Christian, and what do you mean by the word?
Why ask it
Expect a firm yes: Jesus Christ is in the name of the church. Other churches draw the line in a different place, so the second half of the question is where the two of you find out what each means by it.
Who is Jesus Christ to you?
Why ask it
Put personally, this gets you somebody's faith and not a recited statement. Where their account differs from what you were taught, make a note and come back to it later. Stopping them to compare turns the answer into a debate.
How do you understand the relationship between God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?
Why ask it
Members believe in three separate beings united in purpose, which is where their teaching parts from the creeds most other churches recite. Their own word for the three is the Godhead, so use it and leave Trinity out.
What makes your church different from other Christian churches?
Why ask it
Listen for the word restoration: the belief that authority and some teachings were lost after the first apostles died and were given back through Joseph Smith. It can land as a verdict on your own church, so ask what they think other churches have right as well.
What is the Book of Mormon, and how do you read it alongside the Bible?
Why ask it
Ask what is in it before you ask where it came from. Members read it as a second witness of Jesus Christ next to the Bible, and they accept the Bible with a caveat about translation that deserves a follow-up of its own.
Which scriptures do you read besides the Bible and the Book of Mormon?
Why ask it
There are two more books in the canon, the Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price, and most outsiders have heard of neither. Ask what is in each, and which of the four they would hand to someone who had read none of them.
What do you believe about Joseph Smith, and how do you think of him as a person?
Why ask it
The church begins with a teenager's account of a vision in 1820, and members treat that event as the one everything else rests on. The second half of the question lets them say he was a human being with faults without feeling cornered.
How did you come to believe the church is true?
Why ask it
Members call this a testimony, and it tends to rest on prayer and a felt answer more than on argument. Ask when it happened and what it was like. Disputing a person's account of their own experience gets you nowhere and usually ends the conversation.
What does having a living prophet mean to you?
Why ask it
The president of the church is regarded as a prophet, and members hear from him and other senior leaders at a general conference twice a year. Ask what stayed with them from the last one. A talk they can still describe says more than a statement of loyalty.
Have you ever felt guided by God in a decision of your own?
Why ask it
Members believe revelation is not reserved for the prophet and that anyone can receive it for their own life. Ask for an example from this year, a job or a move or a child, and how they told a prompting apart from what they already wanted.
How do you understand grace, and what part does your own effort play?
Why ask it
Protestant friends most want to ask this one, and it usually arrives as an accusation. Members talk about grace together with covenants, ordinances and effort, and the balance differs from person to person. Let them finish before you say how your own tradition puts it.
What does your church teach about where we came from and why we are here?
Why ask it
Members call the whole account the plan of salvation, and it starts before birth, with everyone living as spirits with God. Few other churches teach that, and it sits underneath much of what members say about purpose, family and why life is hard.
What do you believe happens after death, and what about people who never joined your church?
Why ask it
The teaching is detailed, with degrees of glory and families continuing, and it leaves more room for outsiders than many people assume. Expect a longer answer than the question seems to ask for, and let it run.
What does it mean to you that people can become like God?
Why ask it
Outsiders mostly meet this teaching as a joke about getting your own planet, which members find tiresome. Asked sincerely, it opens up what they think human beings are for, and you will hear how literally they take it.
Practice
What is your calling at the moment, and how did you get it?
Why ask it
Callings are unpaid jobs handed out by local leaders, from teaching the toddlers to running the whole congregation, and most active members have one. Ask how many hours a week theirs takes and whether they felt able to say no.
Why don't you drink coffee, tea or alcohol?
Why ask it
The health code is called the Word of Wisdom, and it rules out alcohol, tobacco, coffee and tea. If they have explained the why a hundred times, ask how they handle a coffee meeting or a toast at a wedding, which gets a better story.
How do you keep the Sabbath, and what will you not do on a Sunday?
Why ask it
Households differ a good deal here. Some will not shop, eat out or play sports, and others set the line somewhere else. Useful to know before you invite them to a Sunday game or a brunch.
How do you pray, and what do you do when no answer seems to come?
Why ask it
Prayer at home and in most meetings is offered in a person's own words, not read from a book. The second half is the candid part, since believers of every faith have a silence they remember.
How does the monthly fast work, and what happens at church that Sunday?
Why ask it
Usually on the first Sunday of the month, members skip two meals and give what the food would have cost to help people in need. At church the prepared talks give way to an open pulpit, and anyone, children included, may stand and say what they believe.
How does tithing work, and how do you decide what counts as income?
Why ask it
A tenth of income, with the definition of income left to each member's conscience. Once a year they tell their bishop whether they pay in full. Ask about that conversation, and leave the amount out of it.
Did you serve a mission, and where were you sent?
Why ask it
Not every member goes, so ask the first half as a real question. Those who went spent eighteen months or two years somewhere they did not choose, and the stories they want to tell include the doors that closed in their face.
What was being baptized like, and how old were you?
Why ask it
Children raised in the church are baptized at eight, by immersion, often by their own father, and converts choose it as adults. Either way there is normally a clear memory attached, with a relative or two in it.
What is the temple for, and how is it different from the building you go to on Sunday?
Why ask it
Sunday services are held in a meetinghouse that anyone may walk into. Temples are fewer, closed on Sundays and open only to members in good standing, and what happens inside is not described in detail. Asking what it is for stays on the right side of that line.
What is the temple garment, and what does wearing it mean to you?
Why ask it
Adult members who have been through the temple wear it under their clothes as a private reminder of promises made there. Use that name for it, leave out the jokes you have heard, and accept a short answer if a short answer is what you get.
Why are people baptized on behalf of ancestors who have died?
Why ask it
Proxy baptism puzzles nearly everyone on first hearing. Members understand it as an offer the dead person is free to decline. If they have taken part themselves, often as a teenager, that story is better than the explanation.
What is a patriarchal blessing, and do you go back to yours?
Why ask it
It is a personal blessing given once, written down and kept, that many members receive in their teens and reread for decades. The content is private, so stay with the place it has in their life and leave what it says alone.
Family and ward
Why does family history matter so much in your church, and have you traced your own?
Why ask it
The interest in genealogy comes from doctrine: members look for ancestors so that temple ordinances can be performed in their names. Ask what they have found. A ship's passenger list or a pioneer great-grandmother makes a better answer than the theory.
What does being sealed in the temple mean for a marriage or a family?
Why ask it
A temple marriage is understood to bind a couple and their children beyond death, which is why where a couple marries carries so much weight. Go gently if their family is mixed in faith, because relatives who are not members cannot attend the temple ceremony.
How does family home evening actually work in your house?
Why ask it
A weekly evening set aside at home is a standard practice, and in reality it ranges from a prepared lesson to noise and ice cream. Ask what the last one was like, not what it is supposed to be.
What was it like growing up in the church, or raising children in it?
Why ask it
There is a full program for children and teenagers, from Sunday classes to weeknight activities and summer camps. Parents tend to describe the help and the pressure in the same breath, and people raised in it remember both.
What was seminary like when you were in high school?
Why ask it
In many places teenagers attend a religion class on school days, often before the first bell. Only ask someone raised in the church. Some remember the lessons and some mostly remember the alarm clock, and either is a true account of growing up in it.
What is dating like when your faith has a say in it?
Why ask it
Many members are raised with a guideline of no dating before sixteen and the hope of a temple marriage, which narrows the field outside heavily Latter-day Saint areas. In some places single adults have congregations of their own, and opinions on those run strong.
How big is your ward, and how did you end up in that one?
Why ask it
Congregations are assigned by geography rather than chosen, which surprises people from traditions where you shop for a church. It also means their congregation is literally their neighbors.
What happens when a family in the ward is in trouble?
Why ask it
Mutual aid here is organized rather than improvised, with assigned visits, stored food, and a bishop who can authorize help. Ask for one specific instance and you learn what the community actually delivers.
What roles do women hold in your congregation?
Why ask it
Women lead the organizations for women, girls and children, teach, speak from the pulpit and serve missions, and they are not ordained to the priesthood offices that run a ward. A woman's answer is the one to seek out, and views differ between generations.
Harder topics
What do you find hard about being a member?
Why ask it
The partner to the question about what they love, and it gives permission to say something less polished. Common answers are the hours the church asks for, the expectations inside a small congregation, or being the one everybody watches at a party.
What is it like when somebody brings up polygamy?
Why ask it
It comes up constantly. The church announced an end to plural marriage in 1890 and members today do not practice it, and the groups that do are separate churches. Asking how it feels to keep answering for it is fairer than asking them to defend it.
What do you make of the church's history around race and the priesthood?
Why ask it
Black men were barred from the priesthood until 1978, and members answer with a mix of history, discomfort, and their own reading. Ask it calmly and do not fill the pause.
Does your church tell members how to vote?
Why ask it
The church says it stays neutral between parties and candidates, and it does speak on some issues it considers moral. Members land in more than one place, so take the answer as one person's politics and not a bloc's.
How do you think about the church's teaching on marriage when someone close to you is gay?
Why ask it
Most members know someone this touches, often in their own family, and few find it simple. Only raise it if you can listen without arguing either side, and do not expect them to answer for the institution.
What do you do when you disagree with a local leader?
Why ask it
A ward is run by neighbors serving as volunteers, and members are asked to support leaders they did not pick. Raising it, waiting it out or quietly going their own way are all possible answers, and each one describes a different idea of loyalty.
When you have a doubt or a question the church has not answered, what do you do with it?
Why ask it
Many members have one, and some talk about setting it on a shelf. Ask who they could say it to out loud: a spouse, a friend, a bishop or nobody. A long pause before that answer is an answer.
Has anyone close to you left the church, and how do you talk with them now?
Why ask it
Many families have someone who has stepped away, and it can be raw on both sides. If the answer is a son or a sister, slow down and let them choose how much to say.
What has changed in the church during your lifetime that mattered to you?
Why ask it
Members follow institutional change closely, from the length of Sunday meetings to the age missionaries can leave to policies on families. The change they name first is usually the one that reached their own household.
Closers
If your faith ever changed, what part of it would you want to keep?
Why ask it
A searching question that only works once the conversation has earned it. What people would keep tends to be concrete: a family habit, serving others, a weekly commitment that does not move. Take the answer as it comes and do not turn it into a case against the rest.
What are you curious about in what I believe?
Why ask it
A conversation in which only one person answers is an interview. Turning it around is good manners, and their questions show you how your own beliefs look from the outside.
Is there something I could read or watch that you think gets your faith right?
Why ask it
One recommendation is the goal, not a reading list. A chapter of scripture, a conference talk and a documentary are three different ideas of where the center is, and reporting back afterward is the best thanks you can offer.
Could I come to a Sunday service with you, and what should I know first?
Why ask it
Visitors are welcome at ordinary Sunday meetings, and most members are pleased to be asked. Find out what people wear, how long it runs and whether anything will be expected of you, which is normally nothing.
What would you want me to understand that I have not asked about?
Why ask it
Leaves room for the thing they came in wanting to say, which is rarely the thing you prepared for.
Having the conversation well
Practical guidance for the conversation itself
Terms and small courtesies
Names
The full name is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Members are Latter-day Saints, congregations are wards, a group of wards is a stake, and the local leader is a bishop who has a day job. Getting these right signals that you did some reading.
One member is not the church
Practice varies by family, country, and generation, and members disagree with each other on plenty. Treat every answer as one person's account rather than an official position.
Say what you are after
Missionary conversations and curious ones look similar from the outside. Saying you are interested rather than considering joining spares both of you a misunderstanding.
If you come from another church
You will hear familiar words used in unfamiliar ways: grace, salvation, scripture, heaven, even God. Ask what a word means to them before you respond to it, and say plainly where your own tradition differs. A question built as a trap is heard as one, and it ends the part of the conversation where you might have learned something.
Working through the list
The groups run from easy to demanding. Openers suit a first conversation or a lunch break. Beliefs and Practice are the middle of most good talks, and Family and ward is where a member of long standing has the most to say. Leave Harder topics until there is some trust between you, pick one or two of them, and finish with a Closer so the last word is theirs. Nobody gets through the whole page in one sitting, and nobody should try.
If you only ask ten
For one lunch or one long car ride, these ten cover the ground: which name they prefer, whether they were raised in the church, what a normal Sunday looks like, the misconception they meet most, who Jesus Christ is to them, what the Book of Mormon is, how they came to believe, whether they served a mission, what they find hard, and what you have not asked about. Ten questions that get full answers are worth more than the whole page read aloud.
What tends to go wrong
- Opening with polygamy or garments. Both are fair to raise later, and both read as a gotcha in the first five minutes.
- Quoting something you found online and asking them to defend it. Ask what they think instead and let them bring the source.
- Debating the Book of Mormon's origins when you asked how they read it. Those are two different conversations.
- Treating their answers as evidence about all members, or as an argument to be won rather than a person to be understood.
- Pressing for details of temple ceremonies you have read about. Members hold them sacred and do not discuss them outside the temple, and insisting only puts a friend in a bind.
- Asking about grace or the nature of God as a test with a right answer. Ask to find out, then say what you believe when it is your turn.
If the conversation goes well
The questions that reliably open up are the practical ones: what a calling involves week to week, how a mission was assigned, how tithing is calculated, what family history research actually looks like. Ask about those before the theology, and the theology tends to come out on its own.